Chap 4

A/N: Some quotes from Private Practice season 3 are in this chapter in the beginning, as I delve a bit more into Addison and her family life.

Addison had paged Meredith half a dozen times. She knew that the blonde wanted to be alone, but she also knew how destructive isolation could be. She wasn't sure who she wanted to hurt more, Karev for making Meredith run or Derek for spewing the lies in the first place.

Meredith's words still bounced around in her head, "This is my fucking life, Alex! My life! And you don't get to judge me for what I do in it!"

She'd felt the same way when she'd cheated on Derek with Mark; yes, she'd fucked up, but it was her mistake, hers she had to live with. It had to have been a family trait, in some way, because not only did her parents cheat on each other, but Archer had cheated on numerous girlfriends. And then she had done the same to Derek.

"I did what I could with what I had. And I may not have been in love with your father, but I loved him. I do love him, and I love you and your brother."

"We were trying to protect you and Archer."

Both had felt like lies, and that wasn't even new to her, her parents lying to "protect" her and Archer, her lying to Mother about what Daddy was doing. Of course, she hadn't known about Bizzy and Susan's relationship, but the best news always came when she was down, she supposed. Her relationship with her parents probably rivaled Meredith's with hers, if not on the same level. Even now, months later, he never saw an issue with what either of them did, cheating on the other instead of doing the sane thing and getting divorced, her and Archer's childhood be damned. They would've coped. They always did.

"You're the cheating whore, not Dad," she remembered telling Bizzy after finding out about the affair.

"My entire life, I thought she was this poor, pathetic woman. I thought it was my job to cover for you, and it made me hate you, but don't you understand? I hated the wrong parent," those words had burned in her throat as she told the Captain, and even now, "Now I know you're the poor, pathetic one, because you love her and she loves someone else. But you stayed! This is like some pathetic, sad, after-school special which is just awful because now, now, I hate you both."

Her mother was dead and her father had vanished, and that was so very Ellis and Thatcher that it was almost comical. She wouldn't be like her parents, not anymore. She knew what she wanted and who she wanted it with, everything else be damned.

So, while a part of her was worried that Meredith had walked out of the room, she understood because she would do the very same thing. She needed to clear her head, so she understood the ignored pages. And then she would go to someone who would understand, someone who wasn't going to judge her. In fact, after she had cheated on Derek, she'd talked to Mark.

She stopped walking as the realization dawned on her. She sent a quick page off to Dr. Kepner, who'd wanted to help before getting called away for a consult, letting her know that she'd found the blonde, before she ran to Mark's room. She felt her heart skip several beats seeing Meredith sitting beside his bed, talking.

"I have no idea where he is, and I should be terrified not knowing," Meredith was saying as she watched from the doorway, "But I'm not. I feel,"

"Free," Mark answered her, and she remembered telling him exactly that.

"I feel free, Mark, I feel free. I don't have to pretend anymore, and I still feel so scared."

"You feel free because you don't have to act like you're this perfect couple who doesn't fight, like your marriage is perfect, when your home life is a complete mess." Mark continued.

"Yeah," Meredith answered, and her next words broke her heart, "Does that make me a bad person?"

"No, it doesn't," He squeezed Meredith's hand softly, making her look at him, and she took the opportunity to step further into the room, "Don't tear yourself up for loving someone, Meredith. Yes, it's wrong that you cheated, but you and Derek have to get over that, even if you don't stay together, because you have a child together. But you and Addison are so fucking hot," He grinned.

She rolled her eyes with a wiry smile. Typical Mark.

"You two deserve to be happy, Derek Shepherd be damned."

Meredith smiled softly, and her heart tightened painfully. She never wanted to see that smile disappear ever again.

"There you are," She spoke up.

Meredith jumped in surprise, "Addison!"

"I was wondering when you were going to stop lurking in the corner, Addie," Mark replied with a smile.

"I nearly stopped you when you called us fucking hot," She snarked back.

"You loved it," he answered, and she rolled her eyes.

She did, and he knew that, "You're not getting a threesome, you pervert."

"You wound me."

Meredith watched with amusement as Addison and Mark went back and forth. She wondered if she and Derek would be able to get to this kind of easy banter and then decided she didn't want to think about it anymore. She could be professional with Derek, civil for Zola, but if he was going to still be an ass because she was divorcing him, then she knew she didn't want to be friends with him. They'd tried that before, and he'd dangled Rose in her face, just because he knew it would hurt her. She knew Addison wouldn't hurt her like Derek did; she wouldn't try to bribe her with surgeries, wouldn't get angry when she wanted to drive home, wouldn't try to find a reason to start a fight. Sure, they would fight, she knew; every relationship had fights. But she knew they'd be able to resolve them.

She stood slowly. She was feeling tired from all the emotional talk; she didn't normally open up, it wasn't her style, but there was something about Mark that made her feel safe. She supposed that was one of the reasons Lexie loved him.

"Thanks for listening, McSteamy," She said.

"Anytime, Dirty Mistress."

She looked from Mark to Addison and was relieved when the redhead didn't look angry. In fact, she looked relieved herself. She decided at that moment that she was going to be happy, the rumor mill be damned. The nurses could say whatever they wanted. Alex and Derek could say whatever they wanted. Because all she wanted right now was Addison. It scared her, the intensity of her feelings, but that wasn't a bad thing. And as she walked into Addison's arms, she heard her relieved sigh, felt her fingers tighten on her back as she held her close. And she didn't care that the hallway had become silent because Addison was holding her and she wasn't angry at her for walking away. Addison was holding her, and she was home.

"I'm not sorry," She said against Addison's shoulder.

"You don't need to be," Addison answered softly, "about any of it."

She was content to stay in Addison's arms; so really, she wasn't that surprised when their pagers started going off. She groaned in annoyance as she pulled away to check it. Incoming trauma.

"I'll pay you to resume this later," Mark spoke from behind them, "just with less clothes."

Typical Mark.

"Goodbye, McSteamy," She said as she followed Addison out of the room at a run.

They were almost to the pit when she was able to grab Addison's hand, pulling her to a stop.

"Meredith," Addison's voice was half-exasperated, half-amused, "We need…"

But whatever else Addison was going to say she silenced with a kiss. It was not the most ideal time, not the most ideal place, but she'd wanted to kiss her ever since she'd walked in on her conversation with Mark. Addison kissed back fiercely, and she felt her knees buckle. She wasn't sure she would ever get tired of kissing the neonatal surgeon. And as quickly as the kiss started, it was over. They had lives to save.

Cristina wasn't quite sure what to say. She'd been sitting in Dr. Wyatt's office for nearly 20 minutes, and the words wouldn't come. There was so much she wanted to say, but how was she supposed to speak when everything wanted to come out at once?

"Is there anything you'd wish to discuss today, Cristina? How about what made you decide to book an appointment?"

To make Teddy happy. Because Teddy deserved to come to work without worrying about her being home alone. Because Meredith is leaving Derek and divorcing him for Satan.

"Satan is stealing my person."

"Satan?" Oh great, now Dr. Wyatt is going to think she was crazy.

"Dr. Montgomery. She's stealing Meredith. Meredith told me that she's leaving McDreamy, uh, Dr. Shepherd. Nevermind."

"It's alright," Dr. Wyatt said gently, "We have time, Cristina. Just talk."

"Meredith and I have been each other's persons since we started here. And it feels like everything is going to change," She knew it already had. She focused on a point on the wall, "After the plane crash, I listened to Meredith crying every night, waking up from nightmares. Arizona wouldn't shut up, and Derek and Mark were in pain too, and God, Jerry. I had to listen every night as the wolves tore him up," She shuddered, trying to keep her mind from going back there, "I want Teddy to be able to come to work and not have to worry about me at home. So I need to work. I need to be here."

"I don't think you're ready to come back fully, Dr. Yang. I don't think you're mentally prepared."

"But…"

"However, I don't see a reason for you not to be available for consults or to observe surgeries, so long as Dr. Altman is here. Would that be alright for right now?"

Not really, she wanted to say, but she knew that it was her only option right now, "That's acceptable."

Dr. Wyatt smiled, "I thought you'd say that. I would like you to come in a few times a week until I feel it's safe to clear you for surgery. Would that be acceptable?"

"Could Teddy sit in?" She knew she'd be able to talk easier if Teddy was here, so she didn't have to repeat herself trying to get through the trauma.

"Of course, Cristina. Whatever helps," Dr. Wyatt made a note in her folder, "We have a while left. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"

This was an endless cycle, wasn't it?

Meredith pulled her scrub cap off tiredly as the OR door fell closed behind her. The surgery had been a success, and the patient, a 34-year-old teacher, would make a full recovery. It had been touch-and-go for a while, but she and Owen had been able to get the woman back. She wasn't sure where Addison had gone, pulled away by April for a Peds consult as she was rushing off to surgery. Just as she pulled out her pager, she heard the tell-tale click of heels and then Addison's voice was in her ear.

"Successful surgery, Dr. Grey?"

She turned to face her and smiled, "Yeah, all clear. How was the consult?"

"Good," Addison answered, "Karev is taking the little boy into surgery."

"Not you?" She questioned, perplexed.

"I had a better time watching your first surgery since coming back," Addison smiled, "How about we go out to lunch today? Get away for a bit."

"Are we allowed to leave for lunch? I thought we had to stay in case we were paged?"

"You're an Attending now. You can leave for lunch. The nurses know to page you."

"Why haven't other Attendings done it then?" It wasn't that she doubted Addison; she just liked to be sure.

Addison smirked, "Because they didn't have a reason to. We have a reason. And I can even talk to Chief Hunt if you'd like."

"Talk to Chief Hunt about what?" The man in question came out of the OR doors right as Addison spoke.

"I was wanting to take Dr. Grey out for lunch with Zola."

Owen glanced briefly at his watch, "That's fine, Addison. I'll make sure the nurses page if there's an issue the residents can't handle. Same for you, Meredith." He offered them a smile and then he was heading down the hallway.

Addison smiled victoriously, and honestly, did she have to look so cute, "Told you it was okay. Come on."

Lunch was relaxing; they'd gone down to daycare to find that it was naptime, and not wanting to disturb the little girl, they opted to go without her. There would be other opportunities. Addison took Meredith to a small bistro downtown, a hidden spot in the wall that she'd been to a couple of times on her visits back. She spent most of the lunch listening to Meredith talk about her earlier surgery, and even though she'd watched the whole thing, she enjoyed hearing Meredith's thoughts on it. A lot of people thought that general surgery was a boring specialty, but they had it wrong. The passion in Meredith's eyes as she spoke was enlightening. After she'd paid, ignoring Meredith's objection, she handed Meredith the keys.

"I don't know how to get to the house." She said as a way of explanation.

"The house?"

"I figured we could get your things from Derek's while we were out. If that's alright." She answered, and Meredith agreed with a nod.

"We don't need a whole lot, just some extra clothes and Zola's toys," Meredith said as she started the car, "And if Derek is there, I'm sure he'll stay out of the way." She was rambling now.

She put her hand on Meredith's briefly, "It'll be fine, Meredith. We can drop everything at the hotel before going back to work."

"No," Meredith interjected, "I have my house, my mom's house. I haven't been in it in a couple of months, but we can take it there. Besides, we can't live in a hotel room with Zola."

"We?"

Meredith stopped the car as they hit a red light, turning to look at her with a soft blush, "I have a house. There's no reason for you to stay in a hotel. And besides, I like sleeping next to you." As the light turned green, she moved the car forward.

She smiled softly, "Well that's good because I like sleeping next to you too."

The rest of the ride was silent. As they pulled up to the house, they noticed that Derek's car was gone. She wasn't sure why she felt relieved.

Meredith walked through the house slowly. It felt like she was in some kind of dystopian nightmare. Furniture was overturned, glass littered the kitchen floor, parts of plates and cups laying in chunks, cabinet doors ripped off their hinges. Photos were smashed, laying haphazardly around the house. She half-expected to find Derek dead, but he wasn't anywhere in the house.

As she entered the bedroom, his drawers were left open, but none of his clothes were there. She looked into the closet to find his side cleaned out. The bed was stripped, and as she got closer, she saw the framed picture of their Post-It wedding on the bedside table, the glass cracked and broken.

Love each other

even when we

hate each other

No running

Take care when old

senile and smelly.

And it's forever

He'd scratched his signature out.

As she set the frame down, she saw a note beside it, her name scrawled at the top.

Meredith,

Don't try to contact me. I want all your shit out of my house before I get back. I can't believe you would do this to us.

Derek

She wasn't sure how long she stood, rereading the note.

"Meredith," Addison's voice was loud in the stillness and she turned instinctively, "Hey," Addison continued softly, placing a hand on her shoulder, "This place is a mess."

"It's fine. I got it," She felt the prick of tears in her eyes.

"You shouldn't be alone right now. Let me help."

And even though she wanted to do it alone, she knew she would wallow in her guilt if she did.

"Thank you," She answered softly.

Addison's smile was tight but genuine, "It's no trouble. Why don't you go get Zola's things, and I'll start in here?"

Addison surveyed the bedroom one last time to make sure she'd gotten all of Meredith's belongings. The trunk was packed full, but between her and Meredith, they'd managed to get everything in it, except for one or two items of clothes that were placed in the backseat.

She thought of him throwing her clothes out of the brownstone in New York and shutting her out with them in the pouring rain. But this mindless destruction? It scared her and worried her. She didn't understand it. Why destroy the house if he was planning on coming back? Was he planning on coming back?

Derek wasn't the type of person to hit a woman. Get angry and scream, get cold and silent, but this? This wasn't him at all. He'd changed and not for the better. The man needed a psych consult. Whether it was because of his hand or simply because he'd lost Meredith, she didn't know, but he was acting crazy. One thing was for certain, however; there was no way she was going to leave Meredith alone with the man if he did come back.

Meredith unlocked the door to her family home, her arms loaded with clothes. There was too much to just leave in the car until after their shifts ended. But they had to be quick regardless. It had been about an hour and half since they'd left, and they really needed to be getting back.

"Just put the clothes on the couch, I can sort through them later tonight," She said as Addison came through the door, arms full.

"We should've had boxes."

She agreed completely, "The next time I want to move, we can have boxes."

Nearly ten minutes later, they'd managed to get the clothes and Zola's toys into the living room.

"I was going to sell this place when I moved to Seattle," She said as she looked around the living room, "but so many people have lived here, so I'm glad I didn't."

Addison wrapped her arms around her from behind, holding her close, "I'm glad you didn't either."

She turned in Addison's arms and kissed her gently, "Thank you for today and for helping."

Addison hummed as she kissed back softly, "You're welcome, Mere. Now, come on, let's get back to the hospital."

"Hospital," She agreed as she kissed her again, as gentle as before.

They needed to get back, they did, but she needed just a few more minutes.

Addison knew what Meredith was doing. She did, damn it. But she was helpless to stop it, helpless to do anything but kiss her back. She knew it was mind over matter. She knew Meredith would stop if she asked her to. Still, her body was a traitor, and she held the blonde tighter as they kissed.

"She's the love of my life," The Captain had said. "We've been married for 40 years. I love her. She's my best friend, she's my everything. She's the love of my life. It's complicated. Love is complicated."

Love was so very complicated. If there was one thing she agreed with her father on, it was that. She pulled back slowly, as Meredith let out a groan in disappointment.

"We need to get back, Mere."

"Do we have to?" Meredith whined.

She smiled, "This is why no one tells any new Attendings they can leave, and why most don't," She kissed her once more before handing her the keys, "Come on."

Meredith took the keys with a soft smile, "Fine."

Jackson and April were at the nurse's station grabbing charts as Meredith and Addison walked past, offering them both smiles as they headed to the Attendings lounge. One of the nurses, Maddison, looked up as the two women passed and scoffed.

"Can you believe they're not even hiding it?" She asked the nurse to her right.

"Hm?" the shorter nurse, Maxine, questioned, and then followed her line of sight, "Why would they hide it when everyone knows?"

"Maybe that's why Shepherd left? Because he found out." Maddison questioned.

"Maybe that's why Montgomery took the job off so quickly? Because she's been screwing Grey for months."

"Okay, that's enough!" April spoke up, startling the two nurses and him, if he was honest, "First off, you don't know anything! Drs. Grey and Montgomery are respectable doctors in this hospital, and for you to gossip about them shows how much you really know!"

"Alright, let's go," He gently took her arm, leading her away from the nurse's station.

"Shepherd really deserves better than both of them," Maddison said as they were walking away.

"You know what," April stated but he kept walking away with her.

"No, no," he said softly, "Not the fight to take. They'll get theirs, April." He looked back at the nurse's station to find the two had gone back to work, "They'll get theirs."

A/N: This chapter was super fun to write. Next chapter, Derek is back, so look forward to that. Or don't. Anyway, please review!