Light Atomic Monsters

I don't feel free.

Dean glanced over at Sam as he continued to drive towards home. He didn't say anything, but he was concerned. He knew Sam had great love for Angela and little Jess, both who were waiting for them at home. Just hearing that… He kept his eyes on the road.

It was a good idea to go on this job. The idea was to remind Sam that everything they did mattered. Just because it felt like they kept springing leaks in the boat, what they did made a difference to the people that they saved. It was a good idea, but now he couldn't help but feel that it fell flat.

He knew that Sam was taking it hard about Rowena. They tried everything and in the end, what Billie said… it happened. Sam was the one that killed her. He knew that had to be hard on his little brother. They had been through so much crap that any sane person would go mad. All three of them had been through a lot.

The phone rang and Dean glanced over to see that it was Angela. Sam wasn't picking up the phone and it caused Dean to frown. Shooting a look at his brother, he picked it up and answered, "Hey Angie."

Dean, is everything alright?

"Why does something have to be wrong for you to call?" Dean grinned to add a light tone to his voice. He knew she wouldn't be fooled by it, but he still tried and for the most part, it was a silent means of dropping something and picking it up later.

You really want the answer to that one?

Dean chuckled when he heard the playful tone. She was trying like they were, but he knew she was still grieving. She was quiet about it, but she was grieving for Jack. Dean didn't have to be an expert on women's feelings to know that she was devastated at the loss and extremely pissed at Chuck. She was hell on ready to rip the guy apart the last time they met. She was mourning and it seemed that Sam wasn't seeing it.

The last time there was disconnect between Sam and Angela was the whole thing with her being in Purgatory for over a year and Sam remaining here. They still had some leftover baggage, but they seemed content to bury it. This… was something different. And Dean knew when it started.

"Knowing you… hell no. You have a scary mind, sister," Dean teased as he made a correction. He knew Sam was listening, but he wasn't going to share. Sam was acting in a funk and it started when Rowena sacrificed herself to seal the rip to hell.

Only when I want to have fun with you.

"When are you not? I know you slipped me that vegan bacon as payback."

It wouldn't kill you to be healthy every now and then.

"It does. And you make sure I eat healthy. You hardly let me cook anymore." Dean couldn't help but pout even though she couldn't see it. He sobered and added, "But really, we're good. We finished the job. Turns out it was a vamp. I wished you were here. Could've used your sniffer."

And you know…

"I know. You need to be mom to Jess. How is she by the way?"

She's asleep now but she was asking when Papa and Unca Dee were coming home.

Dean's lip twitched at Angela's imitation of how Jess called for him. He loved that kid and sometimes his nightmares changed to what would happen if he lost her like he did Jack. He knew that was on Angela's mind. Had to be. He replied, "Well, we'll more likely be home in the morning. Just in time for breakfast."

Then I'll make something special.

"Pancakes?"

Okay. Dean… how is Sam? Really?

Dean glanced over to find that Sam had looked away. "You wanna talk to him?"

No. He's… It's not a good time.

"Angie…"

I'll see you both in the morning.

Before Dean could say anything, she hung up. It had him baffled and worried. Usually she was the one that pestered enough until people talked. Now… He glanced at the phone before putting it down.

"Everything okay?"

Dean didn't look at Sam as he replied, "As good as it can be." He didn't look at his brother.

Sam looked at Dean and then at his lap. "Okay."

Dean pursed his lip before starting, "No, it's not okay. Sam… what the hell?"

Sam looked at Dean. He knew his brother pretty well and treated Angela like a sister. That meant when she got hurt, physically, mentally or emotionally, he turned into angry big brother and would literally raise hell to get justice. Dean did what he would do for Sam. He didn't want to get into a conversation and said, "It's nothing."

"It's not nothing," Dean pointed out. "She just called to ask how you were. She just hid it under the you and me you." He gestured between him and Sam. "I know she wanted to talk to you, but she seemed scared. And I know something is wrong when she sounds like that when it comes to talking to you."

Sam was quiet for a few moments. He couldn't deny it. Things weren't going too well between them. The reason was Rowena. "Things aren't… going so well."

"Understatement of the year."

Sam looked at his brother, "Dean…"

"What happened that has Angie so scared she has to ask me about you?" Dean didn't wait for an answer. He knew the answer. "It's Rowena, isn't it?"

Sam didn't look at Dean but looked away. He didn't want to talk about it. He still didn't know what to say to her. He was still having a hard time processing the fact that… He looked out the window.

Dean knew he hit the nail on the head. He glanced over at Sam and started putting two and two together. "You don't like the fact that she agreed with Rowena's plan. Probably flat out endorsed it."

Sam made a slight gesture with his head. Finally, she whispered, "She knew. She knew and she said to do it anyway."

Dean listened to Sam's reply. He shook his head, "Sam…"

"She knew. She knew about Death's books and what was in them."

"I know. I saw her there and they aren't the best of friends still."

"And yet she said it was the best choice." Sam looked at Dean.

There it was. Dean pursed his lips. This required a talk and talking while driving for this conversation was not going to cut it. He pulled over abruptly. He put the cark into park and turned to look at Sam. "Alright, let me get this straight, you're pissed at Angie because she said sacrificing Rowena was a good idea?"

"She knew I was supposed to kill her, Dean."

"And that is supposed to make a difference?"

"It makes a hell of a difference."

Dean pulled back and looked ahead. He shook his head. He took a couple of breaths before asking, "How many years have we known her?"

"What?"

"How many damn years have we known her?" Dean was close to shouting.

"A long time. Over ten years."

"That's right and you and I both know that she came with a lot more baggage than we did. She's had to make choices that no one wants to make." Dean looked at his brother with that look that said he was on a warpath. "And you and I both know that no matter what, she's always had our backs. Even if we disagreed.

"And if anything, she didn't come to that decision lightly. And she was still grieving for Jack. Hell, she still is grieving on top of the cold shoulder your dumb ass has been giving her." Dean pointed at Sam to drive the point home.

Sam looked away feeling ashamed and foolish. He knew how much she loved Jack. She considered him like he was her own and Jack called her mother. He also knew that she had done everything, think everything through. No doubt Rowena convinced her at some point. "I know," he whispered.

Dean looked at his brother. He knew Sam was sorry and no doubt, Angela pushed aside her own pain to make everyone else feel better. He couldn't help but ask, "And?"

"And I'm an ass." Sam looked at his brother. "I'm an asshole, alright? Cause no matter what I do, I always hurt her in some way."

"Come on man… not everything is on you and she loves you more than anything in this world apart from the kids," Dean pointed out. "She's worried. Worried and grieving."

Sam looked at his lap and thought about it. Dean put the car back in gear and got back on the road. He was quiet for a good twenty minutes. He thought about everything and he inwardly started to beat himself up for the fact that no one thought about her. He looked at the phone on the seat and stared at it. Finally, he picked it up. He looked at the screen before using the speed dial and held it up.

It rang a few times before the other end picked up. Sam felt relief and it showed as he asked, "Angie?"

Dean kept his eyes on the road, intent on ignoring what was supposed to be a private conversation. He couldn't help but smile slightly. He heard Sam's soft tones talking to her, apologizing and saying that he was okay. It may not seem like much, but it said a great deal and meant just as much. They all were still grieving, and it was as he said. They had lost way more friends than they cared to count. Yet, they still kept on going. They had to. What they did made a difference. Not just to the people they saved, but the people that they were building a life for, like his little niece. They had a ways to go, but they would do it as they always did… together.

A/N: Dean and Sam had their talk in the car but there still is tension. Tag to Atomic Monsters.