Hailey Upton didn't get nervous.
She'd faced off against a variety of offenders, most three times her size or twice as strong – physically, that is. She'd confronted her demons and put criminals behind bars for life. She'd survived being kidnapped, assaulted (twice), and suffered through numerous undercover operations to get her detectives badge.
So, why, all of a sudden, sitting in this pub, was she nervous? So nervous in fact, that her hands were shaking, and she felt a shiver down her spine. Course, she assumed the latter could be because of the cold winter air drafting through the bar's doors when people would walk through them.
Speaking of people, she was waiting on one in particular. The very one that, if she were ever honest with herself, was making her feel out of sorts right now. She'd been wrestling with it all day: the perfect time and place to tell her partner, Jay Halstead, about the news. She'd been receiving packages all week from the FBI. At first she thought it was from OA's branch, the one that she'd kicked ass with in New York all those months ago. But, when Trudy Platt would hand her the mail, in the upper left corner, she'd see a different NYC location, and name.
Joint Federal Task Force.
She wasn't prepared for that. She didn't even know if she'd be cut out for it. But, after mulling it over, she could see why she may have been picked out of a crop of newly minted officers. She had grit, experience, and instinct. She knew she could kill it over there. But, did she really want to go?
If you had asked her almost 4 years ago, she'd have said yes, a thousand times yes in a heartbeat. Hell, maybe even 3 years ago; her partnership with Jay was certainly rocky back then, to put it politely. But now? Now? Now, she couldn't leave. Not when she'd be leaving so much behind.
Even two years ago, she couldn't see herself leaving. Not when it was voluntary. No, she'd made a family in Intelligence over the last few years, she'd hate to leave them. Especially Jay. Even though he could be stubborn as hell, she still couldn't bear to leave him. They were partners. Even when things got tough, they stood by each other. How could she possibly give that up? Why would she want to?
Nevertheless, he still deserved to know. She'd called him after she'd gotten the order from Hank Voight to go to New York the first time, why would this be any different? It is, dummy, she chastised herself, noting the umpteenth time she'd fixed her ponytail and the dim lighting in the pub she chose. No chance of interruptions from any of their well-meaning-but-no-less-annoying coworkers. Nothing to distract her from what she should do. She owed him that much, didn't she?
Especially since everything he'd been through with Erin. She was not Erin. She wouldn't leave without saying a word. Course, you're not in a relationship with him, Hailey, her brain reminded her. Regardless, it wasn't her style. It wasn't like her to leave things unfinished... at least not when it didn't involve her own feelings.
With Jay, it was different. It had always been different. She never planned to fall for another partner, and she figured the thought he hadn't crossed his mind either. Until her, at least she hoped. As stupid as it was, she wanted him to be the one to admit it first. She was growing increasingly frustrated by all the times she thought he would say something...and didn't.
If she owed him this, then the least he owed her was that. Right?
She sighed, dumbly wondering how long these little candle lights burned for as her eyes darted around the bar. Hopefully for a long time, since she'd been here long enough. At least, that's what it felt like. She was smacked in the face with reality when her phone showed it'd only been 8 minutes since she arrived.
Wow, she needed to get a fucking grip.
She let out a breath, running her hands over the top of her hair again. She'd asked him at the end of shift to meet her, that she'd explain everything to him then. He had agreed, and she hated her heart for skipping two beats when his voice said okay in the same way it had this time last year in the hospital.
When you were in surgery, no one knew what was gonna happen...
and it made me realize that, I wanted to tell you something.
Okay.
And then the phone. His damn phone. She'd even turned hers on silent this time around. Technology wasn't ruining this, at least not her technology. She just hoped once Jay saw the the more serious nature of the situation that he'd take the hint too. She was so busy crossing her fingers that she hadn't even noticed the door opening again.
She was facing away from it, so when she could feel Jay's presence behind her all of a sudden, it was like a shockwave went through her.
"Hailey," he breathed, in his usual tone of slight hesitance. It was gentle, like it always was. And she appreciated it. So much so that she wanted to jump right up and say fuck it, and kiss him right then. But no, that wouldn't go over well. She knew that. She knew...better.
"Hey," she settled with as she watched him sit down on the barstool across from hers. A small table sat between them, but if she wanted to, she could very well reach out her hand and grab his. If she wanted to.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" He asked, and she was taken aback by his directness.
She mouth must've dropped open slightly, because he tacked on: "It sounded important, what you wanted to explain..." he let it trail off, like he did with some things he said to her. Not like she needed the words anyway. They'd perfected eye contact communication over the years.
"I, I got some news. From the Feds." She couldn't help but look down for a brief moment. She was scared, about how he'd react. She knew once she said the words, he'd probably think of Lindsay. How could he not? She did. But, she wasn't like Erin, nor would she ever be. Which is why this whole thing was happening.
"What did the FBI offer you?" He asked her. She saw his one eyebrow lift higher up than the other, a sure sign he was trying to hold back a bit.
She took in a breath of air before she uttered the phrase. "Joint level task force." She felt her lips uptick the tiniest bit, and she knew she was showing a positive emotion. But, it wasn't excitement over going, it was disbelief and gratitude that she was even considered for the opportunity.
She studied her partner carefully, trying to gauge his reaction. She could usually get a read on him, but now? Now she wasn't so sure.
Jay had plastered on a forced smile...if you could even call it that. It equated to that little grimace emoji, if he had to describe it to someone. He was speechless. In all the things he expected to hear from his partner, Hailey, joint level task force was not one of them. If anything, he would've thought OA needed her for a quick mission or something. He'd never met the guy, but had heard good things about the ex-military man.
His casted his gaze downward, his hands fidgeting underneath the table. He opened his mouth, wanting words to come out, but they didn't. Some semblance of an "Uh" or "Ah" did – he thinks – but his mind was overwhelmed by JOINT LEVEL TASK FORCE and NEW YORK CITY.
"I– wow. That's great, Hailey," he finally got out, and he prayed it came across as earnest.
He saw her raised eyebrows and quirk of her lips. That was her expectant expression, like she was waiting for him to say something more. Or something better. Not like he could blame her. He'd been a mute idiot once before already. Well, an idiot for sure.
"Yeah?" She replied, and he couldn't help but notice the surprised tone in her voice. He didn't know if she meant it to come off like a question or not.
"Yeah," he affirmed, feeling like he could find his voice a little. "It's an amazing opportunity, and they'd picked the perfect person for the job."
He watched as her face fell, but she recovered quickly. "Right. Um, thanks."
He was already kicking himself, but before his brain could catch up to his mouth, he was speaking again. "So, have you given them an answer yet?"
She looked stunned, much like he felt when he'd heard the news. He watched her closely. She clicked her tongue against her cheek as she drew out a one syllabled "uh."
"No. No, I haven't. That's why I wanted to talk to you. I figured I should tell you first, y'know, before I made my decision."
He let a cross between a sigh and a chuckle escape his lips just then. He was at a loss; between a rock and a hard place. "Hailey, I– I don't wanna be the one to tell you what to do. If you want to take it, you should go."
The usually emboldened woman that sat in front of him shrank back in her seat. If he didn't know any better, he thought he saw her eyes cloud over. Oh god, had he said too much? Shit, he didn't know if he could take it back now. He felt like running before he could say anything else moronic, so he began to stand up from his seat.
"You know, you could tell me you don't want me to take it."
For such a tiny girl, her words hit him like a ton of bricks. If he hadn't been distributing his weight between his feet, he would've certainly stumbled.
He looked down at her, only because she was sitting (but even if she weren't, he supposed he'd still have to look down to her, because of their ever apparent height difference).
"Hailey."
She looked at him the very same way in the breakroom a year and a half ago. Eyes full of sadness, and yet, a twinge of hope still rippled underneath the ocean blue irises. Drowning in her eyes would be the way he'd want to go if it came down to it right now (also because he was afraid she might clock him for being an asshat).
"I can't–"
His voice broke a bit, and all the fear of another partner leaving him sat blocking his throat from producing another sound.
And so, just like she did in the bar two years ago, she let her head drop. She whispered a "yeah," to him, complete with a sad frown, and hopped off the chair with her jacket in hand.
"Glad I have my answer."
He almost didn't hear her, but he only figured out the full sentence when she was halfway down the bar and heading for the door.
He couldn't believe it. He'd screwed up again. And this time, she could be gone for good.
Hailey hated showing emotion, especially in front of her partner. So, she waited until she was outside, opened jacket whipping in the wind, snowflakes breezing past her eyelashes, to cry. She could've sworn she heard his voice calling her name, but she didn't want to turn back. What more could he say to break her heart?
Thankfully, even though it was flurrying, the ground wasn't icy, so she could easily take off running for the tiny parking lot where her car was. She hurried towards it, keys in hand, unlocking it and jumping in within a minute. She shuddered, partly because of the cold, but mostly because of the tears threatening to overtake her body.
"God!" She screamed, her hands hitting the steering wheel a couple of times.
She sniffled, in total disbelief that she'd let herself fall this hard for someone. Jay, the most stubborn man she'd ever known, of all people. She should be kicking herself, but all she could think about was how good he looked in that blue shirt.
Say what now about getting a grip, Hailey? She rolled her eyes, scoffing at her lovestruck mind. It was that very lovestruck mind that got her into this mess in the first place. She shivered, which served as a reminder that she needed to turn the key in her ignition. Duh, can't start the car without one.
She shook it off, imagining her worries rolling off her back, just going down to the ground with the rest of the pieces of her broken heart. It was melancholy imagery, to say the least, but for her, it wasn't all that uncommon. She'd lost one partner before, what was one more? Quit it Hailey, you know Jay's more than that. She was hating this battle against herself. It was one she knew would tire her out before she could figure out which side of her mind won out: logic or emotion. Reason or feeling.
Good thing she had a 20 minute drive to start thinking about it.
Unfortunately, the drive home didn't do her much good. Instead, the time was spent replaying all those other times Jay almost said something, and how each time she'd think, okay, maybe next time, but now? Now there wasn't going to be a next time – was there? How could there be? She'd had her answer. It's not like he ran after her; he didn't try to stop her.
She paused briefly in the foyer of her apartment, remembering how she thought she heard his voice calling her name. But she couldn't face him. And besides, she argued, he had all this time to call or text her. Her phone had sat silent the whole way home.
She took off her jacket and made her way upstairs, dying to get into some comfortable pajamas and distract herself with some wine. Or ice cream. Hell, maybe both. It'd be one insane night. And she hadn't even given an official word on the NYC JTF.
As she rummaged through her drawer for an oversize tee and some sleep shorts, she thought back to her time in New York. She had gotten along alright, all things considered. Pizza was still crap, that would never change. She chewed on the inside of her lip when that made her think of what she told Jay on the phone: it's like a sheet of paper. Yep, still accurate.
She glumly chuckled. Jay had called or texted her every day she was gone to New York, even if it was just to send a stupid meme or smiley face emoji. She liked those, even though she'd never admit it to him. That's not the only thing.
She knew it wasn't all his fault, how all of this turned out. She could've told him what she was going to say at the hospital. She could've told him sooner than that. But, a year ago was the first time she acknowledged that she, Hailey Upton, had fallen in love with her partner, Jay Halstead.
Damn, she wished Vanessa were here at a time like this. She missed her roommate and new friend, who was picked up by Narcotics to do some undercover work, so she was transferred over to a team there, and out of Intelligence. And, out of Hailey's apartment.
She jolted upright, needing to stop getting caught up in her own little world. She had things to do. Plus, wine and ice cream were still calling her name. With that in mind, she quickly changed into a baggy t-shirt and some sweats, since she couldn't find any shorts, and walked downstairs to grab her comfort food and drink.
She was in the midst of uncorking her bottle of wine, ice cream pint sitting alongside it, thawing, when she heard a knock at the door.
She automatically turned on her heels to go answer it, but for whatever reason, she stopped herself. She couldn't do it yet. Fall right back into it. She– he had really hurt her. It couldn't be that easy to forget. Or forgive.
Even after 2 more shots and a whine-driven phone call with his older brother, Will, Jay was still reeling. He'd really fucked up this time, and he didn't know if he could fix it.
What the hell was wrong with him? Why couldn't he say those 3 little words? I. Love. You. Hailey. Okay, 4 words, but still.
Maybe because the last time he said them, the girl he said them to left. Gone with the wind, in a sense. Erin had been a ghost to him for years now. He didn't want to add Hailey to a list of "ones that got away." But, he could never forget her, no matter how much he hypothetically tried or wanted to. He'd never let it get to that point – is the point he was trying to remind himself of.
We've only been partners a couple years, you'll forget about me just fine.
Hailey…
We'll be alright.
Shit, he really was an idiot. His mouth hadn't been able to form more than her name back then, no wonder she hated his guts right now. She had said that they'd be alright. And….well, hadn't they?
He took inventory of everything that happened since then. There was the whole thing with Kelton, and the distrust of Voight, not to mention the Marcus West debacle, which then led to him getting shot again.
What were you gonna say?
Nevermind. I'm gonna pull the car around. I'll meet you out front.
She'd made that same sad frown with her mouth that she did tonight. The one where she wanted him to say more, to do more. And he'd let her down once again. Maybe he didn't deserve her.
Maybe it was supposed to be like this. Never the right time, always saying the wrong thing. Or never saying anything at all, in his case. Maybe it just wasn't meant to work out between them.
It's the thing that works between us: bad case, one of us doesn't want the other one around. The other one stays anyway, we talk, we feel better, and we're able to go to work the next day. It works.
The other one stays anyway.
God, he really was the dumbest person alive.
He grabbed his jacket and ran back to his truck, which he'd just gotten out of to go inside his apartment. Nope, not this time. He wasn't letting her walk away without him doing what he should've done a long time ago.
He'd never driven his truck so fast, he figured people in his neighborhood would think he was in pursuit or something. He was, in a way. In pursuit of his feelings for Hailey. He should've told her a long time ago how important she'd been in his life, especially lately, and that he was going to stay right there until he got all of his feelings out on the table. No matter if she pushed him out the front door or didn't even let him pass. He'd shout it if he had to.
He just hoped it still had the same affect that their usual "thing that works" did. And as he pulled up to her curb, he knew there was only one way to find out.
So, he all but leaped from his truck and up to her doorstep. He politely knocked once, but when she didn't open up, he knocked again with a bit more force. A third time, and he was getting a little frustrated, but also a little worried. Had she been that upset with him? Of course she was….is, he told himself. How could she not be? He really was oblivious. No, not that. He was scared. And he hated being scared. That whole vulnerability thing? Yeah, not his cup of tea.
But for Hailey? With Hailey? He'd do anything, even if it meant begging her to give him another chance.
All those times he'd let her walk away flashed through his mind as his knuckles met the hard wood. He'd stay out there all night if he had to. Just until she'd listen. At the very least. He hoped.
"Hailey?"
No answer.
"Hailey!"
Nothing.
"Hailey, please! Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I said that to you. I didn't– I mean I don't want you to go, but I didn't want to be the one to hold you back from something great. I didn't want you to think that I didn't believe in you, and I didn't want you resenting me if you had stayed, I don't know, because of me, or something. I don't even know if that makes any sense, but please, please just let me know you heard me. Please?"
He was so desperate he'd pressed his ear to the side of the door to see if he could hear anything on the other side. Not even a shuffle. He would've – should've – smacked himself for not thinking of using his height to his advantage. Of course he could see inside the half moon shaped window at the top of her front door.
He knew it might be risky – as in, she'd kick his ass for doing so – but he was in fact, that desperate. Because all he could think about was her, making that phone or sending that text to whomever it was that was in NYC. And how she'd be on a plane, and then miles away from him and any chance he – they – had.
So, he snuck a peek over the window and into her apartment. While doing so, he had the most random thought: he hadn't been there in a while. Probably…..two years at least. Wow.
Focus, Jay.
He fixed his gaze on her entryway, but saw that there was no movement. She could be upstairs, he figured, but he couldn't see in at that angle.
He huffed, dropping his shoulders and returning to his normal stature. Damn it.
"Hailey, I know you're mad at me. And I don't blame you. I was – no, I have been, a complete and total idiot. I know that. And y'know, it took me a long time to realize why. Actually, what took a long time was for me to admit it. I was scared, Hailey. Okay? This, whatever this has turned into between us, scares the hell out of me. And before you even think it, I know you're not Erin. I know that, I do. That's not it. It's the fact that we've actually built something, you and me, out of our partnership, and I didn't want to risk it all by acting on these feelings. I didn't want to ruin what we have. Or had, if you still want nothing more to do with me after this, which, I guess I can understand. But, Hailey, please know, I'd never forget about you even if you did leave. God, I'd hate for you to go, but like I said, if it's what you really want, I…."
Another realization hit him, and he couldn't believe he was really that dense.
"I'd follow you. Isn't that what we've always said to each other? I remember when you first told me that, and I'll be honest, back then I had no idea what it meant for us. But now, as I'm standing here, shouting to you like the idiotic asshat I've been acting like lately, I get it. Okay? I get it. I would follow you anywhere. I'm going where you go. That's all I've ever wanted Hailey. To go with you, to be with you. I can't imagine my life without you. And I think, no, I know that's because–"
He'd been so intent on making sure she heard him from wherever she was in her apartment that he hadn't even heard the door opening. Not until she stood in front of him. Looking at him like that.
But instead of clamming up or letting her take the reigns of the conversation, he finished what he came here to do.
"–I love you."
He tilted his head ever so slightly as he watched her lips part. For once, maybe he had left her speechless.
"What?"
She was so quiet, if he hadn't been standing but mere inches from her, he probably wouldn't have heard her.
"I love you. I love you, Hailey. And I know that you probably still need some time, and if you do I get that, I do, but I couldn't let you leave without you knowing. I lo–"
When she surprised him by pulling him down for a kiss, another dim thought crossed his mind: how is she that strong? …..but he quickly pushed it away in favor of how her lips fit perfectly with his. Her hands were firmly around his neck, anchoring him to her.
She'd always been his anchor.
His had wrapped around to her back, pulling her closer, because he never wanted to let her go. Not again. Not ever.
When they finally broke apart, he was actually, for the first time since he could remember, breathless after one kiss. Yeah, he could be okay with that.
"I love you, too, Jay. I've been in love with you for a long time….I–"
He couldn't really explain why he decided to kiss her again right then, but he was pretty proud of himself that he was able to lift her up and hold her with just his one arm while the other pushed the front door open so they could get inside and out of the cold.
Their lips never broke apart, like the energy was magnetic. They just couldn't get enough. Soft sighs and harsh breaths only intensified the situation, but neither seemed to notice, or care.
"Stay," he found himself whispering against her cheek.
When she looked into his eyes, he found his voice again. "Please, tell me you're staying."
"I am, Jay. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here."
Ever the charmer, he played off her words. "Well, I'm totally fine with that if you are."
He held back a grin as he watched her face light up with the realization of the position they were currently in. Backed up against her banister, her legs hooked around his waist, his arms still holding her steady.
She swallowed, taking a second to think of a wittier comeback. "I am. But Jay?" She tried to feign innocence. She smirked to herself when his features softened. Always and only for her.
"Yeah?"
She took his momentary lapse to unhook herself from him. With her feet back on the floor, she looked up at him once again. "You said you'd follow me anywhere, right?"
He thought she was being super serious, so he nodded fervently. "Of course."
"Let's start with upstairs…"
She'd already taken off running when he got her innuendo. As he caught up to her and wrapped her in his arms, he realized he had a new favorite thing about her. Her laugh.
He was so glad the night ended with that, not to mention the fact that she was in fact, staying here in Chicago, with him. For real (and hopefully forever). She was right: they did feel better after they talked.
Course, they do even better without words. Always had. Even tonight wouldn't change that.
A/N: And here's my take on what could happen/what I'd want or like to happen/what I imagine happening for Upstead in 8x03 based off the promo we got for January 6. Ugh, can it just get here already?! I'm SO excited for it, so I hope ya'll enjoyed this one-shot to tide you over until then. Let me know what you think, and as always, thanks for reading! :)