Author's note:
Inspired by the new season, so short spoilers ahead until GA-S17-E02, as a heads-up.
I never thought that I'd ever write MerDer, but it's been brought to my attention that I'm pretty anti-Derek, and I thought that this could be a good challenge.
I'd thought of a #meddison version of this one, and maybe I'll write that as well.
Until then, feel free to enjoy!
bobbiejelly
Where The Shadow Ends
"You have to pick someone, Meredith," Bailey talks to you softly. You don't want to talk about your end-of-life care, even though you know that you have to.
Even though your husband died not too long ago, and you've almost died more times than you could ever count, you'd always thought that you were somehow invincible.
But the way that people have been looking at you lately, you know that maybe that's not even true.
Alex Karev is gone to Kansas. Seriously, yes, actual Kansas, with Izzie Stevens.
You never thought that he'd have left you, even if it hadn't been about you at all.
But hey, you'd always said that you're a vapid narcissistic when you're intoxicated.
It's not like you're drunk right now.
But you might be a little bit high.
They've hopped up your painkillers even though you'd asked them not to.
You pretend to fight them on that, but honestly, you're grateful.
Every movement hurts you, and the truth is, you don't wanna talk because the words leaving your lungs take your breath away.
Bailey's still here though, she's always been here. She's never left you, and you take comfort in that.
When you look through the memories of your life, you try to remember the people who've always stayed.
And when you think of those, you can only really think of one.
"I want Richard," you tell her, and the moment it leaves your lips, you know that she understands.
Your sisters would cling to you too long; your kids aren't old enough.
Neither DeLuca or Hayes would be right for it.
You'd be betraying either of them with it, and you're also pretty sure that one or both of them would just fall in love with you anyway.
Bailey nods at you and brings in Richard Webber.
As he talks to you softly, you go through in your head the entire arc of knowing him, of hating him, of taking him in as your family.
He was your father when your daddy wasn't.
He was there when your mother wasn't.
Richard was your teacher, your mentor, your guide.
He was dying a mere few months ago, and now, you suppose, it's your turn now.
You thought you'd learned to rest, but you suppose you never did.
You worked yourself to the bone like an intern since this all started, and it's not like you had anything to prove anymore.
Everyone respects you, everyone treats you like the award-winning surgeon that you are at this point.
Everyone even gives you what you want, when you ask, even if it's not what you need.
You own a hospital, you own a house, you have a life now.
And when you realize it can all be stripped away in an instant it scares the crap out of you.
You were supposed to see Zola go to medical school.
You were supposed to see your baby Bailey graduate college.
You were supposed to see your baby Ellie beg you to go on a school trip away.
You hope that you stil can see all of those things, but the truth is, you're terrified.
You doze off for a few minutes with visions of the kid's father, and a part of you wants to walk into the light to meet him.
You keep fighting though, tooth and claw, to wake up again.
You want to say that this isn't the hardest thing you've ever been through, after all you've had a bomb go off in your face, you've nearly drowned, and you've stood in front of a gunman.
But this is the worst physical pain you've ever experienced.
You're trying to hide it from Maggie; from Amelia.
But you're barely keeping it together, even if you pretend to be looking up patient charts, and look up experimental treatments in general, not just for you.
You were in jail last year.
You were visiting Cristina in Switzerland the year before that.
You were rescuing kids from a hospital fire several years before that.
This place is your home, it's where you grew up.
You lived here but you don't want to die here.
Not today, not soon, not now.
You want to live on.
You tell your dream-induced Derek Shepherd you'll see him where the shadow ends.
You see him nod to show that he understands.
You wave goodbye, for now, you breathe in.
You're not ready for heaven just yet.
You've still got your life to live.
***** FIN
Author's Note:
Title inspired by "Where The Shadow Ends" the song that played in the last episode of Grey's.
Let me know what you think :).
bobbiejelly