It is difficult to know where it all went wrong. To tell what exact moment it was decided that nothing would ever be the same. I can't help but wonder if things would've been different if I had never met them.
Up until Sirius started his first year at Hogwarts, the Black brothers did everything together. They played wizards and werewolves and pranked their elder cousins. Looking back now, it is difficult to imagine either of the men had ever been so unburdened.
As they grew older, the boys began to bear the weight of the Black name and the expectations that came with it. It was an impossible load and it should've been no surprise that they both crumpled under its ruthlessness. No matter how strong they each were, in their own way, neither stood a chance.
I often wonder if maybe they could have made it out, eventually, if they'd stayed together. If they had decided to make an effort to grab a butterbeer every once in a while or if Sirius had helped Regulus practice for his Quidditch tryouts. Maybe if they had still acknowledged each other in the corridor. Maybe the little moments could have added up to create a stronger bond between the two. It's too late for any of that now. The Black brothers could never be what they once were. And when all was said and done, the only thing they still had in common was me...
The taste of warm saltwater stung a cut on my lip, pulling me from my reverie. I could feel my hand wiping the liquid off my cheeks before drying itself off on the jumper I was wearing. I had to blink two or three times before my mind was able to focus on the project in front of me. A pot rested on the muggle stove with milk already sitting in it and an opened packet of hot chocolate sat beside the pot.
It was still dark outside and I glanced up at the Mickey Mouse clock on the wall to confirm. Across the room, small snores came from the mop of black hair that had hogged all the blankets on the bed — the cause of my early rising. A low breath escaped my lips as I turned back to the kitchen window and closed my eyes, resting the palms of my hands on the counter in front of me. It was too early for nostalgia, and yet It was the hot chocolate. Despite myself, the corners of my lips turned up ever so slightly as I decided that never would there be a better cup of the delicacy served than by Millie, the Hogwarts house elf. To think that such a delicacy would have passed me by if not for the compassion of Regulus Black. Compassion, I laughed softly as a small smile escaped me. In only a few years after our first visit to the kitchens, I am sure he would have denied such an accusation through and through, likely with the addition of a few choice words. He tried so hard to hide it, but I have never met a better soul than his.
As I lit the fire under the pot, the soft taste of chocolate powder drifted under my nose and my mind began to wander off once more on its own accord...
I remember thinking how much he looked like his brother. I sat across from him at the small table in the corner of the Hogwarts kitchen, clutching a warm mug close to my lips with dried tears on my face when I realised I was staring. "Thank you," I whispered.
He lowered his own mug and grinned, a moustache of whipped cream on his upper lip. "You're welcome."
That marked the first night of our after hours visits to the kitchens. Which then spilled out into study sessions in the library and games of exploding snap in the courtyard. It was that childish innocence that led us to become the closest either of us had ever had to a best friend. We shared secrets, dreams, and silly questions. We got to know the other's habits and we'd talk about our families, all the good and the bad of everything we'd ever known. Even now, these were some of the best times of my life and even minuscule details remain as clear as the day they occurred.
It didn't take long for our fellow students to notice that the Slytherin and I had taken up a mutual friendship. Almost immediately after this, immaturity and pride would overtake our fellow students and Regulus and I found ourselves in every sort of conundrum Slytherins, Ravenclaws, Gryffindors and even Hufflepuffs alike had conjured up for entertainment at our expense.
Yet, every slime prank rinsed out within a week and we eventually learned how to avoid the most common of tricks. It had been Regulus' idea to take to the library to learn counters to opposing spells in order to defend each other. An idea that had had extremely coincidental timing as we found ourselves soon after to be the target of the Marauder's next great prank.
I would have considered myself to be familiar with the group of boys that year, having bonded over last minute homework and nearly tumbling off the front of the stands with Sirius and Peter once during a particularly heated Quidditch match. However, there seemed to be no truce in place as I had found myself at the end of Sirius and James' wands as Regulus collapsed to the ground from a leg-locking spell. I could feel my hands begin to shake before I locked eyes with Regulus, who gave me a small nod of encouragement and a wink.
As soon as I turned back and surveyed the scene, it hit me. Remus had spoken up, drawing the attention of both James and Sirius and not even Peter was paying any attention to her. They may have hardly spoken in years, but Regulus still knew how his brother's mind worked - from showboating to strategy. Regulus had pushed for the higher success of my shielding charm when we were practicing and while I may have chucked the book at his head in annoyance after missing lunch AND dinner, I now knew why. He had prepared me for that very moment.
In the seconds Remus tried to verbally defend me, I had been able to mutter the counter-curse for Regulus and catch Sirius off guard as he turned away from Remus to face me. In the next instant, I shouted, "protego!" and Sirius was knocked backwards. I had maybe half a second to celebrate with the growing laughter from the crowd before I too was thrown onto my bum by a spell from a slightly impressed, but still smug, James. And even though Regulus immediately had my back and put James on his, this would later become the foundation on which I would rebuild my friendship with the Marauders.
Regulus and I were friends for years, but I met Sirius first. The group of boys that would later christen themselves, "the Marauders" became my friends in our first year. Though we grew apart over the next summer, I still recall the memories with fondness Christmas morning, Sirius and James stumbled through the entrance to the Gryffindor common room balancing six cups of hot chocolate. The smell hit almost immediately, mixing with the cinnamon and burning firewood already in the air. Peter and I were playing a game of exploding snaps while Remus somehow managed to read, despite the noise we were making.
"Alright, Christmas can officially begin." Sirius declared as James began passing the hot chocolates over to Remus and Peter. I stood to meet Sirius halfway, but made to turn around when I realised I couldn't move my feet. In front of me, Sirius seemed to be having the same difficulty moving from our spot. Looking up in confusion, the not so subtle snickers of James and Remus echoed behind me.
"Haha, very funny. What'd you do?" I tapped Sirius as I followed Peter's gaze to look above our heads and recognised a little green plant that hovered in the air, three little red berries hanging off of it. I'm sure both of our mouths hit the floor once we realised the purpose of our friends' little prank.
I shook my head, still in tune with the joke, "clever, but no way." I lifted the hot chocolate to my lips in defiance.
"But...hot..." Sirius pouted, also coveting the sweet liquid.
"Sorry mates, only one way out."
It had taken nearly the rest of Christmas Day before Sirius and I finally obliged with the silly tradition. I remember him blushing and me looking away and biting my lip bashfully. But we were young and once Peter announced it was snowing, we were on to the next activity.
Sirius had always been a flirt and I never gave his words much credibility, chalking it up to a game. And though I had been his first kiss at the time, much of his Hogwarts life was spent flirting and kissing other girls. Not that I minded. In time, I barely remembered the event on our first Christmas. That's just how life goes, I suppose.
Sirius did have a way with words. Although he wasn't terribly well-spoken in public discussions, we saw a truer side to him. He had, after all, been raised in a pureblood home, but he did his best to defy any stereotype or association that could be thrown at him. Often going to exciting and elaborate lengths to do so, and the rest of us were happy to go along.
Sirius would always tell you what he thought and how he felt about something. It was just how he was. He didn't lie, he never lied. Exaggerated, maybe. Distracted, definitely. But he didn't lie.
Regulus lied. More so to himself than to anybody else, but he did. Usually to please or pacify others, to convince them that he was who they wanted him to be — perfect. I suppose this made him mysterious, and like his brother, quite a hit with the ladies. I liked Regulus because not only was he a challenge, but he challenged me. I was better for knowing him, and I'd like to think I did the same for him. We made a good team...
I reached above the counter to grab a mug, knocking it accidentally against another and I freeze, turning around to make sure I didn't wake him. He was still and I rolled my eyes in amusement. He could sleep through anything...
Regulus had a laugh that could put a mandrake to shame. It was unexpected, obnoxious, and always the most genuine response to ordinary, everyday behaviours or circumstances. He'd be shamed for his laughter and I never got to hear it as much as I wanted to. When he couldn't laugh in public, he would instead smile so beautifully that you could hear at least three or four girls nearby swoon at his dashing looks.
Sirius roared, unabashed and determined for everyone to hear it. He loved sharing laughter just as much as he loved to create it. His laugh supported his desire to prove that he didn't care what anyone thought of him, that he wasn't cold and harsh like his family. He had a lopsided smile, almost like a puppy with too much energy and it almost never left his face. He was the light that everyone needed in their life, but one that not all were privileged enough to experience.
While Regulus had ingrained and respected every lesson and rule his parents gave him, Sirius not only blatantly disrespected the same instructions but somehow managed to behave in the exact opposite manner then that which he was taught. The brothers grew to be near opposites, but for the exact same reason.
I turn off the fire underneath the pot and follow each instruction for the hot chocolate, down to the last word. I chuckled slightly at my own insistence on following instructions to the letter because I knew he would, and I couldn't help but be brought back to the past.
The year of my O.W.L.S brought me closer to friends in my year and further from Regulus. And though I didn't know it at the time, my absence had provided an opening in his life for much darker influences than he'd already been subjected to...
Where Regulus was cordial and restrained, Sirius was expressive and vibrant. No one ever seemed to say no to him - except for the other Marauders. A perk that I took advantage of often and always with a witty quip. Quips that, by the way, I had to plan in advance for and enlist the help of Remus until about four months later when I seemed to have finally mastered the skill of witty comebacks. I meshed with the group quite well and had it not been for my friendship with Regulus, I imagine things might've turned out much differently.
It was only a few months in to the school session that Regulus decided we couldn't be friends anymore. It was public and messy, giving fuel to the feud between the Gryffindors and Slytherins, as if Regulus and I were merely tools in the never-ending war.
Though the Marauders did their best to cheer me up, they could only offer me mere distractions. I still saw Regulus around every corner, across the Great Hall at breakfast and in my mind before I fell asleep every night.
Sirius would take me to the kitchens, with no idea that Regulus and I had spent long nights in the kitchen for the exact same reason. Sirius however hated having to wait for the hot chocolate to cool and often burned his tongue. It was entertaining and his exaggerated impatience waiting for it to cool always did the trick in making me smile. He was so childish and I loved that about him.
Eventually, it got easier. If I were being honest with myself, I hadn't had so much fun and light hearted happiness since our first year. Not that I didn't value and equally enjoy the years I'd spent mostly with Regulus, I wouldn't change them for anything. Yet, I didn't want to give up this new exhilarating and genuine lifestyle. I didn't think it would be possible to have both and I would never get the chance to try.
Back in my tiny flat, I pick up the warm mug, wrapping my hands around it as I am reminded of a time in which I was oblivious to the dangers in our world. I know better than to dwell on it now, but for a brief moment I let myself wonder that maybe if I had been there for him, Regulus could have somehow escaped it all. But I knew better.
He never stood a chance. The praise for Voldemort and his followers and their work was a large part of who Regulus was, whether I wanted to accept it then or now. As close as we were, I knew what we had would never be as innate as was his future as a Death Eater. Which is why I pulled away, leaving him to the mercy of those scavengers. I couldn't stand by and watch it happen. I refused to.
I didn't know it at the time, but one night in our seventh year, Sirius cornered his brother in the kitchens. Millie offered them hot chocolate and the men had their first conversation since Regulus had watched their mother burn his brother off of the family tree.
Whatever was said that night would go with both of them to their graves. This would be the last time the brothers would sit together in peace, on equal ground.
The next few months saw Lily finally agree to go out with James, who was beside himself with glee and talked our ears off for hours about her eyes alone. Sirius became my tag along soon after that — he needed a new buddy. Remus was often with us as well and there were nights where Sirius would moan and groan while begrudgingly closing down the library with us. Peter's often absences went for the most part, unnoticed. All seemed well.
As I curled up on my couch and drank my hot chocolate, I thought more about my school days. Now willingly slipping into my memories...
Near the end of my seventh year, I received an owl from Regulus asking me to meet him. We'd barely spoken in months and the separation nearly broke me, despite the constant distractions of my friends and studies. And against my better judgement, I met him by the lake one night.
I had an inkling, but it wasn't until I forced him to lift up his sleeve that my fears hit me full force. I remember I had tried to run, but he begged me to listen.
It was that night that he filled me in on everything. Much of it expected, most of it disturbing, and all of it, devastating. He was full of regret and shame and he had done horrible things. But looking into his eyes, clouds of grey passing over the blue, like the sky on a winter day, none of it mattered.
"Run away with me?" He had whispered, resting his forehead on mine. I nodded and he captured my lips in his.
A few weeks later, I waited for him on the platform in Hogsmead. But he never came and I thought that was the end of it.
School finished. I was a free witch. No more school, no more teachers, no more homework and no more Regulus. I spent several months with my friends, watching James and Lily move in together and getting jobs at the ministry with Sirius and James. But nothing about it felt right and I decided I needed something new.
I decided to travel, spending quite a bit of time in Asia before landing in America, where I figured I could get a teaching degree at a wizarding college. I did. It wasn't long after that that I had begun to ache for my friends. My sudden leave made sending letters confusing, and eventually people just get busy.
So, I returned to Britain and Dumbledore offered me a job at Hogwarts. It wasn't until I saw Remus that I was truly filled in on everything that had happened. I knew about the war, it was the reason the boys and I had become aurors in the first place. What I didn't know, was how bad it had truly gotten.
I learned that Regulus had disappeared and Sirius had been sent to Azkaban for the murder of our friends and that he had escaped only recently. Peter had betrayed us. I vaguely remember making a joke about my going away and everybody dies. I don't think it was that funny, even at the time.
And there was no mistaking the boy who sat in the fourth row in one of my classes. The first time I saw him, I nearly fainted.
It was the following summer that a knock on my door brought an old friend back into my life. He stood on my doorstep, as ragtag as ever and running ran a hand through his black curls. He'd whispered my name, as if surprised to see me opening my own door. Despite my shock, I'd managed to make two cups of hot chocolate for old times sake and we talked. And talked and talked and soon, it was as if we had never left Hogwarts, but it was different this time.
Perhaps we found comfort in being all we had left of our past. A time where everything was good and happy. It felt real and as the months passed, I fell deeper and deeper in love with the man who had once only been my childhood friend.
I looked down into the white bottom of my mug before standing and splashing water around it in the sink. A familiar shiver ran down my spine as two arms wrapped themselves around my waist and lips were pressed to my neck.
"You're standing underneath the mistletoe."
I turned around in his arms and placed a hand on his cheek, my lips meeting his in a gentle kiss before pulling away. His eyes like a storm as they looked into mine.
I'd always loved Regulus Black. But Sirius looked so much like him.