Chapter 2
A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Enjoy the next chapter!
As Meredith sat across from Dr. Wyatt, she remembered the first time she'd started to book appointments. After Derek began seeing Rose. Back then, she couldn't sleep, couldn't focus. She hadn't been able to get him out of her head. It felt like decades had passed since that first meeting.
"How are you feeling today, Meredith?"
She mauled over the question, really thinking about it. She hated psychologists, hated the way they could get into your head. And yet…
"When are you going to stop suggesting I'm suicidal?" She remembers asking the question.
"When you start acting like someone that wants to be alive."
She wasn't sure how to answer the question. She was feeling too many things.
"I'm divorcing Derek," She answered instead, looking towards a spot on the wall.
"How did that happen?"
She thought about everything that had happened in the last week, no, the last 6 years. Meeting Derek, the sex, the break-ups, the arguments, losing George, Izzie leaving, the shooting, getting Zola, the plane crash, a week of complete torture, waiting to get rescued, trying to stay alive. She thought of Derek's hand, his ability to operate again. He said that she was like a breath of fresh air, but she always felt so stifled by his career. She loved him, his McDreamy smile. And yet she knew that smile belied so many things. And while she knew that he loved Zola…
"I just…"
The memory filters in slowly, in hazy snippets.
Catching the hint of red hair and a white coat walking past her door.
"Addison? Dr Montgomery-Shepherd?"
Addison walking into her room, her movements jerky, as if she wanted to be anywhere else, amusement in her tone as she said, "You bellowed, Dr Grey?"
"Hi."
"You certainly are, aren't you?"
Why couldn't she remember more?
"Are you okay?"
Addison sighed, reserved. She definitely wanted to be anywhere else, "Fine. How are you?"
The conversation was still so hazy.
"How come we've never talked like this before?"
Addison smiled, indulgent and secretive, "The only reason we're talking like this now is because I know you won't remember a single word of this when the drugs wear off."
"Meredith," She jumped as Dr. Wyatt placed a hand on her knee, pulling her from her thoughts, "Where were you?"
"Nowhere," She replied automatically, "Just a memory."
Seeming to accept the answer, Dr Wyatt went back to the present matter, "Why are you getting divorced?"
"Because Derek doesn't care about my career. He doesn't care about what I went through out there."
"After the plane crash?"
"Yes!" She stood up with a renewed fury that had been simmering for months, "He acts like his career is the only one that matters. He wants to move us to Boston because he may not be able to do surgery again and wants to teach instead. I wake up from nightmares every night and suffer in silence because he's not home. He just assumes everything is fine because I'm talking and have all my limbs, but I'm not! I'm the furthest thing from okay, and he doesn't care!" Tears blur her vision, but she blinks them away rapidly, "And I'm so worried about everyone else that I almost got hit by a car last night." She says it as an afterthought before quickly adding, "But I'm not suicidal, okay? I didn't intentionally step out in front of it. Addison isn't so sure, but..."
"Addison?"
"Dr. Montgomery," She clarified, "She pulled me away at the last second; she saved my life. She's staying on for a few months to take over Arizona's OB cases," She caught Dr. Wyatt's soft smile as she continued to write on the pad, her voice a quiet murmur. "What?"
"I just haven't heard you talk this much in a long time," The older woman looked at the clock, "Are you sure that divorcing Derek isn't a reaction to the trauma of the crash?"
She thought about the plane crash, screaming for Derek, trying to find him. She loved him, she did. She probably always would, but he'd changed. He wasn't who she'd met at the bar all those years ago. They're grown apart, fighting over work, fighting over household chores. It was like he had a problem with anything she did. She thought of his anger from the last couple of days. She knew part of it was frustration over his hand, but still…
She thought back to the stairwell, Addison's body keeping her gently against the wall, their kiss making her toes curl. When was the last time Derek's kiss had done that?
"I think," She began slowly, mauling over her words, "it was inevitable. We just don't work anymore."
"Well then," Dr Wyatt closed her notepad, "I would still like to see you once a week for a month. It'll be just to check in and see how you're doing, but all things considered, I'm clearing you for surgery, Meredith."
Relief flooded through her, "Thank you."
As she headed towards the door, Dr Wyatt's voice followed her out, "I didn't know you went to Yale."
She smiled softly, "I didn't."
From her prone position on the bed, Cristina heard her phone ring. She was tempted to just ignore it, and she would've, had Teddy not come into the room. She looked at her patiently as she answered the phone.
"Hello?" She listened for a few seconds before setting the phone beside her on speaker, "It's Meredith, Cristina."
She was relieved when Teddy sat beside her on the bed, the phone between them.
"I got cleared for surgery today."
Good, she wanted to say, I'm proud of you. But she couldn't speak past the screaming in her head. Arizona screaming, Mark moaning in pain, Derek trying to keep Jerry awake. The sound of wolves tearing him apart, long after he was dead, hoping they wouldn't come for them next. Meredith would check in with her, reassuring her that she was fine, but she heard her at night, crying for Lexie, Lexie who was safe in Seattle, crying because of nightmares that she'd joined them on the flight.
"I'm leaving Derek." She jerked from her thoughts at the revelation, staring at the phone. She never thought Derek deserved Meredith, not after all the shit he put her through, but she never thought Meredith would actually leave him, "And Addison is taking her position as Head of OB back while Arizona is off work."
Good. I'll be nice to have Satan back.
"That's good," Teddy said in her place, running her fingers through her hair gently. She was so glad Teddy was here, that she understood her and didn't try to push her to talk.
"Will you come in and talk to Dr. Wyatt?" Her person sounded almost pleading, "It'll help. I know we hate psychiatrists, but it'll really help."
Maybe.
"I'm sure she'll think about it," Teddy answered for her again.
She would as soon as she could make all the screaming stop.
"And there's something else," Meredith sounded almost hesitant. In all the years she's known her, hesitant wasn't something she associated with the blonde. Spit it out, Mere. Tell me.
She picks up a voice on Meredith's end of the phone, distant, "There you are."
Was that Satan herself?
"Hi," Meredith breathed out, and there was something different in her tone as she addressed Addison.
No way. No. Way.
"You're divorcing McDreamy for Satan." She queried, her voice coming out rough from disuse.
Teddy looked at her in shock, and she realized for the first time since this whole ordeal started, the screaming stopped.
Meredith chuckled, her voice wet with tears as she confirmed, "Yeah. I'm divorcing McDreamy for Satan."
She exchanged a look with Teddy, and Teddy smiled, nodding.
"I'm dating Teddy." It felt so good to get that off her chest. She hated keeping it the secret from Meredith. There were inklings after the shooting, moments where she thought they'd get together, but then there was Owen and Henry, and everything was too complicated. It took months after Henry's death before she felt comfortable enough to ask Teddy out. The guilt over being the one that failed to save Henry got to her; but now, three months in, she knew that her guilt just made her want to show Teddy that she would give her the world if she could. Honestly, she wasn't sure just how they'd managed three months without anyone finding out.
"I'm happy for you," Meredith said and then sighed, "I got a page, got to go."
"I'm happy for you too," She answered. Derek never deserved you, she wanted to add, but held herself back.
As the call ended, she turned to look at Teddy with a smile, "I'll call Dr Wyatt and make an appointment."
And when Teddy pulled her into a kiss, she knew those were the exact words Teddy was waiting to hear.
Arizona looked out into the hallway, not really seeing anything. Her leg hurt, and it wasn't even there. Her phantom leg hurt, the one that would've killed her; she knew that if it hadn't been cut off, the infection would've killed her. She knew Callie made the decision to save her life, and she was thankful for that. She was. But it would take some getting used to. She had to start by getting over her anger at Callie. Yes, she had made Callie promise not to take her leg, but she also knew Callie wouldn't have done it if it wasn't necessary. But it was hard to not look at the woman she loved and feel angry at her. And she hated that because she was in love with the Latina, had fallen hard and fast.
She blinked the world back into focus as Alex and Callie walked into the room.
"Five bucks," Alex was saying.
"Five bucks for what?" She questioned as Callie took a seat beside her.
"Mere and Montgomery," He clarified.
"I'm lost," And truly, she was. She'd seen Addison last night when she'd come by to check on them all, but what that had to do with Meredith, she wasn't sure.
Her wife rolled her eyes in annoyance, "Alex thinks there's something going on between Meredith and Addison."
Her eyebrows shot up, "Meredith is married to Derek."
"Addison's ex-husband." Alex added.
"So?" She questioned, "That doesn't prove anything."
"Besides, Meredith is straight." Callie added.
She almost laughed out loud, "Oh no, Sweetie. Meredith is definitely not straight."
"She screwed men on tequila like a rabbit," Callie countered.
"That doesn't mean she's straight," She replied patiently, waiting for the lightbulb to click.
"But what about Derek?"
Alex had a lecherous smile on his face, "Maybe he likes to…"
"Do not finish that sentence, Karev," She interrupted.
"Mere's not the type to cheat," Alex said instead.
That was true, at least.
"They were acting oddly close," Callie replied, "But I don't know, Karev."
He laughed, like he knew something they didn't, and then squeezed her hand gently, "While you two figure this out, I've got to check on a patient. Five bucks Mere and Montgomery are together."
She hummed in reply as she exchanged a look with Callie as Alex left. The moment she knew he was out of earshot, she spoke, "Well?"
"Maybe something happened between Derek and Meredith," Callie replied, "Meredith was wearing a Yale hoodie."
"Derek went to Yale too, right?"
"No, he went to Bowdoin."
"And it was Addison's?"
Callie nodded, "Mark was talking about it once. It was in his apartment, and he mentioned it was Addison's."
"Sharing clothes before the first date," She joked with a smile, "I think you owe Alex five bucks."
"I guess," Callie laughed and then her expression turned somber, "What about Derek?"
"That's none of our business. We have to support our friends."
"He's our friend too."
"Yeah," She agreed.
"And if Meredith is cheating on him, even if it's with Addison…"
She didn't condone cheating, not at all. Everyone thought Derek and Meredith were the perfect couple, but she knew different. She knew Callie was right, but she knew from experience that you had to follow your heart, and if that was what Meredith was doing, then Derek was out of luck. It was all screwed up.
Lexie was practically skipping to Mark's room. Practically, because she was a surgeon and surgeons didn't skip. She knew that Meredith didn't want her to say anything, but she wanted to tell Mark. He knew not to go telling secrets. She liked Derek, he was like a brother to her, but she knew that Meredith deserved better. She'd witnessed a few of their verbal spars, and he knew how to hit her when she was down. And it made her angry because she liked Derek. He was a brilliant teacher, a master at his craft. But he had no idea how his words affected others. She knew that was part of the reason his marriage to Addison fell apart, or so Mark told her one night. And it was weird hearing her boyfriend talking about his best friend's ex-wife, but Mark had loved Addison once, and she understood that.
As she neared Mark's room, she heard raised voices. Fearing the worst, she ran the rest of the way. Derek was standing near Mark's bed, and she could tell from Mark's expression that both men were angry.
"You ruined my first marriage," Derek was yelling, "Of course you would have a hand in ruining my second."
Mark's guilt-stricken eyes caught hers as she entered the room. She tilted her head, confused.
"I just told Addison that…"
"That she should steal my wife!"
"It was a joke," Mark said back, "Addie and I were joking around."
"That's enough," She took a step into the room, "Mark needs to rest, Derek."
Angry blue eyes glared at her, but he didn't say anything as he stormed from the room. She looked at Mark, settling in the chair beside him.
"I told Addie to get herself a Grey too, so that we could compare notes," Mark explained, his voice low and hurt. She ran her fingers through Mark's hair gently, "I didn't think...Derek said Meredith threw her rings at him and told him she wanted a divorce."
"Yeah," She replied softly, "But that's not your fault. Meredith made the decision, not you. And I don't think they're having an affair, no matter what Derek believes."
Mark sighed, relaxing into her touch, "He's not happy, Lexie. He's blaming the world."
Of course, he was blaming the world, she thought. Anything was better than blaming himself.
The rest of the day passed without any incident, and Meredith was relieved. While she'd been cleared for surgery, she spent most the day watching in the gallery rather than performing any. The decision had been hers, and though she had offers to scrub in by both Bailey and Webber, she found herself declining them.
Sometime after lunch, she'd found herself up on the maternity floor, looking at the new babies. Would Zola grow up hating her for leaving Derek? She knew Derek would. The rumor mill had already been buzzing with his conversation with Mark today.
"Did you hear? Grey's leaving McDreamy."
Another nurse whispered, "No!"
"Yes! Cheated on him!"
"I heard she's been cheating for months."
A third nurse chimed in, "He deserves better than her."
She tried to not let it get to her, she tried. She bit her tongue to keep from saying anything and forced herself to walk away. There were other battles to fight. Which was how she found herself on the maternity floor to begin with. It calmed her, the peacefulness on the floor.
"The rumor mill has been buzzing today," Addison's voice came from behind her.
She turned as the redhead walked up to her. The Attending scrubs looked so good on her. She smiled, "I take it you've heard I'm a cheating whore."
Addison chuckled, wrapping her arms around her gently, "Something like that. Did you want to scrub in on a couple C-sections with me today? I could use an extra set of hands."
"That's okay," She wanted to, she did, but not yet, "I'll be in the gallery though."
She was rewarded with Addison's smile, "Okay."
She was content to stay like this, in Addison's arms, staring at the newborns. It was so relaxing. So perfect. And of course, the moment of peace was interrupted by Addison's pager going off. With a soft sigh, she looked at it.
"Damn it," Addison pressed a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth, "Have to go. OR 3."
And then she was gone, rushing quickly down the hallway. She took one last look at the babies and then rushed to follow her. She may not be operating, but she wanted to watch Addison. And if that was how she would spend her day, then that was fine with her.
Both surgeries were successful, and that always put Addison in a good mood. Meredith met her outside of OR 4, where the second surgery took place.
"Hey," Meredith's smile was warm, and she felt her heart skip a beat.
"Hey," She replied, "Enjoy the show?"
"It was very informative, Dr. Montgomery."
"I'm glad, Dr. Grey," She replied with her own smile. She took off her scrub cap, beckoning Meredith to walk with her. "When is your shift over?"
"8:30. You?"
She checked her watch, seeing it was nearing 8, "I'm out about now. Well, I have post-ops to write up, but I'm sure I can get an intern to do it for me."
"I'm sure," Meredith replied dryly.
"I'll meet you in the lobby a little after 8:30 then? We can grab a drink and get take-out again if you'd like?" Meredith looked a bit nervous, so she backtracked quickly, "Or, I can drop you at home if you'd like." She wasn't quite sure where her home was, whether it would've been to her house with Derek or her childhood home. As they entered the Attendings lounge, she was relieved to see it empty. She wasn't sure how much she trusted Derek right now, not with his sudden anger issues. She offered Meredith a soft smile as she leaned in and placed her hands on her shoulders, pressing a gentle kiss against her lips, "Whatever you want to do is fine with me. 8:30, alright? Whatever makes you comfortable."
Meredith sighed into the kiss, and she counted that as a win. And maybe she should've felt guilty, as Meredith was legally still married, but that's all there was left. Words on paper. It was reminiscent of her marriage to Derek, over long before the divorce was finalized. Meredith leaned into the kiss, confirming their plans.
"At least wait until the ink is dry before you start screwing all over the hospital," Derek's voice came from the doorway, startling them both.
To say Derek was pissed was an understatement. He'd hoped that Meredith was just angry, that she'd spoken her words out of spite just to see his reaction. The rings in his pocket burned with his anger. Why would she just throw everything they'd built away? They had a plan; they were going to Boston; he was going to teach; she was going to be an Attending at MassGen; they were going to grow their family. They were going to have a good life.
To walk into the Attendings lounge and see Meredith in Addison's arms, to see Addison kissing his wife, made him livid. Was she really going to throw their future away for Addison?
"At least wait until the ink is dry before you start screwing all over the hospital," he said, and was pleased to see them step away from each other, "What am I saying? Once a cheating whore, always one, right Addie?"
"That's enough, Derek," And if he was shocked by Meredith's bravado, he refused to let it show, "I'm the one leaving you. You don't get to take it out on Addison."
"She'll cheat on you," he replied, "Once she's bored with you, like she did to me. She'll cheat and you'll come running back to me with your tail between your legs, begging for forgiveness."
"No, she won't," And Meredith's assurance of that fact made him angrier.
"I'm giving you one last chance, Meredith," He said evenly, "I picked you. I chose you. After everything we've been through, I want you to love me." Pick me. Choose me. Love me. He saw the flash of hurt on her face and offered her a McDreamy smile, "We made a commitment to each other. We can make this work."
"No," Meredith said softly and then with more conviction, "No, we can't. I have a lawyer drawing up papers. I'll be over tomorrow to get my things," She took a breath, "I'm going for full custody of Zola. I don't care where you go, Derek, but you're not taking my daughter."
He shot a nasty look at Addison and took a step forward, "This is your fault." He'd never wanted to hit someone so bad before; the anger he'd felt walking in on Mark and Addison in bed together didn't faze him this much; the anger at Mark talking to Meredith paled in comparison; even when Meredith screwed with his Alzheimer's trial didn't make him as angry. He wasn't going to lose Meredith to Addison, absolutely not. Meredith stepped in front of him as he took another step, "You really are Satan. God forbid anyone gets to be happy when you're around."
"Derek," Addison started, but he was far from being done.
"How couldn't I have seen this coming? You cheated on me with Mark, so how was I not expecting you to make Meredith into an adulterous whore too? That's just where you get your kicks, isn't it? I'm Addison Montgomery, I'm so fucking rich, I love to fuck with my ex-husband's life. I wonder if I can get his wife to drop her panties for me. Hm, that sounds like a great idea."
He took pleasure in watching Meredith start to tear up, "Derek, we…"
"Shut up," he took another step forward, practically towering over the blonde now, "Tell me, was she as good as she used to be? Did you scream her name all night long? Did you even think about me at all?" He reached out and cupped her cheek as a lone tear rolled down her face, "You ruined our family, Meredith."
"Dr Shepherd, that's enough," He wasn't aware that Owen had entered the room, accompanied by Dr. Webber.
"You two deserve each other," He shot the women one last look before pushing past Owen roughly.
The 911 page to the Attendings lounge had Owen bolting from his office. There had been talk all day about Derek being a loose cannon; rumors swirling that Meredith was having an affair. Apparently, Meredith had told him that she wanted a divorce, and he'd not taken it well. He knew that the man was off at 8 and was hoping the rest of the day would go without an incident. How wrong he'd been.
So, when Webber paged him to the Attendings lounge, 911, he wasn't sure what he'd expect. Derek Shepherd in the middle of a verbal assault wasn't the first thing that came to mind, but he was glad it wasn't worse. Derek was livid, standing in the middle of the room without a care in the world as he verbally assaulted the two Attendings.
"That's just where you get your kicks, isn't it? I'm Addison Montgomery, I'm so fucking rich, I love to fuck with my ex-husband's life. I wonder if I can get his wife to drop her panties for me. Hm, that sounds like a great idea."
"Derek, we," Meredith attempted to speak, and he could detect the pain in her voice.
"Shut up," He reflectively took a step closer as Derek did. He was ready to stop him if he got any closer; he'd never seen this side of Derek before. The stress was probably a factor, the knowledge that he may never get full use of his hand again. None of that excused his behavior, of course, and he was ready to beat the man senseless if he dared to put a hand on Meredith or Addison. "Tell me, was she as good as she used to be? Did you scream her name all night long? Did you even think about me at all?" He saw the way Addison started to step forward as Derek reached forward, a reaction to Meredith's involuntary flinch as he cupped her cheek, "You ruined our family, Meredith."
That was more than enough; enough evidence to suspend him, to step in.
"Dr. Shepherd, that's enough."
"You two deserve each other," Derek told the two women before he brushed past him, colliding with his shoulder roughly as he stormed from the room. He looked between the two women, wanting to go to them, but…
"Go," Webber said, "I've got this here."
With a smile in thanks, he rushed from the room, calling after the man angrily, "Shepherd, we're not done!"
Luckily, Derek hadn't made it to the elevator yet. He stopped, turning to face him, his face clouded in hurt and betrayal.
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Like hell there isn't."
"My wife is having an affair with my ex-wife," Derek replied, "I think that sums it up pretty well."
"You verbally assaulted two coworkers on hospital grounds."
"Oh, please, it was a spat. I was angry."
"And angry at Mark today, as well as Karev, from what I've heard." Derek had nothing to rebuttal that, so he continued, "You may be Head of Neuro, Derek, but you're not the only neurosurgeon who works here."
"Excuse me?"
"Maybe you should take some time off, cool down, let your hand heal."
"Are you suspending me?" Derek laughed mirthlessly, "Unbelievable. You're a real piece of work, Owen."
"That's enough," His time in the military taught him discipline, and he knew not to react to the jab, "Take a week, rest your hand, cool your head; meet with Dr. Wyatt if you think that will help." Derek glared at him and began to walk away. He sighed and headed the other way, to check in with Meredith and Addison.
Richard Webber knew what it was like to have an affair. He and Ellis had cheated on their spouses to be together; he knew what it was like to love someone you shouldn't, and in another life, he would've had the strength to leave Adele and be with Ellis. He knew he would live with that regret every day, even though he loved Adele just as deeply. And he knew the signs of a secret affair, knew them like the back of his hand. Despite what Derek had claimed, Addison and Meredith weren't having an affair. Whatever it was, it was still new, still fragile.
Addison embraced Meredith from behind, and Meredith dug her fingers into the redhead's arms, keeping her close as she rested back against her, trying her best not to break down.
"I wish that we could explain it all away by saying it's stress," he said as he pulled up a seat beside them, "but there's no excuse for the way he spoke to either of you. Are you alright?"
Meredith looked at him, trying to be strong, but the tears in her eyes gave away her pain, "Addison and I aren't sleeping together."
"I know," he replied.
Addison's eyes held a troubled look, "I don't know what's happened to Derek, but he's not the same." He had the same thought.
"No, he's not," Owen announced as he stepped into the room, "He's been suspended for a week. Are you two okay?"
"Not really," Meredith replied.
"Go home, get some rest."
Meredith chuckled softly, "Home, yeah."
"Hotel it is," Addison replied.
Addison hesitantly reached for Meredith's hand, and Meredith immediately took it. It was the hesitation that gave it away. Definitely new. The two women gathered their clothes before making their way to the doorway.
"Have a good night," he said, and Owen echoed the sentiment. As they disappeared, he turned to Owen, "Still like being Chief?"
Owen smiled grimly, "Not one bit."
"Don't you have a flight?" Meredith asked her as they walked to the elevator.
"No, I canceled it, made some calls. Naomi is going to feed Milo for a few days. On my day off, I'll book a fight down to go and get him and pack up my car."
"Milo?"
"My cat."
"Your cat?" Meredith repeated dumbly.
She smirked, "I have a way with pussies, didn't you know, Grey?"
Her words had the desired effect, Meredith's slow smile giving way to laughter. It was music to her ears. There were so many reasons why they shouldn't be together, but she would happily work through them all if it meant she could keep Meredith forever. She thought of Alex, of Sam and Pete, of Kevin and Jake. They were flings, passionate and insightful. She thought of Mark and Derek. She'd been in love with both of them at different points in her life. She thought of Naomi and Charlotte, the inklings of desire that she pushed away for the sake of friendships. When she looked at Meredith, all of the love she'd felt for anyone else paled in comparison.
"What are you thinking about?" Meredith asked as the elevator opened.
Instead of answering, she pulled her into a kiss, guiding her into the empty compartment. Meredith kissed her back as the elevator's doors started to close. It was wrong, so wrong, but Meredith was an addiction she couldn't keep away from. As the elevator started to slow, she pulled back and was pleased to see the dazed look in Meredith's gaze.
"I was thinking about that," She replied. As the elevator's doors opened, she held out her hand for Meredith, "Let's go home?"
And it didn't matter that home was a hotel room; it didn't matter that the divorce still had to be finalized. Hell, it didn't even matter that Derek was angry at them. All that mattered was that Meredith smiled and took her hand.
"Yeah, let's go home."
A/N: I'm still not sure if I like the way I'm writing Derek, but it's fanfic, so I'm taking creative liberties. Please review!