Chapter 11
It's Thursday, the hospital is also very bright, very clean. Cas doesn't like going to hospitals. There are too many sounds. He sits in a chair that smells vaguely of urine. He tries to move to another chair- it also smells vaguely of urine.
An old man stares at him as he moves from chair to chair. Becky is up at the nurse's station. A bunch of nurses have gathered around her-
Does that mean that Dean is-
Is Dean?-
She comes back, "they were fans- I had to sign some books."
"Fans?"
"Of my book-"
"Right... And Dean?"
"He's in surgery- he'll be out soon. There were fragments. They are worried about infections, he hadn't kept up with his shots, but they gave him boosters."
"He'll be- okay? I can't do anything'-"
"Cas, you've done enough- now we just have to, hope."
"Hope-"
"Hope."
Cas tries to hope, to focus on Dean waking up, getting up, reciprocating- the staying put.
Time drags on, so slowly, millenia between heartbeats. Becky brings him a lukewarm coffee, it's watery- not very good- but he sips on it.
A haggard Sam comes out to the lobby, he sees them and comes over- "sorry Cas, I should have-"
"It's alright."
"No-"
"It's alright Sam, you had to be with your brother."
"You should be with him too, Cas."
Becky sighs.
"Becky," says Sam with widened eyes, a step back.
"She brought me here, to Canton-"
"Why did you- how did you know to find us-"
It would be awkward to explain- that Sam got gray hair with an old dog and a strange woman. That he had Dean's car and filled it up with junk. That Dean was-
Missing.
That Cas had to fix it.
"I called Dean," Becky says, "he told me where you were."
"He told you where-"
"Oh my god, Sam, I've been over this, I am not interested in you anymore," Becky says. Cas slides Becky's novel from the table into the pocket of his trench coat- the photo on the front would give her away.
"Sorry- I just-"
"It's fine Sammy, it's fine Sammy," she says patting his arm.
"Cas, I came out to say, he's out of surgery, unconscious- but out. If you want to-"
Cas stands. Becky stays behind, typing on the computer she brought. They reach the nurse's station.
"Family only, behind this point dearie," an older black woman says.
"He's Dean's husband," Sam says, without blinking an eye-
Cas loses his breath.
He didn't know that was a thing humans could do, literally-
Lose their breath.
Husband-
It's just a lie said to get him past the nurses- but it is like the butlers- something to want.
When they walk into the room, Dean is hooked up to blinking and flickering machines. Cas wants to lay his hands on him- to heal him- but he's worthless now. Not magic, not an angel- just empty of grace.
"Doctor said he might be able to hear you if you want to talk to him-" Sam says, "I'm going to run down and get some caffeine, would you stay with him for a minute."
"Of course, Sam. I'll stay right here."
The blinking lights, beeping machines, and labored breathing echo through the room.
"The first time I noticed you, was the first time I touched your arm. You were broken- you had committed horrible acts- but there was such- good inside of you. I hadn't felt something like that ever before. I realized at some point it was love."
His words flow after that first one, tumbling over each other as he tells Dean every moment and spark- all of the pieces that led him to understand what love was. That love was in the being- the hearing- the receiving- the living.
"I thought- I can say it, I can disappear, and there will be no rejection- no confusion- no-"
"No reciprocation?" asks a croaky voice from the bed. "You pulled me from hell, I pulled you from purgatory- and you thought what- that I would reject you and never speak to you- that I would make you feel bad about who you are- that you love-" he has a tear trailing down his face, "Cas- no matter what, after everything, how could you think I would just reject you."
"You never said-"
"You only said when you knew I couldn't respond- you told me to stop when I tried- you're a freaking Angel. Why would an angel love an angry drunk like me-"
"You don't see yourself like I do-"
"Ditto partner."
Cas sits back- joy creeping up into him, "so- what does this mean."
"This means that with all our mess, that we try Cas- that we don't slam the door, let hell take us, or give up when it's hard."
"It means we stay right here, then."
"It means I love you, too."
Dean pulls on his hand and pulls him down- and Castiel thinks he could get used to this kind of elicit.
Gay love pierced through the veil of death and saved his love.