Saavik stayed in her room at the hotel until night fell. Not hiding, she told herself, just regrouping. If she were a more proper Vulcan, she would have spent that time meditating, but as her blood scans would show, she was not a proper Vulcan. And blood scans couldn't detect all the emotions she was letting bubble to the surface, such as fear, sorrow, fury and all of the loathing.
She knew she would have to work to quickly overcome that particular feeling, because for the next year she would be undergoing countless exams. She'd allowed her medical records to be unsealed for Vulcan healers only, but those only provided baselines. Her time on Genesis, her half-Romulan blood, and the fetus meant that there was no precedent for how her pregnancy would progress. It seemed like every time she opened her PADD to review her own medical file, another healer or team of healers had been added to her case.
In a few days she would meet with a team who specialized in Vulcan fertility and genetic combining. She clicked on Healer Sorel's name to bring up his profile. As one of the two team directors, he appeared to be highly qualified, with a string of degrees and accolades attached to his name. Selecting the second director's profile brought a surprise: he was a human doctor. And his list of degrees, awards, and publications was just as prolific as Healer Sorel's.
While the profiles didn't give specifics on how many successful offspring they had produced, it was evident that their successes spanned decades, more than half a century. Scrolling back up the list of publications and doing the math, Saavik concluded that this was the team responsible for Spock's birth.
Spock… Saavik placed the PADD on the desk and closed her eyes. She was unable to quell a storm of emotions when she thought of him. She had cried tears during Kirk's eulogy, affected by her own endless well of suffering and by the waves of anguish radiating from the Admiral. Finding him resurrected on Genesis was such a shock, she hadn't had time to process. She'd had to focus on surviving and getting him safely off the planet with David.
Beautiful, soft, gentle David. She hadn't allowed herself to love him, but she knew she could have. Anytime that warm feeling had pushed to be acknowledged, she had stomped it down, distracting herself with fierce possessiveness and passion. There was safety in those emotions: they equated to survival and instinct. As a child, there had been no room for weaknesses like love and tenderness. It was fight or die. Hellguard destroyed those with compassion and love through starvation, murder, or Romulan death experiments.
In David, Saavik had found everything she was missing in herself, everything she wasn't allowed to be. He had been open with his heart, not shy about voicing his hopes and fears. He had been so tender with her, even in bed, treating her like a precious jewel. Being with him had felt like safety; his arms a home she'd never had before. He had radiated emotion, but far from being embarrassed or repulsed by it, Saavik had allowed herself to indulge and wrap herself in his expressions of feelings like a borrowed cloak.
She had not ever sensed a gram of fierceness in him. She had believed him to be the antithesis of a warrior. And that was an error that had resulted in his death. On that dying planet, in a moment of suspense, she had made her peace with dying by that Klingon's hand, and she had failed to react in time to refuse David's protection. The shame would be a wound she would carry always, cutting deeper than any Klingon blade. She was the warrior and the Starfleet officer; her hands would never be clean of his blood.
Upon learning about her pregnancy hours ago, she'd demanded a paternity test, hopeful that a small part of David lived on in her. But it was logical that it was Spock's progeny she carried. Pon farr triggered heightened fertility in both parties, and her DNA, almost fully Vulcan practically, was more closely aligned with Spock's. So Spock literally lived on, in body, soul, and offspring, while David was entirely dead.
"Damn. Damn it!" She wiped the tears roughly from her face and stood to pace around her room.
Most cruel was the realization that she was entirely erased from the memories in Spock's katra. She wondered if he would ever recall their relationship as it had been, as mentor and student. Does he only see me now as a mate, or worse, just someone he mated with? Does he even remember that much? Am I so inconsequential?
A surge of overwhelming emotion washed over her, overwhelming her mind. When it passed, the desk chair was across the room, one leg broken, and the desk was overturned. Hot burning shame took her, and she bolted from the room.
She prowled the halls of the hotel, chanting a mantra of "calm, collect, suppress, overcome," and the words were in Spock's voice in her mind.
Vulcans required much less sleep that humans, sometimes going days at a time without it. As a result, she encountered more people in the public areas of the hotel than she ever did when she had haunted the halls of Starfleet Academy and, later, starships. At the academy, she grew familiar with the nocturnal species, and on the starships it was only the skeleton night shift of mostly humans.
But the hotel's halls, lobbies, and meditation alcoves were inhabited by mostly Vulcans. The urge to run, hide, defend was strong. Could Vulcans instantly tell when another was pregnant? Was her situation as blaringly obvious as she felt?
She passed by a meditation alcove and detected a familiar voice: Sulu's deep baritone was quiet but distinctive. She couldn't make out exactly what he was whispering, so she approached the doorless opening to the alcove. What she spotted made her immediately retreat: Sulu had another body pinned up against the wall, his companion's face buried in his neck. She didn't stay long enough to tell who it was or if everyone's clothing was intact, but in her retreat, she heard a single gasped exclamation from Sulu's companion, "да ну!"
Her disgust warred with envy, and she attempted to suppress both. While she would never desecrate an honored public place such as a meditation alcove, the memory of a particularly passionate kiss with David in a turbolift overwhelmed her. There would be no more risky semi-public making out for her.
Her feet continued to carry her forward, and she found herself in a small lounge. Comfortable chairs were sparsely grouped around knee-high tables. The lighting was low but warm, mostly coming off small fire pits situated around the room.
"Lieutenant Saavik?" She turned to see Commanders Uhura and Scott occupying a table. They each had drinks, and a few empty glasses littered the surface of the table. "Would you like to join us?"
No. "I do not wish to intrude." Especially if these two were also engaging in courting rituals. She wasn't sure if she wanted company, and definitely wasn't sure how she felt about such familiar company. The ease of human conversation sometimes lulled her into divulging more than she intended, and she was carrying a secret that she would be keeping until she worked out whether to reveal it to Spock.
"Ach, lass, sit down. The Commander and I are just reminiscing about old times. Hardly interesting stuff to yeh, but you'll not be intrudin'."
Saavik pulled a chair near Uhura's. "On the contrary, Captain Spock once sent me a training tape that consisted of only a single-take recording of the Enterprise bridge on an uneventful day. I have viewed it 73 times in its entirety."
Scotty and Uhura both chuckled. Uhura smiled fondly in contrast to her words. "Oh, I hated recording those. There was always this pressure to look perfect and to remember to act completely professional. I think we had to abandon several tries because McCoy would come barrelling onto the bridge shouting about something."
"Aye. Cussing a blue streak."
"I hope he's doing okay." Uhura frowned, and Saavik agreed wordlessly. She and McCoy had not 'gotten off on the best foot' when she'd met him as a cadet, but she'd grown to understand how competent, gentle, and kind he could be. No Vulcan had endured fal-tor-pan in a very long time, and McCoy was the first off worlder. There was no way to tell how his mind would adjust, and Saavik suddenly felt a little less sorry for herself. Conception of a hybrid Vulcan-Human-Romulan was unheard of, but her ancestors and countless others had survived difficult pregnancies before the advent of tools, language, and medicine.
"Well, Lady Amanda will be sure to look after him. Though I wouldn't want to be holed up with Ambassador Sarek. Right intimidating that one," Scotty mused into his glass.
"'Holed up'?" Saavik asked.
"Aye, Leonard is staying with Sarek and Amanda at the estate outside of the city with Captain Spock and Admiral Kirk. Though they're missin' out on this very fine hotel. But you know how Lady Amanda can be; she'll have Len healed up and fattened up before I get that Bird space ready."
"I am unfamiliar with how Lady Amanda 'can be'." The air quotes were evident in Saavik's words. "Though Spock did speak of her with admiration."
Uhura started to place a comforting hand on Saavik's arm, but pulled it back quickly. "You've never met Spock's parents? I seem to remember you lived with him for about a year."
Saavik was reluctant to detail her past, even though she classified Uhura and, to a point, Scotty as friends. They were some of the few Federation citizens who had visited or even had knowledge of Hellguard, but her childhood, even after escaping that horror, was complicated. The few people who knew the details expressed how 'difficult it must have been.' Though Saavik found that sentiment to be one of privilege: she had been fed, sheltered, and shielded from harm. Everything else on the hierarchy of needs Saavik considered to be opulent.
"I believe they were aware of my status as Spock's student. Spock is a very private person, and he has never divulged many details about his relationship with his parents or his own childhood."
"Oh, I bet they would love to meet you, baby," Uhura crooned. "You should contact Lady Amanda. Besides, visiting their estate will give you time with Spock."
It was so obvious that Saavik made a note to investigate if her cognitive functions were impaired by her time on Genesis or perhaps her medical situation. Lady Amanda and Ambassador Sarek were experienced in hybrid conception, and their knowledge and advice could prove valuable. She was not ready to face Spock, but Scotty had called their house an estate. Perhaps it was large enough that she could visit without encountering him.
"I shall consider it. Thank you for your suggestion."
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Saavik was fidgeting. She'd always had a host of energetic habits, and while she'd learned to suppress them (because proper Vulcans did not fidget), right now her control was at its limit. As she twirled the fork between her fingers, she concentrated on breathing exercises in an effort to stop her shaking hands.
Lady Amanda was six minutes overdue to meet for lunch at one of the hotel restaurants. Saavik read and reread the comm-mail explaining and apologizing for her tardiness. Perhaps it is not too late to reschedule this meeting until I am more composed, she thought. She was on the seventh re-read when the maitre d' approached, escorting a small, older human woman to Saavik's table.
"Saavik, live long and prosper." Saavik stood (bumping the table slightly with her hip) and returned the Vulcan salute and greeting. The maitre d' helped Amanda get situated. "Thank you, Tuka. I never had the chance to congratulate you on the publication of your research in the Federation Cultural Journal. Ambassador Sarek has it queued in his reading list."
"I appreciate your words, Lady Amanda." He dipped his head in a single nod. "Your waiter today is T'Luka."
Saavik noticed that the young Vulcan waitress standing slightly back and looking quite eager bore great resemblance to the maitre d', and hypothesized that they were related. She could sense a wave of pride coming off the older man.
"Oh!" Amanda said, suppressing a smile. "Last time I saw you T'Luka, you were barely a meter tall, not that long ago. Are you sure you're old enough to be working or is this establishment breaking child labor laws?" she teased.
T'Luka's face went stony. "I assure you we observe all regulations, laws, and guidelines completely. I began my service training 4.3 months ago upon my reaching the minimum regulated age for this category of labor."
Amanda openly smiled now and exchanged a glance with Tuka. "Tuka, T'Luka, this is Lieutenant Saavik. She is a student of my son."
Saavik had been content to observe the exchange unnoticed, but now held her hand up in greeting.
"Welcome, Lieutenant. You have followed your teacher into Starfleet," Tuka observed. "Lady Amanda, please give my regards to Misters Sarek and Spock. It would be prudent to allow T'Luka to serve you as I return to my station."
Amanda and Saavik took their menus from the eager waitress, and Saavik suppressed an illogical urge to hide behind hers. Amanda allowed a few moments of silence before starting the conversation; it was obvious to her trained eye that Saavik was either nervous or agitated. "Saavik, it is my greatest pleasure that we finally meet. Spock gave me updates about your progress through the years. I constantly pestered him to bring you for a visit."
Saavik was at a loss for words for a moment. "I was unaware that Captain Spock regarded my progress as information important enough to discuss with you and Ambassador Sarek."
"Well, I don't know how much you know about Spock and Sarek's relationship, but it's had its rough patches. But yes, Spock speaks about you fondly."
Saavik frowned slightly. "Fondness is an emotion."
"It is, indeed." Amanda's eyes were sparkling, and Saavik surmised that she was being teased. She discovered that she didn't mind. "I've been dying to meet you. I wanted so much to attend your graduation ceremony, but he didn't tell us about it until afterwards. If he'd told me you had advanced enough to skip a term, I would have figured out your graduation date and shown up anyway. Sarek and I have a standing diplomatic invitation to all Starfleet formal functions."
Fortunately T'Luka arrived with their meal, giving Saavik more time to compose herself and determine how to steer the conversation. For some time they ate in silence, and Amanda picked up the thread of conversation by explaining how she had known Tuka and T'Luka since her first day on Vulcan as Sarek's betrothed. T'Luka's mother, Tuka's wife, had even spent a few years living with Amanda and Sarek as a young woman after her parents were both lost, presumed dead, when their starship was ambushed and destroyed by Orion pirates. It was during that time that Amanda had introduced Tuka to his future wife. "And the rest is history."
"It was very kind of you to open your home to her."
"Sarek accuses me of taking in all the strays, but he has done his fair share of it." A wistful, sad look crossed Amanda's features for a moment. "I don't think anyone was surprised when Spock took you in. He grew up with plenty of foster siblings."
"If I may ask a question in reference to an earlier point in our conversation: why would my graduation from the Academy be of importance to you? We were not acquainted at that time."
Amanda levelled an enigmatic look at her dining companion. "Spock was so proud that you decided to follow him into Starfleet. He's proud of everything you do. And what's important to Spock is important to me, especially because of how important you are to Spock."
Saavik dropped her eyes to the table and suppressed a swell of emotions. She was aware that Spock approved of her enrollment at the academy and subsequent high marks. But pride was an emotion. Surely Lady Amanda was incorrectly assigning emotional significance to his words.
"I believe you are overestimating my place in Spock's regards. After the ceremony, it does not seem that he has any memory of me. Perhaps to him, I am now merely a Starfleet officer whom he spent a short acquaintance with on Genesis."
"I have faith his memories will return," Amanda assured. "Each hour seems to bring more and more back. Besides, you weren't just acquainted on Genesis. You saved his life." Saavik shot a wide-eyed look that Amanda could only call panic. "Jim Kirk says that you protected him from Klingons and provided food, water, and shelter. Is that not right?"
Saavik's panic seemed to pass. "Yes. Yes that is correct. However, his rapid aging and the effects of the Genesis planet are uncertain. He seemed to be in so much distress on the planet, so I would expect that he had little thought left for the strangers that were with him during the ordeal."
"Please come pay him a visit at the house. The healers think that one of the best ways to get his memories to return is to expose him to the things and people most familiar to him. His memories about Jim Kirk and the Enterprise seem to be improving by leaps and bounds."
"That is logical. But those are the most valuable to him."
"My point exactly," Amanda replied. Saavik remained withdrawn for some time until their meal was coming to an end. When Amanda declined dessert and coffee, Saavik could see her opportunity waning. She was unsure if she would find the courage to make contact with Amanda again. "Well, Saavik, I am sincere when I say that it's been a pleasure meeting you. I would like to return to be with Spock, but you're welcome to come."
Saavik took a deep breath and rushed out, "Lady Amanda, I would be most grateful if you would join me in my hotel room for a drink." At Amanda's perplexed but patient expression, Saavik knew she had to explain further. "There is a deeply personal matter that I wish to discuss. Your insight would be uniquely suited."
"Of course, Saavik. Lead the way."
The short trip out of the restaurant, to the lift, and through the labyrinthine halls seemed to take ages as adrenaline pulsed through Saavik. Either Amanda sensed her agitation or she was merely chatty, but she kept up a running commentary of innocuous trivia and reminiscing about the hotel ("It's one of the most ancient buildings in the region; it was originally a feast hall…") and the dignitaries she and Sarek had hosted.
In her room, Saavik served Amanda peppermint tea from the replicator, and Saavik chose a Vulcan tea of her own, though she didn't drink it. Amanda sipped in silence, waiting for Saavik to broach the subject. After some time, she took the first step. "What can I help you with?"
Instead of replying, Saavik stood from her (new) desk chair to pace. She could sense that she was clearly broadcasting anxiety and agitation, but couldn't muster the control to hide it. Finally she took a deep breath, willing calmness. It was logical to proceed with the conversation. "Spock is half human." Amanda waited, understanding that this was obviously not a question, and that Saavik needed to work up to her point. "You… Forgive me for asking such personal questions. You may refuse to answer."
"I cannot refuse or acquiesce until I know the question."
"Yes, that is logical. When you were… carrying him, was the pregnancy difficult?"
Amanda set her tea down on its saucer and folded her hands on the desk. "Spock is the only pregnancy I carried to term, and that's because we prepared for almost a year for it. So I don't have a personal frame of reference. But my doctors all agree that it was more risky and more stressful for my body than the average Vulcan or Human pregnancy."
Saavik sat back in her chair. Her eyes were wide with curiosity. "You prepared for it?"
"Yes, combining Vulcan and Human DNA successfully had never been done. Believe it or not, merging DNA was the easy part. I took supplements and went through minor genetic modification to temporarily sustain a high level of copper in my blood because the difference in blood composition is the most fundamental hurdle."
"The fetus was experiencing iron overdose," Saavik presumed.
"Other way around. My body adjusted to absorb and circulate all the copper I could get. But it wasn't enough for Spock, and too much for me. The excess of iron didn't seem to affect him as much as the copper deficiency." Her expression turned dark and sad, but she quickly recovered. "But that was Spock. There was a pregnancy early on in my engagement to Sarek that we were unprepared for and did not have the opportunity to monitor, so I don't know how iron may have affected it. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I miscarried."
"I grieve with thee." Saavik bent her head solemnly. She was trying to prepare herself for the very likely outcome that her own pregnancy would end in a similar matter, but she wondered how she would approach the situation if the pregnancy were with a bondmate.
"Thank you. That was so long ago, and I've told very few people about it. But I was so determined to have a child with Sarek. He was concerned and deemed it an illogical wish, but he didn't stand in my way. We got Spock on our very first try. It was a miracle."
"It was science," Saavik countered.
"Why can't it be both?" Saavik didn't reply, contemplating her point. Amanda continued, "I carried him about two thirds of the way, then they removed him, uterus, placenta, and all to finish gestating in a bespoke incubator."
Saavik unconsciously placed her hands across her stomach, unseen under the table by Amanda. "You made a great sacrifice."
"It is likely, Saavik, that one day you'll have children of your own, and you won't think twice about making sacrifices for them. Spock was worth every injection, procedure, ache, pain, and risk that it took to get him. And having him back now is causing me to remember it all over again. I feel every moment I spend away from him."
Saavik couldn't suppress the guilt she felt. She'd wanted to meet with Amanda somewhere where there wasn't a chance to encounter Spock when she was unprepared. Amanda was giving up much to wait while Saavik procrastinated on making her point.
Bluntness and abruptness were two traits she'd worked hard to overcome from her youth. But neither had fully left her. She employed those skills now. "I am pregnant."
Amanda smiled; she did not appear to be surprised. "Congratulations!"
Saavik shook her head. "Why would you congratulate me? You do not know whether the pregnancy is fortuitous."
"The fact that our bodies continue to function in their ability to foster new life is cause enough for celebration. Even if you choose to terminate, there is a brief time in which you participated in nature's most wondrous invention."
This was agreeable to Saavik, especially as it seemed Amanda was openly addressing the potential to terminate. It was an option she had not ruled out.
"Do you want to tell me more? I'm guessing the father is human? Or at least not Vulcan? Oh!" A thought came to Amanda. "Your Romulan blood…"
Saavik hadn't looked up at Amanda for several moments. "He is not Vulcan, at least not fully. I am less concerned with the mixing of Vulcan and Romulan blood. The Human blood is of greater concern."
The silence was deafening. Saavik found herself completely unable to speak as the pieces fell into place for Amanda.
"Spock?" Amanda's whisper was full of awe.
Saavik curled in on herself. She refused to let tears fall; she considered her tears at Spock funeral one of her greatest failings. How could I do this to her? Why did I bring her here? Why am I telling her this? I should have terminated and told no one. Ever. I wish she would leave and never contact me again. As Saavik started to come out of her head and become more aware of her surroundings, she realized she was shaking. Then she realized Amanda was crouched down at her side, murmuring soothing words. She wasn't touching Saavik, having so many years of experience with Vulcan culture and taboos, but Saavik found she wouldn't have minded.
"Yes," she choked out. Finally, she was able to fight the vice on her lungs and draw in a full breath. After four breaths, she found her control returning, and she uncurled. "I apologize for my display. I am finding it difficult to suppress my emotions."
Amanda urged Saavik to take her Vulcan tea, if nothing else than for something warm to grip. "It is illogical to apologize for matters that are out of your control."
Saavik sipped the tea and tugged her tunic back into place. "Then I apologize for keeping you from your son for so long this afternoon. And for forcing you to share this burden."
"Nonsense. I'm relieved you've come to me." Amanda pondered her own tea for a moment, then nodded her head once. "You must come back to the estate with me. We have so much to discuss."
Saavik pursed her lips. "I cannot."
"You will not have to see Spock. I won't even tell him you are there. I can see you're reluctant to talk to him, and now I understand. But I was not exaggerating when I was saying that every moment away from him is hard, so I wish to return and at least by nearby in case he needs anything. Come back with me so we can talk. Please."
Saavik drained her tea and stood, arming herself with her PADD. "I concede."