CONTENT WARNING: Non-con/rape (not sexualized but depicted), child sexual abuse, mentions of violence, suicidal ideation, depiction of panic attacks. Also if I see any of you calling this hot, I will break into your house and steal all your bones. That's a promise.

(seriously last warning, if you're sensitive to this content and reading this to trigger yourself, please go drink some water, have a snack, go to bed if it's late. I love you and you are important. You matter and you are not your past 3)

Byakuya stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling. If he focused on the tile, if he looked hard enough, maybe he could feel nothing. Maybe the bruises on his ribs and the cracks in his knuckles will disappear. Maybe, if he tried hard enough. So would he. The shower ran in the adjacent master bathroom. Byakuya's bare skin was starting to chill as his damp shoulders soaked through the fine cotton sheets he lay on. It hurt to towel himself off. He was still wounded from fighting his brothers. He could almost laugh thinking about it. Somehow the youngest, the underdog of underdogs, beat out every other member of his extensive family. No one expected him to win. None of his brothers thought he would even be a threat. They tore each other apart and those still standing saved him for last. He had not won by brute strength, but by allowing everyone to think he was weak. They had forgotten he was raised for the fight.

He doubted Ms. Lange expected him to win. Likely, if she had, she wouldn't have offered herself up to the winner to "celebrate", as his father had put it. Or perhaps she would've. She didn't seem to mind that he was half her age and woefully unskilled in this area. Unwilling, as well. Byakuya had never had a taste for women, Much less 30 year old cougars with shrill voices that smelled of flowery perfume. He hated flowers. But she insisted on allowing the youngest Togami to have his way with her. However, it wasn't his way. His way would be resting at home until his ears stopped ringing, but it would be impolite to refuse her. She was already upset that he didn't allow her to shower with him. She had waited five years for this, perhaps she was hoping for more romance.

He heard the shower turn off and his breath caught in his throat. He knew what came next, what he had been putting off with cries of "I'm in a lot of pain" and "I need a day to prepare myself". She was tired of hearing it. Their conversation over dinner tonight confirmed as such. She had him drink. She told him it would help with the pain and ease his inhibitions. All the bitter wine seemed to be doing right now is churn in his stomach, making him feel nauseous. Perhaps wine simply wasn't for him.

The door opened and Byakuya carefully and slowly sat up. It was a hard effort. He imagined tonight would likely slow his healing down significantly, or worse, make his injuries far worse. He wasn't going to complain though. He wasn't allowed to, his father had warned him that if he didn't behave himself on this little "business trip" that he would find one of his brothers and make them heir instead. Byakuya didn't mind a little pain, he had already worked so hard to be here, this wouldn't be the thing to stop him.

Ms. Lange was not by any means unattractive. She looked as beautiful as money could buy her. Her face barely betrayed her age, and her body was just as forgiving, though Byakuya assumed that not all of that was natural. He wasn't one to judge though, it was her body after all. He was not, in the slightest, interested in it, however. And it would seem his face betrayed that.

"Are you nervous, Master Togami?" She asked, in a mocking tone of voice as she undid the high bun she had worn into the shower.

Byakuya swallowed down the lump in his throat.

"A bit, I still don't really know if I'm ready. I've never- ah. Mated." Byakuya clenched his fists to stop his shaking hands. Why was he shaking so much?

"Don't say it like that, you make it sound like a documentary." She teased, walking to the small liquor cabinet next to her vanity, "Maybe a shot will calm your nerves."

Byakuya already felt like he was going to vomit onto the hardwood floor.

"I think I'll pass." He watched her as she poured two shots of tequila anyway. The sharp smell burned his nose as she handed him the small glass.

"It can't hurt." She said with a saccharine smile. Byakuya braced himself as he threw his head back and tried not to taste the bitter liquid. Ms. Lange laughed as his face puckered at the awful flavor.

"You know, it's not all that manly to flinch like that at a drink. You're supposed to look suave and classy." She took the glass from his hand and set it on her night stand.

"Well maybe then it shouldn't taste like cleaner." Byakuya tried to scrape the taste off his tongue with his teeth and pretend he didn't feel it burn in the back of his throat.

"It's an acquired taste, you'll appreciate it when you're older."

"I don't particularly wish to acquire it."

She laughed like he had said a joke, but he wasn't so sure what was funny.

"I said that when I was your age too. But life comes at you fast."

Byakuya was amazed she could even remember being fifteen.

"So I've been told." He said in a flat affect. He didn't care for small talk. He didn't care for her.

" I know it's been a rough week for you, but you need to lighten up. C'mon, show me a smile, future Master Togami." She sat down on the bed next to him, and the movement caused him to lean into her without meaning to. She wrapped an arm around his waist the second they touched.

"It's a lot to process." Byakuya did not smile. He didn't feel like he had any reason to.

Ms. Lange just sighed at his lack-luster responses. She leaned her head on his shoulder.

Lilac. She smelled of Lilac.

"You know, you are a very lucky boy. I truly didn't think you would make it. I don't think anyone did. You really showed us all up, didn't you?" Her voice was sickly sweet.

"Luck has nothing to do with it. I've earned my place." He didn't care he didn't care he didn-

"Well, you're going to be very lucky tonight."

His heart raced.

"It would seem so."

She stood up in front of him. Byakuya didn't know when she had dropped her towel. He thought he had been paying attention.

"Are you ready?" She bent low her face only inches away from his.

No no no no no no no.

Byakuya nodded.

She closed the distance and pressed her lips against his, pushing him back onto the mattress. She crawled on top of him, grinding her hips down onto him. He noticed she hadn't asked him to take off his sweatpants. Maybe she wasn't planning to have sex with him after all. He gasped for air and she took the opportunity to force her tongue into his mouth.

She tasted like liquor and cigarettes.

He could feel blood flowing to between his legs from the friction. He cursed his body for reacting. His hands reached up to her waist and he dug his nails in. He wanted her off. He wasn't allowed to say.

"You're being a bit rough, master." She whispered as she grabbed his hands and held them above his head.

"No touching until I say, understand?"

Let me go

"Yes, ma'am." He murmured back, his voice small and wavering. He heard a chuckle that made his skin crawl.

"Good boy."

Disgusting.

She kissed his neck harshly, her teeth leaving behind marks that he was convinced would never leave. His legs kicked without him willing them to, and all she did was shift her weight to hold them down.

She knew what she was doing, Byakuya gave her that. Not that he cared. Not that his terror turned to excitement. He felt her move further and further down, his heart pounding as she inched ever closer to his waistband.

He felt her long fingernails scrape against his hip bones. A whimper escaped his lips. Not the kind he had heard in videos he watched late at night. He whimpered like a lost puppy.

"Needy, are we?" Her voice was like razors to his eardrums.

"No." he whispered as she undressed him.

She didn't hear him.

Byakuya couldn't remember the last time he felt so small.

He felt her hands on him. He felt her placing his own hands on her body. He felt her doing as she pleased with him and his body.

He stared at the unfamiliar ceiling and noticed for the first time the gold flecks in the tile.

There are 27 gold flecks in each tile.

He counted them over and over and over again.

336 gold flecks later, she finally climbed off of him.

He heard her voice but heard no words.

Even if he understood, his voice wouldn't speak.

It wasn't until he felt a sharp sting across his face that he stopped counting flecks in the ceiling.

"Byakuya, come on back down to earth, sweetheart." That damned bitch's voice again.

"I'm here." he spoke flatly, not looking at her. He couldn't stand to look at her.

"I can't say I've had anyone wander off to la la land after. But, there's a first time for everything, isn't there." She was so fucking pleased with herself.

"Yes."

"Next time, you should put some work into it. I'll let it slide this time, since it was your first, but girls aren't going to be too happy if you just lie there." She grabbed his face and it took all Byakuya had not to flinch. He gritted his teeth as she kissed his cheek. She pulled away with a little tap to where she had slapped him.

"Did you have a good time?"

Something hurts.

"Yes."

Something's lost.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it."

Something's broken.

"I'm going to the washroom, you get ready for bed." She closed the door behind her.

Byakuya stood and pulled his pants back up. He threw his much too large sleep shirt over his head and left the room.

The mansion was dark, seeing as it must be around midnight by now. Byakuya didn't know where he was going, nor did he care. He felt so lost in the unfamiliar walls. He didn't know when he had started shaking, or when he had started gasping for air. He stumbled into a room and locked the door behind him. The cool tile behind his feet told him this was a bathroom. He fumbled for the lightswitch, flinching at the sudden brightness when he found it. The mirror was right in front of him and he stared at himself.

He looked disgusting. His hair was a mess, his eyes and face were both red and wet with tears he couldn't remember crying. His lips were red and swollen. And on his neck. God, his neck.

Two bruises sat on his neck, right where Ms. Lange had kissed him. They stuck out against his pale skin like a brand. Without thinking, Byakuya flipped the faucet on and started scrubbing at the bruises. He frantically grabbed the soap bar and lathered his neck, not caring that he was soaking his shirt. He scrubbed until his neck was red. He felt those bruises suffocating him. He needed them off he had to get them off of him. Off off off off off off of-

It wasn't until he saw pink blood start to seep up from under his skin that he realized they wouldn't wash out. He looked at himself again and didn't recognize the boy staring back at him.

Father said he was a man now.

Father said he was grown.

Father said the world would no longer be kind to him.

Byakuya wished he had chosen death.

Suddenly he was only a boy, far away from home, sobbing in a bathroom.

Byakuya fell to his knees, his legs no longer supporting his trembling body. He crawled to the toilet and hurled, the taste of bile and tequila poisoning his mouth. He rested his head on the toilet seat.

"I wanna go home." He whimpered.

He let his head fall to the floor as he curled up on the floor, ignoring his aching bones, and quietly sobbed.

"Papa." The boy cried "Papa, I wanna go home."

In the morning, Byakuya smelled lilacs.

He hated lilacs.