Gross! This word escaped my mouth when I first saw a dead body lying in the pool of its blood. Well, I was taken aback by the sheer grotesqueness that laid in front of me, and, at that moment, a thousand thoughts crossed my mind. 'Have I chosen a worthy profession for myself', echoed the loudest. Interestingly enough, I was a gold medallist in the academy. Well, yes, I know, I excelled in all the drills and detective abilities. But then dummies never give you real-life experiences. The training can never be well-rounded enough to make you ready for dealings on actual crime scenes, where there is human flesh and blood binding you in a wreath of thrill. Only once you go out in the field you are struck by the lightning that bolts you down the crust.
Phew! This was my catchphrase a few years down the line from the first day of joining. It signified impatience. With the increasing amount of violence embracing the city and unsolved cases piling up like never, even the energy set off lethargy, and inefficiency took over the vitality and vigor. Restlessness grew exponentially as the clock ticked by. We were the best bunch of detectives, after all. Incompetency was never an option for us. Sailing through the turbulent waves and reaching the coast with a wrecked ship was never the case. But that time around, debris was what all could be seen choking the ecosystem within. The once-revered bureau was the center of questioning eyes and infamy was seeping through the walls.
Apt! For a few months after being promoted as the second-in-command, this was the expression that I carried with my persona. With responsibility, came satisfaction, and with satisfaction came a sense of belonging. Bureau became home away from home and fellow investigators became family. Work was celebration and successes were the parties. Prudence was never mine; the execution was never theirs. Everything belonged to us, the team. We shared failures, awards, appreciation, sorrows, and individuality. The post was never a deterrent, ideas flowed seamlessly; everyone was welcomed, every proposal was rightfully utilized. Motives were met, goals were achieved. Justice was given, the law was restored. Society became civil again, things came under control. It was Diwali every day. Good overtook evil.
Callous! This was what I became in the latter part of my career. The dead bodies, blood, flesh, merciless killings, and horrifying murders that I had been a witness to for over three decades turned me into a ruthless savior. My feelings resonated with those carried by criminals, it was just that I consciously decided to abide by the laws and not let the inhumanity fattening inside me surface. I became a sadist. If crimes were not reported, frustration took over me and I became a rookie for my sub-ordinates. I derived pleasure from belittling the young guns who just entered the profession if I did not get to lead my team to solve a case and bask in the glory of success. I believe to date that if I were set free then, I would have had landed into jail for committing a crime, as heinous as one could think of. If it were not for the law and duties that chained me to goodness, evil would have had turned me into a cold-blooded murderer. I was ill. I was ill, mentally. Psychosis was overpowering my brain. I needed attention - medical attention you call it.
Wow! This exclamation has stood by me from the day I got retired and started with my therapy in this valley, which incidentally is my residence now. Sun rising from in between the snow-clad mountains mesmerizes me and heals my heart every day. The serene environment that envelops this valley is the peace that I was vouching for ages. Early morning meditation and spending time with the young monks in the evening have made me human again. I am happy today. I am reachable and I have grown a layer of worldly wisdom through the spirituality that resides inside me. I am a changed person now, a more forgiving being, and a better individual. I live to connect with the immortal today and rationale is not what I try to find in everything. I am inside the well of complacency and waiting to rest in the lap of mother nature to start with this vicious cycle yet again. It was one hell of a ride, believe me.
- Abhijeet
Author's Note -
Thank you for reading this piece of writing. I will be waiting for the reviews. Constructive criticism is always welcomed.