This takes place during and after the finale of 7x13. Hope you enjoy
Jay hated hospitals. It was a well established fact. And yet, there he was for the second time in almost two months, surrounded by that horrible reek.
He had subconsciously associated hospitals with death. His fellow rangers, his mother, his father, Olinksi…. Deep down inside he knew where this was going. He knew that the doctor would not bring news of hope.
He always hated the waiting. It made him feel useless.
He had to get out of there. He knew that he could not offer anything more than support to Kim and Adam. He also knew that he had to help Emma track down her mother and that was all the motive he needed. He was given the chance to get out of that place and man, he grabbed it. As much as he hated leaving Hailey alone on a situation like this, he left without second thoughts asking his partner to call him as soon as news got out.
It didn't take long.
About an hour later, right after reaching Emma's mother, his phone rang.
Usually, when Hailey calls him he does not let the phone ring twice. But this time it was different. Even his ringtone somehow sounded morbid.
The detective bit his lip, took the phone in his hand and reluctantly answered it.
"Hey," he softly said fearing to hear his partner's voice for the first time.
Hailey had no words to speak. He subtle sniffle gave her away.
Jay closed his eyes and sighed. "Stay right there. I am coming to get you."
Ten minutes later she was already waiting for him at the hospital's entrance. Her shoulders tensed and her eyes red.
She quickly jumped into the car but before she even buckled her seatbelt, Jay's hand reached for her.
She looked at him startled. Her partner was never the one to initiate any form of physical contact.
Jay let his fingers entwine with hers and tightened his grip in a desperate attempt to comfort her. Kim was the closest person Hailey had to a sister.
"They are going to get through this," he reassured her looking deep into her blue eyes. "And we are going to be there for them along the way."
The blonde detective nodded and fought desperately fought back her tears. She hated crying. It made her feel vulnerable. But somehow she always felt vulnerable in front of her partner. Maybe because he had chosen to see beyond her weaknesses.
The ride home was awfully quiet. Neither had the right words to say. As a unit, they had all been through hell. But they had never experienced the loss of an unborn child.
As soon as they reached Hailey's apartment, she hesitated to get out the car. She just stared at the window for a few seconds.
Finally, she gathered all her strength and uttered the words.
"Do you mind staying with me for a while?"
Jay's eyes widened in shock. Every time there was a crisis, his partner always preferred the comfort of solitude.
"Please?" she softly begged. "I am not sure I want to be alone right now. Vanessa will be spending the night at a friend's house."
"Of course," Jay nodded and immediately parked the car.
As soon as they walked into the apartment they both headed towards the kitchen. In absolute sync, Jay grabbed the whiskey and Hailey the bottles. If there was ever a time for alcohol, that was it.
They both sat on the kitchen counter and drank the first round without talking. Though, they both though of making a toast. On the other hand though, who they would be toasting to? To Kim and Adam? To their unborn baby? Was it a girl? Was it a boy? Guess they would never find out.
Finally, after the second shot of whiskey Hailey broke the silence.
"Do you think they will get over it?" she asked starring down the bottom of the glass.
"Yes," Jay responded in absolute confidence. "If anyone can come out stronger from a tragedy like this, it is them."
"She knew better than to be out there alone," Hailey's words came out a little harsher than intended.
"I know," Jay nodded. "But you would have done the same."
Hailey glared at him in disbelief. "No, I wouldn't. When you are pregnant you are responsible for that life growing inside you. Heroic acts and savior's syndrome have no place in your life any more. Your first priority must always be the baby."
Jay's eyes were staring down at her saying nothing. On some level his partner was right. Kim should have waited for backup.
"I am sure Kim will carry that guilt for the rest of her life. The best we can do is support her," he finished his second glass and poured another.
"Of course I am going to support her," Hailey run her fingers through her hair. "She is my family, they both are."
"Do you ever think about it?" Jay asked.
"What?"
"Starting a family," his voice sounded almost like a whisper.
Hailey swallowed hard, clearly surprised by his question.
"Sometimes," she drank another sip of whiskey to avoid his piercing green eyes. "You?"
Jay softly smiled at her. "Sometimes."
"What's stopping you?" Hailey rested her cheek on her palm curious to hear his answer.
"Our job I guess," he shrugged his shoulders.
"That's a cliché excuse. Al had kids, Antonio has kids, even Voight had a kid," she crossed her hand in front of her chest in defense.
"Exactly, they all had kids but none had their happily ever after,"
Hailey teared up in front of the ugly truth. Voight had lost his son. Al was dead and so was one of his daughters and Antonio was in rehab.
"Don't get me wrong," Jay kept going. "I love my job. Helping people on a daily basis completes me. But when I do get married and have kids I do not want them to live in fear. Fear that I might not make it home by dinner. No one deserves that agony."
Hailey raised her glass with both hand and grinned. "So what are you going to do? Quit and become what, a taxi driver or something?"
"No," a soft chuckle escaped his lips. "I don't know, I could do something to help all the veterans coming home. "
"That is really nice," Hailey raised her eyebrows in hesitation. "Do you think you are up for it though?"
"What do you mean?"
"Look Jay, I know you like to pretend that everything is fine. That you have overcome whatever traumas you brought back from the war. But I am telling you right here and now, I am not buying it."
Suddenly Jay felt pinned down by her intense blue eyes.
He nervously licked his lips and tried to divert her gaze but he knew there was no escape. Besides, if he could ever talk to anyone about it, that would be his blonde partner.
"If we are doing this, I am going to need more booze," he awkwardly tried to joke and poured another glass of whiskey which he drank in one shot.
"I was stationed in Korangal Valley along with my buddy Mouse. Actually, I got him a job here in intelligence but you never got to meet him because he decided to go back. Anyway, we were in the lead humvee of a convoy when we got ambushed."
Jay stopped for a second and had another shot of his liquid courage. Hailey was starting to get worried. She had never seen drink that much, not even at Molly's.
"Where was I? Right, ambushed," he continued. "Several fellow rangers died that day and as sure as hell thought I would to."
Suddenly, he gently took Hailey's hand and placed it on the scar on his neck. She had noticed that subtle scar since day one but never found the nerve to ask about it. She traced with her soft finger his rough skin and slowly pulled away to let him go on.
"That day Mouse was shot in the leg and a shrapnel hit me on the neck. We were both bleeding quite heavily but instead of letting us die the Afghans took us hostages. To be honest, I can't recall much of the details of the next couple of days. I was bleeding, freezing cold and in tremendous pain. There is no need to get into details about the torture methods they used. I just remember praying to God to let me and Mouse die."
Hailey had stopped drinking. Her eyes were red trying to hold back her tears. She knew Jay had demons, but this was beyond her fears.
"Like I said, I don't remember much after that. Last thing I know, I woke up at the hospital here in Chicago."
"What about the nightmares you have been having?" Hailey risked asking.
Jay looked at her curiously. How did she know about his nightmares?
Hailey must had read his thoughts and justified her question. "Adam once told me he found you sleeping at the office."
Damn it Adam, he though. A little discretion between two co-workers would have been nice.
There was no escape now. He had willingly opened Pandora's box so he felt obliged to play along.
"Well, the psychiatrist called it Survivor's Guilt. My nightmares are not only about the people I couldn't save. They are related to all of you too. "
Hailey looked at him puzzled.
Jay looked distressed right into his partner's eyes. "I watch all of you die and I can't do anything to stop it. I watch YOU die. I can't afford to lose you. Everyone in my life either leaves or dies. Something is wrong with me and I don't know how to fix me. "
"There is nothing wrong with you. You hear me? Don't ever say that again." Hailey reached out and took his hand in hers, her thumb gently stroking his skin. Even though her house was fairly warm Jay's hand's were ice cold.
"You are freezing," she now used both hands to rub of the chill.
Suddenly, he could feel his heartbeat accelerate. His head was pounding, probably due to the whiskey but all he could focus on was the heat radiating from Hailey's hands. A hurricane of emotions started consuming him. He wanted to feel more than just her hands. He wanted to touch her bare skin, kiss her soft lips, feel her beating heart.
Was that the alcohol talking? Maybe. Maybe not.
Whatever the case, that wasn't the time for any big declarations of love. Wait. What? Love? Did he just think of the L word? Was that real? Was it love he had been feeling all this time?
Hailey saw his inner struggle painted in his eyes. "Ok, that's enough whiskey for you tonight."
She took his glass away from his reach, walked towards him and helped him get up. He wasn't blackout level drunk, but there was no way she was letting him drive home in that condition.
"Ok big guy," she threw herself under his shoulder to support him. "Let's get you in bed."
His pupils were clearly dilated and his walk unstable. She made a mental note to herself.
Jay gets drunk after 5 whiskeys. Good to know.
She slowly led him to her bedroom and pulled the covers to help him lay down. To her surprise he didn't even try to protest. He seemed surrendered.
As soon as he head hit the pillow he could smell Hailey's intoxicating scent. Magnolia and Vanilla. He closed his eyes and breathed it in, pulling the pillow tight close to his chest as if he was holding her in his arms.
Just like that, for the first time in a long time he fell asleep without any nightmares. Only dreams of a promising future.