A/N
Thank you reviewers for the kind words on the last chapter, I fixed that one, very prominent, spelling mistake. Fair warning, this chapter is fairly unpleasant. Anyway, enjoy the chapter!
Losing Faith
chapter 6
Ahsoka stepped off the gunship. The battle had been a massive defeat, with hundreds of clones dead and loads more wounded. The intense fighting over the last hours had taken a heavy toll on her. She looked over at Barriss, who was right beside her. The usually so calm and collected girl looked far more shaken than usual, even for a heavy battle like this. Ahsoka decided to make a point of checking on her after the de-briefing. She then walked toward the bridge to give her report to the council.
Ahsoka walked onto the bridge. Anakin was standing beside the holo-table. He looked incredibly tired. That was normal of course, he'd been in command for hours, worrying about the fate of his men. "And yours" a voice in her head said. She couldn't deny that. The losses of today where probably weighing heavily on his mind.
"Ahsoka!" Anakin called out to her. "Are you alright?" he had a worried look on his face.
"I'm alright" Ahsoka said. "Just... Shaken, is all."
"I understand" Anakin said. "You can go to your quarters, if you'd like. I'll tell the council that you'll report later"
"I'll be alright" Ahsoka said. "I just want to get this over with."
"Alright, your choice"
Anakin then proceeded to call the council. Master Yoda and master Windu appeared, their blue forms illuminating the room. "You have a report for us, Skywalker?" he asked, but it wasn't really a question.
And so, Anakin, Ahsoka and master Luminara gave their reports. Anakin felt anger toward the council. He blamed them for sending them in with hardly any intel whatsoever. Yet, he managed to restrain himself.
"Return to Coruscant, you shall" master Yoda stated. "dismissed, you are"
The three Jedi on the bridge bowed, and then the holo-table shit off. "I'm going to see Barriss" Ahsoka said to her master
"Alright" Anakin said. "And Ahsoka?" Ahsoka turned back and shot him a questioning look. "Talk to me if you need to. Or want to."
Ahsoka smiled a little bit. It was nice that her cared. "I'll do that if I need to" she replied. She then went down to Barriss' quarters.
-0-0-0-0-
Ahsoka knocked on the door to Barriss' quarters. She heard an audible gasp, and something being dropped. "Just a minute" she heard Barriss' voice on the other side of the door. It sounded a little panicked.
"Well that's strange." Ahsoka thought. " Barriss is always so calm, I can't even remember a time where she was panicked." Today definitely was a day of new experiences. And not of the good type.
The door finally opened. Barriss stood in the doorway. "oh, hey Ahsoka." She said. She sounded tired. "I thought it was my master"
"Can I come in?" Ahsoka asked.
"oh, of course! Where are my manners?" Barriss responded. She stepped aside, letting Ahsoka in. "Would you like some tea?"
"I think I could use some after today" Ahsoka said. She sat down on one of the chairs.
Barriss poured the tea into 2 cups, and sat down on the bed. "Is there anything you want to talk about?" she asked.
""Well..." Ahsoka started "how are you, Barriss? You seem quite shaken."
"Well... It was quite a heavy battle, but I'll manage." Barriss answered. She forced a small smile.
Ahsoka didn't believe it for a second. "We both know how terrible it was. I refuse to believe that it doesn't bother you. I can only imagine how hard it is for you as a healer, to see so many people die." She knew that Barriss cared for the clones, even though she always remained professional.
Ahsoka's words seemed to have an effect on Barriss, despite her attempts to hide it. "I'll just have to put it behind me" she said. "I have to move on."
Ahsoka could clearly see that Barriss was much more shaken than she showed. "Barriss" Ahsoka said in a comforting tone. "You don't have to hide how you feel from me" she grabbed her green friend's shoulder. "I won't judge you."
Something deep inside Barriss cracked. She tried to control her emotions, but she couldn't. The emotions where just far to much. Ahsoka moved closer to Barriss, and Barriss started sobbing into her arms.
-0-0-0-0-
Jedi master and general Luminara Unduli was on the bridge of the Resolute. There were things that needed to be done after today's loss. She looked at the terminals, at the damage report. The damage was extensive, and the separatists where hot on their tail. Suddenly, she felt powerful, painful emotions through the force. Sadness, pain, guilt, sorrow, and many, many more she couldn't decipher. And they were all coming from her padawan. She reached out through the force, and felt Barriss emotions through the force. She was so dark, so incredibly dark. Sadness and guilt washed over Luminara. She realised that she should be there for her padawan, not here on the bridge! She'd always been professional with Barriss, always reminding her to not let her emotions overtake her, but never actually talking about them. And Barriss hardly ever showed emotions, especially negative ones. But, Luminara now realized, these emotions where there. And she hadn't helped Barriss in the slightest. She told the captain on the bridge where she was going, and then she almost ran to Barriss quarters.
Arriving in front of the door, she stopped and listened. She heard Barriss' chocked voice, emotions still radiating from her.
"I hate having to patch those clones up, just to send them back into the field, just to die. I'm supposed to protect people, not to harm them. We're supposed to be peacekeepers, not fighting in a pointless war. It makes me sick."
"Why don't you talk to your master about this?" she heard another voice say. She recognised it as Ahsoka's.
"she would... She wouldn't understand" Barriss' reply came. "she'd just tell me to be mindful of my emotions. Or she'd tell the council so they can find some form of punishment for me."
Luminara's heart cracked. Her own padawan didn't even trust her. Sadness overcame her once again. She'd failed Barriss, and she had to pay the price. Luminara turned around and left, deeply saddened.
Inside Barriss' quarters
Ahsoka held her crying friend in a comforting embrace. Barriss' head lay on Ahsoka's shoulder as she sobbed. Painful memories of dying clones, difficult decisions in the heat of battle, death and destructing where projected into the force, and Ahsoka saw them. Ahsoka's arm brushed past Barriss' shoulder as she stroked her back. Suddenly, Barriss flinched and retreated from the embrace.
"Barriss?" Ahsoka asked. "Is something wrong?"
Barriss looked at her with fear in her eyes. "it's nothing" she said.
Ahsoka didn't believe her for a second. "Barriss, you can tell me. I won't judge. What's going on?"
"Its nothing!" Barriss said again. "I swear."
"If it really is nothing, then you can show me." Ahsoka said.
Barriss couldn't hold her emotions anymore, and collapsed into sobbing. Ahsoka hugged her green friend again, and slowly pulled up Barriss' sleeve. Barriss didn't protest or try to stop her.
Ahsoka's eyes widened in shock at what she saw. Hundreds, no, thousands of scars littered all over her forearm. Some looked old, some looked fresh. At the top, near her elbow, there were a fair few cuts that were still bleeding. Ahsoka's heart broke out in sorrow for the green-skinned teenager. "Who did this to you?" Ahsoka asked.
Barriss only sobbed harder, her shoulders shocking up and down. Memories flooded into the force again. Barriss, with a knife in her hand, cutting up her own forearm. Ahsoka rolled up the other sleeve of Barriss' arm, and saw thousands more scars. This was bad. This was terrible.
"Why... Why would you do this to yourself?"
Through her tears, Barriss answered. "I... I couldn't... Keep my oath. I swore to heal everyone if they came to me, that I would never let anyone die. I had to punish myself for breaking that oath." She sobbed again, and Ahsoka sat down next to her, on the bed, and comforted her.
"Why so many? Why did you give yourself so many cuts, so much pain?"
Barriss still sobbed, but she answered. "I cut myself once for every clone that died under my care."
Ahsoka's eyes widened in shock, the markings above her eyes shooting several centimetres upwards. She knew, of course, that many clones died in this war, but seeing it like this... It visualised the cost of this war in a different, much more shocking way.
"Barriss, this is not okay" Ahsoka said. "People die sometimes, even with all the medical care in the universe. You can't blame yourself for that."
"But it's my fault!" Barriss replied. "It's my job to save them! I'm such a failure."
Ahsoka put a hand on the side of her friend's head. "Barriss." She said sternly. "Don't let anyone tell you that you are a failure. Not your master, not a Jedi, nobody. Not even yourself. You are one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, and one of the best Jedi I know. You are anything but a failure."
"But why do I keep failing?" Barriss asked.
Ahsoka sighed deeply. "Because sometimes, things just... Happen. As long as you do your best, there's nothing more you can do but accept that things won't go well 100 percent of the time."
Barriss sighed, a smile forming on her face. A small, sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. "You're right" she said. "I wish I could've seen it sooner."
Ahsoka smiled back. "I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore, Barriss." Ahsoka said. "I want you to promise not to cut yourself anymore."
"I'll try my best" Barriss said.
"And if you ever want to talk, just give me a call" Ahsoka continued. "I'm always willing to listen." She then stood up. "Try to get some sleep, it'll probably make you feel better. Good night!"
"Good night" Barriss replied.
-0-0-0-0-
Ahsoka knocked on the door to Anakin's quarters. Soon enought, Anakin had opened the door. "Hey snips." He said. "What's up?"
"Not much" Ahsoka said. She sighed deeply. "I just want to... You know, talk"
"Of course!" Anakin said. "I'm always here to talk. Come in."
Ahsoka stepped inside her master's quarters. They looked practically identical to her own, save for a few tools and mechanical bits and pieces that he had been tinkering with before she came in. Anakin sat down on his bed, and patted next to him, indicating that Ahsoka should sit next to him. She complied.
"So" Anakin started. "how are you, Ahsoka?"
"Tired" Ahsoka replied. "And shaken. But other than that, I think I'll get through. I went to visit Barriss, which didn't exactly help."
Anakin knew which line of questioning to take. "How was Barriss?" he asked.
"Can you keep a secret?" Ahsoka asked in return.
Anakin was bewildered. This must be serious. "Of course I can." He replied. "my lips are sealed"
Ahsoka managed a small smile. "Thanks" she responded. She then continued on. "Barriss was... Not well. She had an outburst of emotions that she'd been storing since the start of the war, and she's afraid to show emotions to her master because she thinks she'll judge her."
"Oh Ahsoka," Anakin thought. "always looking out for other people." "That doesn't sound good."
"You don't know half of it" Ahsoka replied. "She says she hates the war, she hates helping the clones just to send them to die"
"I can imagine that" Anakin responded. "As a healer, you swear to protect and care for people, to keep them alive. I hate having to send my men into battle like that, I can't even begin to imagine how terrible it must be for her."
Ahsoka nodded. Memories of her other discovery started flooding her mind, and suddenly it felt as if she'd swallowed a stone that was now stuck in her throat. "I... I found out that..." her voice trembled.
Anakin threw his arm around her, comforting her. "What did you find out, snips?" He asked, his voice full of compassion.
"She... She had thousands of cuts all over her arms." Ahsoka's eyes filled with tears. "She said she made a cut for each... Each clone that died when she tried to heal them." Tears now flowed freely down her face, her shoulders shocking up and down as she cried. Anakin pulled the teenager closer to himself, her head pressed against his chest in a comforting embrace.
For a few minutes, they just stayed like that. Anakin comforted Ahsoka with his presence while she cried her heart out and drained her emotions. After some time, she managed to calm down.
"Don't tell anyone what I told you, please." Ahsoka said to her master.
"I won't" Anakin replied.
"Thanks. Not just for keeping that secret, but for... Being there for me." Ahsoka managed a small smile.
"Of course" Anakin replied. "I'll always be here for you. Now I think it's about time to go to sleep. Will you be alright?"
"I think so." Ahsoka said. "Good night master."
"Good night."
A/N
And that's it for this slightly depressing chapter! I hope you enjoyed nonetheless. If you want to be notified when the next chapter releases, make sure to follow the story. As always, tips, suggestions and reviews are appreciated, and have a good day!
-ashnagog