Can't Lose You Chap 3
A/N: These chapters are going to stay long, unfortunately. I wish I could find a way to break them up. Let me know if you like them long, or if you'd like them shorter. Now onto the chapter!
By the time they'd gotten back to the hotel after dinner, Meredith was exhausted; the quick stop to the store for a new car seat certainly didn't help anything. Today had been emotionally draining, and she couldn't stop herself from replaying Derek's words over and over. You ruined our family, Meredith. She wasn't any better than her mother, who'd cheated on her dad with Webber, who'd fled Seattle when he wouldn't leave his wife. The carousel never stops turning, Meredith.
As she lay on the bed waiting for Addison, she couldn't stop the depreciative thoughts from filtering through her mind. She hadn't meant for any of this to happen, not this way. The whole Alzheimer's trial disaster had helped her see parts of Derek she had been blind too, and she'd been thinking about leaving him after the dust settled. But she didn't, thinking it was just a fluke. After all, he still loved her, even when he couldn't look at her. Right? But then the plane crash had happened, and those thoughts of leaving him got pushed to the side. Every atom of her being was focused on staying alive because Zola needed her to, because Lexie needed her to. She wouldn't die out in the woods, absolutely not. And she was tired and hungry and dehydrated. And when they were finally rescued, finally, after the week of torture, of hearing her friends in pain and Jerry's body being torn apart, she could only think about her recovery.
And then there was the car and Addison, Addison who she hadn't seen all day, Addison who had seen Arizona and Mark and Derek and gotten an update about Cristina, who hadn't asked about her. Addison who didn't even think as she wrapped her arms around her as she pulled her back from the speeding car. Addison, who held her that night as she cried.
The moment their eyes met for the first time, she felt some kind of spark, a warm tingle deep within her, but then the bombshell that Derek was married to her and you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband. Addison should've hated her, and she wouldn't have faulted her for that. And yet, she was pulling her out of the path of a speeding car.
And then there was the kiss; she'd felt the pull before, how could she not? Addison was gorgeous, stunning. And while she didn't label her sexuality, she was sure Addison was straight. And then Addison had kissed her, Addison who, as far as she knew, slept with men. Addison, who shouldn't have been kissing her in the stairwell, who's hoodie she shouldn't have worn. Addison, who she shouldn't have kissed back. Addison, whose very presence set her on fire.
She was married to Derek, maybe not as happily as before, but they had taken vows. You ruined our family, Meredith. Vows that she'd thrown down the drain, she knew. She didn't regret it, there was no reason to now. She hated that she hurt him, yes. He didn't deserve the pain he was in, and she was sorry she'd caused it. She should've signed the divorce papers first, at least. But she hadn't.
Addison came out of the bathroom, her face free of make-up and her hair cascading around her shoulders. She was absolutely beautiful, and the thought made her feel guilty. Even if it had been a handful of kisses, she really was a cheating whore. You ruined our family, Meredith.
Addison smiled at her sadly as she laid beside her on the bed, opening her arms for her. She sighed softly as she curled into Addison, holding onto the front of her shirt. For reasons she didn't want to acknowledge, the action calmed her.
"This is all my fault," Addison said softly, "I shouldn't have kissed you."
"I kissed back, so the blame is pretty equal," she answered, "but I'm happy you kissed me."
"Oh?" Addison pushed the hair from her face.
"I'd been wanting to leave him for a while," she confessed, "This just sped up the process. But I didn't want to hurt him like this."
"I know."
"He deserves better," she continued.
"He'll find it," Addison assured her, and then she kissed her softly, and she couldn't stop the whimper as she kissed back.
All thoughts of Derek faded from her mind and were replaced by Addison. Addison's mouth against hers, her body so warm against her. Addison's scent washing over her, calming her considerably. And yes, it was wrong, but her marriage to Derek was a piece of paper at this point. Fleetingly, she had the thought to stop. Addison seemed to have the same thought because she pulled back so they could catch their breath.
"We should wait," She said, "until the divorce is finalized." And really, that was almost hilarious, because she and Derek hadn't waited; granted, she hadn't known he was married. And then the hospital prom happened and…
"Do you want to?" Addison's voice was soft.
"Yeah," she replied, but still leaned forward and kissed her again, "Can you just hold me?"
Addison smiled, "Yeah, Mere, I think I'm more than capable of that."
And as she settled further into Addison's arms, as Addison held her close, she felt her breath catch. With Derek, there was always the expectation of more; more kisses, more sex, more talking. It had been literal decades since someone had held her without expecting something in return. As she slowly fell asleep, she listened to Addison's heartbeat and felt at home.
Yes, she thought to herself as she faded into blissful unconsciousness, I'm home.
Sometimes, it was hard being the other Dr. Shepherd. Amelia had always been proud to be Derek's sister. It was one of the reasons that she'd moved out to Seattle. Sure, she missed L.A. some, but she knew that Seattle was where she needed to be. After the plane crash, she'd been watching Zola. Her niece was the only reason she hadn't turned to drugs during the whole ordeal. She'd talked to Derek a few times on the phone, and he'd sounded agitated and broken and angry. She reached Meredith through text, but her sister-in-law never said anything about Derek. She knew that Derek could lose his ability to perform surgeries, and she was afraid for him. She followed him into Neuro, not only because she idolized him but because she found the human brain fascinating.
Today, Meredith and Derek were taking Zola to daycare, and she was relieved. Not that she didn't love her niece, but would be happy to have her house back. She'd just gotten Zola fed and dressed when there was a knock at the door.
"Who's that Zo Zo?" She questioned as she carried her on her hip to the front door, "Is it Mommy and Daddy, hm?"
As she opened the door, she was expecting Meredith and Derek. What she hadn't been expecting was Meredith and Addison and no Derek in sight.
"Where's Derek?" She questioned, looking between the two women before settling her gaze on Addison, "And why aren't you in L.A.?"
After everything that had happened in the last few years, Addison wasn't sure what to expect from Amelia. She wasn't quite sure where the youngest Shepherd had gone when she'd left L.A. Maybe she should've expected her to come to Seattle like she had after James proposed, but she'd said she'd go to see Derek before and had changed her mind.
"Hi, Zo Zo," Meredith cooed softly to the one-year old in Amelia's arms, holding out hers, oblivious to the tension between her and Amelia. Zola smiled and reached out her little hands for Meredith, who immediately took the baby into her arms, holding her close, "Did you have fun with Aunt Amelia? Did you?"
Zola gurgled in her arms, babbling to her, "Ma, Ma, Ma."
Meredith just smiled before looking at Amelia, "Are we just going to stand here?"
Amelia didn't stop looking at her as she answered Meredith, "No, go right in."
As Meredith passed through the door, she looked back at her quizzically.
"It's fine, Mere," She nodded towards the open door, "We'll be inside in just a minute."
Amelia turned to fully face her as soon as Meredith and Zola were inside, "What the hell is going on? Why are you here, Addie? And since when do you call Meredith Mere?"
"I'm covering for Dr. Robbins at the hospital until she recovers," She answered, "And Meredith and I are friends."
"What about L.A., the practice?"
"I've already called them; they'll be fine without me for a couple months. On my next day off, I'm flying down to get Milo, my clothes and car. I'm not sure how long I'll be up here, but..."
She caught sight of Meredith coming back towards them, balancing Zola in one arm and the diaper bag and her purse in the other. She stopped mid-sentence, moving forward to help her.
"Take Zola," Meredith said softly, shifting her weight slightly. At her indecisive look, she smiled, "It's okay. She likes you already."
She carefully took Zola into her arms, looking at her nervously, "Hi, Zola. I'm Addison."
She was rewarded with a smile and babbling from the baby, "Ah, Ah, Ah."
She chuckled softly, instantly feeling more relieved, "Close enough."
Amelia observed the exchange between the two from the doorway and felt something click. Meredith's eyes were lit up, her smile wide as she watched the exchange between Addison and Zola. Oh my God. Addison's eyes shone with love and adoration as she looked up from Zola to see Meredith watching them. Oh my God.
"Where's Derek, Meredith?"
The smile Meredith wore dropped, "Home, I think."
"You think? You don't know where your husband is?"
Meredith addressed Addison, "Can you go buckle Zola in? I'll be right out."
"Are you sure?"
"I'll be okay," Meredith answered, and Addison nodded.
Meredith turned to her then, squaring her shoulders as she took a breath, "Derek and I are getting divorced."
She stood there, shell-shocked, her voice a near whisper, "You and Derek are what?"
Meredith sighed, "He's changed, Amelia. He's not the same person anymore. And I don't know when it happened, but I've been wanting to end things between us for a while. And now I am. The papers should be ready in a couple days."
"Are you sure? Are you sure you just…"
"I'm in love with her, Amy. I'm in love with her and I feel like I'm losing her," Derek's words from last night's phone call filtered into her thoughts, his voice distraught as he cried, "This is like her drowning in the bay all over again. She's pulling away, and I don't know what to do."
"I love him, Amelia, I do," Meredith replied, "but I'm not in love with him, and I haven't been for a while now."
Something about Meredith's tone made her angry, the near-dismissiveness in her voice and her lack of Derek's feelings, "You're the love of his life, and you're going to throw it all away?!"
"You're the love of his life, and you're going to throw it all away?!" Amelia's voice cut into her skin, and she forced herself not to flinch.
Did you even think about me at all?
You ruined our family, Meredith.
Adulterous whore.
I am your husband!
You two deserve each other.
"He's not who I thought he was," She repeated.
"He's stressed," Amelia responded quickly, "He could lose the ability to hold a scalpel, and you're complaining that he's changed?"
"Stop trying to defend him, Amelia," She replied sharply, "What's done is done."
She turned to leave when Amelia spoke again, "It's because of her, isn't it?"
"What?"
"Addison. I saw the way you two looked at each other. Are you really leaving my brother for his ex-wife? After he chose you over her? After the shooting? After everything?" Amelia sounded close to tears, and she frowned as she looked back at her, "Answer me!"
"Amelia…"
"It's a simple answer," And if Amelia realized she'd started to cry, she refused to acknowledge it.
"It's not." It wasn't. There was so much baggage, so much she had to come to terms with, so much she had to do. She couldn't put a label on what they had. A few kisses didn't mean anything.
You ruined our family, Meredith.
"Yes or no!"
I don't hate you.
"Yes! Yes, okay?!" She shouted, feeling something within her break, her emotional dam springing open, "Addison doesn't push me into talking! She waits. And she holds me after a nightmare, and she doesn't expect anything in return! She makes me feel safe! And in surgery, I don't feel talked down to. I know that I can express myself around her and have my own opinion! So, yes, Amelia! Yes! I'm leaving him for Addison. And I don't care what you think!"
To her complete surprise, Amelia smiled and hugged her. Even though she was confused, she welcomed the hug.
"You're still my sister, even after the divorce," Amelia said as they pulled apart.
"You're not angry?" Wasn't she just angry? She hadn't imagined that, right?
"Maybe a little, but you deserve to be happy, Meredith. Even if it's not with Derek."
The sound of the car horn going off startled them both. With a quick glance at her phone, Meredith cursed, "I'm going to be late for work. I'll call later, okay?"
Amelia showed her to the door, "Go, love you."
"Love you too," She replied with a grin, and then she was racing to the car, where Addison and Zola were waiting.
The ride to the hospital was filled with near silence, broken only when Zola babbled happily in the backseat. Addison didn't say anything when Meredith hopped in the car, and Meredith didn't offer an explanation as to why she was near tears.
"Ma, Ma, Ma. Ah, Ah, Ah." Zola said happily, oblivious to whatever was going on between the two silent women, which made the women smile.
It was only when they were nearing Seattle Grace Mercy West that Meredith finally broke her silence.
"I told her that Derek and I are over."
"What did she say?"
What didn't she say? "She asked if I was serious because I'm the love of his life," she took a breath, "And then she asked if I was leaving him for you."
Addison pulled the car into a parking spot and put it in park before she turned to look at her, "And what did you say?"
She smiled, "I told her yes. And that I didn't care what she thought," Addison's beaming smile was further reassurance and that was all she needed, "Let's get Zola to daycare and get our day started, what do you say, Dr. Montgomery?"
Addison laughed and unbuckled to press a soft kiss to her lips, "Great idea, Dr. Grey. It wouldn't look good to be late on my first official day."
After dropping Zola off at daycare, she and Meredith went through the annoying task of filling out forms to allow her to check Zola in and out of daycare. It was for legal reasons and to keep the children safe, that way no one could just take them. But there was so much paperwork.
Finally done, Meredith's final request was that someone notify her if Derek was trying to take Zola out. She didn't trust him, not with his erratic behavior, and she honestly couldn't blame her.
"I don't think he'd ever hurt Zola," Meredith explained as they headed towards the Attendings lounge, "But he could take her and I could never see her again."
"I understand," She replied. She pulled Meredith into a stairwell that they were passing, much to the blonde's amusement and confusion.
"We have…" Meredith started but she placed a finger against her lips.
"Thank you for trusting me with Zola." She felt safe to say it in the stairwell, away from prying eyes and ears.
"Are stairwells our thing now?" Meredith joked, "And you're welcome. And really, I don't want to be late."
She agreed completely. She loved punctuality. And yet, here she was with Meredith, in the stairwell, their stairwell. And all she wanted to do was kiss her again.
"Me either," She replied, "I'm going to kiss you now, alright?"
She would never get tired of seeing the way Meredith's face would turn red, her lips parting just slightly in anticipation as she nodded, "Please."
She wasn't sure what about the word coming from Meredith's mouth set her off, but she couldn't deny her anything. She wanted to give her the world. Meredith kissed back hungrily, and she felt content to keep her right here, pinned against the wall as she ravaged her mouth. And God help her, she wanted so much more. She was desperate for more, lust clouding her head as they parted for air and dove right back into each other. Meredith's hands cascaded through her hair, trying to find a place to latch onto.
She heard her alarm sound on her phone, the tone she'd set last night about the meeting Owen had planned, and reluctantly pulled away. Meredith groaned at the loss, and she felt her legs buckle as the shorter woman started pressing open mouth kisses along her neck.
"Gonna be late," She managed once she saw the time, "As good as that feels, I need you to stop. Because if you don't, I'm going to drag you to an on-call room."
Meredith pulled away with a satisfied smile, and she had to force herself not to go back on her word and drag her to an on-call room regardless. She sighed softly and fixed her appearance as quickly as she could, watching as Meredith smiled and did the same. The blonde would be the death of her yet.
"Come on," Meredith held the door open for them, "don't want to be late."
"While Dr. Sloan is recovering, Dr. Avery is taking over as interim-Department Head of Plastics," Owen is saying as she and Addison make their way into the Attending lounge. "And while Dr. Robbins is recovering, Dr. Montgomery is taking over as interim-Head of Pediatrics, as well as returning to her role as Head of Neonatal and OB."
"I thought I was taking over for Robbins," Alex said from a corner of the room, sounding annoyed.
"Change of plans, Karev," Owen replied, "Drs. Altman and Torres will be returning tomorrow, so if you have any residents interested in Cardio or Ortho, let them know. And as you all know by now, due to Dr. Shepherd taking a leave of absence," she shifted uncomfortably, feeling like everyone was staring at her, even though she knew no one was, "I'll be looking for an interim Head of Neuro until he returns." She saw Lexie's stand up a bit straighter and smiled softly. Lexie would be the perfect candidate. She was extremely good in Neuro. Owen looked down at his pager, "If anyone has questions, see me later today. I have a consult I need to get to."
And then he was gone, and this time she really did feel someone staring at her. She turned and saw Alex glaring daggers at her.
To say Alex was pissed would be an understatement. He'd worked so hard in his Peds fellowship, worked so hard for the African Project, and he was so sure Arizona would allow him to take her place as Head of Peds. But then suddenly Addison fucking Montgomery was back and she was taking it over? How the hell was he supposed to do anything with Satan breathing down his neck?
"Hey, Mere, could you tell your girlfriend not to ruin my Africa Project?" He called from across the room.
And sure, he could've walked across the room to talk to them both, but he wasn't in the best mood. While most of the Attendings had followed Owen out to check on their patients, Webber, Jackson and April hadn't yet.
"Come on, man, that's not funny," Jackson said as April looked between him and the two women.
"They don't call her Satan because she's nice," He replied and then to the two he asked, "So what made you two late? Screwing in a supply closet?"
"Karev," Webber said sharply, but he ignored the man.
"Meredith is married to Derek," April's voice held pure confusion as she tried to figure out what was going on.
"Yeah well, according to Derek, Meredith is a cheating whore, and Addison is no better for corrupting her," He looked between them again, "At least that's what Derek said last night at Joe's." He watched Addison roll her eyes, watched Meredith shift uncomfortably, "You two can have all the fun you want in on-call rooms, but you'd better not mess with my Africa project, Montgomery."
"Oh please," Addison bit back, "There's a budget for a reason, Karev. If it was in the budget before, there's no reason for it to be cut now."
"Yeah well!" He stopped, realizing just what she'd said, "You're not going to cut it?"
"Arizona and I were talking about the project a couple days ago. It's good PR for the hospital and saves kids, Karev. I may be Satan, but I'm not going to cut something that helps children."
"Oh," Now he felt like an ass.
Meredith looked up at him then, and he could feel her icy glare, "Oh? Is that all you have to say is oh? I can understand Derek being angry at us. I can understand him getting drunk at Joe's and telling you all about how I'm an adulterous whore and how Addie has corrupted me and oh woe is Derek! But for you to repeat what he said in front of our colleagues, Alex? This isn't high school! This isn't some senior prank!"
"Mere," he tried to interject but she kept going.
"You don't have a right to judge me or Addison or any other person in this damn hospital for our faults! And to accuse Addison of wanting to cut your program just because you're pissed that you aren't Head of Peds? That just shows your complete lack of respect for anyone other than yourself!"
"I'm sorry, alright!"
"No, it's not alright! This is my fucking life, Alex! My life! And you don't get to judge me for what I do in it!" And then she was storming from the room in a huff.
"Meredith!" Addison bolted after her, and April quickly followed.
"Nice going Karev," Webber's voice was loud in the silence that followed.
"I didn't realize she'd go all Medusa on me," he answered softly.
Jackson patted his shoulder in sympathy, "I hate to be you when Arizona hears you caused a scene."
He nudged his hand away, "Shut up."
Mark wasn't quite sure what had woke him. He'd fallen back asleep after Lexie had stopped in to tell him that Jackson was going to cover Plastics until he was able to be back. Hunt couldn't have picked a better choice as interim-Head of Plastics. He'd taught Jackson everything he knew.
"And he needs an interim-Head for Neuro and I thought that I'd put in my name," Lexie had said, and he'd smiled.
"You'd be a good fit," He'd replied. And he'd meant it.
Now though, he knew it wasn't Lexie in the room. She had to check on a few Neuro patients and had promised to be back for lunch. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and turned his head to see Meredith sitting in the chair by his bed, her eyes red and wet.
"How's my favorite dirty mistress?" He asked gently, making Meredith look over at him.
"Didn't you hear? Now, I'm an adulterous whore," She'd fired back the same words before her appy, but this time there wasn't any morphine that made her all smiles and loopy. Now, she sounded hurt and in pain.
"Are you alright?" He questioned as he offered her his hand, which she took immediately, "Was it Derek? Did he call and say something?"
"No, it's not Derek," Meredith answered softly, "It's Alex. He's an ass and I'm feeling more dark and twisty than normal."
"Well, I'm a captive audience, so you want to talk about it?"
Meredith sighed, "You felt guilty right? When you and Addison slept together, you felt guilty after, didn't you? Because you didn't want to hurt Derek."
"Yeah, I felt guilty. I fell in love with Addison, and he was never there, and I definitely took advantage when she was down," At Meredith's sharp look, he continued, "No, I just mean, it was consensual, Meredith. She was sad because he was never home and I was there. I felt guilty that I was part of the reason their marriage fell apart. And Addie, she was torn apart. He was so angry, throwing her clothes out of the house, saying that she threw away what they had."
"I cheated on him with Addison," Meredith said softly, "All we did was kiss, but I could've stopped it. I feel guilty that I did, but I don't regret it. Our marriage has been over since the Alzheimer's trial." His heart broke for her. This was exactly how Addison had felt after Derek had fled New York, Our marriage has been over for years, Mark, "I have no idea where he is, and I should be terrified not knowing. But I'm not. I feel."
"Free," He echoed Addison's words to him all those years ago, "You feel free because you don't have to act like you're this perfect couple who doesn't fight, like your marriage is perfect, when your home life is a complete mess."
"Yeah," Meredith answered, "Does that make me a bad person?"
"No, it doesn't," He squeezed her hand softly, making her look at him, "Don't tear yourself up for loving someone, Meredith. Yes, it's wrong that you cheated, but you and Derek have to get over that, even if you don't stay together, because you have a child together. But you and Addison," He grinned, "are so fucking hot. You two deserve to be happy, Derek Shepherd be damned."
And for the first time in what felt like ages, Mark Sloan saw a genuine smile appear on Meredith's face. He vowed the next time he saw Derek, he was giving the man a piece of his mind. Meredith didn't deserve to be verbally assaulted by him for the choices she made.
A/N: I really hate that I started this fic with Meredith cheating on Derek because I really hate cheating. But I'm hoping that I'm conveying that it was a mistake, but the people in her life can still recognize that she wasn't happy with Derek, and despite the mistake, they still love and respect her. And the same sentiments for Addison. Both Meredith and Addison still have a lot of insecurities that I still need to address. I'm changing canon a bit as I write, so things may happen differently, including things that should've already happened in Private Practice that I'm ignoring. I'm really loving the way I'm writing the characters. Everything is so complicated, and I both love and hate it. Still not sure how many chapters this is going to be, but I'm excited to see where it's going to go. More to come. As always, review please!