Things You Can't Forget (Lover of Mine), a harry potter fanfic

WC: 3832
Warnings: mentions alcoholism and drug abuse

o . o . o

Things You Can't Forget (Lover of Mine)

When I take a look at my life
And all of my crimes
You're the only thing that
I think I got right

Hi everyone!

We can't wait to see you next week, and I know James is really looking forward to meeting you all. His band is playing at Madison Square Garden the Saturday after Thanksgiving and he's offered VIP tickets to anyone who wants to come. If it's not your cup of tea, of course no worries, but if you want to join in the fun, just let me know by Sunday. Thanks and see you soon!

Love,

Lily

She glanced over the email quickly before tapping out the addresses of all her family members. She didn't really expect any of her aunts and uncles to be interested, but some of her cousins might want to go. Maybe even Petunia, although Lily secretly hoped she wouldn't bring that oaf of a fiancé with her. What she wouldn't give for her sister to dump that loser.

Closing her laptop, Lily turned her attention back to her suitcase and the packing list that lay on top of the bed. Their flight was in 27 hours and somehow she felt like she wasn't even remotely prepared. Packing itself would only take… well, an hour or two at most. They were only going to the States for two weeks, so it really wasn't that long, but it felt like there was so much pressure on this trip. It was the first time most of her family was going to meet James - her mom, Petunia. The only one who had met him was her dad when he visited her in London over the summer. And that had only been one dinner. A week-long stay was a horse of an entirely different color. What if they hated him?

Lily glanced over at James, humming to himself as he cooked dinner for them. He wasn't exactly what you'd expect from a rockstar, although there were some ways he was precisely the stereotype. And he had something of a sordid past. Lily didn't mind in the least - in fact, she respected James for his battles. He had worked hard for his sobriety and he took it very seriously. But most of the time, when they were alone in his apartment or hanging out privately with their friends, he was just a normal person. Sweet, funny, very touchy-feely and incredibly smart. Some days she thought he knew more about astrophysics than any amateur out there - her own little Neil Degrasse Tyson. She wasn't sure anyone else really knew that about him and she loved it. But still, Lily worried that her family wouldn't be able to see past the rockstar persona to the real James.

"You're still stressing about the trip, aren't you?" James asked, walking over to the couch and kissing her temple.

Lily smiled in admittance, not wanting to lie when he already knew the truth.

"It'll be fine, Lils, don't worry about it," he reassured her, wrapping one arm around her shoulder. "Things will work out how they're supposed to. You know I believe that."

"I know," she replied, leaning into him. "I just want things to go well."

"How can I take your mind off it?"

"You could… play the piano for me?" Lily suggested. Part of her felt bad whenever she asked James to play or sing for her - it was his job after all, no matter how much he liked it - but she just loved it so much. And nothing relaxed her like a piano.

"You got it," he agreed with a smile, kissing her briefly again as he stood from the couch.

As he sat down at his baby grand, his fingers immediately began to tickle the keys, striking out a melodic mash up of Flicker - Lily's favourite - and a Beethoven piece that she recognized as often being worked into his tunes. With each note, Lily felt stress ebb away, a sense of calm filling her instead.

"Feeling better?" James asked after several long minutes, standing from the piano.

"Much," she answered. It was one of the things she loved about James, that he always knew exactly how to soothe her anxieties. Whether it was her work, her family, the news, or any of the other daily tribulations that came up, James was always there, ready to take the burden off her shoulders. "I should go finish packing while dinner cooks."

James kissed her on the cheek as she excused herself, making her way to the bedroom. She flicked on the tv in there to have a little bit of background noise while she packed, quickly searching through the channels until she found one of those sappy Christmas movies. The scenes of happy and supportive family gatherings quickly changed her mind though, and she changed the channel to one of her favourite movies - The Mummy.

As Lily folded her clothes neatly into her suitcase, she mentally swooned over Rick O'Connell. But even as she appreciated the handsome ex-soldier turned adventurer and amateur archaeologist, she thought to herself that she wouldn't trade James for ten Rick O'Connells.

o . o . o

Lily hovered in the doorway to the kitchen, not yet ready to commit to leaving James alone in the sitting room with her family. They'd only been there an hour, and so far things had been alright but she still felt anxiety creeping over her. She needed to help with the cooking though. But cooking meant leaving James alone and somehow she just worried that the wolves would come out of the woods once her back was turned.

"Excuse me," James said, standing from the couch where he had been sitting with her uncle. "I'm just going to find some water."

James squeezed Lily's arm to tell her to follow him and she did. In the dining room, he pressed a quick kiss to her cheek and reached out to tuck her hair behind her ear.

"You are so beautiful," he whispered to her, smiling gently, "but you have to relax. They won't get to know me if they think you're watching us the whole time. Just go, have a glass of wine with your aunts and your cousins and take a breath. I can hold my own, I promise."

"I know," she sighed, wrapping her arms around his waist and leaning her head against his chest.

James bent his neck to press a kiss to the midst of her auburn hair, taking courage and comfort from the scent of her strawberry shampoo. He could do this. With an encouraging smile, Lily pulled away and turned toward the kitchen. It was time to get on with things, and let the natural progression of Thanksgiving proceed. James turned back toward the living room, taking a deep breath before he returned to his girlfriend's family, trying to prepare himself for the inquisition that must surely be coming at some point.

When he took his seat on the sofa once more, the room was quiet as all the men in the Evans family looked on. James felt anxiety creep across his skin like a spider, and for the first time in a long time, he wished he had a drink to ease his nerves. Trying to brush that unhelpful thought away, James glanced around and Lily's relatives and tried to read what was on their minds.

"Go on," he said quietly, trying to sound courageous and ready for the beating he was about to take. "I know how I look on paper. What is it that worries you most?"

"The alcoholism," her uncle Robert replied brusquely.

"The constant travel," Uncle John chimed in.

"Infidelity," her cousin Matt added with a particularly accusatory look.

James swallowed hard as he watched the rest of her family nod along with each one of his sins that was ticked off, each one chipping away at his armor of confidence. When they seemed to have finished their list, James took a breath to steady himself.

"I know there are rumours, I see them every time, but I've never, not once, cheated on a partner," he insisted, willing them to see the sincerity in his eyes. "I don't have any proof of that other than my word, and I realize it might be a lot to ask you to trust me, but whether or not you believe me, it's true. And Lily is… Lily's everything to me. There's no one on the planet who could entice me away from her."

Her family nodded, seemingly placated on that score at least.

"And I'm sorry, John, I don't think I understand your concern with the travel?" James asked, trying to ascertain exactly what issue he needed to address.

"Lily's always wanted a family," he explained. "What happens when you've got three kids but the band is supposed to go on a big world tour for eight months? Lily doesn't have the kind of job where she can just up and follow you wherever you go."

"I see," James replied, thinking over his words. "That's a fair concern, and I understand it. I don't really have an answer for it, except that Lily and I have talked about it a little, and we think we'll be able to figure out how to do it. I mean, plenty of musicians have families. When the time comes, there are people in that community who can offer some guidance."

"That's all fine," her cousin William interjected for the first time, his voice belying his agitation. "But we know the real problem here. I'm sure you're a nice guy and all James, and it's nothing personal, but I've seen how you boys party. You're an addict, and it seems like only a matter of time before the lifestyle catches up with you and you fall off the wagon. And what happens to Lily then? Is she going to be cleaning up after your drug addicted, drunk ass? Making excuses for you and letting you tear her life apart?"

James felt shame wash over him for all the things he'd done in his past as well as for things not yet done. Will's words were everything he feared - his worst nightmare come to life. He knew that this is probably what most people thought of him - the doomed rockstar, unable to escape the allure of the high - but it wasn't who he wanted to be. He hated the idea of being the cliche, of falling victim to his vices. He had to believe that he was better than that. Lily certainly did.

"There's no guarantee," he said finally, trying to be honest and reassuring at the same time. "I could absolutely fall to pieces, you're right. I could destroy everything I've worked for. But I might not. I might just make it. And I'm sure as hell going to try my best to make sure that I'm a success story. That's all I can really offer you. That I'm trying my absolute best and that there isn't a single cell in my body that wants to hurt Lily."

Most of her cousins and uncles nodded soberly, a few still glaring at him. James got the feeling that he might have given sufficient answers but it was so hard to tell.

"Well, I think that's about all that's fair of us to ask," Lily's father said from the doorway. "The Giants should be kicking off any minute now, who has the remote?"

James felt absolutely incredulous as Mark Evans took a few steps further into the room and moved toward the sofa, sitting down right next to his daughter's boyfriend. Maybe James was reading too much into it, but it felt like a gesture of solidarity. It felt like Mr. Evans was making a statement, accepting James with all his flaws and all the concerns about his lifestyle.

o . o . o

Lily stood in the midst of the crowd, Petunia and three of their cousins standing to her right. They had a little bit of space to themselves in the VIP section, which was a nice change for a concert, especially when it came to The Marauders. Marlene, Sirius' model girlfriend, stood a few paces to Lily's left, giving the entire Evans family a wide berth. Lily had met Marlene a handful of times, and they got along alright, but she wouldn't exactly say they were bosom buddies. It was very clear from one look at them that the two women were completely different. Marlene had chosen a sheer black shirt and skin tight leather pants paired with high heeled boots for the concert, while Lily had gone in a slightly more comfortable direction with her cable knit sweater and skinny jeans.

The concert was in full gear, Sirius' vocals blaring through the stadium as the gritty sounds of the guitar rent the air. But Lily mostly lived for the deep drum beat that seemed in tune with her pulse, pounding through her veins and giving her life. She could feel that every minute and still not get enough. And she loved watching James play as well. There was something primal about it, something completely animalistic in the way he played, entirely lost in passion. It was completely, undeniably sexy.

"They're actually kind of good!" Petunia whisper-shouted, leaning over close to Lily to make herself heard.

"Yeah, they are!" Lily replied, happy that her sister was enjoying herself. It had been far too long since they had such a good time together.

"Hey! You must get to go to all the afterparties, right?" her cousin Ian yelled over, while his sister, Mary, rolled her eyes next to him.

"Um, James and I don't really do the party scene very often!" Lily answered, feeling a little bit awkward. She knew that James' history wasn't a secret from her family, especially after the Thanksgiving Inquisition, but it was still a little bit uncomfortable for her to share how exactly James managed his sobriety. It was just very personal.

"But you could? I mean, you're invited?" Ian persisted.

"I guess!" she said hesitantly.

"Knock it off, Ian!" Mary said, looking very much like she'd like to slap her younger brother upside the head.

"What? So I want to party with rockstars, who doesn't?" Ian shouted in his defense.

"I doubt you could keep up with these guys," Mary replied, rolling her eyes again.

Lily turned her attention away from her cousins' bickering and looked back at James. He was in the middle of a groove, twirling his sticks in the air dramatically as he pounded emphatically at his tom-toms, pedal knocking out a steady beat on the bass drum the whole time. He looked so at home - the stool behind those drums a throne where he could let his true self shine.

As the song wound down, James hit a few final beats for a dramatic finish. Sirius stepped back up to the mic, grabbing his usual glass of scotch from the stool he left it on and took a swig. He looked around at the sold out stadium, clearly pleased with the screaming crowd. His copper shirt shimmered in the spotlight, giving him a kind of ethereal glow.

"You've all been an absolute delight tonight," Sirius shouted, raising his glass to them all in a toast. "We've got a special treat for you. Tonight, you guys are going to hear a brand new song that nobody outside the four of us has ever heard before! And to do this, we're going to shake things up a bit!"

Sirius stepped back from the mic and James stood, walking forward. One of the crew wheeled out a beautiful baby grand, and James quickly dropped the mic down to the perfect height for him before taking a seat.

"I hope you'll all enjoy this song, but you may have to bear with us a little bit, Sirius isn't the best drummer," James teased as Sirius tapped out a ba-dum-tish on James' drumset.

James began to dance his fingers idly across the keys, not quite playing any song just yet, but just a few soft keys here and there. He seemed anxious, hesitant to start the song.

"I'm a bit nervous, I feel like I should say something," he laughed, a bit of a blush creeping over his cheeks. "I guess, what I want to say is this. There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights."

There were a few loud cheers throughout the stadium and James ducked his head, smiling and blushing even deeper. Petunia nudged Lily with her shoulder, and Mary leaned over to give her a significant look. Even Marlene glanced over at Lily. James began to tickle the keys in earnest then, and Lily recognized the mashup of Flicker and Beethoven that she loved so much. Her heart began to pound in her chest as the idea that James might just have written a song for her crossed her mind.

"Your eyes," James crooned, his voice as gentle as his touch on the piano, "your eyes they tell me everything - the start, the end and in between, it's everything."

The song started soft and quiet, just James and the piano. His words overwhelmed Lily, and the sentiment behind them made tears of joy and love well up in her eyes. As he transitioned into the hook, Remus began to strum at his guitar, deepening the acoustic sound of the song.

"Your kiss, your kiss so sweet I lose my breath," James sang, eyes closed tight as he leaned toward the mic. "Make me forget the old regrets, you're everything."

The sound began to grow as James sang, a slowly building crescendo. James began to play with increasing vigor, the notes becoming louder and more insistent. Lily could tell that more was coming, that this song wouldn't be a simple, straightforward ballad, and she waited on tenterhooks to see what came next. Around her, the whole audience was similarly tense, breath collectively drawn as they hung on James' every word.

"You're not just a girl -"

Sound exploded on the last word, Peter striking a cord on his electric guitar at the exact moment that Sirius struck the drums. In the background, Sirius, Remus, and Peter's sighs were just audible as they supported James' words.

"- you're more like the air I breathe. I crave you so desperately, and nothing could ever tear us apart."

With the powerful sound of a real rock anthem backing him, James continued on to the next verse, as shouts and choruses of cheers began to fill the stadium.

"Your voice, it's whispering against my neck, your lips erase the old regrets," James sang, his voice stronger and a little bit grittier than it had been during the first verse, "of anything. Your mind, it makes me wanna know you more, so tell me what we have in store, tell me all your dreams."

The chorus launched again , and this time you could hear the crowd trying to sing along, attempting to pick up the words as quickly as they could.

"You're not just a girl, you're more like the wind 'neath my wings," James professed, "I need you so desperately, and nothing could ever tear us apart."

Peter and Sirius both riffed for a moment, the whine of the electric guitar and the deep pulse of the drums working together to give life to the craving in James' words. And then as quickly as they had come, they tapered off, leaving just Remus and James playing their instruments. After only a few more chords, Remus let the sound of his acoustic guitar fade away as well, leaving only James and the piano, just the way it had started.

"And if you'll be mine," James sang, his voice creating a gentle vibrato as he looked up and found Lily in the crowd,, "I'll never do you any harm. I'll give to you the moon and stars, and nothing could ever tear us apart."

He played a few more keys with a smile on his face, gazing straight at Lily with an expression that was mingled pride and affection. She felt like she could melt into him in that moment, just a puddle of love in his arms. Her heart was so impossibly full, beyond words or conveyance. James stood and waved to the crowd as they cheered enthusiastically. Sirius appeared next to him, beaming with joy, and wrapped an arm around James' shoulder.

"I guess we should let James sing a bit more often!" Sirius joked, laughing at the answering explosion of cheers that sounded.

James blushed at the praise, looking very much ready to step back to his drum set. After a little bit more joking around, James was allowed to step back, and suddenly Lily couldn't wait any longer. She skirted past her family, Petunia and Mary giving her understanding looks as she snuck by. The band manager was standing by the side door that led to the stage, and with a smile and knowing nod, he waved Lily past.

Hidden in the wings of the stage, Lily could hear Sirius talking still, and she knew that she had just a few moments more. James caught sight of her and immediately walked over to the wing, wrapping her up in his arms. She hugged him tightly for a moment, trying to put all her love and gratitude into that gesture because she sure as hell didn't have the words for it.

"You did this...for me?" Lily breathed when she finally pulled away, her voice thick with emotion.

"Yeah, well I - are you crying?" James asked, absolutely incredulous.

"No, I'm impersonating a fountain," she said, rolling her eyes at him, a few tears slipping free and trailing down her cheek.

"Why are you crying?" he pressed, folding her back into his arms and trying not to worry.

"Because it's so beautiful!" Lily exclaimed, wishing she were as good with words as he was so that she could make him see just how much she loved it.

"I'm glad you -"

"Hang on, it seems we've lost our drummer!" Sirius' voice boomed, cutting across their little moment.

"I gotta go," James whispered. "I love you."

He leaned forward and kissed her deeply for a second before turning away and leaving Lily breathless. James grabbed a bottle of water as he stepped back on stage, holding it aloft like it was an excuse for where he'd disappeared to. The crowd cheered his reappearance and Lily couldn't help but smile. He was gorgeous - glowing with success, curls as wild as always, smile on his face and sweat darkening his shirt. He was perfect like that, and Lily hoped he knew that he was everything to her.

"I love you too," she whispered as James twirled his sticks in the air and caught them, ready to launch into the next song.