Chapter Eight: You Bear the Scars
You've held your head up, you've fought the fight
You bear the scars, you've done your time
Listen to me
You've been lonely too long
– The Civil Wars, "Dust to Dust"
Relena was waging a war against a jar of sauce, and the jar was winning.
She'd struggled to open the thing for several minutes, but the lid wouldn't budge. And she'd tried running it under hot water, tried banging the lid with a knife, but either her knives were no good or she was just that helpless. Cursing her weak muscles, Relena gave up with a defeated sigh. So much for throwing together a quick dinner for her and Ellie.
She was exhausted, although she wasn't sure why. Other than her meeting with Paul that morning, her work day had been fairly uneventful. She wasn't any more overworked or stressed out than usual. And yet she'd had to drag herself here and there, every new task seemingly more monumental than the last. She was endlessly tired.
The tiredness had been creeping up on her more and more the past few weeks. She'd been too worn out to keep up with her usual exercise routine, even though skipping out on her workouts was probably only exacerbating her fatigue. But she needed to get her energy levels back up to where they used to be to even attempt working out, and that was the issue. It was a terribly vicious cycle.
Heaving another sigh, Relena picked up her mobile and dialed Lucrezia Peacecract, née Noin. She was fortunate that her brother and sister-in-law lived nearby, so they saw one another fairly often, but she still felt overdue for a nice, long sisterly chat.
Noin answered after a few rings.
"We need to hit the gym," Relena said without preamble.
"Speak for yourself," her sister-in-law chuckled. "I went this morning. What's your excuse?"
Relena could think of plenty, but she knew Noin would refute every single one. And Relena was calling to whine, not be held accountable.
"And anyway," Noin continued, "you have that state-of-the-art gym at home. So you really have no excuse."
"I know," Relena groaned. "It's just not the same without…" She didn't have to finish her sentence.
"Yeah, well you could say that about the rest of the house too, right?" Noin's voice softened. Relena sighed again. Of course. She was being silly, avoiding the gym just because she associated the room with Heero. Noin was right; the same could be said for any room in the house. It's not like the gym was special.
But other than their bedroom, it was where she and Heero had started each day together. Every weekday morning, they would rise at 5:00 a.m. to get in a sweat session before showering and getting ready for work together. And much of the time, they would engage in other types of vigorous exercise… especially when they were trying to get pregnant.
Relena fought back bitter tears as they formed in her eyes. She'd wanted another baby so badly. Over the years they'd tried and failed. It had taken all of the strength Relena possessed and then some to pick herself up and keep going, time after time. But she wasn't alone, then; she'd had Heero to lean on, and did she ever. But, now…
It was useless to let herself get on that train of thought, so Relena forced her mind to change track.
"Let me know the next time you're going to the gym," she said to Noin, forcing herself to sound upbeat.
"Tomorrow, six a.m.," Noin chirped. Relena immediately regretted making this swift plan, knowing Noin used the Preventers' gym; while Milliardo and Noin also had some equipment at home, Noin claimed she never wanted to own too many machines or they'd end up holding her laundry. But Relena needed to convince her sister-in-law to use the ESUN gym instead, so she wouldn't end up running into the source of her anxiety...
Thankfully, Noin readily agreed to meet Relena the following morning, noting that the ESUN gym was "fancier" anyway.
"We should treat ourselves to mani-pedis afterward," Noin added.
"Wouldn't that be nice?" Relena mused. "How about this weekend?"
"Saturday?"
"Perfect."
"Great. So what's for dinner?"
Rolling her eyes at herself, Relena filled Noin in on her jar-opening failure.
"Ah, so that's why you wanna hit the gym so badly," Noin teased. "Your muscles are starting to atrophy."
"Something like that." Relena bit her lower lip. "For now I'll have to find something else to make for dinner, or poor Ellie will end up eating takeaway curry for the tenth time this month…"
"Hmm…" Relena thought she could hear the sounds of Noin chopping something in the background. "What do you have on hand?"
Relena began to rummage around her cabinets. "Pasta… a few cans of beans, some coconut milk, stewed tomatoes…" She could practically hear her sister-in-law crinkling her nose.
"Sounds like takeout it is. Or you could come over here; your brother's working late, so it's just me and the kids tonight. I'm making salmon croquettes, mashed potatoes and asparagus…"
Relena's stomach rumbled. "That sounds heavenly. Are you sure you'll have enough?"
"Trust me, there's plenty," Noin said. "But if you want to bring something, make it wine."
Relena laughed. "That I can do. Chardonnay?"
"Fabulous."
Relena was smiling as she ended the call. She would be eternally grateful to her sister-in-law for saving her and Ellie from another lonely night of takeout.
Another lonely night, period.
A half-eaten slice of pizza sat abandoned in its box along with several other slices, all untouched and rapidly losing steam.
Heero had given up trying to put something in his stomach for the time being. Instead, he was pacing back and forth across his small kitchen, white-knuckling his cell phone like his life depended on it.
The last time he'd felt this out of control of his own life was when he was piloting a mobile suit on someone else's orders. But even then, he realized he had free will to disobey his orders and choose his own path. Now, it felt as if someone else was pulling all the strings.
And if that was the case, if fate had brought him here and he truly had no say over his future, then life was nothing more than a cruel joke after all.
The sound of his mobile vibrating ricocheted through the apartment. Heero answered without bothering to check the caller I.D. His gut already told him who was on the other end.
"Hello."
"Heero? It's me."
His eyes squeezed shut. So much for trying to establish his authority by insisting on her using his title. But then all formality had flown out the window, hadn't it? Heero knew there was no point any more. No fucking point to anything.
He could tell from her tone of voice that this was good news, at least according to her.
Which meant his life was over.
"So, I took a test…" Raquel said demurely. Heero gripped the phone.
"And?"
"And… yeah. I'm pregnant."
Heero's chest clenched. He clasped his free hand to his heart, but there was no stopping the pain that radiated.
"You're sure," he managed around the thundering in his ribcage. His lungs, too, felt as if they were being squeezed. His head swam, and the room began to spin…
"Positive." He could have sworn she giggled.
And the walls could have crumbled in on Heero, and he would have welcomed being crushed to death. He would suffocate either way.
He wasn't aware of the call ending. All he knew was that something was breaking inside of him.
Something that would never be whole again.
A/N: AHHHHH, YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS ARE THE GREATEST.
I had to hurry up and update this story since you left me some unbelievable feedback on the last chapter; and so quickly, too! I appreciate it more than you know! So I really don't want to keep you waiting for too long. I'm doing my best to keep working on this consistently, even though the muses are giving me other ideas (isn't that always the way?). For those of you who still like Civil Wars better, I do promise to get back to that one... just not quite yet. Thanks for hanging with me, in the meantime!
I'm gonna do my best over the next few days to respond to your individual reviews, so thank you thank you thank you for your feedback, and please continue to let me know what you think!
GIANT GUNDAM HUGS!
- RFP