Long long time ago in galaxy afar far way
The hero Drum Solo had saved the univesred, turn the deatha cube into the party cbue, and scored some smoking babes and adventure along hte way. But we must look back to the days of his uprising when it was before his birthdayce and he had just gotten arrested from drug driving, drivng while on space drugs on a desert place. Now he was getting his bond payed along with college party friend Poe Daoen, only catch?
"Ewe! It you?" Drum Solo say, in sleezy palace bedroom.
"OHH OHH OHH! It me Drum Solo, Rosio the Hutt," said Rosio Hutt, who was very fat and ugly worm human hybird monster alien. She was a powerful mobster in this part of the galaxy and she neeed3ed a favor from Drum Solo and his pal Poe dmaner.
Drum, who did not have his cool oranged glasses yet, sighed. As he thought he could use a few extra space bucks if he heard them offer, "Arlight, alright. Let's get this over with. What is the jbo?"
Rosio Hutt smother gross honey on her gorsser body, "Oh you're going to love this!" But Drum Solo doubted it.
"Im doubt THAT! But go head anyways." He said, so she did.
"It BIG journey to Kettle planets, there, you will meat a sauve guy who is mining space drug for me. Him name, err, Lad I thinked. He'll need yor help, not too brite me thinks." Hutta explained.
PHEW" Drum solo phewd with air. "For a second there I was worried I'd have to ave sex with your nasty sick worm body!"
But that was for later, of course. "Only if you manage to bring him and drug back here in one pees, sweet'ums." She winkor but that only mader Drem gag in back of throttle.
"Umm, I know you TECHNICALLY gurl, but I pass. Not to be gaybo, of course. Just have my pace reddits redy upon my return." Then Drum did crotch grab thing like Mikel Jackson.
Poe Damneron, exit the bathroom, it have slug icon on it and it say little sluygs room. Poe Damner cringe, "The sooner we get out of there the beter. Now, Drum. I want to ask you a question. Tell me, man to man. Are we going to really work for that slimy slug bitch?"
"For Space bucks," Yeeah.
They enter patchy ship that belong to Poe Damner uncle, Joe. They put on seat buckles but Drom Solo didnt. What a rebel, liturly. Poe say, "You hear about this new army gearing up? Call themselves the First Order. Hear they might be trouble."
"Trouble my middle na-" but Drum Solo hit gas too soon and iunerapt himself an dlight speed to hte kettle planet.
The Ketul plant was a faciticiy planet where all the First Order Empire send all the rebel spies to mine evil drug for them to make proffet. I thinked I saw a Wookie there, but not sure if will come up larter on.
Drum Sole smelt the air and it smalt like bad spice you find in mother's kitchen cabinet. "Eww, and I thogut that Slug gurl smeller bad, on the outside!" And it did smell bad but Drum was exaggerating for comedic affect.
Our two heroes were unschatched, thanks to wearing sealt belt, except for Dum who miraculously survived doo to his overwelming coolness factor. It was contagious like space flu but not bad for you,
But then an evil First Order assassin appear and demand their money, but this they would refuse. Drum Solo kick them in neck and Poe Damner did the same. Like pinball machine they punch back assassin between one another until Drum Solo SPICE it up with kick and win. They fix their collars cooley and move on.
Po thinkert, "Umm, what point of that exactly? Reminds me of action moovie, but like real life. Hope we don't see more like that…" Pim was visibly worried, not sure why when he had Gakxly BEST hero with him, who is Drum Sol (or at least he will be one day).
"Danger magnet to me," Drum Solo go light cigerette, "Go get some snacks from convenient store. I enjoy a smoke."
"I will buy a Kit Fisto Bar," Poe declared.
As Poe left for snacks, Drum Solo enjoy smoke and look at monitor on wall nearby. It was Ad by business personality Buzz Creamer. On TV Buzz Creamer say to buy his spice gummies and Drum Solo suddenly want to try them. He went after for Poe but when he enter shop he saw Poe Damner ambushed by First Order spice guards!
"Let mey friend go," Drum Solo WAS not fast enough to use pistol and was tazaered by spice captain. When he wake up Poe Dramner was gone and Drum did not have his pistol.
"Where is my gun!?" Drum Solo shouted and sat up. He look around and see very dark cell. "Hmm. This spells trouble for the Drummer."
"HUMAN SLAVE!" Say Sandman walking in, "You will now mine spice for our Master Lord Harkoner. Then afterwards you wull fight to the death for the Lord Harkoner amusement!"
"Let's skip to the battle shall we?" Drum Solo sayed so they did, thinking he would be trouble tow rok with anywan.
In arena on canyon arena, Drum Solo see his enemy is WOOKIE! "Where is my cool sword," Drum Solo ask.
"You don't get one. It his fst fight to death," Said sandman eating Kit Fisto bar in aren seat.
"Hmm, thonk ya can give me some Montreal Steak?" Ax him. Sandman ignore him because he thought this joke was lame and wanted to see cool action.
"Can't blame a fella for axing." Drum shrug and put out cigar he now had.
The walkie was know over than famouse war veteran, Chewie the Bacca. And he was not happy to seer him, he hate humanz.
"Whoa! According to wookiepedia, that is in fact, Kasheek wookie, Chewie!" Drum was reading plot synopsis to Episode III, which took place before this. As he do that, he see friend request from Lando Calrison and ignor eit. "Heh, I can take on pile of fur rug like you. I dont care ifg you gifted by yodel side in Clone Wars, I dont need pistol to put a dog down!"
Drum Solo lose miserable. Chewie beat the ever living poop of Drum Solo and make him bloody and batered and do a wookie cry right as he rip off Drom Solo arms, but righ tbeofre he do that, Drum Solo kept his arms because Lord Haroker appear and say "Hold uP!"
Lord Harkoner was evil fat baron and say, "That was hilarous! You will not kill the human. He will be my new Jester and your will help him in act of beating him up in front of my wife well I have sex with her."
"Of couse, why woukd I expect otherwise?" Drum smirk with deceitful glee. Truthfully, HE wanted to bang HIS wife, as long as she not fat gorddy mosnter.
Wookie nod with agreement or at least we think because no one could interpet Wookie and C3PO wasnt around to translate. "Here, you'll need to wear these for next shoe."
Baron handor them some cloths, clown sloth to be exct. THis made him luff, but it not joke so the lugh stopped right there. "Yer kidding, right? I CAN'T WEAR THIS! It's not MANLY!"
"Now Drum, that my be how YOU feel, but these are good clothes." Baron.
Dre and friend WOokie Chew agreed reluctantly and changed into goofy outfit. Baron say, "I have alter the deal, pray I do not alter it any further." which was empire reference but this happen first chronologically.
Drum do the thing and feel like total ass hole. Baron Lord Harkoner make him throw pies, get slapped with chicken by wookie, and shit himslef. Drum Solo HATED It. ANd he slowly plan his revenge. Which eh did.
One night, when Harkoker get ready to have the misses over, Drum Solo tell wookie friend to get ready. As Drum Solo put on faggot clown suit, he got into bathroom to shit so he have no shift left to shift himself.
When he see Rosio Hutt slither in, he asked "What the fucka re you gin here!?"
And she say, "Whaty rhe fucka re you DOING her!?"
"I am going to kill Lord Hroker," said Drum Solo, still putting on clown cap.
"But Baron Haroner is my husband," said Rosio Hutt.
"That can't be true," said Drium Solo, " that impossible," he was really, really, hoping to get back at Lord Harker, by having ass sex with his wife.
In a haste, Drum had to thin quick on his toes before Hawker find out what happen. "Welp, this embarrass, but I know what to do."
And to do, he did. It was like that part of the movie I was watching last night on TBS, but I forget to DVR so will have to look up the name later. It was funny.
One clean up on Aisle 3 later, Haknor had clemed himslef up from poop and lernt importat lesson, DON'T mess with Galaxy's number 2 smuggler (behind his daddy Han for time being). "Err, fine. You are relesed THIS time, Soloi! But just remember, you still need to fins task my waif asked you."
"Funny you say," Drum Solo say, "I was coming here looking for guy named Lad."
"I am Lad," say guard raising hand. He was sandman.
"What is mission?" Ask Drum Solo.
"Oh. It was to steal spice from Baron Harkoner so operation can all belong to Rosio Hutt," saided guy.
"What?" Say Harkoner, but he TOO slow to grab pistol and Drom Solo kick throat him like from beginning assass scene. Then Haroker on ground and Drum Solo have bowl of spice gummies and he said;
"You little bitch! How dare you make me do all that faggy retard shit! Now you die!" Drum Solo stuffed all the spcied gummies down hraoker throat until he began to tear and go red but this only did nothing because drum solo cram even more spice gummies down throat.
It was very awkward when Drum Solo call Rosio Hutt and say, "Hey, uhh, sorry but I accidentally kill your husband."
"Oh good!" She gawford.
"Wait, what?" Drum was confused. "But didn you not want dead in earlier scene this chapter?"
She explaned. "Well, I needed to make sure his space life insuranc policy was approvef first, now I can claim the 450,000 republic redits and take over his drug empire."
This was dumb and if it was won thing Drum was tired off, it was being swindled and looking like biggest idot on planet. "So you sent me on mission for NOTHING? I didnt even get sexy space floozie out of this, or cool weepons. I just met dumb furball over here!"
Drm Solo slam phone shut and pick up key to dungeon sell. He walker over to wookie friend and say, "How about you and me blow this pop stand?"
Wookie do wookie.
"Ha, that is good," drum solo say cooly. Drum Solo go to unlock lazer sell wookie was behind but he drop key and say, "OOOP! I dropped the key. Let me just," Drum Solo then kicked key over into vent where it fell into hole, "WHOOPS! Clumsy me!"
Wookie do wookie cry again.
"Smell you later," Drum Solo leave.
Drum Solo have exhausting day. He felt like idiot being pushed around and hope he could blow off some steam by geting to have sex with lots of women on his favorite strip bar station. He knew he woudl do that later (which he does)
Drum Solo first go to convenience station along way. He see guy like Woody Harlson, I think his name was Cooch, walk into store. Drum Solo felt anger! So much anger and need for revenge.
Drum Solo walk in. Cooch was at counter and said, "One Kit Fisto bar please."
"Make it a bag of spice gummies," said Drum Solo.
"Drum Solo?" Cooch say in fear. "I didn't know you were still alive after that LAST adventure."
"Yeah, fun times, eh Cooch?" Said Drum Solo begrugingly.
"Y-yknow I still have the thing," Cooch reach into pocket, "What I owe you? One hundred space credits? "
"I want the mother lrod," Drum Solo, "you rip me off and run off with prized treasure. I want to go big or go home and I'm all out of home!" This put Cooch in super fear.
Cooch take out cool pair of stateof the art orange space glasses, "Here they are. Just take them and let me go."
"I let you go," Drim Solo said, "in a body bag!" Drum Solo kick Cooch over "Warning Slipering Floor" sign and he fell down bottomless hole iint space anD AS this was happening Drum Solo put on his newly icon space speed glasses.
Walking outside Drum Solo seee sign of Chewie with sad face. Below Chiew it sign said MISSING! Drum Solo go out to gas pump to fuel hover bike and he see car pull up. Man step out and Drum Solo see it known other than Drum's Dad. Han Solo!
"Oh, hey son," said Han Solo.
"Oh...hey dad," Drum Solo said.
"It's uhh. Good seeing you here," Han shrug.
"Sure, yeah," Drum fuel space bike, "What you doing here?"
"I am on mission to stop first order, want to come?"
"No, that sounds gaya," Said Drum Solo cooly.
"Oh. Okay," Han Solo get into car and said, "Oh and Drum. Cool glasses."
And Drom Solo pull down glasses from PREVIOUS epistle prequel adnvutre and say "Thanks."
As Han pull away from gas station, he seed Slafe 2 ship parkt next to him. He knew witch bounty hunter it belongd too.
"Aw shit, now I gotta deal with this two!" He scremt with fist of rage.
Out of the ship came Mandolarion armour person, kinda like protagonist from The Mandalorian, but it was someone different. It was notiris bount hunter, Gogo Fett, someone they usually called in when someone like Boba Gette was too busy or expensive.
She approached him with quick speed which caught him off gard. "You Drum So?" She asked him, Drum Solo.
"Mayahps, what ovit?" He reply with epice.
"Says here you're wanted on 15 different planets, are the first son of wanted rebel Han Solo, AND you killered Spice Daddy Hankor of plant Kettle?"
"Heh, guess my cool reputation proceeds me." He luffed, she, did not.
"Well, guess you don't know your friends like you thinked you do." She took out space holocron that show picture of Chewiw. "Recognize this missing poster of this wookie? He ratted you out. 750,000 reupublic credits for your head on a platter."
He cold explain, "I can explain! I didn't want to have sex with gross slug lady. It ain't a gay thing, she just hiedoius like dude."
This made sense, but still, a job is a job and she was prepared to inish the job.
Fight began and Gogo Fett run up top gas roof thing and use electrical net to capture Drum Solo but Drum Solo jump out of way and shoot postil very fast but Gogo Feet hop to building roof and shoot bullet at Drum Solo and Drum Solo roll back like Dark Souls and shoot more at Gogo fett then han say "Quick get in!" And Drum jumped in and Han did burn out to get away from gas tanks as they did not want to lose their vehicles but then Gogo Fett full on top of car roof like monster from monster movie and bang on it so Drum Solo shoot bullets through roof and Han go, "Ah Son, at least pull up the son roof." But when they did, Gogo fett just gram Drum and throw him out and they have fist fight with punches and Gogo did better because they have armor hands and they stumble into shop where Cooch fell down hole and Drum Solo did SWEEEP kick and Gogo fett role over onto hole and go "You better not!" But you better believe Drom Solo stomp on their fingers and she fall down.
"Born to kickass!" Drom Solo said but then Gogo fett just use jet back to fly up and Drom say, "Then fly now!?" Gogo did not laugh but Gogo did use Gogo Gadgst missile luancer to blow Drum Solo into back room where co-worker was having coffee. Drom Solo take coffe and throw it on Gogo Feet and gogo feet get really electrical like glitch and Drum Solo said something cool but Gogo no hear because Drum Solo throw them into lazer palles and blew up? Was what Drum thoguth so he walk way.
"I am the WIN! I will destory any newbs who try to crossword me." He do five high fisbump to no one.
After a long afternoon, Dri decided that it was time forsexy time. He retired back to his favorite tosche station, where all sexd 18+ weemen were ate. "Hey laids, guess who just savored world?"
This made girls WOO with sext, like big boobs took notice of sexy Drumt. So they had worlds p Fifth largest galaxy women only orgy that week. Drum was so proyud that he evan facetime his Dad to show off in the middle of battle. But when he callerd him, he hang up abrupt like his body. "Wait, is my loser brother there?"
To be countued...IN DRUM SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY (Episode I)!