The first time it happened was pure incident.
Hange was locked up all day in her laboratory, researching, reading and studying all the things available about the Titans. She's sure there are better, more informative books past Wall Sina but her wage as a soldier barely covers her current research and basic needs and she can't exactly persuade Shadis to fund her studies. With a sigh, she leaned back on her chair and glanced at the clock above the door, cursing when she noticed that it's almost midnight and that her stomach is growling in protest. She didn't go down to the mess hall when Moblit called her and she's pretty sure that her loyal assistant had already gone to bed at this point.
She took her candle and stood up, walking towards the kitchen and almost dragging her feet behind her in exhaustion. Perhaps she can still find leftovers at the kitchen. Putting the candle down near the sink, she lifted the lids of the pans still on the stove, grumbling when she saw that they were empty.
Her stomach growled again and she opened the cupboards, hoping to find bread. All she found was a box of black tea leaves. With eager hands, she took them down and searched for the kettle, filling it and putting on the stove. She found it odd that their cupboard had a box of tea. The resources of the Survey Corps only meet the need of the available soldiers and finding such in the castle leaves a question at the back of her mind. But she's not about to complain now; this tea is probably the only dinner she'll have tonight and she'll savor it.
She impatiently waited for the water to heat up, walking around the kitchen and looking through the nooks and crannies of the old kitchen. The castle that houses the Survey Corps soldiers are not as well maintained as the ones in the inner walls but it works for them.
When Hange thought that the water is hot enough, she put the tea leaves on another pot that she found available. She took the kettle out of the fire and poured the hot water onto the pot with leaves, putting the lid back on and leaving the kettle on the counter. She can tidy the place up before she left.
She inspected the kitchen again as she waited for the leaves to steep. She stood on her tiptoes and opened another cupboard, almost squealing in delight when she saw a bread at the very back of the cabinet. She reached her arm out, grunting when her fingers barely reached the food. After a few more tries, she managed the snag the plastic in her grip and she stood flat on the floor again, eagerly tearing at the packaging and eating the bread. She leaned her back against the counter, munching at the bread, her tea slipping from her mind.
She's on her last bite when the kitchen door was opened and she nearly dropped her food. She turned her head and saw the new recruit with black hair and dark eyes. He was one of the three who were brought in by Erwin today. His eyes darkened further when he saw the box on the counter.
"That's my tea," he deadpanned.
Hange grinned, "Oh, is it? I was wondering who brought that here in the castle."
He scowled and slowly stepped in, "What the fuck are you doing with my tea?"
She shrugged and popped the last of the of the bread into her mouth, "Making tea, of course," she explained with her mouth still full, "I was hungry and I saw your tea first so I thought, 'Why not?'"
"Why not? Because somebody fucking owns them," he growled through gritted teeth.
She shrugged again and tossed the plastic on the counter, turning to face the pot, "Don't be pissed – uh… you're Levi, right? – Don't be pissed, Levi! I made too much and we can share this tea, you know?"
His scowl almost disappeared and he stepped closer to where the tea leaves were still steeped, taking the empty plastic of bread and throwing it at the trash bin. Hange took two cups and carefully poured the tea, pushing the cup that she filled first in his direction. He gave her a cautious glare and Hange stared at him after pouring her own cup.
"What?" she asked with furrowed brows.
"… you didn't put any shit in this tea, did you?"
Hange's eyes widened for a second before she burst out laughing, clutching her stomach and tears appearing in her eyes. Once she calmed down, she saw Levi glaring at her, his mouth pressed in a thin line and his scowl deeper than before.
"Levi! I would never do that! Look!" she said as she grabbed the still steaming cup in her hands. She took a sip and grimaced at the heat that touched her tongue.
She grinned, "It's a little hot but, I swear! There's nothing in them! Try it!"
He still gave her a cautious look and then turned his gaze to his designated cup. He slowly reached out and gripped the rim of the glass, which made Hange's eyebrows to raise inquisitively. That… is a peculiar way to hold a teacup.
He raised the cup to his lips and took a cautious sip… only to spit it out on the sink shortly.
"What the fuck is this shit, shitty glasses?!" he gasped out as he put the teacup down on the counter.
Her eyebrows knitted in confusion and she frowned, "Uh… it's tea?"
"It's not tea!" he exclaimed, "It tastes like shit!"
Her mouth fell open, "No, it doesn't!" she retorted indignantly.
"It fucking does! How long have you steeped these leaves?!"
Her expression fell slack as she stared blankly at the pot, "Oh… um… well, I searched for food in the cabinets and then I saw the bread at the very back so it took me a while to reach for it and then I ate – "
"How long?" he interjected; irritation evident in his voice.
"Oh, maybe more than ten minutes," she finally answered, a sheepish note in her voice.
Levi pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, "Black tea leaves should only be steeped for five."
Hange blinked, "Oh, is that so?"
"Yes! It says right here on the box!" he exclaimed again as he nearly shoved the box of tea leaves to her face. She pushed his hand gingerly and gave him a sheepish smile.
"Well, it tastes like tea to me!" she protested with a slight pout.
"That tasted like –," he started incredulously before he sighed and ran a hand down his face in exasperation, "Oh, fuck it."
He took the cup by its rim again and gripped the box with his free hand before turning to leave, leaving behind a very confused Hange.
The second time was when he was formally recruited into the Survey Corps.
Hange found him at the kitchen again late at night when they came back from their expedition. Their loss this time was significant, considering the fact that there was a storm halfway through their journey that made their visibility drop to almost zero and they barely made it back inside the wall in time. Hange was one of the people tasked of identifying the bodies carried by the wagon and figuring out which ones were missing. While doing her job, Hange found out that Levi's only two friends, Isabel and Farlan, had died.
When she found Levi, he was sitting by the table at the center of the kitchen, staring down at his cup and hiding his face from her. There were two other cups but they were empty. Hange presumed that it was his own way of honoring his fallen friends.
"Levi?" she spoke softly.
"Leave me alone," he said, his voice void of any emotions.
Hange did the opposite. She sat down next to him and gripped a cup in both hands. When she looked closely, she noticed that all the cups are empty and the box of tea leaves were on the edge of the table. He raised his face slightly, glaring at her, and Hange can see the anguish in his eyes, the pain, regret and anger swimming in his dark orbs and Hange felt sorry for him. The three of them were new to this and the mortality rate of new recruits are considerably high. It would be a miracle for the new ones to return alive after their first expedition.
But this is the Survey Corps. They're facing Titans on a regular basis. An expedition beyond the Walls is just another Tuesday for them. They could die any time that they're venturing outside the walls.
She stood up and searched for the kettle, "Let's have some tea, Levi! I promise it will be better than the last time!"
He stayed silent. She continued talking while she filled up the kettle with water and put it on the stove, "Did you know that there's a mythical creature that had horse features but they have a horn at the middle of their head? They're called 'unicorn', if I remembered correctly. Also, did you know that horses can sleep both lying down and standing up? Oh! And that they…"
Hange continued to rattle off all the horse facts that she knows while she searched for the pot and put few tea leaves inside. When the water was hot enough, she poured the water and began to talk about plants as she waited for the leaves to steep. Really, anything to fill up the thick, tensed and awkward silence of the kitchen. She forgot and left the tea leaves to steep for at least seven minutes and she hurriedly poured them both a cup.
Hange sat down, took a deep breath and released the air with her next words, "Did you know that Titans don't have a digestive system?"
He blinked and confusion was added to his expression, "What?"
Hange nodded enthusiastically and took a sip of the tea she prepared, "Now I see what you're talking about! This tea is tasted better than the one I had the other night!"
"Oi, four eyes. What the fuck?"
"Oh! As I was saying, these Titans don't have a digestive system! They only devour humans with the intent to kill and then puke them out!"
"Shitty glasses, shut the – "
"And that means they don't have to shit!" she finished with a grin.
He stared at her silently for a few moments, trying to absorb all of the things she just said. He looked surprised, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly agape. After a few seconds, he closed his mouth, his teeth snapping together and he scowled at her.
"The fuck do you want, shitty four eyes?" he asked, eyes narrowed with suspicion.
She shrugged and stood up, reaching up and opening the cupboards, "Nothing, I swear! I'm just hungry and I need the company. I've been working all day and I didn't have lunch or dinner yet. Do you know where they keep the bread? I think they changed it when I stole one the other night."
She heard a slight sigh behind her, "Middle cabinet. Left side, very back."
Hange immediately moved towards the aforementioned cupboard, standing on her tiptoes to reach for the bread. She walked back to her seat while opening the package and put the plastic down between them. Levi warily eyed the food before he turned his glare towards her.
"The fuck are you doing?" he asked lowly, his shoulders tensed and the muscles around his mouth are tight.
Hange took a bread and gave him a half-hearted shrug, "I told you it's nothing! I just want to eat and have tea."
Levi turned his face away from hers. For a moment, Hange stared at him. All the emotions came back to his face and he looked down at the table again, his hair falling to hide his eyes from her. His shoulders were hunched with defeat, his hands clenched tight on the table.
Hange knew that he blamed himself for what happened. She, herself, had been in that position so many times before and it's a feeling that you can't just shake off: the feelings of anger, of uselessness, of shame, of guilt that will weigh you down and will eat away at you like some sort of parasite sucking the life blood out of you. It will leave you helpless, overthinking the scenarios of what you could've done while you watched with morbid horror as your comrade is snatched by an enormous hand and you will be tormented by their terrorized screams for nights on end.
She had been in that position countless times before but she still didn't know how to make it all better.
With a tentative hand, Hange slowly reached out for his. She let her fingertips grazed the back of his hand and she felt the muscles of the said hand tighten even further but she didn't falter. Instead, she laid her hand over his, letting her warmth be felt by him. He closed his eyes tightly, his jaw clenching as he looked down at the table.
"Why?" he whispered, torment evident in his voice.
"Why what?" she asked back just as softly.
"Why are you… doing this?" he muttered through gritted teeth.
She shrugged and she firmly gripped his hand, "I don't know. I don't even know what to say to you right now."
She looked at their hands and she started to ease his fingers, unclenching each finger with gentle yet firm movements, "But," she continued as she started to unclench his middle finger, "I just want you to know that we're still here. You and I and the whole Survey Corps."
When he finally looked up, Hange was not really surprised tears in his eyes, tears that he tries so hard to keep in.
"They're gone," he whispered in a broken voice.
"I know," she replied bluntly, "But we have to continue being here because I'm sure it's what they want."
He didn't answer but he unclenched his remaining fingers and gripped hers tightly, desperately, and Hange thinks that this is what he needed at the moment: a reminder of what's still left.
The third time was when he was injured.
He refused to stay in the infirmary after the injury that he sustained after the fight with the Female Titan at the Titan Forest and, instead, locked himself in his room. Hange, still in her filthy clothes, went to the kitchen and heated the water. She took the box of black tea leaves from its hiding spot at the top of the shelf. She checked the cupboard for any food she can peruse, grumbling when all she saw was stale bread. She opened a few more cabinets, disappointed but not really surprised to see nothing more. With a frown, she took the stale bread.
As she waited for the tea leaves to steep, she reflected on the day that they had. They suffered so many losses, courtesy of the Female Titan. The entire Levi Squad, with the exception of Eren and its Captain, was annihilated. Hange's mind worked tirelessly, trying to recall what went wrong in their mission, in their strategies, replaying the events in her head and attempting to figure out the Titan's quirks, moves and abilities. She didn't notice that she was muttering to herself until Moblit's voice startled her.
"Section Commander?" he asked by the doorway. She looked up with wide eyes, staring at the worried gaze of her assistant.
"Something wrong, Moblit?"
The man shook his head, "No. Nothing's wrong, Section Commander, but I do think you need to rest now. It's almost midnight."
She sighed and pulled out a tray from the cabinet, "Sure, Moblit. I'll just bring this to Levi."
The blond continued to eye her warily and then nodded. He knew that he can't stop her from going to the Captain.
Hange took a cup, pouring a little amount into it, taking a sip and grimacing. She let the leaves steep for too long and they came out more bitter than intended but she can't exactly put this tea to waste. She put the pot, cups and bread to the tray and carefully made her way up to his room. With the tray balanced precariously upon one arm, she knocked on his door.
"What is it, four eyes?" he called out.
"It's tea!" she exclaimed. There was a sigh from the other side and the scraping of chair against the wooden floor. It took him longer than usual to get to the door and lift the bar, probably because of his injured leg. He opened the door slightly and Hange grinned.
"Your tea will always tastes like shit," he stated.
"But you can't resist them," she retorted in a sing song voice, still grinning.
He sighed and opened the door wider to let her in. Hange set the tray upon his desk and poured the tea into cups as Levi limped behind her, landing heavily on his bed. She gave him a cup and sat down at the chair by his desk, tearing the bread and giving him half. She watched as he accepted the bread and took a huge bite out of it.
"Hungry?" she teased as she bit onto hers.
He gave her a half-hearted glare, "I didn't eat anything today, shitty glasses."
She shrugged and took another bite of her food. He took a sip of the tea and frowned at the cup.
"Still tastes like shit," he complained.
"Sorry, alright? I got distracted," she reasoned with a huff and taking another sip, ignoring the bitter taste that it left on her tongue. He was quiet for a while.
"How many?" he muttered as he took another bite.
She set the cup down on the table and sighed, "They're not done yet. And there's a few still missing."
She studied him as he looked down at the floor. It's already dark, with only the candle at his desk lighting up the room but Hange can clearly see the agony and regret in his face. He blamed himself for what happened and she knows that.
"It's not your fault," she mumbled in what she hoped is a comforting manner.
He looked up sharply, his dark eyes glaring at her, "Coming from you."
He knows, of course he knows. She's transparent to him the way he is to her and it sometimes annoyed her. He knew that she was wallowing in guilt of not being able to think of another strategy to employ, of a contingency plan to stop the Female Titan.
An ironic smile made its way to her smile, "Hypocrite of me, huh?"
"Tell me about it," he agreed.
"I'm sorry, Levi," she whispered. His gaze snapped hers and it was her turn to look down at her dirty boots, suddenly embarrassed of how she blurted the words out.
"It's not your fault, four eyes," he told her, "In fact, it's nobody's fault. I just… I felt responsible for them because they were my squad members."
"Levi, it's alright," she finally looked up and gave him an almost urgent look, "They were fine soldiers and they made true to their duty until the end. You're right, it's nobody's fault."
They were silent for a few moments until Levi took another sip of the tea.
"Nothing like Petra's," he said quietly.
She fell silent for a few seconds, grief and nostalgia filling her chest. Her squad always worked closely with Levi's and she became close to the members due to their teams' constant practice and on-field coordination. Gunther was someone who was stern but it's obvious that her cared so much for his squad. Petra was a sweet girl with so much potential. Eld was a great leader to the team as the second-in-command, someone with a great sense of responsibility that they admire. Oruo, for all his antics and tongue-biting mannerism, was a great soldier who helped his comrades get away from dangerous situations countless of times.
"Nothing like Petra's," she echoed. He reached out and, without hesitation, she took his hand in between hers and she let him feel her warmth.
The fourth time was in Shiganshina, when they were surrounded by loss and death.
Eren and Jean helped in carrying Erwin's body to the bedroom on one of the undamaged houses in Shiganshina. They found flowers not too far from the wall and she brought it back to them, putting the flowers down near the bed where they laid the 13th Commander of the Survey Corps. They stood quietly around the bed as they paid their respects before the kids turned around and left the veterans with their fallen comrade.
Hange felt numb from head to toe, inside and outside. Out of the hundred that came with them, only nine of them was left behind. She lost one of her eyes. The Survey Corps lost its commander. She lost two of her closest friends in one day and countless soldier had died. Her thoughts are in jumble, her mind racing, especially with the new responsibility that's been handed to her. Loss after loss in a single day.
She stared at Erwin's corpse, wrapped in the Survey Corps cloak and realized that she can't look at him any longer.
She left the room and went straight to the kitchen. Her eye spotted the untouched firewood and the stove and she immediately went over there, trembling hands trying to strike the match and start a fire. She cursed after her fourth failed attempt when steady hands took the box of matches from her hands. Hange looked up and saw Jean, who was avoiding her eyes – eye, her mind corrected – and he was the one who managed to start the fire going and soon, the stove had a fire enough to heat the kettle. She searched for the kettle but the boy beat her to it again when he took it out from a cabinet.
"I'll fill this water, Commander," he mumbled and stepped out.
His words stopped her and she stood still on the middle of kitchen.
Commander.
The honorary doesn't fit her. In fact, she's not fit for this. Who the hell is she to fill in Erwin's shoes? She, who's viewed by many as crazy and eccentric, trying to lead the Survey Corps as its Commander? She's not fit to lead, not fit to command anything and, yet, this position was thrust into her hands and she has no other choice but to take it.
Jean returned shortly and he put the kettle on the stove. When he turned to face her, he still can't look her in the eye, "We'll leave now, Han – Commander. And… uh… I found this in a cabinet," he said and handed her a box of tea leaves.
Hange didn't say anything as he left.
She found cups in the cupboard but no spare pot. She took a bowl instead and put the leaves in. With jerky movements, she poured the hot water to the bowl, watching as the water started to darken with the leaves' color.
She turned back as the leaves steeped in the hot water and paced the small kitchen of the house. She can't do this. She couldn't be the one to lead the Survey fucking Corps. She can't face those snobby, shitty people from Wall Sina. She can't present herself to Zackly Darius and Nile Dalk and Pyxis Dot and tell them that Humanity's Hope is now gone and she'll be the shitty replacement for him because he apparently, had no other choice. She had no way of explaining to them that she let the Armored Titan go instead of killing him on the spot. She can't be the fucking Commander –
She kicked the table over and it toppled a few feet in front of her. Unsatisfied, she grabbed hold of a chair and threw it across the room. She was choking, something's clawing inside her throat and she wanted to scream, to throw up, anything to get it out of her. She panted and struggled to breathe properly, her hands clenching and unclenching around nothingness. Chest still heaving, she kicked the other chair and, when it landed, she found out that she almost hit Levi with the chair that she sent flying.
"Hange," he said evenly.
Still panting, she turned away from him, her hands gripping the counter until her knuckles turned white. There's something burning inside her throat and she couldn't help herself from kicking the wooden door of the cabinet beneath the sink, feeling the old door bend and break due to her kick. His voice sounded behind her again, hands gripping the top of her arms and she flinched from his touch. Turning her around.
"Hange," he spoke again, urgently. She's still breathing hard; she can feel the dryness of her mouth and the burning sensation inside her throat is not completely gone but she managed to speak.
"I can't do this," she gasped out, "I can't – I can't –"
"Shh," he shushed her and brought a hand up to her face, wiping away the tears that escaped her eye. In her rage, she didn't even notice that she started crying, her tears flowing uninhibited down her face. She sob made its way out of her mouth and her legs gave way, making her fall onto the concrete floor. He knelt in front of her and began to run his hands up and down her arms.
"Hange, listen to me," he ordered, his voice now calmer, "Imitate how I breathe. Breathe in… breathe out…"
She tried to follow his breathing, her breathing slowly starting to steady itself as she followed Levi's example.
"Levi, I can't do this," she wheezed, "I can't… I can't be a Commander."
"Hange, stop it," he said lowly and made her look him in the eyes, "Hange, you're the best person for this job. Stop doubting yourself because you're the one who can do jackshit to somehow fix this mess."
"Because Erwin had no other choice!" she cried out and tears started to flow freely down her cheek again.
She's being insensitive and she knows it. Levi also lost a friend, had watched countless number of soldiers die before his eyes and, yet, here she is, being comforted by him.
"Stop it, Hange," he said harshly, glaring at her, "Erwin chose you to be the next commander because you're smart and you have experience and you have all the fucking skills needed to be one. He chose you because he trusts you. He trusts your judgment, your ability and he put his trust on that big ass brain of yours. It's not because 'he had no other choice'. You're his only choice to be the Commander because he trusts in you," he declared as he wiped his thumb across her cheek.
She sniffled and nodded. It took her a long time to finally calm down and to steady her racing heart and Levi stayed kneeling on the floor with her, his hands running down her arms in a comforting manner. She took a deep breath and released a big sigh.
"Okay," she muttered as she wiped the last of her tears from her face, "Okay, I'm alright now."
He eyed her, "You sure?"
She managed to give him a courageous smile, "Yeah."
He stood up and glanced at the bowl of leaves still submerged in warm water, "You made tea?"
She rubbed her nose, still sitting on the floor, "I tried,"
He nodded absentmindedly and began to pour the tea to the cups that she prepared. Handing her one of the cups, he sat back down beside her. She gingerly took a sip and he did the same.
"Tastes like shit," he stated and Hange is inclined to agree. He reached out with his free hand and gripped hers tightly.
The fifth time was when they were on their last night in Odiha, trying to escape the Yeagerists and the Rumbling.
They just finished interrogating Yelena, trying to get every possible information that can milk from them about Eren's possible plan and destination. They confessed that it's a possibility that Eren is heading towards Port of Acifra, so they'll be leaving for Port Salta first thing in the morning.
The Azumabito's had generously offered their available resources and one of the said resources was a variety of tea. Hange didn't hesitate to pick the box of black tea leaves, not even sparing the other boxes a glance. This time, she watched the clock closely as she waited for the leaves to steep and, once the clock hit five minutes, she removed the leaves from the pot, gathered it with the cups and the bread into the tray and brought them to Levi's room.
Levi was looking out the window when Hange entered but he turned to look at her when the door opened. She gave him a tired smile as she put the tray down on the bedside table and sat down next to him on his bed.
"How do you feel, Levi?" she asked in a soft voice, her fingers brushing the hair away from his eyes.
"Like shit," he complained as he leaned his head against her touch.
The past four years had changed the both of them. They grew even closer and they crossed the line of friendship long before this happened. They're just afraid to put a name to what they currently share. They both tried their best and, frankly, they're both tired. Tired of the politics, of the bloodshed, of the fighting that seemed to be constant thing in their lives right now.
Hange gently ran her fingers over the back of his right hand, gently tracing the remaining fingers and leaned her forehead against his shoulder. She's so inexplicably tired but she couldn't imagine the exhaustion that Levi is feeling right now. He failed, yet again, to kill Zeke and he almost got blown to pieces by the Thunder Spear that she personally designed. She almost lost him because of it and, for the moment, she wants to remind herself of the warmth that his body still emits.
"What… did you bring?" he asked slowly as he's still having difficulty with speaking.
She sat up straight and gave him a grin, "I'm so glad you asked!" she exclaimed as she stood up and poured the tea into their cups, "This will be the best cup of tea you will ever taste!"
He scoffed and he accepted the cup with his left hand, eyeing it warily, "Your tea always… tastes like shit."
She huffed and took a bread, tearing it into smaller pieces and giving them to him, "Believe me, Levi! This is the best! I followed all your instructions and took the leaves out after five minutes," she grinned as Levi began to eat the bite-sized bread, "Go ahead, Levi. Try it."
He eyed her warily before raising the cup to his lips and taking a sip. A small smile appeared on his lips as Hange gently held his hand in between both of hers.
Levi opened his eye slowly, his mind still swimming in between sleep and wakefulness. He laid a hand on the bed and sat up slowly, looking around the small room that he had. He closed his eye for a moment tightly as he tried to collect his thoughts. Was it really only five times? He's pretty sure that his shitty glasses made him a cup of tea more than five times but he can't be sure any longer. His memories nowadays tend to mix and mend together, leaving behind a dream-like haze in his mind.
He opened his eye and glanced around the room again. He's still alone.
He stood up slowly, making his way to the bathroom. On his way, he happened to pass by the full-length mirror and saw himself. His hair was longer than he remembered, there's also the hint of facial hair and he turned away in disgust as he barely recognized the man that looked back at him.
He had a quick bath and he made his way towards the kitchen. His hands moved automatically though slowly, the lack of fingers a slight hinder in his once deft movements. He reached for the kettle, filling it with water and letting it heat on the stove. He put the black tea leaves on a separate pot and moved the jar of sugar cubes close to him. Pouring the hot water to the pot, he waited for the leaves to steep, reaching for two teacups and put two sugar cubes onto one. The opening of Paradis to the world had opened up a lot of trade business that sugar is no longer a scarcity and can be purchased at an affordable price.
Taking the leaves out, he poured the tea into the cups, taking the unsweetened one and leaning against the counter. He took a slow sip, his taste buds no longer tasting the dark and slightly bitter flavor of his once favorite tea. He put the cup down next to the one that he made for her and smiled without any joy.
"It was the best cup of tea, Hange," he mumbled, his voice a loud echo in the silence of the castle that the Survey Corps once called home, "Too bad nobody can do it for me again."