Trapping the Light

If there was one thing Angela was good at, it was the waiting game. What people lauded as great war tactics was just a simple waiting game at times. She would laugh sadly at the lauds knowing that it was much simpler than that. It was a good lesson about simple often being the best means. She was also good at seeing the larger picture.

She considered it a gift and a curse to be able to see that and then to coordinate plans accordingly. It often called for things that didn't make sense at the time until when they were executed or afterwards. It was the path to get there that caused discord and strife. And yet, she still managed to command loyalty from the men she led into battle. It instilled trust that was hard earned especially with the man that she was proud to call brother. It was what Sam admired and loved the most next to her selfless love for everyone and everything.

So it was a surprise that she didn't say or do anything when they returned from that casino in Nebraska. The only thing she did was bid a very heartfelt goodbye to Eileen. Sam watched as Angela didn't even try to convince Eileen to stay. Instead, Angela was understanding. She smiled and told Eileen that it wasn't her fault. Sam had said the same thing, but it was always different coming from Angela.

Sam had learned sign, but there were some things that even he couldn't understand. Yet, he knew that Angela was expressive in her actions. She was as such when she cradled Eileen's head and kissed her goodbye. It had Sam wonder how many times she had to say goodbye to those that she loved. Too many, he was sure, and he could get that. He even saw that.

Inwardly, he winced at what Chuck had shown him. He had been shown the future if they had followed through with their plan and trapped Chuck as Amara had been. He believed Chuck and still did. The fact that he and Dean became the thing they hated… He didn't even know what happened to Angela and his daughter. The only reassurance he had was that Jess was safe as had been promised, but he knew that could mean anything, and his mind went to the worst case scenario.

It bothered Sam that she didn't react to the fact that he admitted he screwed the pooch with this one. It was even worse that Dean wasn't his usual self. He knew Dean. At least he thought he did. Every time he screwed up; Dean let him have it. It almost became a weird norm for them. It was crazy, but to Sam, it was normal even if it was hurtful. It was like everything was being turned on its head and sideways and with Eileen leaving…

It was always considered cowardly to hide, but Sam wasn't sure if he could handle the awkward silence between him and the people that mattered the most. At least Dean and Castiel made up. That was a relief. Sam sat on a large log that he found that helped border the herb garden that Angela had started. She refused to raise them in the bunker stating that plants were like people and needed sunshine and rain. It wasn't fancy, but rather simple and it gave a sense of peace.

It allowed Sam to be alone with his thoughts. It had been a long time since he last truly beat himself up over this. He didn't want to believe Chuck and yet he did. He lost hope that they could win. He let them down. He let is friends down. He let his family down. He sighed and looked up at the night sky and at the stars. He gave a wry chuckle when he could make out one of the constellations of the Zodiac.

He and Angela still bore the consequences of that decision. It was risky and yet he jumped into it with both feet. He had hope. He had faith then. Maybe it was like what Dean once said in a fit of despair. He was tired. But did that mean to give up entirely.

"Papa."

Sam turned his head in the direction of his daughter's voice. He spotted Jess tottering on her little legs. His mouth opened in surprise at his daughter walking. When did he miss that? Feelings of guilt flooded him. He was a terrible father if he was missing her milestones like her first steps.

But you were her first word.

That was true. Most kids said 'Ma' or 'Mama'. Jess said 'Papa' and pointed at him. Angela was over the moon about it. She didn't care what the word was. It was important that their daughter tried to talk and succeeded. From there came other words. Sam was amused at what Jess called John Winchester, but he knew that it affected his dad greatly.

"Papa."

Sam watched as Jess tottered forward. He let out a slight gasp when she felt down. He started to get up to pick her up and check on her when she propped herself up and stood right back up. She started tottering again towards him, determined to make it to him on her own. It had Sam kneel and he held his arms open. It was natural for Jess to increase her steps like she was running. She made it and wrapped her arms around him saying, "Papa."

"Hey baby girl," he replied as he hugged his daughter.

Jess hugged her father and allowed Sam to pick her up. She kissed him on his cheek before yawning. "Wuv you," she yawned again.

Sam whispered back to her as he looked for Angela. He didn't have to look far or long. She was there, watching them both. She had a peculiar expression on her face. It wasn't the one that he hated with a passion. This one was different, and it had Sam perplexed. He didn't know if it was a good thong or a bad thing, but he could pick out the hint of thoughtfulness on her end.

Knowing that he wasn't going to get an answer right then and there and Jess in his arms reminded him of his responsibilities, he said, "Come on, Jess. Time for bed."

"Bed bye," she muttered as she laid over his shoulder.

Sam smiled at his daughter's use of words. She was like her mother in that respect. He carried Jess inside to her room and tucked her in the bed. Angela decided that the crib wasn't safe anymore and Sam agreed since Jess had a tendency to get out of her crib and they didn't want her to fall. He tucked his daughter in and made sure the dogs were in their spots before leaving.

Angela was writing in one of those ledgers she liked to keep as a diary in the main room. She had paused and was running her fingers on the wood. Sam came closer and saw why. She was rubbing the initials they had carved. Her fingers were tracing each letter and it seemed to polish the cut wood. Sam swallowed slightly as he sat down across from her.

It was quiet for some time. It was the kind of silence that would have Dean uncomfortable, but never really was like that for Sam when he struggled to find what to say to Angela. More likely it was because she expressed such patience and would literally wait until the cows came home for them to talk about the root of things. Finally, Sam said the one thing that seemed adequate, "Thank you."

Angela had been writing when he said that and looked up. She looked at Sam and asked, "For what?"

"For… what you did. With Jess."

Angela blinked at that, "She wanted to see her father before bed and insisted on walking. She had been trying the past few days."

Sam knew that it was futile to try and call Angela out on things like that. She had a tendency to teach a lesson and often times without her realizing it. Usually it was with an action or something that she had been reading before the incident happened and then it ended up making sense. When she was deliberate about it, it was a different feeling. Yet, Sam suspected she was aware of what she did and decided to somewhat let it slide. "I… would have thought she'd show you."

"That makes sense since I'm the one at home with her, but she loves you. There are some things that would mean more to you than me." Angela was being blunt about Jess' milestones not to hurt, but to make clear that there were some things that she considered more important. She would be happy because it was important, but not excited about it like most human parents were.

Sam understood that. The fact that Jess could talk was more important than which word it was. The fact that Jess was standing, and walking was important to both. Angela just had a different way of expressing it. He nodded at her reply, "Yeah but… I get it. About what happened. How I let you guys down."

Angela shifted and gave her full attention. "You didn't let us down, Sam."

"Angie… admit it. For once. I blew it. Because I believed Chuck. Still do." Sam looked down at his lap. "That Dean and I…" He looked up at her and his emotions showed clearly on his face, "We were monsters, Angie. You weren't there. Jess…" He shook his head.

Angela reached across the table and grabbed his left with hers. Their hands were angled so each other could see the wedding bands they put on each other. "Sam… you know I don't think that. And I am admitting that as the truth. You want the truth? I see it as something that was supposed to happen."

"You never believed in destiny or fate."

"I believe that we all have a purpose and a role in this life. It is written. The path to get there… that's where the fun is. And it is full of pain, hardship, heartache… but also joy." Angela looked at Sam as she squeezed his hand gently. "Eileen… not your fault. Even I was willing to believe that Rowena would do that. In fact, that is so like her. She is like me. Plan contingency."

"You are very different."

"Not really," Angela replied with a chuckle. "You forget that I was and am a general. I had to make those decisions, battleplans. To look at a larger picture when most only see what is in front of them… it's a gift and curse. A gift because you can anticipate as best you can. The curse… you end up seeing the path to get there and sometimes no matter what you do… it will never be free of bloodshed."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

Sam looked at Angela. It often hit hard that she could be that understanding. She had her flaws too and some where the kind that she never really got over. She still occasionally put herself down and despised what she was. In her darker moments, she called herself a monster and questioned how they could have something beautiful like their daughter.

"Helplessness induces hopelessness."

Sam looked at her. "What?"

Angela looked at Sam and sadly said, "It is said that it is the loss of hope and not the loss of lives is what decides the issue of war."

"Have we lost?"

"Not as long as there is still hope. A chance."

"What chance, Angie? I blew it. I destroyed the chance of making the cage for Chuck." Sam sat back in his seat after letting go of her hand. "Basically blew our chance of being free." He sighed and looked at his hands.

Angela stared at him for a moment before she said, "She got back up."

Sam looked up. "What?"

Angela repeated, "She got back up." She looked Sam in the eye.

Sam knew who she was referring to. It was rather simple, but it was no use arguing with her. It was better to think about her words and what they meant. It was often surprising how insightful Dean could be after getting a talk from her. He listened and nodded.

Angela merely smiled and got up. She gave Sam a pat as she collected her things to go to their room. She paused at the doorway and looked at him. "As long as there is a chance."

"You really believe that?"

"I believe that you believe what Chuck showed you. I also believe that things are not set. If he couldn't see me or Jess… then truth is relative. After all, we are what we do and believe." She gave a slight smile and left the room.

Sam sat there as he watched her leave. She was never one to come out and say that someone was right or wrong. She would say her thoughts and leave it at that. It was her first thoughts after everything that had happened from the time she barged in with Dean and Castiel to where she stood toe to toe with Chuck to her silence all the way home and her goodbye to Eileen. She always had a way of making the point come across.

Sam made a slight smile as he sat there and thought about what she said. He also recalled his daughter's first steps. She fell but she got right back up and tried again until she got to him on her own. How many times had he and Dean done that over the year when faced with all the crap? Probably too many to count and enough to gain a bunch of people that hated their guts and would probably like to see them dead. Logically, this was like those times, but it was different.

There was no way to change it from what it was. Sam screwed up and he knew it. He screwed up their one chance to be free and in the end… he just trapped them in this game with Chuck. All because of what he had seen. He saw and believed it. He tried explaining it to Dean but even Dean was different about it. Sam expected the anger and instead… Dean said they would find another way. It was one thing for Angela to say it. It was another for Dean to say it.

Sitting there, Sam sighed in the darkness. He didn't know if he was going to bounce back from this one. He lost hope for one second and lost a chance. Now it felt like he lost it entirely and didn't know if he could get it back.

A/N: Sam is still beating himself over his screwing the pooch on their chance of trapping Chuck. Even a small lesson from his daughter Jess fails to lift his mood entirely. Tag to The Trap.