"Katara, please tell me you're at work right now."
The tone of her boyfriend's voice is the one he gets when he has an idea that is simultaneously the worst and the best, and Katara feels a giddy shiver of excitement rattle her limbs.
"I am… what's going on?"
"My father is having a little get together at the landscaping place next to your building."
"Wait…" Ozai had been adamant that he would win the war for months— so adamant, in fact, that he's already declaring victory. "What?"
"He wanted to have a press conference at the Four Seasons Hotel, but someone messed up the phone numbers and called the landscaping company. I may or may not have gotten in contact with the owner's son when I heard about it, and Ozai may or may not be prepping for the meeting as we speak."
A devious smile creeps across Katara's face. "Oh, that's rich, Zuko. This is why I love you."
He chuckles, warm and inviting and a little evil, and continues.
"But listen, we need something to really drive his loss home." There's no doubt in their minds that Ozai is going to lose. The whole world is banking on it, and Katara thinks that a swift kick when he's down would make his defeat all the more sweet. "I was hoping you might have something that would really spice things up. Can you help?"
"Hmm…" Katara looks around the office of her father's crematorium, and notices the neat stack of brand-spanking-new urns in the corner. "I think I can help you out."
Xx
"Sokka, it's for a good cause, I promise!"
"Does this have anything to do with that pathetic excuse for an Ozai rally that's happening next door?" Her brother inspects her with a comically raised brow and a hand stroking his chin.
"It might..." She evades the question, but Sokka just keeps staring. "Listen, it'll be quick."
"Katara, you could give dad's business a bad name! This is bad publicity!"
"Sokka, this is fantastic publicity! Picture this—" She slings her arm around Sokka's shoulder and stretches her other arm out in front of her as if she's painting him an imaginary picture. "Ozai makes his shitty speech, I come in with a bunch of urns— that are only there due to a simple prank call— Suki and Toph show up with free toys to throw at the gobsmacked Ozai supporters, and the whole thing goes viral. Then we'll have everyone that has any sense to hate Ozai seeing our logo— our brand— pulling what could very well be the greatest prank of the modern age. That, dear brother, is great publicity."
"Hm…" Sokka stares off into the space where Katara still has her arm outstretched. "Fine."
"Yes!"
"But!" He pulls out from under her arm and lays a level glare on her, before a smirk starts to grow from the corner of his lips. "I want in."
Xx
Zuko waits anxiously around the corner of the Four Seasons Total Landscaping yard. Technically he had been kicked off his father's campaign trail back when he had given up all of Ozai's dirty secrets to Iroh for his scathing book detailing how much of a maniac his father is. But luckily for him, the intern who had been given the duty of placing the call to the Four Seasons Hotel had been too frazzled to notice that he had been given the wrong number. When Zuko had gotten word that the landscaping company had agreed to host his father's ridiculous press conference, he had immediately gone to do some reconnaissance. The man who had answered the phone, Haru, was the same age as Zuko, and had understandably thought that the call was a prank. But, with some convincing from Zuko, he and his father had agreed to host the conference anyway.
The fact that Katara works at the crematorium next door is just a bonus.
And the fact that her best friends work at the sex shop on the other side of the yard is an even greater bonus.
Zuko watches a sparse trail of people file into the landscaping company's yard after his father and his entourage. His fans wear far too much red, and all of them sport obnoxious hats with the term "Phoenix King" emblazoned on the front. There's not nearly as many people in attendance as Zuko knows his father was hoping for, but Zuko has his nice video camera ready to film the whole ordeal, and the less people there are, the better view he'll get of the chaos. His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he fishes it out with gusto.
Katara (1:03pm): how long should i wait?
Zuko thinks for a moment and peeks his head around the corner. Azula is walking around in her perfectly tailored suit shouting at the crowd in hopes of signing them on for Ozai's donation list (as if he needs more money), and his father is fixing his tie before stepping up onto the stage.
Zuko (1:05pm): like 10 minutes
Katara (1:06pm): got it. I'll tell Suki
Zuko slides his phone back into his pocket, and lets himself smile as he hears his father's voice boom out over the cheering crowd. It's showtime.
Xx
Zuko is getting tired of hearing his father's droning, over-confident voice by the time Suki and Toph walk up to him, hands full with large boxes. He notices the three large men behind them dressed in some very inappropriate gear also carrying boxes.
"Guys, this is perfect!" He can't help the giddy wobble in his voice bleed through as he clips a discrete mic to the collar of Suki's jacket. They need to audio to be crystal clear for the eventual viral audience.
"We're just doing our civic duty!" Suki positively beams at him, and he can't thank the gods enough for gifting him with the best friends a person could ask for.
"Are we waiting for Sugar Queen to get here before we head in? I wish I could see these assholes' faces when they see what's in these boxes!" Toph sounds like she's just been given a million bucks— this crazy bullshit is right up her alley.
"Yeah, Katara's going to show up first, and then you guys will head in after her." He takes a look at his watch. "Fuck, I have to get going."
He waves hastily to his friends before heading to his vantage point. He realizes again how lucky he is that the crowd is sparse; not only because it adds to Ozai's embarrassment, but also because it allows for him to get an unobstructed view of where the action will be taking place. Right when he gets the final setting on his camera correct and hits record, he hears the rumble of a diesel engine rolling up the street.
Xx
Katara drives the work truck right up into the landscaping yard, making sure to pull forward enough so that all the Ozai supporters can clearly see the crates of urns stacked in the bed. She cuts the engine. The crowd is silent as the grave (how appropriate) with all eyes turned on her as she hops out of the truck, secures her hat on her head, and grabs her clipboard.
"What is the meaning of this?!" Zuko's sister and Ozai's campaign manager, Azula, stalks up to Katara with a face so red that she's surprised it isn't melting.
"I have those urns you ordered!" Katara projects her voice just enough so that the crowd can hear her loud and clear.
"What are you talking about?!" Azula hisses with wild eyes. "We didn't order any urns! Can't you see that this is an official event?!"
"Sorry ma'am, I have an order to be picked up at this location, at this time, for about one thousand urns." The crowd murmurs, and Katara has to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. "We even managed to get them all engraved in time—"
"Wait!" Right on cue, Sokka comes running around the corner in full uniform, shouting and arms waving frantically in the air. "Wait! The engravings are wrong!"
"What do you mean, wrong? They all say 'Phoenix King' like the order said!"
"WHAT?!" Azula shouts, and Katara thinks her head might explode right then and there.
"No, they messed up!" Sokka is a great actor, and his mouth doesn't even twitch as he continues. "They say 'Phoenix KINK,' not 'Phoenix King'!"
"This is ridiculous!" Azula screeches over the increasing volume of the crowd.
"What is going on here?" Ozai is beet-faced as he speaks into the microphone. "This is a private event!"
"Delivery!"
Katara almost breaks character as three burly men in some revealing leather gear walk into the space carrying large boxes, all of them very clearly marked as either "dildos," "strap ons," or "cock rings."
"What the hell is this?!" Ozai practically screams into the microphone, and audible gasps ring out from the small cluster of people who stand in front of the podium.
To Katara's delight, a few of them skirt around the edges of the crowd and slip out onto the street to escape.
"This is the delivery you ordered!" Suki answers, her voice more cheery than Katara's ever heard it. The box in her hands is labelled "rope & chains." "We had an order for a bunch of toys to be delivered to a gathering happening here today!"
"We even brought free lube!" Toph pipes up from her place next to Suki, and upends her box so that all of the trial sized lube containers spill out and onto the ground.
People in the crowd scream— at the sight of lube, of all things— and a handful more of them run out into the street. Katara's eyes water as she holds back her laughs, and Suki directs her assistants to start handing supplies out to anyone that is still around, even if they're working for Ozai's team. Azula is screaming in her ear, and Ozai's gripping the podium so hard she thinks it might snap under his fingers. She may very well get arrested, but it's all worth it to see the look in all his supporters' eyes.
Xx
Later that night, the five of them sit in Katara and Zuko's apartment piled on the couch in front of the TV. Somehow they had all gotten away scott-free— it may have had something to do with some of the calls that Zuko made (he is still the son of the soon-to-be-deposed Fire Lord), but they can't be sure. Sokka brought the booze, Suki brought the pizza, and Toph brought the weed. After Zuko had edited the video to perfection, they had all gotten rightfully blasted, and have been sitting on the couch enjoying the footage of Ozai's greatest embarrassment on loop for the past two hours. The video had gone viral in just a few hours after he had posted it, and has over 400 thousand retweets on Zuko's burner twitter account. Tiktoks duetting and stitching the video are rolling out at a punishing pace, and it's been giving them plenty of fuel to keep their buzz going all night long.
"Would it be weird if I wanted to play this at our wedding?" Zuko slurs into Katara's hair as he tugs her body closer into his where they sit on the worn couch.
"Yes," Katara answers seriously. "But I'll allow it."