It's the morning of Liberty's thirtieth birthday and she's sitting in Eva's 'hotseat' she often joked about in her therapists office. It had been more than a decade since the most traumatizing thing that had ever happened to her and she hadn't properly dealt with her grief and she thought it was time to tell the truth for once. It scares her because the last time she got candid about her feelings she lost someone in a blink of an eye.
"What would you like to discuss today?"
"Well it's my birthday." Liberty wistfully admitted, it was fitting she went there today because she knew she hadn't a person to talk to on the matter and holding in these thoughts burdened her more than she could describe. A part of her wanted to hold back and talk about anything else but she had been avoiding this topic for years. Her friends that were there knew better except for maybe Toby. She's left many of her post high school friends completely in the dark on the event that shaped her life forever.
"Well then, happy birthday. What are your plans to celebrate? Seeing old friends perhaps?"
She darted her eyes downcast and uncomfortably shrugged her shoulder dismissively, "Something like that. Why celebrate the passage of time anyway? It's just another year."
The therapist replied, "Thinking rather negatively, why is that? It can be normal to feel as we get older to not want to celebrate."
"I don't know. I don't like birthdays. I never really did." She sighed wringing her hands in the middle of her lap before regaining eye contact with her therapist, "I don't know if I want to talk about it."
"Has anything happened on your birthday that maybe conjures up bad memories? It can be as simple as no one came to my Chuck E Cheese birthday when I was six to - "
"I know we've been seeing each other for a few months I just don't know how to explain it but I don't know if you need to know that even if it might help me. I'm afraid to discuss it at length because I never really have. Everyone who matters knows about it and I can't talk about it without wanting to cry endlessly. Mom always told me to cry in the shower, that's where you cry."
"Well we have a whole hour, and try me. Tell me about a birthday memory? Talk about whatever you'd like."
"In high school, I was a misfit. I excelled in school. I didn't have too many close friends. I never had a party until my seventeenth and even then it was just an excuse to have one for my friends. The girls I did have actually cared about frivolous things like boys and makeup. I was a year younger than my peers because I was a gifted student. I didn't relate to many of the girls my age. I technically wasn't allowed to date my parents pushed me to focus solely on my studies. There was one boy though." a small smile crept on her lips at the thought of him, "at first he thought I was a dork. I guess that's because I was always preoccupied with school work and student council and the clubs like yearbook. I wasn't like every kid. I had straight A's and would cry if I got a B and he had straight C's. I was enamored by how upbeat and funny and positive he was. I was closest with him in school I'd have to say. His name was JT and he was quite possibly the love of my life."
"You've never mentioned him before but he seems very important to you."
"He is and he was. Thirteen years was a long time ago to be fair but contrary I always honor him on my birthday because somehow for the five short years I knew him something regarding him always happened on or near my birthday like it was a message that I didn't receive until it was too late to do anything about it and even then it only leaves me feeling more lost than ever."
"Did he move away? I can't help but notice you speaking about him in the past."
"It's intentional, Eva. I wish it were that simple that he simply moved away or went to another university far away or in the states." Liberty sighed, "you asked me if I had birthday plans?"
"Yes I did."
"I'll be going to see him for the first time since my seventeenth birthday. I've been putting it off because maybe I didn't want to face him after all of these years."
"Did something go wrong, or have a disagreement? Sometimes those things don't matter when you see an old friend after a falling out."
"We never fell out is the thing it was complicated. It's a long story but I'm already halfway through the session and I can't stop talking about it now."
"We can stop whenever you'd like." Eva softly smiled calmly reassuring Liberty, "this is a safe space and nothing leaves the room."
"I wish I never told him how I felt, how I always felt. Maybe just maybe I wouldn't be visiting him under these circumstances and things would be different." Liberty tearfully recounts uncomfortably reiterating wiping tears from her eyes, "god it's my biggest regret."
Eva wordlessly reaches over and grabs the box of tissues from her desk and hands them to Liberty. She takes one out and wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath, "I told him I didn't want to lie anymore about my feelings he was dating another girl at the time, Mia. She was beautiful and I was sick of pining in the shadows while he took another girl out. I never got over him even though we had split up and for good reasons but he still had no idea. Sometimes he could be clueless or oblivious you had to be clear with him or he just wouldn't understand. I told him I still loved him and he just said, 'wow' like he was flattered and any hopes I had of us magically riding off into the sunset were completely dashed. I yelled at him because I felt stupidly rejected and hurt. She wasn't even around you know? She was out of town that night. I didn't want her there anyway. The worst part was he was playing house with her and her daughter like," she scoffed, "like we hadn't had a child that we had given away just the year before."
"You talked about your pregnancy and how difficult it was for you at fifteen. You talked about the night you dealt with that head on once. Why is this so different for you? I didn't probe about the father but I was curious if he was going to come up at any time during our sessions."
Liberty ignored the statement pausing before speaking, shaking her head, "I faked it a lot you know, that I was over it or whatever because I stuff things I bottle things up until I can't anymore and I just can't do it anymore. I never wanted to cry in front of anyone or grieve but he was taken from me and he was taken from Mia - ripped from our lives because on my birthday every year I got to deal with the fact that he's gone and he's never ever coming back. Our child out there not knowing that if he were to reach out will find out the truth, he was killed. No scratch that he was straight up murdered supposedly looking for me. I'm going to the cemetery to visit him. I'm scared because even though no one is there or whatever maybe his grandmother who was like his mother or Toby who was like his brother they visit often as they can but it'll be the first time for me."
"What are you going to say if you do see them?"
"I'll say hello and pay my respects, hugs and maybe if I get a moment alone just talk like old times. I'm sure he's wondering if he doesn't know what I'd been up to."
"Well it looks like that's all we have time to discuss today. I'm proud of you and your resilience for talking about that. Happy birthday, Liberty and I hope you find some time to treat yourself good and not be so hard on yourself. Live your life, visit your friend and live because tomorrow is never guaranteed. Take care until the next appointment."
"Thank you, Eva."