p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center"strongemspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif;"2006/span/em/strong/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanThe cold winds nipped and slashed at our skins, laying down punishment for what was to come. Eyes remained glued to the concrete below us, refusing to face the stone, white painted reality set firmly in the snow before us. Despite our begging and insisting, dad refused to let us wear anything but our uniforms, only allowing grief to show through the black umbrellas held high over our heads, serving as the looming reminder. Even though I hadn't been there, when I closed my eyes, my mind filled in the gaps. Blood ran down my mindscape, flooding it and slowly causing it to drown in the guilt. I knew the rest of my siblings felt the same way—we all just had different means of expressing it. Though I could feel Dad's judgmental and disapproving gaze boring holes into my back, I refused to release my grip on Klaus' hand, unsure of how to cope in any other way. This was a strange sort of sensation: I could deny it all I wanted, but I knew my typical response to this would have been to lock myself in my studio and keep spinning, leaping, and falling until I couldn't feel my limbs anymore. However, this time around, I didn't even have the energy; I woke up in the morning, and I couldn't even muster the energy to sit up. Cinderblocks weighed down my chest, and the only way to help was when Klaus and Vanya came and dragged me out of the warm depths of my covers, forcing me to exist./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanEach of us fell into place around the pristine, spotless coffin in the middle of the yard, unconsciously leaving spaces for those no longer with us. I zipped my mouth shut and allowed my breaths to come out strained from my nostrils, refusing to let my sobs infect this moment meant to respect the one we'd lost./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanWhat the hell was I supposed to do without Ben? After Five disappeared, I'd found myself occupying my free time with my shyest brother. It turned out, he wasn't really afraid to speak, more that he only wanted to share his thoughts with certain people. For a short while, I'd found myself replacing visits to the studio with reading on the floor with Ben. We swapped books and shared our wildest theories about the meanings behind the stories, often drifting into conversation completely unrelated to our reading material at all. During those hours, the hurt just sort of fell away, completely leaving my body in a way that none of my other siblings could manage to do; I still loved spending mornings running about with Klaus, rainy days listening to Vanya's effortless concertos, and some extra training on occasion with Diego, but there was something irreplaceable about the time I spent with Ben./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanAnd now, just like last time, it was ripped right out of my hands./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI wasn't too sure about security with the rest of the family, either. Diego had already been whispering about leaving, and I'm sure this would push him over the edge. Vanya would likely follow, and I couldn't blame her. If I was treated even half as poorly as she was, I honestly would have left much earlier. Allison's independence would get the best of her, and soon, she'd head out those front doors and never look back. And Luther… well, it was a safe bet he'd be the last one left in this place. I didn't want to be left with just him. Maybe it was time for me to start looking at moving on as well./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI gripped tighter onto Klaus, keeping myself bottled up as Dad ran his cold eyes over us just once, before launching into his eulogy./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"The world is full of injustice. Good people die along with the bad. The cosmic equation will never change unless evil itself is wiped from existence." Throughout his entire delivery, Dad's voice remained emotionless and unwavering. I'm not sure what I expected, coming from him. "Thankfully, there are powerful forces pushing back against the wicked and iniquitous, individuals who have the strength to pull together against insurmountable odds to face adversity with unblinking courage, and not hesitate to sacrifice themselves for another." /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanFor a moment, my heart swelled in my chest. Though Dad's words were level, the connotation behind them made it feel like, for once, he was actually going to acknowledge the things The Umbrella Academy had done for the world. For just one second, he would compliment the work done, and acknowledge the sort of person Ben had been./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI should have known better./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Unfortunately, none of you are such people. Despite years of training and weeks of preparation, you allowed Number Six to die on this mission."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanA single, strangled sob escaped from my lips as my hands began to ball into fists, digging my nails into Klaus' skin. I heard him wince in pain, and although part of me felt bad, my anger was already beginning to rise, blocking me off from everyone but Dad. Grief and hatred began to swirl together, confusing themselves with each other as I leered in my father's direction./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"It wasn't our fault!" Allison insisted, directly defying Dad./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Excuses?" he scoffed. "I will not hear them. The Umbrella Academy has failed one of their own, the consequences of which are dire. Hold onto this feeling, children. Let it fester in your hearts… so there is never a next time." For a second, I thought Dad caught my gaze, but it was over before I could be sure. "Training will be cancelled today, out of respect for your brother. We resume tomorrow at 6:00 am."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanWith the last word fit in, Dad, Mom, and Pogo peeled off and headed back into the house, leaving the rest of us wallowing in our bitterness. No one bothered to keep their emotions silent at this point, tears and sniffles cutting through the eerily silent snowfall. My eyes followed the trio as they walked back inside, the words stirring inside me further motivating me to follow. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"It wasn't anybody's fault." I moved my gaze to Vanya, forcing myself to smile at her. She was trying her best…/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"How would you know, Vanya?" Diego snapped. "You weren't even on the mission." /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Diego, stop it," I hissed. "That's not something she can control."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanHurt, Vanya turned on her heel and rushed back inside, slamming the doors behind her. My rage suddenly focused itself on my brother, but he remained unwavering. As I tried to take a step forward, Klaus yanked on my hand to pull me back, refusing to let me do something I'd regret when my mind wasn't part of me./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Nice going, asshole," Luther barked. I was genuinely surprised he stood up to Vanya./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"What? We were all thinking it." That was a lousy defense, especially because it wasn't true./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Oh, so you're thinking, Diego? That's a first," Allison taunted bitterly, turning away from her brother./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Screw you!" Diego shot back./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Hey!"/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanWithout waiting to face his brother's wrath, Diego started back toward the house, leaving his brother and sister to follow and chew him out. I'd completely tuned out their conversation at that point, closed into the tunnel of my own anger. Biting words of the past started to play in my head, reminding me of every occasion where Dad had tried to convince me I'd done something to cause the casualties this family suffered. He'd fallen into the pattern, making it out to seem like none of us were good enough./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI wasn't good enough, but that didn't mean I had to sit here and take this./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI didn't bother to stop as Klaus called out to me. I had a new mission in my head, and I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Thankfully, the doors had been left open by the last three, allowing me to storm right in. The house was relatively quiet, save for the clinking of ice being set into a glass in the drawing room. Immediately, I set my course for the familiar place, finding Dad standing at the bar. He glanced up momentarily, acknowledging my presence before turning back to pouring a drink into his glass./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"If there is something you need, Number Four, I suggest you take it up with your mother." /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanIt felt like a thousand needles were repeatedly jamming themselves into my skin, the familiar white glow emanating from the corner of my eye. I'd never seen something like this before, but I elected to ignore it, far too focused on the man in front of me./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"You don't get to tell me Ben's death was my fault," I seethed. "You don't get to tell any of us that. Luther, Diego, and I were a little busy trying to solve the actual problem at hand."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"You three became too focused on what was in front of you to keep tabs on all sides." Dad set the bottle back in his place and leaned against the bar, as though all of this was casual. "I see no way that is not you and your siblings' faults." /span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 420.0pt;"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanMy arms and legs were white hot, disturbingly close to being lit aflame. Dad shifted slightly as he noticed./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"If we hadn't done what we had, far more people would have died. And I wish it wasn't Ben—I wouldn't hope it was any of my siblings—but you are emnot /emmaking me feel guilty about this. I live with enough, knowing I could have stopped Five from leaving, but I'm not even sure about that anymore." The ball had started rolling. There was no stopping it now. "I have lost two of my brothers in the last four years, and I'm already carrying that weight. I refuse to let you put any more on."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI'd failed to notice the slight fear that had crept its way into Dad's expression the more electricity began to crackle. I felt so overwhelmed, it was like I couldn't control what was happening anymore. My brain had shut itself down, buzzing with too much input and not enough release./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Number Four—"/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"It's not my fault!"/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanWith that, everything surged out of me, sending a wave of white lightning outwards from me. Thinking fast, Dad ducked down behind the bar, somehow managing to avoid getting shocked as it ran its course. I did, however, hear a few cries of pain from upstairs. My siblings had been listening…/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanThe moment the energy left me, I felt my stomach lurch, and the world around me started to buzz and tremble. The lightning had finally dissipated, and once it was safe again, Dad shot up from his place and stared at me. I expected him to yell, scold me for not controlling myself, but instead, he kept himself straight and tall, and his words shook slightly./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Number Four, I believe you are unwell," he stated firmly. "It would be wise for you to retire to your bed for the rest of the day. Your mother will bring you meals, and whatever else you might need."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanObjectively, it was the first time I'd seen Dad act like he actually cared about what was going on. I wasn't about to take that at face value, however./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"So you can lock me in there like a prisoner?" I laughed bitterly. "Absolutely not." Dad still refused to get worked up. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"I think rest would do you well," he insisted. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanBefore I could get in a rebuttal, the uneasy sensation brewing completely took over, causing me to collapse to the ground. I could look around and hear, but my arms and legs refused to move themselves, keeping me bound to the marble floor. The anger and resentment quickly were replaced by screaming fear. What the hell was happening to me? I tried to move, but it was like my body was no longer connected to my brain./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanUnsure of how else to respond, I began to cry, begging for someone to help me. My breaths came in short, uneasy gasps, trying to surmise some sort of air that might be able to help me off the ground. Dad's call to the rest of my siblings echoed in my brain, barely registering as words at all, and I wasn't completely aware when Luther, Allison, and Diego came to help me onto my feet. The entire walk back to my room, Dad followed, looming like a shadow, while Allison and Diego muttered reassurances and frequently squeezed my hands. Slowly, the fog began to fade, and by the time I'd been put into my bed and Mom came to my side, I was completely aware again. Mom checked over me a bit, taking my pulse and listening to my breathing before turning to Dad and making her declaration./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"She's suffered a mild panic attack. It's nothing life-threatening." I could've sworn I saw Dad let out breath he'd been holding in. Maybe I was still a little out of it… "She'll be fine in a bit, she's just shaken up."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanVanya and Klaus came rushing in with Luther, who I hadn't even noticed had left, and all of a sudden, my breath began to pick up again. Everyone was staring at me, ogling over me like I was some hurt puppy they needed to heal. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanThey wouldn't stop looking at me./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanDad seemed to notice I was starting to fall back into what I'd just come out of, and quickly ushered everyone from the room, save for Mom. He tried his best to keep his voice low, but I still caught what he said./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"See to it Number Four rests for the remainder of the week." Mom nodded, glancing back at me momentarily. "She can resume her training when she is well again."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanThat time would never come, though I didn't know that in the moment./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI expected Dad to make some biting remark as he closed the door, but instead, he just left in silence, shutting the barrier between us as quietly as possible. The second they were gone, the everlasting silence flooded in, and I began to sob, burying my head in my hands. I wished so desperately I could run down to the library and curl up in the corner and read with Ben. Maybe he'd even bring me a book now, so I wouldn't be bored. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanBut instead, there was nothing. There would embe /emnothing: no card games, no reading. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanNothing. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"strongemspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif;"- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -/span/em/strong/p
p class="MsoNormal"strongemspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif;"Okay, wow. This chapter ended up containing a lot more than I'd intended, but I kinda just started running with the emotional intensity, and I'm actually really glad I did./span/em/strong/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanThe cold winds nipped and slashed at our skins, laying down punishment for what was to come. Eyes remained glued to the concrete below us, refusing to face the stone, white painted reality set firmly in the snow before us. Despite our begging and insisting, dad refused to let us wear anything but our uniforms, only allowing grief to show through the black umbrellas held high over our heads, serving as the looming reminder. Even though I hadn't been there, when I closed my eyes, my mind filled in the gaps. Blood ran down my mindscape, flooding it and slowly causing it to drown in the guilt. I knew the rest of my siblings felt the same way—we all just had different means of expressing it. Though I could feel Dad's judgmental and disapproving gaze boring holes into my back, I refused to release my grip on Klaus' hand, unsure of how to cope in any other way. This was a strange sort of sensation: I could deny it all I wanted, but I knew my typical response to this would have been to lock myself in my studio and keep spinning, leaping, and falling until I couldn't feel my limbs anymore. However, this time around, I didn't even have the energy; I woke up in the morning, and I couldn't even muster the energy to sit up. Cinderblocks weighed down my chest, and the only way to help was when Klaus and Vanya came and dragged me out of the warm depths of my covers, forcing me to exist./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanEach of us fell into place around the pristine, spotless coffin in the middle of the yard, unconsciously leaving spaces for those no longer with us. I zipped my mouth shut and allowed my breaths to come out strained from my nostrils, refusing to let my sobs infect this moment meant to respect the one we'd lost./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanWhat the hell was I supposed to do without Ben? After Five disappeared, I'd found myself occupying my free time with my shyest brother. It turned out, he wasn't really afraid to speak, more that he only wanted to share his thoughts with certain people. For a short while, I'd found myself replacing visits to the studio with reading on the floor with Ben. We swapped books and shared our wildest theories about the meanings behind the stories, often drifting into conversation completely unrelated to our reading material at all. During those hours, the hurt just sort of fell away, completely leaving my body in a way that none of my other siblings could manage to do; I still loved spending mornings running about with Klaus, rainy days listening to Vanya's effortless concertos, and some extra training on occasion with Diego, but there was something irreplaceable about the time I spent with Ben./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanAnd now, just like last time, it was ripped right out of my hands./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI wasn't too sure about security with the rest of the family, either. Diego had already been whispering about leaving, and I'm sure this would push him over the edge. Vanya would likely follow, and I couldn't blame her. If I was treated even half as poorly as she was, I honestly would have left much earlier. Allison's independence would get the best of her, and soon, she'd head out those front doors and never look back. And Luther… well, it was a safe bet he'd be the last one left in this place. I didn't want to be left with just him. Maybe it was time for me to start looking at moving on as well./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI gripped tighter onto Klaus, keeping myself bottled up as Dad ran his cold eyes over us just once, before launching into his eulogy./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"The world is full of injustice. Good people die along with the bad. The cosmic equation will never change unless evil itself is wiped from existence." Throughout his entire delivery, Dad's voice remained emotionless and unwavering. I'm not sure what I expected, coming from him. "Thankfully, there are powerful forces pushing back against the wicked and iniquitous, individuals who have the strength to pull together against insurmountable odds to face adversity with unblinking courage, and not hesitate to sacrifice themselves for another." /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanFor a moment, my heart swelled in my chest. Though Dad's words were level, the connotation behind them made it feel like, for once, he was actually going to acknowledge the things The Umbrella Academy had done for the world. For just one second, he would compliment the work done, and acknowledge the sort of person Ben had been./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI should have known better./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Unfortunately, none of you are such people. Despite years of training and weeks of preparation, you allowed Number Six to die on this mission."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanA single, strangled sob escaped from my lips as my hands began to ball into fists, digging my nails into Klaus' skin. I heard him wince in pain, and although part of me felt bad, my anger was already beginning to rise, blocking me off from everyone but Dad. Grief and hatred began to swirl together, confusing themselves with each other as I leered in my father's direction./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"It wasn't our fault!" Allison insisted, directly defying Dad./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Excuses?" he scoffed. "I will not hear them. The Umbrella Academy has failed one of their own, the consequences of which are dire. Hold onto this feeling, children. Let it fester in your hearts… so there is never a next time." For a second, I thought Dad caught my gaze, but it was over before I could be sure. "Training will be cancelled today, out of respect for your brother. We resume tomorrow at 6:00 am."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanWith the last word fit in, Dad, Mom, and Pogo peeled off and headed back into the house, leaving the rest of us wallowing in our bitterness. No one bothered to keep their emotions silent at this point, tears and sniffles cutting through the eerily silent snowfall. My eyes followed the trio as they walked back inside, the words stirring inside me further motivating me to follow. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"It wasn't anybody's fault." I moved my gaze to Vanya, forcing myself to smile at her. She was trying her best…/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"How would you know, Vanya?" Diego snapped. "You weren't even on the mission." /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Diego, stop it," I hissed. "That's not something she can control."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanHurt, Vanya turned on her heel and rushed back inside, slamming the doors behind her. My rage suddenly focused itself on my brother, but he remained unwavering. As I tried to take a step forward, Klaus yanked on my hand to pull me back, refusing to let me do something I'd regret when my mind wasn't part of me./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Nice going, asshole," Luther barked. I was genuinely surprised he stood up to Vanya./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"What? We were all thinking it." That was a lousy defense, especially because it wasn't true./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Oh, so you're thinking, Diego? That's a first," Allison taunted bitterly, turning away from her brother./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Screw you!" Diego shot back./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Hey!"/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanWithout waiting to face his brother's wrath, Diego started back toward the house, leaving his brother and sister to follow and chew him out. I'd completely tuned out their conversation at that point, closed into the tunnel of my own anger. Biting words of the past started to play in my head, reminding me of every occasion where Dad had tried to convince me I'd done something to cause the casualties this family suffered. He'd fallen into the pattern, making it out to seem like none of us were good enough./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI wasn't good enough, but that didn't mean I had to sit here and take this./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI didn't bother to stop as Klaus called out to me. I had a new mission in my head, and I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Thankfully, the doors had been left open by the last three, allowing me to storm right in. The house was relatively quiet, save for the clinking of ice being set into a glass in the drawing room. Immediately, I set my course for the familiar place, finding Dad standing at the bar. He glanced up momentarily, acknowledging my presence before turning back to pouring a drink into his glass./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"If there is something you need, Number Four, I suggest you take it up with your mother." /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanIt felt like a thousand needles were repeatedly jamming themselves into my skin, the familiar white glow emanating from the corner of my eye. I'd never seen something like this before, but I elected to ignore it, far too focused on the man in front of me./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"You don't get to tell me Ben's death was my fault," I seethed. "You don't get to tell any of us that. Luther, Diego, and I were a little busy trying to solve the actual problem at hand."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"You three became too focused on what was in front of you to keep tabs on all sides." Dad set the bottle back in his place and leaned against the bar, as though all of this was casual. "I see no way that is not you and your siblings' faults." /span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 420.0pt;"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanMy arms and legs were white hot, disturbingly close to being lit aflame. Dad shifted slightly as he noticed./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"If we hadn't done what we had, far more people would have died. And I wish it wasn't Ben—I wouldn't hope it was any of my siblings—but you are emnot /emmaking me feel guilty about this. I live with enough, knowing I could have stopped Five from leaving, but I'm not even sure about that anymore." The ball had started rolling. There was no stopping it now. "I have lost two of my brothers in the last four years, and I'm already carrying that weight. I refuse to let you put any more on."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI'd failed to notice the slight fear that had crept its way into Dad's expression the more electricity began to crackle. I felt so overwhelmed, it was like I couldn't control what was happening anymore. My brain had shut itself down, buzzing with too much input and not enough release./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Number Four—"/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"It's not my fault!"/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanWith that, everything surged out of me, sending a wave of white lightning outwards from me. Thinking fast, Dad ducked down behind the bar, somehow managing to avoid getting shocked as it ran its course. I did, however, hear a few cries of pain from upstairs. My siblings had been listening…/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanThe moment the energy left me, I felt my stomach lurch, and the world around me started to buzz and tremble. The lightning had finally dissipated, and once it was safe again, Dad shot up from his place and stared at me. I expected him to yell, scold me for not controlling myself, but instead, he kept himself straight and tall, and his words shook slightly./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"Number Four, I believe you are unwell," he stated firmly. "It would be wise for you to retire to your bed for the rest of the day. Your mother will bring you meals, and whatever else you might need."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanObjectively, it was the first time I'd seen Dad act like he actually cared about what was going on. I wasn't about to take that at face value, however./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"So you can lock me in there like a prisoner?" I laughed bitterly. "Absolutely not." Dad still refused to get worked up. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"I think rest would do you well," he insisted. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanBefore I could get in a rebuttal, the uneasy sensation brewing completely took over, causing me to collapse to the ground. I could look around and hear, but my arms and legs refused to move themselves, keeping me bound to the marble floor. The anger and resentment quickly were replaced by screaming fear. What the hell was happening to me? I tried to move, but it was like my body was no longer connected to my brain./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanUnsure of how else to respond, I began to cry, begging for someone to help me. My breaths came in short, uneasy gasps, trying to surmise some sort of air that might be able to help me off the ground. Dad's call to the rest of my siblings echoed in my brain, barely registering as words at all, and I wasn't completely aware when Luther, Allison, and Diego came to help me onto my feet. The entire walk back to my room, Dad followed, looming like a shadow, while Allison and Diego muttered reassurances and frequently squeezed my hands. Slowly, the fog began to fade, and by the time I'd been put into my bed and Mom came to my side, I was completely aware again. Mom checked over me a bit, taking my pulse and listening to my breathing before turning to Dad and making her declaration./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"She's suffered a mild panic attack. It's nothing life-threatening." I could've sworn I saw Dad let out breath he'd been holding in. Maybe I was still a little out of it… "She'll be fine in a bit, she's just shaken up."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanVanya and Klaus came rushing in with Luther, who I hadn't even noticed had left, and all of a sudden, my breath began to pick up again. Everyone was staring at me, ogling over me like I was some hurt puppy they needed to heal. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanThey wouldn't stop looking at me./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanDad seemed to notice I was starting to fall back into what I'd just come out of, and quickly ushered everyone from the room, save for Mom. He tried his best to keep his voice low, but I still caught what he said./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /span"See to it Number Four rests for the remainder of the week." Mom nodded, glancing back at me momentarily. "She can resume her training when she is well again."/span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanThat time would never come, though I didn't know that in the moment./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanI expected Dad to make some biting remark as he closed the door, but instead, he just left in silence, shutting the barrier between us as quietly as possible. The second they were gone, the everlasting silence flooded in, and I began to sob, burying my head in my hands. I wished so desperately I could run down to the library and curl up in the corner and read with Ben. Maybe he'd even bring me a book now, so I wouldn't be bored. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanBut instead, there was nothing. There would embe /emnothing: no card games, no reading. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"span style="mso-tab-count: 1;" /spanNothing. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"strongemspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif;"- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -/span/em/strong/p
p class="MsoNormal"strongemspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif;"Okay, wow. This chapter ended up containing a lot more than I'd intended, but I kinda just started running with the emotional intensity, and I'm actually really glad I did./span/em/strong/p