Author's Note: Obviously, a plebian like me has no hope of owning Re:Zero. This story is an adaptation of the Re:Zero Abridged series from the Youtube channel "The Schmuck Squad". Those guys extended my lifespan by several decades thanks to the incessant laughter I was forced to experience when I watched their abridged series.
Please be kind (but honest) in the comment section, for I am a virgin when it comes to literary criticism. I am writing this to gain some experience and flex my writing muscles.
CHAPTER 1: Lost Boy
"Hello, sir. I am a boy, a lost boy and I am lost. Will you, a fellow boy, hold my hand and assist me in not being lost any longer?" inquired a young man. The sheer weight of the hope carried by his one inquiry was enough to sink even the most buoyant of ships, for the inquirer was a Japanese teenager who was stuck in the Kingdom of Lugnica with only the clothes on his back. The only "equipment" he had was the plastic bag containing snacks that his right hand was clutching. And a cellphone that was about as useful as a paperweight. Unfortunately for our intrepid hero, the recipient of his inquiry cared neither for hopes, sinking ships, nor poor starter gear. The only thing that Kadomon, the recipient of Subaru's desperate inquiry, cared for was keeping his business afloat; he had earned a reputation as the scummiest of the merchants that plagued the capital city of the Kingdom through merit alone, afterall.
Kadomon eyes his customer warily. A boy in his late teens with jet black hair and an outfit that looked outlandish, if you were putting it kindly. Deciding to take the young traveler who appears to suffer from a severe lack of fashion and common sense for a ride, Kadomon's reply was quick and to the point, "Mystery solved, you're here." Pointing to his wares, the greedy merchant is quick to throw in his sales pitch: "Now are you going buy a pineapple or you gonna buy two pineapples?" He did not forget to recommend the latter option. Like a shark that smelled blood, the conniving merchant had sniffed out his newest victim.
The lost boy's face somehow contorts to display even greater confusion. "These are apples," said the boy, pointing to the red fruits that lined the open-air store. "What are you talking about? Those are pineapples," was Kadomon's curt reply. Taking a moment to blink away his bafflement, the boy repeats his claim yet again. Irritation growing in him, Kadomon growled: "Look, are you gonna buy three pineapples or not?"
"What happened to 'two pineapples'?!" whined the boy, balking at the new sales pitch that had a renewed focus on the greedy merchant's profit margins.
"Yeah, well, it went up, because I don't like you!"
Grabbing his customer by the collar, Kadomon barks out his newest sales pitch: "Now are you going to buy FIVE pineapples, or are you gonna scram?!" Realizing that the latest sales pitch placed greater emphasis on protecting the merchant's rapidly thinning patience than his bottom line for once, the boy wisely chose the latter. Not that he had any money to buy anything anyways, the Yen bills that padded the boy's wallet were effectively glorified paper at this point.
As he traverses the colorful streets of Lugnica that were filled to the brim with characters that appeared to be more at home in a storybook than a city street, our hero could only whine about his plight: "I am a lost boy again". Seeing a building with strange markings near an intersection, hope reignites itself in his mind. Both demi-humans and humans entered and exited this building in droves. Harboring the idea that the inhabitants of this new building will help him, Subaru enters it to see people crowded in a room with a washing basin and a few stalls. With a jolly tune, Subaru begins to introduce himself: "Hel~lo! My name is Subaru and I am a los—"
Subaru's merry intro was cut short with a resounding slap as everyone in the room, which oddly seemed to only house women, shrieked and violently accused him of being a pervert.
The afternoon sun mercilessly stares down on the streets of the capital as a boy wanders around aimlessly. "Lost boy! Looking to be found." Subaru, now sporting a giant paw mark on his left cheek, wearily chants as he enters a tavern. The waiter at the establishment, who appeared to be a green-scaled lizardman, rejects our hero's plea for help outright. "We don't seeerve your kind heeere", he hissed, barely concealing his disdain. Believing that the lizardman's refusal to help stemmed from discrimination against different races, Subaru asks if he was rejected because he was a human.
Apparently, he was rejected not due to discrimination, but because the establishment no longer dealt with "Lost Boys". Not after a certain "Peter Pan" caused an incident. Subaru, now drenched due to a swimming lesson in a nearby canal at the behest of the tavern's patrons, was drying his clothes in an alleyway. As the water evaporated from his drenched attire under the pitiless gaze of the afternoon sun, so did Subaru's hopes of ever becoming a found boy again. Fortunately, a ray of hope would enter our hero's life soon.
"Hey boys, look what we found!" a voice bellowed. Gasping in surprise, Subaru looks up to find three strangers standing in front of him.
"Hello, new best friends!" replies Subaru, his voice tinged with much elation. It appears our hero's parents had been overzealous in drilling into him the idea that strangers were simply friends that he had not met yet.
"You're not from around these parts, are ya?" asked the guy in the middle. He appeared to be a tall, lanky man with blue hair marked by pink streaks. A chain adorning his neck, he did not give off the friendliest of vibes, but Subaru knew better than to judge a book by its cover. When he was replied to with a nod, the man continues in a gruff voice, "It's almost like ya came from another place, or country…or even a different WORLD!"
Believing to have finally found someone who could understand his plight, Subaru gladly elaborates on his lost state and the fact that he did not even bring anything with him. Hearing this new information, the man's lips curl up into a smile while his bulky and midget partners struggle to stifle a laugh. "Do you know what we do to kids who start from zero in another place, country, or another world?" asks the gentleman with an oddly excited voice.
"You help them build a new life!" came Subaru's naïve answer.
"THIS ISN'T BUILDING ME UP! THIS IS TEARING ME DOWN!" screamed Subaru, now intimately familiar with the pavement of one of the capital's many alleyways. The three thugs were busy getting their workout, peppering our hero's body with many a blow, leaving nary a square inch of his flesh unblemished.
"We gotta tear you down before we can build you back up as our bitch, mate. If you are alive after this, that is," says the pint-sized thug with a throaty chuckle as he drives his foot into Subaru's ribs.
Fortunately for Subaru, another actor was now ready to enter the rapidly spiraling play that was our hero's life. "Stop, you villains, for it is I!" declares a new voice from the end of the alleyway.
Not receiving an explanation of who "I" was despite waiting for a full minute, the thugs look at the silver-haired girl standing in the alleyway, tilt their heads in confusion, and ask in unison: "'I', who?"
"…I am Happy-Go-Lucky-Girl!" proudly announces the girl. At least that's who she was before she proceeds to rescind her words.
"Wait, no, that's dumb. Wah, that sounded a lot better in my head. I need some other name." Belatedly recognizing the stupidity of the filth she just spewed, our heroine goes through an entire list of possible hero names, ranging from "Justice Girl", which sounded oddly plagiarized, to even following the footsteps of the most elite of the Nerd clan by adding an "X" at the beginning and the end of her name.
"I'm sorry for making you wait, guys. I'm kinda new to this!"
"Oh, it's fine, everyone has a first day. Go on," came the stocky thug's reassuring reply, backed up with understanding nods from his other two companions. Subaru would have nodded too, if his face was not being encouraged by the midget scoundrel's boot to stay busy kissing the pavement.
After Subaru spent a few more minutes learning about the intricacies of Lugnican pavement, our heroine had finally decided on her name. "Alright, it's decided! My new name is SATELLA!". Now moving with a purpose, the girl charges the troublemakers, who prepare for her ferocious attack. The midget takes out two spoons, while the lanky man twirls a knife in his hand. Meanwhile, the bulky guy pounds his fists together, a menacing smile crossing his face…
Only to be passed by the pointy-eared girl, who does not even bat an eye at the men who were violently assaulting our hero. Turning around in bewilderment, the thugs and Subaru see the girl at the other end of the alleyway, having climbed the steps and now standing on a raised platform. "Now I have the high ground!" Satella declares with glee before summoning projectiles that are sent smashing into each of the three schmucks.
With the roleplay now in full action, the lanky man motions to his pint-sized companion, whose consciousness left the world by virtue of an ice cube, and shouts: "She killed Spoony!" Growling in anger, he challenges Satella, "We have to avenge him! What else you got, you freak?!"
"Nothing! That's all I can do!" was the heroine's honest reply. She stares at the criminals dumbly for a few seconds before adding that she also has a cat, pointing to the grey furball sitting atop her palm. "Hi, I'm a cat! My name's Puck!" said the cat, as he introduced himself.
Unfortunately, the cat's introduction only had an audience of one as the thugs, now realizing that they were dealing with a Spirit Arts user (who also appears to have a few screws loose), had already made their ungraceful exit.
Turning to the battered Subaru, Satella says, "Okay…now I want to ask you a question! Aaand my question is…" Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to begin her interrogation, Satella opens her purple orbs and asks, "Why are you playing dead? Stop deadding." Exhausted from his adventure and the sound thrashing he had received at the hands of his new best friends, Subaru was once again intimate with the pavement he had recently become familiar with. But at the end of it all Subaru was armed with a doctorate in pavement design, and more importantly, he is now a found boy; though it was a shame that his finders were an insane elf girl and a talking cat. But so goes the ancient saying wielded by the most fearsome of playground bullies:
"Finders Keepers"