A/N: I used to hate Asaki's father unequivocally. When this story started, he was a terrible, one-dimensional character, but this side story was actually the first time I stopped to consider him. He started turning into a person, and while this isn't exactly canon, it definitely helped me shape his canon in A Hand to Hold. All of this is just a way of saying I dislike him, but I get him. Nothing is black and white, and no one is one-note.
Anyway, enjoy an entire chapter of Kurama doubting himself as he does.
He almost hadn't gone with Kokoda, but his brother had insisted, saying he needed to get some fresh air and some food that wasn't hospital grade. In the end, he'd agreed if only to make him happy. They ate at a diner not far from the hospital, and Kurama was distracted the entire time, trying to come up with some way to save his mother. It had been a week now, and the doctors had said Shiori likely didn't have more than another two in her. He was running out of time.
When they'd finished eating, Kurama headed straight back to the hospital, thinking he might have to pay Spirit World a visit, see if Koenma had any ideas. He knew the new king was swamped with responsibilities right now, but he also knew per Botan that he was keeping an eye on things with Kurama's mother. Botan had as much the last time she'd come to visit. As he stepped into the building, one of the nurses came right up to him, her expression almost frantic. "Mr. Minamino, come quickly!"
He'd been by so often they knew him by name.
"What is it? What's happened?" Was he too late? But no, it couldn't be. He must still have time.
"It's a miracle. The doctors went to check on your mother, and she's all better. It's like she was never sick."
"What?" Kurama couldn't believe what he was hearing. What could possibly have changed in the thirty minutes he was gone? He raced ahead of the nurse, forgoing the elevator for the stairs, taking them two at a time at inhuman speed. He was at his mother's room in record time, and when he pushed open the door, he found her on her feet, arguing with the doctor.
"Please, I need to see her!" she gasped, her face drawn and tired.
"Mrs. Hatanaka, you need to rest. We need to make sure you're really recovered."
"Mother." Kurama stepped into the room, bowing to the doctor before grabbing his mother's hands. "You're all right."
"I'm fine, Shuichi," she said, but her expression was still wrong. Shouldn't she be happy? Relieved? "It's like I was never sick. But listen to me, please?"
"What is it?" Kurama couldn't hide his own relief, his world suddenly feeling like it was under his control once more...until his mother spoke again.
"It's Asaki."
Kurama's blood ran cold, his mind working quickly, making all sorts of connections that he hoped were all wrong, even as he said, "What do you mean? What happened?"
"I woke up feeling better, but she was on the floor, screaming in pain. I think, somehow, she's gotten my sickness."
Hey, Kurama? I love you. I just wanted to make sure you knew that.
Kurama had done a lot of stupid things in his life, so many things that he regretted, but letting Asaki walk out of this room probably beat all.
"Where is she?"
"I don't know. The doctors wouldn't tell me because I'm not family, even though I told them you and I are the closest thing she's got."
"Mother, you're sure you're all right?" Kurama asked, trying to force down the growing sense of dread in the pit of his stomach. It was clawing at him, struggling to find purchase, to swallow him whole.
"I'm fine, Shuichi. But, Asaki…."
"I'm going to find her." His voice was sharp, harsher than intended, but he wasn't entirely in control of himself right now. He gave his mother a hug before leaving the room, trying desperately to sense Asaki's energy. He couldn't feel anything, and that made the dread inside him grow. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the charm she'd given him on his birthday all those years ago, sucking in a sharp breath at the sight of the flame inside.
It was tiny, so small it could barely be considered alight, and black, two things that made him feel sick. "Asaki," he breathed, and the charm tilted forward, the tiniest bit. He took a step that direction, and it kept pointing, so he followed it as quickly as it would allow until he found himself outside of another hospital room.
Swallowing hard, he pushed the door open, the charm slipping from his hand at the sight before him. Lying in the bed, her breath coming in agonized groans, was Asaki. Kurama stepped into the room, making his way in jerky movements over to her, pressing a hand to her forehead. He hissed as he pulled it away; she was burning alive. Even in her fire demon state, this wasn't normal.
"Asaki!" The word came out sounding more like a prayer than anything else, and his knees buckled. He barely managed to catch himself on the side of her bed, clinging to the bed railing for dear life. "Asaki, please." If he had to guess, somehow, this beautiful, brave, foolish girl had taken his mother's illness into herself. And it was probably entirely his fault.
Kurama winced as the door opened behind him and a doctor walked into the room, his foot kicking the charm the demon had dropped on his way in.
"Who are you? You can't be in here," the doctor said, eyes wide. Kurama was sure he looked a mess, clinging to this girl's bedside, barely able to keep himself standing. Taking a deep breath, he righted himself, one hand resting on the railing.
"I'm her boyfriend." The word felt weak, empty and meaningless. What kind of boyfriend got so consumed in his own problems that he forgot to look after the woman who'd been looking after him? She'd been so kind, so considerate during this past week, even though she must have been hurting too, and all Kurama had done was brush her away. He'd been so caught up in trying to come up with his own plans to save his mother that it hadn't even occurred to him that someone else might have been doing the same.
"Look, I'm sorry, but until we figure out what's wrong with her, no one is allowed in here. You're welcome to wait in the hall, but it might take hours."
Kurama nodded numbly, making his way to the door. He stooped to pick up his charm, gripping it tightly in his hand as he walked out, sinking to the ground. Once again, the world had gone spinning out of his control, and he didn't know what to do to stop it.
Sitting outside her hospital room, he stared at the charm, wondering why he hadn't noticed what Asaki was doing before it was too late. Maybe he could have stopped her. Yet again, he was in a position where someone he loved was going to be taken away from him, and he didn't know what to do about it.
He must have been out there for an hour before the door beside him opened. The doctor looked down at the red-haired man, sighing before he walked away toward the nurse's station. Despite how badly he wanted to go back into that room, he didn't want to get thrown out of the hospital, so there he sat, not really sure what he was waiting for.
When the doctor came back, he said, "Are you Kurama?"
"I am," he replied.
"Just got a call from Miss Anno's father. He said you're her emergency contact."
Taro Anno said…. "That's correct." It wasn't, as far as he knew, but if Asaki's father had called, that meant two things: he'd known this was going to happen and he wasn't going to involve himself. Kurama was beyond angry, and he wanted some answers.
"All right. Come on in, but keep in mind she's not in good shape."
The understatement of the year. Kurama followed the doctor back in to find Asaki sleeping now, her face twisted in pain, just like his mother's had been only hours before. Her heart rate was irregular, a jagged beeping that assaulted his ears. Her red hair was a mess around her head, and Kurama told himself he would get it out of her face once they were alone.
The doctor gave Kurama the prognosis, which was bleak. Asaki did in fact have the same disease as his mother, and her chances of survival were just as slim. As much as Kurama didn't want to believe it, this stupid illness was going to take the life of someone he loved.
"I'll be back later to check on her, but for now, I'll leave you," the doctor said. "I'm sorry."
Kurama nodded, not once taking his eyes off his girlfriend's sleeping form. She looked so small and helpless, two things he knew she took pains to never appear. He walked over to her, tucking her hair behind her ears, trying not to panic at how hot her skin was. After touching her for a long moment, his hand resting against her cheek, he turned, walking out of her room and grabbing the phone in the hall to call home.
"Hello?"
"Kokoda, I need to ask you something."
"Sure, what is it?"
"Did Asaki tell you anything strange today?"
A pause on the other end of the line as Kokoda thought about Kurama's words. "Strange? Not really. She said she was going to her father's, and when she got back, she asked me to get you out of Mom's hospital room. I figured she was just worried about you and wanted you to get some air. Why?"
"She's sick." Those two words couldn't possibly grasp the severity of the issue, but they were all he had.
"What do you mean?"
"Mother is better, but Asaki's fallen ill."
"What? Mom's okay? Does Dad know?"
"Tell him for me," Kurama said, gripping the phone tightly. "I'm going to be staying here."
"All night? Will they let you do that?"
"Don't worry about it, Kokoda. Thank you." Kurama hung up the phone, his suspicions confirmed. Asaki had gone to her father, something she would not have done unless the situation was absolutely dire, which meant this really was his fault. He'd promised he would talk to her when he was making plans, but once again, he'd left her out. Why did he always think he could handle his problems on his own? Weren't they supposed to be partners? If he'd been less focused on himself, would she have come to him with this stupid plan? Could he have stopped her before things got to this point?
Kurama punched the wall in frustration, his eyes burning with unshed tears. Dammit it all. After calling his mother's room to let her know where Asaki was, he stomped back into his girlfriend's room, feeling angry and helpless all at once. "I'm sorry, Asaki. I didn't mean to make you feel like this was ever an option. I...I'm sorry."
She didn't respond, merely lay there, her breathing hitching a bit. Tears were streaked down her face that Kurama gently wiped away. Why did this always happen to people he got involved with? What was wrong with him that he couldn't function in a relationship without hurting the ones he loved?
A knock at the door made him turn, meeting his mother's sad eyes. "Oh, no," she breathed, stepping into the room and walking over to Asaki. Kurama watched as Shiori touched the girl's face, wincing at how hot her skin was.
"The doctor said it's the same thing you had," Kurama intoned, his voice sounding dead even to his own ears. "He doesn't think she's going to make it." Tears filled his mother's eyes, and she nodded her head, unable to speak. "How did you know it was her?" he asked after letting the words sink in. Kurama's mother had never seen Asaki in her demon form, as far as he knew, and yet she'd somehow recognized her.
"She...she smiled at me." Shiori wiped her eyes, taking a breath to steady her shaking voice. "Right before she lost consciousness, she looked at me with those bright blue eyes, and the way she smiled...I just knew it was Asaki. I just...I just knew."
Kurama nodded at her words, taking hold of one of Asaki's hands. He hadn't known, when he'd first seen her in her demon form. Yusuke had just asked him to stop this crazy red-haired demon, and Kurama had complied instinctively. If someone had told him back then that he would be falling hopelessly in love with that desperately mixed up girl back then, he would have laughed them off. Now, it just felt like the most natural thing in the world. At least until he'd royally screwed it up.
"I won't ask why she looks different," Shiori stated, shaking her head. "It's not important now. I just…." She looked right at her son, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears, "She smiled at me. All that pain, and she still managed to smile."
Kurama dropped Asaki's hand so he could wrap his arms around his mother, holding her tightly as she started to cry. It took all his strength not to do the same, instead saying, "We already know how incredible she is. If only she didn't feel the need to remind us so often."
Shiori chuckled weakly as she pulled away. The sad smile on her face didn't last long, but it had been there. "I'm so sorry, Shuichi. It's my fault."
"Of course it isn't, mother." It's mine. "Asaki made this choice of her own volition."
His mother looked like she was about to say something to the contrary, but instead, she sighed. "I don't know what to do."
Neither do I. "You should go home. Father and Kokoda have been worried about you."
"Kazuya actually called before I came here. He'll be in to pick me up shortly. What are you going to do, dear?"
"If it's all right, I'm going to stay by her side," he replied. "She's spent so much time alone, and I don't know that I could bear to leave her just now."
"I won't stop you," Shiori said. "Just let me know when you want to come home, and I'll be here. I don't know that I can come into this room again, seeing her like this..."
"I'll inform you if anything changes." Kurama gave his mother a hug before sending her on her way. Once she was gone, he pulled up a chair beside Asaki's bed, keeping one of her hands in his. He fell asleep that way, waking often and always with tears on his face.
…
Doctors came and went the next day, essentially ignoring the young man with the red hair who was glued to the patient's bedside, which was fine. Kurama didn't want to have to make more than a minimal effort in interacting with anyone. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered that this kind of behavior was exactly what had gotten him into this mess in the first place, but there was no one left with the ability to destroy his life right now. No one else would have thought of something as foolish as what Asaki had done.
When Asaki was more or less conscious, she was often whimpering or moaning in pain, sweat on her brow and tears in her eyes. Nothing anybody did seemed to alleviate anything, and in the end, the doctors gave her an IV before leaving her be. Kurama found himself watching the fluids drain from the bag like a man possessed.
Later that night, Kuwabara, Keiko, Botan, Yukina, Hiei, and Yusuke showed up. There were no jokes, no wisecracks, just a solemn assemblage of her closest friends. Botan and Keiko were crying on each other, Yukina rubbing both of their backs while the guys couldn't take their eyes off of Asaki. She was paler than yesterday….
"So, she took your mom's illness?" Yusuke asked. He'd been staying at Kuwabara's place since last week when he'd come to visit Kurama's mom. Now, he was sticking around for Kurama and Asaki because quite frankly, neither of them looked very good. At least Asaki had the excuse of being sick. Kurama was wearing himself out by not giving himself time to properly process things. Even Yusuke knew he was being a moron.
"Indeed," Kurama replied, his voice lifeless.
"I didn't even know that was a thing," Kuwabara said. "How is that possible?"
"It's likely part of her healing abilities," Botan explained, her voice warbly. "With wounds, she can fix the problem, but sickness is a bit different. It requires an exchange, and in this case, the exchange was one person's health for another. She took on Shiori's illness, giving her own state in return."
"It was so brave of her," Yukina mumbled, shaking her head.
"Incredibly stupid, you mean," Hiei snapped, crossing his arms. "A human's lifespan is short. Why would someone give away their own longevity for something like that?"
"Because she loves Kurama and his mother!" Keiko spat in reply, looking like she wanted to hit Hiei.
"Foolishness."
"Hiei, please stop." Kurama's voice was so cold it sent a chill through everyone in the room, even dousing Hiei's fire.
"If there's anything you need, man, let us know," Yusuke said, putting a hand on Kurama's shoulder. "We're here for you."
"Thank you," Kurama said, nodding. After a while, they left, and Kurama was alone with Asaki once more.
This continued for a few more days, Kurama not going to work or home, just staying at the hospital. His mother and his friends came and went, everyone trying to get him to leave the room, but he refused. Asaki's condition was worsening. He couldn't leave her.
It was about a week from the first day that Yusuke convinced Kurama to go home. Asaki had stabilized, and so he left, intending on getting a change of clothes and maybe a book. Asaki liked when he read to her, so he thought that if she could hear him, she might feel even a little better that way.
However, when he got home, Yusuke shoved him into the bathroom, using his all his strength to keep the door shut, locking Kurama in.
"Yusuke, let me out!" Kurama shouted, banging on the door. They both knew Kurama could break his way out if he really wanted to, but the fox demon was tired, and there was a good chance he would break more than just the door if he tried.
"You're not coming out until you've at least showered!" Yusuke snapped. "It's been what, a week? Unless human-demon-things have a different sense of hygiene than the rest of us, you need to get clean."
"Yusuke, please."
"How the hell do you think Asaki's going to feel when she wakes up and finds out you haven't been taking care of yourself? She's going to kick your ass."
Suddenly, Kurama could see it. Asaki would be standing there, a finger pointed at him, her other hand on her hip, a scowl on her face. Her bright blue eyes would be staring into his soul even as she scolded him. Despite whatever seriousness she wished to convey, he would find himself wanting to take her into his arms, to apologize for whatever foolishness he'd committed to make her so upset, and to earn her smile in return.
Sighing, Kurama did as he was asked. One shower to rinse away all the time he spent moping aimlessly. That wasted time would help no one, and all it took was scalding hot water to clear his head. After getting a change of clothes and few other necessities, he met Yusuke back at the front of his house. "Better?" Kurama asked.
"Damn good," Yusuke replied, putting his hand on Kurama's shoulder. "She's going to be okay. You know how she is. She won't let something like this keep her down."
Kurama nodded, wishing he could believe Yusuke's words. This wasn't an enemy she could face, an injury she could just heal. Even so, he wanted to believe. More than anything. Going back to the hospital that night, he tried to channel Yusuke's confidence. She's going to be okay. She's going to be okay.
What he found when he stepped into Asaki's room wiped all thoughts of the ex-Spirit Detective from his mind. Taro Anno was standing over his daughter, his hand on her forehead. There was ice on the walls and some lining the bed, and when the man looked over at Kurama, his expression was glacial as well.
"Don't look at me like that," Taro snapped at Kurama. "I'm the only reason you're in this room right now."
Kurama hadn't been aware his first reaction had been to glare daggers, but he didn't mind it. He made sure the door closed behind him before he said, "You're also part of the reason you're in this room."
Taro narrowed his eyes at the fox demon, but he didn't say anything more, instead pulling his hand away from Asaki. The room was suddenly warm again, but while Kurama found himself breathing a little easier, Asaki wasn't. Whatever her father had been doing had apparently eased some of her pain.
The other man started walking toward the door, but Kurama barred the way, forcing Taro to stop. "Excuse me," the ice apparition said.
"You're just going to leave her?" Kurama asked, disgusted. "Have you nothing to say?"
The look Taro leveled at Kurama spoke fathoms of emotion that the fox demon could never hope to understand, filled with pain and anger and a hint of self-degrading helplessness. Above all else, however, a disdain that permeated Kurama's very skin.
"I have other engagements that require my time," Taro said, his voice low, laced with the emotions in his eyes. "The world does not stop moving around you just because yours is ending." Kurama stared at Taro, winded by his words. He took a step aside, letting the other man have a clear path to the door. "I'll be back tomorrow. We need to talk." With that, Taro shut the door behind him, leaving Kurama alone with the implications of his words.
Kurama had been ignoring his own life because Asaki's was ending. He'd convinced himself it was because of how much he cared for her, but maybe he was just being selfish. Her own father continued going about his business despite it. Then again, that man went about her entire life pretending like she wasn't suffering, so that wasn't a good comparison.
Sighing, Kurama sat down beside Asaki, resting his head against the wall and closing his eyes. He fell asleep thinking about ice and fire and a single lily growing in a land devastated by the two.
…
The next day, doctors came and went as usual. Kurama had stopped by school to get whatever work the teachers would give him for Asaki, trying to be polite about their condolences. They only made him more anxious to get back to her. When he did, however, nothing had changed. She was still unconscious, still in pain, and still deteriorating, according to the reports.
Day turned to evening with no sign of Taro Anno. Kurama wondered if he hadn't missed him, though that didn't seem likely. The most powerful businessman in the three worlds didn't seem like the type to miss appointments and especially not those he arranged himself.
When the doctors told him they would check on her again in the morning, Kurama nodded, almost relieved that he would be guaranteed alone time with Taro when he finally arrived. Almost.
Taro came at ten o'clock on the dot, walking into the hospital room as though he owned the place. Actually… he might. Kurama hadn't done a good job of keeping track of what buildings in town the tycoon was in possession of lately. The list kept getting larger.
Kurama got to his feet, meeting Taro eye-to-eye. Whatever this man had to say, Kurama would make sure to face him as an equal. What came out of the man's mouth, however, he never could have guessed.
"I lost my wife to a sickness like this," Taro started, walking past Kurama and over to Asaki, placing his hand on her forehead, the room growing chilly. In that instant, it actually looked like he cared for her. "When I found out she was pregnant with Asaki, I was torn between joy and sorrow. I knew, once she gave birth, that she would die. Asami was so happy when she discovered she would have a girl and picked her name with a smile. Asaki blames herself, I know. Perhaps she's using your mother to make up for it."
Kurama nodded. He'd sensed some of that in Asaki the first time they went to visit her mother's grave. The guilt. The pain. He'd also known she was turning to his own mother for the love she never received, something he didn't mind. Shiori had enough love in her heart for as many children as she wanted. She'd already essentially adopted Kuwabara as well.
"She came to me," Taro continued, "crying about Shiori Hatanaka. I'll have to thank your mother for taking such good care of my girl. I know how Asaki sees me, and I know that I've done nothing but hurt her. It's too late to properly make amends."
"It's never too late," Kurama said, not entirely sure he believed his own words. He despised Taro Anno, but Asaki needed all the love she could get. If he had to sacrifice his pride for it, he would in an instant. Anything for this foolishly selfless girl.
Taro smiled, looking back at Kurama. "As old as you are, perhaps you are still a bit naive, fox. Certainly, you're young when it comes to love." He paused, and just when Kurama thought he might not continue, he said, "When Asaki asked for the use of my library, I knew she was going to try something incredibly stupid. I could have stopped her, but...she said your happiness was more important than her life." He took a breath, narrowing his eyes at Kurama. "What that means is a few things. Firstly, that she loves you beyond measure. Secondly, that she doesn't understand how much pain this will cause you. And thirdly, that you aren't doing a good enough job as her partner. If she doesn't understand the pain you would suffer by her sacrificing herself, then either she doesn't know how much she means to you, or she doesn't mean enough to you for it to matter.
"Think about that, fox demon. And know this: if I lose my daughter for her stupidity, that's her own fault. However, you too are culpable in this. I believe she will make it through this time, but if she does not, I will kill you. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir." Kurama was stunned by the information that had just been shared with him. Asaki had said that...his happiness was more important than her life? Taro was right. Kurama was doing something wrong if Asaki didn't understand exactly how necessary she was to his very being. She'd become an indispensable part of his life, someone he didn't want to live without. Even if they hadn't started a romantic relationship, he would have wanted to keep her by his side, always.
But…. "You think she'll be okay?"
Taro nodded. "While it would have been more fun to watch you suffer, assuming this would take her, I've been where you stand before. I've felt your pain, and as much as I dislike you, I would wish that on no one else."
The room grew colder, and Kurama watched Asaki's body relax, her heart rate slowing from the rapid pace it had been beating most of the day. Strange how, when conscious, the cold irritated her. Now, however, it was calming, dulling her pain.
"I think she's looking for a reason to return," Taro said, making Kurama look up at the ice apparition.
"A reason. I suppose I'm not enough," Kurama replied after a while, the words dry as they left his mouth.
"I never said that," Taro replied. "As much as I hate to admit it, I know you're the reason she's made it this far. If you really want her to make it farther, you might have to make sure she knows that. I can feel her energy flickering. Her Inner-Flame isn't sure if it wants to return to our plane or not. Some small part of her may just want to give up."
Kurama shook his head, narrowing his eyes. "She told me, time and again, that she was happy to be alive, happy with who she'd become. I can't believe she would give that away after everything she's made it through."
"Then remind her!" Taro snapped, glaring at Kurama. "Your every breath, your every action should be to remind her of those thoughts. She's stubborn and moronic, but I trust you're good at handling people like that."
"You have no idea," Kurama said, surprised to find himself smirking at the man before him.
"I had friends once too," Taro replied. "I understand more than you might think."
For some reason, it had never occurred to Kurama that this man was, for lack of a better word, human. He had problems, felt pain and joy, and lived through each day like anyone else. It was so easy to just pin him as the permanent antagonist in his daughter's life, but she'd made it this far. Some of that, even if only a tiny part, had to be thanks to this man.
"Mr. Anno," Kurama said, keeping his voice even.
"Mr. Minamino." Taro didn't miss a beat, and with his use of Kurama's human last name, the fox demon knew that Taro had been keeping closer tabs on his daughter than she knew and than he'd thought.
"I think I could almost believe goodwill of you in many of your actions and your choices in Asaki's life." That was a very very weak "almost". "What I cannot understand is how you could have forced her into an engagement with Hide."
The walls had escaped being frozen by Taro, but when Kurama finished his sentence, the top of the room was suddenly covered in ice crystals. Taro was trembling, but it wasn't until Kurama took a step toward him, getting a good look at his face that he realized why: pure, unadulterated rage.
"I didn't know," Taro grunted, his teeth clenched so tightly Kurama feared they might chip. "That fucking bastard was in my house, brown-nosing, all the while torturing my girl. I was too blind, too busy to see. I refused to accept that a decision I had made could be wrong. Not when it came to my daughter. Not once did I question why she didn't ever talk about him. She didn't talk to me about anything."
He took a deep breath, looking up at Kurama. "When she broke off the engagement and ran away, that was the first time it occurred to me something might have been wrong. Eventually, I overheard from a servant, and I forced out everything that had happened. I would have murdered the man myself were it not for the memory of the look in Asaki's eyes when she was given that same chance and let it slip between her fingers."
Kuram shook his head. He knew that story from Asaki herself. "I still find it hard to believe someone as perceptive as you couldn't see it."
"I didn't want to," Taro said. "I didn't want to believe I had made a poor choice. Asaki never complained, and Hide had such a keen business sense. I convinced myself that everything was going according to plan."
The ice receded, and the room warmed again, leaving Kurama grateful for the heat. Taro brushed some hair from Asaki's face before turning and walking toward Kurama. "Stay with her," he said to the fox demon. "Cherish her. She doesn't need me in her life anymore."
Taro made his way to the door, but before he could leave, Kurama said, "You're even more a fool than I'd thought if you believe that."
The ice apparition chuckled darkly, but he said nothing more as he left.
Kurama turned back to Asaki, noticing that even though the cold was gone, her face still looked relaxed. Maybe Taro was right. Maybe she would be okay. All she needed was to grasp hold of a reason to stay.
Asaki, stay with me. Please, don't leave me alone.