Light's Despair

There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despairs and have recovered hope. – George Eliot

Angela stood there looking down at the man who held her up above all others. He was the foundation of everything; what gave her courage and strength and above else, the love of family. She stared at him, feeling the pain and emptiness as surely as what she felt on her shoulder. Tears were silently starting to fall from her eyes.

It had always been Dean.

Sam Winchester may have been the love of her life and that saw her through many things. His care and an affection kept her in balance. More of that soul twin talk and it was things that were hard to put into words. Just the insistence that they were family and even more so with their daughter. Dean… was different.

She could never love Dean like she loved Sam and he agreed, but she loved him. She loved him and would bleed for him, take the blame, shed tears and even die for him. It was something that couldn't be put into words always but actions did the talking. She and Dean understood each other on a level that Sam really couldn't and yet it never caused a rift.

It was once put to her that she was the balance of both Winchesters. The one that brought the extremes into balance. Maybe it was true with the times in which she stopped fights before they began or jumped in when a fight was underway. To her, it was just being there for two brothers who, while spoke the same language, could have different meanings entirely.

Angela winced as she shifted. Her leg was still sore after a piece of the door stabbed her in the thigh. She hadn't been able to help much with the plan but she tried. It made her decide to use her magic again, something she didn't think she would ever do. True, she could cast spells and the like but full on magic like what Rowena would do… There was no time for qualms having realized that this was a fight that would take everything in the arsenal.

The sobbing drew her attention and Angela opened her mouth, but no sound came out. What words could she say? What words would ease the torrent of pain that was coming off Dean like a thick cape? What words could reinforce what she always saw in Dean and what Castiel had put so… poignantly? She doubted there was such words.

Dean was well aware that she was standing there. She had been standing there since the Empty came and took Castiel and Billie away. He felt guilty for it since he knew she had been injured courtesy of Chuck. She hid it well but he knew that she was limping along, putting her pain aside to figure out what was going on and help them. One more piece of truth to the lies, or was it truth, Castiel said to him.

You see yourself the same way our enemies do.

It was the truth. He was angry and destructive and broken. How many times had he shown weariness at the whole thing? How many times had he scored a victory but it was trampled upon by the very thing they were fighting against?

And you think that hate and anger that's… that's what drives you. That's who you are.

It was what he was. He wanted to get Chuck. He was so angry that he didn't care who got hurt. He pulled a gun on Sam and he lied about Jack. His feelings that is. He had hurt everybody that was supposed to mean something to him time and again. It was…

"He only said what I've been trying to show you the last decade or so."

Dean looked up at Angela. He didn't say anything but looked away, almost defiantly. It certainly made his point clear enough what he thought. He ignored his phone even when Sam called.

"You really are a selfless and loving human."

Dean almost jumped when he felt her hand on his head. Her hand trailed down to caress his cheek. He realized that she was kneeling in front of him. She was looking at him with a sad expression but full of empathy. He looked away abruptly, "I'm not that. That's you."

Angela rested her forearms on her knees as she kneeled while looking at him. The pain in her thigh was burning, but it was nothing. "I'm not human."

"You know what I mean."

The gruff tones no longer put her off. She sighed and looked at him. "It was always you Dean."

Dean didn't look at her. He just buried his head in his hands and started sobbing. He didn't protest when he felt Angela sit beside him and pull him into her. He grabbed onto her arm and sobbed into her shoulder.

Angela just sat there as he sobbed into her arms. There really were no words to say. If there were anything, they were swallowed up by the tears that they were shedding. She held Dean in her arms like she was soothing a little boy, letting him cry into her shoulder. She rested her head on his and just let him cry. After all, what words can be said when absolution was given by a person who would do anything for those he cared about?

A/N: Angela tries to be there for Dean in the aftermath of Castiel's demise. Tag to Despair.