ap·pe·ten·cy
/ˈapədənsē/
noun
a longing or desire.
a natural tendency or affinity.
Saying June did not expect her day to unfold like this was an understatement.
She was still trying to wrap her mind around this arrangement she had agreed to. Not that she had a choice in the matter, but the predicament she found herself in was so surreal that it made her wonder if the accepting her fate as a failed Handmaid might have been the better option.
"The Commander will be in his office until the Ceremony tonight," Serena Joy's voice droned distantly in the background. They were standing close enough to speak in a whisper, but June was miles away.
Even in the cool outside air of the yard, she felt like she was going to be sick. She breathed slowly through her nose, trying to ease her discomfort so she wouldn't vomit on the roses. Serena Joy's words from earlier still rang in her head: He already agreed.
How the hell did that conversation go?
June tried to imagine Nick's reaction to Mrs. Waterford politely asking him to fuck the Handmaid. Was he hesitant? Disgusted? Agreeable?
She really wanted to know.
"You have one hour."
June nodded, only vaguely listening, her head full of fog as her eyes locked on the garage across the grounds. Serena Joy took her by the arm, pulling her to face her, her nails biting half moons into her skin.
"Offred, I will make sure you went through with it when you get back."
The chilling seriousness in her voice froze June.
Looks like Nick wasn't going to be the only one touching the Handmaid inappropriately today.
There was no way Serena Joy could know this, but the growing feelings June had been harboring for Nick were some of her most precious possessions in a world where she wasn't allowed to own anything. She tended to them nightly like a little secret garden, with gentle words and a cultivating touch.
And Serena could turn anything to ash with a single look.
At least Mrs. Waterford wasn't going to be accompanying her on the sick little fundamentalist excursion she'd planned. God forbid she risk her life being directly involved with an illegal affair, should the two of them get caught in their illicit act.
June resigned herself to what was about to happen. There was no turning back now. Not that she had a choice.
"Yes, Mrs. Waterford."
She ran.
Well, she walked quickly, but the adrenaline was pumping, her legs were moving, and for a second she could have felt like a free woman as she made her way across the driveway and up the stairs to the carriage house. She was vibrating with fear, but also excitement for this forbidden thing she was about to do.
What will it be like? Will he be rough? Will he be gentle?
Will he be as disinterested in my body as the Commander?
June knocked meekly, glancing around for signs of patrolling Guardians. She could see Serena Joy standing near the solarium in her blue dress, watching closely. It annoyed her, that pleading look in her eyes, knowing what it was she wanted out of this so badly.
The door creaked open, and there was Nick's face. When their eyes met June felt a jolt of trepidation, her legs now seemingly unable to move.
"Blessed day," was all she could say.
Nick didn't respond, only gently took her arm and guided her inside before anyone could see. His grasp was soft compared to Serena Joy's. He closed the door behind her and the whole world narrowed down to this room.
June had never been inside Nick's apartment before. It was so quaint, intimate – nothing like the main house. Shelves were lined with his personal books and belongings, instead of locked-up bibles and sterile decor. She could tell he had been tinkering with something at the kitchen table that was strewn with tools.
Somehow his energy had filled this little place and made it feel as warmly familiar as he.
"So, uh…" Nick's voice carried an uncertainty that brought June back to this very moment.
Oh, right. We're supposed to procreate.
It seemed as menial a task as doing the dishes.
June turned to face him. Nick was fidgeting with a pinky finger. She could tell he was nervous as he stammered out, "I, uh— I can just tell Mrs. Waterford that we did it."
"It won't work. She's going to check when I get back."
Nick's face turned pale when he realized what that meant. His jaw clenched and he averted his eyes, "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," June found herself saying in a darkly casual tone. The increasing strangeness of the Waterford household was the least of her long list of worries right now.
A long beat stretched between them, thick with the apprehension of what they were about to do.
"We have an hour," June said, finally breaking the silence. She didn't know how long Nick would need, but they may as well get to it.
"Right," Nick cleared his throat, "How do you want to do it?"
June blinked. When was the last time someone asked her that? She didn't even know how to answer anymore, so she looked around and muttered, "The bed?"
He huffed in amusement, "No, I mean— do you want me to, uh…"
And he stepped closer.
All she could hear was the floorboards creaking and the blood rushing in her ears as he approached her, stopping only a few inches away. June was suddenly hyper aware of Nick's presence. His scent was faintly of cigarettes and cedar. She could feel the heat radiating off his body, reminding her of the night he brought her ice for her bruised face and touched her fingers.
She wondered what he'd say if she told him that night had a place in her secret garden of thoughts, and she's replayed it in her mind while sliding a hand between her legs.
Nick cupped June's face with both hands. In the dark brown pools of his eyes she could see a maelstrom of emotions. Anxiety, shame, fear… excitement? His pupils were dilated as he looked at her, and June realized there was a possibility that he's wanted her just as badly as she's wanted him.
So when he traced her bottom lip with his thumb in a question, she parted her lips to allow him a kiss.
He kissed her chastely at first, his palms warm on her cheeks. When June didn't pull away, Nick pulled her deeper into the abyss; his tongue exploring, caressing. His hands began to roam down the sensitive skin of her neck, then her shoulders. Hers were fisting his button-down shirt, wrinkling it as she held onto him. June felt dizzy with the kiss, like she drank too much scotch. Too much physical contact at once.
Too much Nick.
She didn't realize they were moving toward the bed until she felt it against the back of her knees. June buckled onto the soft mattress, pulling him down with her. She had settled onto her back with Nick between her legs when she made the mistake of opening her eyes and seeing his ceiling, which was very much not blue.
Reality hit her like a bus.
She was a Handmaid. Just a two-legged womb. They were supposed to procreate, so Serena Joy doesn't have her sent to the Colonies— or worse.
What the fuck are we doing, Nick?
June turned away from his lips, trying to catch her breath, "Wait," she gasped, the anxiety rolling over her in waves, "Not like this."
Nick understood what that meant.
He pried himself off of June and sat down on the end of the bed beside her, running his fingers through his disarrayed hair, "I'm sorry."
June closed her eyes, taking a moment as her rapid heartbeat subsided. Nick waited, his patience abundant.
But the ticking of the clock on the wall was a constant reminder of the danger that awaited on the other side of this hour if they didn't follow through.
It was now or never.
There was a clinking of buckles as Nick unbuttoned his pants, kicked off his shoes, and shifted himself into the middle of the bed, still otherwise fully clothed.
"Come here," he breathed, reaching out for her. His eyes said the rest of what he meant to say: I don't want to hurt you.
But somehow, she already knew that.
June stood to dutifully step out of her boots and underthings. The knee-high socks had to stay. A part of her wished she could take off all her clothes. Maybe the feeling of skin on skin would make this all feel a little bit more normal, like it was just your average one-night stand.
She took his outstretched hand and he helped her climb into his lap. She gathered the red skirt of her dress up to her hips. Her knees were trembling on either side of him, and she grasped his shoulders. With her legs spread she could feel the cool air against the heat between them, and it made her suddenly very aware that despite the shame in this situation, she was also painfully aroused by Nick's enticing kiss.
Not your average ceremony, I suppose.
But Nick isn't your average Guardian, either.
He looked up at her with those dark eyes. There was a question in them. She answered with her own.
With her permission, he traced the curves of her body with his hands. She felt him brush her nipples through the layers of fabric, circling them with his knuckles. Finally, he began to caress her bare thighs. June let him intoxicate her with his touch, now that she wasn't on her back.
Then his hand flitted under her skirt, and his fingers found her wetness. Her true shame.
Oh fuck.
"Is this okay?" Nick's voice was deeper now. He never took his eyes off of her as he stroked her with slow, deliberate movements. June nodded, chewing her bottom lip between her teeth. It had been so long since someone else touched her like this. Suddenly, nothing about this act felt wrong. It felt necessary, urgent.
Her arms found their way around his neck, her eyes lidded. Nick watched her expression change when he began to work her clit, coaxed out of her a sound she hadn't made in years— a true moan of pleasure. His lip twitched in the faintest smile.
Maybe this won't be so bad after all.
Where was a soft rustle of clothing as Nick – with his free hand – pulled his cock free from his unbuttoned pants. It didn't escape her notice that he was already hard for her.
"When you're ready."
June noticed the nervousness in his voice before had given way to something else. Something softer, but she couldn't quite place it. Or she wasn't sure that she should. But it made her feel a little bit human again, and that was all she needed to know.
June nodded, and felt Nick's fingers replaced with the tip of his cock, waiting. She lowered herself onto him with ease. She'd forgotten just how good it can feel to be fucked when you're readyfor it. They locked eyes as she slowly began to move; his asking, hers needing. Nick held her by the hips and they slipped into an easy rhythm together.
Now it truly felt as if there were entirely too many layers of clothing between them, but this was how it had to be.
June shifted to hold Nick by his shoulders for leverage. His right hand found its way under her dress again, his left gripping her thigh. The pad of his thumb moved incessantly against her while she fucked him— he was echoing the sensations from moments before, trying to bring her to her edge. She gasped.
Jesus, he's really not going to let me leave without making me come.
This probably wasn't what Mrs. Waterford had in mind when she sent her here.
June held onto Nick as she moved against him with increasing fervency. With the help of his meticulous touches that knot in her belly began to tighten until finally she felt it snap within, the force taking her by surprise. She buried her face in his shoulder as her eyes clenched shut, her toes curling with that shattering wave of pleasure.
Nick followed almost immediately. Both of his hands were holding her now, pulling her tight against him as he came inside her. His voice escaped in a strangled groan, fingers digging into red fabric, his cool and collected Guardian lost to the spell of wanton abandon.
June realized she liked this side of him.
They sat in silence as the fever came down, simply holding one another, unwilling to separate— until June risked a glance at the clock.
Five minutes left. She cleared her throat, and Nick lifted his head from where it had rested in the crook of her shoulder. He looked sated, but most of all he looked entirely content with where they were right now. Something that rarely happened in this place.
"It's time."
Nick absently ran his hands over her dress, feeling the expanse of her back, the curve of her waist, her arms— like he wanted to map out her body while he still could. "I know," he sighed, "I know," then he looked up at her and asked, with genuine concern, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," June frowned, giving a thoughtful nod, like she was merely testing wine, "Wasn't as bad as I expected."
A relieved chuckle rumbled in Nick's chest, and the sound made her want to do it all over again. But she had to leave, so with Nick's help, she untangled herself from his body and climbed off the bed. She quickly slipped back on what little she had taken off, smoothing the skirt of her Handmaid dress back into place.
Definitely not what Mrs. Waterford had in mind.
Nick shifted to sit on the edge of the bed, watching June tuck loose hair back into her white bonnet, framed by the cloudy daylight pouring through the window. A part of him wanted to pull her back into his bed and stay there.
Instead, he could only watch her slip out his front door without so much as another glance.
June walked briskly back to the house, rubbing her forearms to rid herself of the goosebumps of chilly air on her hot skin. She felt like a child who just got away with something very, very bad.
Sooner than the glass paneled door had closed behind her, Serena Joy stalked across the room and dragged her into the corner of the kitchen. After her otherworldly encounter with Nick, reality felt like a slap to the face. All his tenderness was lost to her. His warmth was gone. All that remained was her usual degradation and solitude.
"Is it done?" Serena Joy demanded quietly, leaning close so no one could hear. June wanted to wipe the expectant look off her face.
"Yes, Mrs. Waterford."
Done and then some.
Serena Joy gathered June's red dress in her hands. They avoided eye contact as she slipped past her underthings and probed her. June closed her eyes, fear gutting her as she realized Serena Joy might notice just how much she enjoyed the sex with Nick.
She withdrew her hand, and in the light of the kitchen she held up two fingers that glistened with Nick's seed. June could feel Serena sucking the joy out of her like a bloodthirsty mosquito. She clenched her fists.
Don't think about Nick just yet. Don't let her take that away.
The longest second passed.
"Praise be," Serena Joy said finally, her lips pulling back in an all-too-eager smile. She stepped away to wash her hands in the sink, not so much as giving June another glance, "You should go lie down."
June was trembling from anger and fear now, when moments ago she was trembling from pleasure.
She didn't need to be told twice, so she left quickly to climb the stairs to her room. Once inside, June closed the door that didn't lock and let out the breath she had been holding, gasping for air as everything hit her at once. She could still feel Serena Joy's coldness as she violated her, not just between her legs but her feelings for Nick.
But most importantly, she could still feel Nick's touch. His gentle and hungry kiss. Most of all, she could still feel the kindness in his voice. That look in his eyes— like in that moment she was all that mattered to him, in this world where she didn't matter to anyone.
It meant everything.
So June closed her eyes, and with the meticulousness of a lover she sowed that memory in her little garden of sinful thoughts. She wouldn't let Serena Joy take it from her. This one will not be allowed to turn to ash.
That single hour with Nick was hers, and only hers to keep.