Sometimes, all he wants to do is sleep, and not wake up again.
That battle remains vivid in his mind. He remembers Dora jumping on him, then Voldemort calling the battle off, and then Kingsley coming to help him. He remembers refusing to let go of Dora, choosing to carry her himself, instead of handing him over to one of the others. He remembers lying down beside her, watching the stars in the great hall.
Harry, Ron and Hermione walk in at some point of time, but Remus pays no note.
Then Harry came in again, and he got up, still holding Dora's hand. Harry walked to the Weasley's first, watching Ron bend over his brother's still body. Remus' heart breaks over and over again. Then Harry turns around and looks at him. Him and Dora. And his eyes drop, and Remus swore he could see his lips wobble for a split second. Not that Harry would admit it of course.
Remus stands and walks over, finally letting go of Dora's hand, and approaches Harry.
"It's me." Harry blurts out, "If I don't go, Voldemort isn't going to lose. He'll win, whatever I try. I'm going. I need you to kill his snake, using the sword of gryffindor. Then Voldemort can be killed."
Before he could get a word in, Harry had run from the great hall.
The next thing he remembers clearly is McGonagall's cry of anguish from the courtyard. He rushes out, ignoring his protesting muscles, in time to hear Ron and Hermione cry out.
He doesn't cry out. It doesn't seem real. Instead, he takes a step back. And another. And so many more.
He apparated back home, and he rushed into the nursery, grabbing Teddy and holding him close, muttering nothing specific into the two week old's ear. He collapses onto the rocking chair a few minutes later, exhaustion finally catching up with him.
Andromeda rushed into the room, to find out the root of the commotion, and upon seeing Remus in so much agony, she left him alone.
Harry apparates with Hermione's help onto the doorstep a few hours later, and Remus is in shock. He rushed out, Teddy now in Andromeda's arms.
Remus hugs him, for the first time since he was four months old, and then shoves him. How could you do this! He shouts, angry at the person he would give his life for. Then he hugs him again. Harry is unresponsive, and Hermione is behind him, talking. He doesn't register anything.
Harry had been staying with him ever since, and he is grateful. Very grateful.
He fought with Andromeda a few hours after that, when he had finally calmed down.
So you left her? Andromeda had shouted. You just left her there, in the hall, like she wasn't worth anything anymore?
She stormed out a minute later.
He crumpled, leaning against the wall, his knees curled into his chest, and his head in his hands. Harry slides down beside him and rests his head on Remus' shoulder.
I'm sorry. He says. Remus wants to say it's not his fault, but he's too tired to say so. Instead, he leans his head further back wards. Harry understands.
The past month was blurry.
Harry stays with him, which is a blessing. He doesn't think he'll be able to take care of Teddy alone for a very long time, he can barely do it for ten minutes a day.
Andromeda left. He doesn't know where, but she said she had to get away for awhile. He doesn't blame her. He would leave too, just like last time, if it were not a fact that he had a two month old child to take care of.
He did his work for the order, rounding up stray death eaters, even killing a few out of pure rage, until Kingsley pulls him aside to tell him that killing others will not bring her back. He agrees, he is not stupid, but he has to admit that killing someone else gives him pleasure, because they were the indirect cause of her death.
He can't sleep at night, instead choosing to sit on the porch, his wand drawn at all times while he stares out into nothingness. Harry tries to coax him inside the first week, before giving up and letting him be.
The full moon after the battle is a pleasant distraction. He refuses to take the Wolfsbane, but Harry shoves it down his throat anyway. That doesn't stop him from hurting himself just a little. But Harry knows, he always knows.
Teddy is oblivious to everything. He babbles away, unaware of his father's self destructive moods. But Remus doesn't mind. Teddy may be a reminder of what he lost, but he is also a reminder of everything he still has to live for.
Minerva asks him if he wants to take up the DADA post for the next year. He says no. He can't. He can't go and walk the same hellas he used to walk with his best friends, all who are dead. He can't walk into the courtyard everyday and unintentionally have his eyes drawn to the exact place Dora jumped on him to block him from the killing curse. He can't remind himself so much.
The funeral was small. They had a bigger gathering for all the deceased, before the families took charge. Remus buried Fred first, and then walked with Harry next to him to the Tonks' graveyard, and buried Dora right next to her father.
Harry broke down about two weeks later. They had been drinking tea, and his cup had fallen to the floor, shattering. With a quick wave of his wand, the glass disappeared, and he strode over to the younger boy. Teddy was fast asleep in his room, which he was thankful for.
They- they told me to tell you to be happy. That they would be fine. He said.
Who? Remus asked.
Mum, Dad. And Sirius. And Tonks. Harry replied.
Remus had frozen in shock for a split second, before wrapping his arms around Harry, who leaned in.
They sat like that for quite some time.
School was to open the next day, only for the seventh and fifth year examinations. Neville was going back to write his NEWT's, while Muggleborn seventh years would repeat the year, because so many of them had been on the run.
The world seems to be going back to normal, yet he can't.
He wishes he were dead, and she were alive.
He wishes he could do life all over again.
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