Chapter Ten: The Killer in Me

I used to be a little boy

So old in my shoes

And what I choose is my choice

What's a boy supposed to do?

The killer in me is the killer in you

My love

I send this smile over to you

– The Smashing Pumpkins (covered by The Civil Wars), "Disarm"

Days passed in a haze of sunsets and sunrises, most of which Heero was barely conscious for. A few times, he remembered blinking long enough to register that the light was waning in and out. Thanks to his liquid companions, though, he had managed to keep a nice, dull cushion around his mind for the few, agonizing moments he found himself awake.

After a while – he had no idea what day or time – he fumbled for his phone on his nightstand to see how long, exactly, he'd been out.

The call from Raquel had been Monday night.

It was now Thursday night.

He'd slept through three whole days.

Groaning, Heero lifted his too-heavy head off of his pillow. He felt like he'd been hit by a ton of bricks. And given the many injuries he had sustained on the battlefield over the years, he knew exactly what that felt like.

He was surprised to see a series of missed calls. He was more surprised, frankly, that anyone gave a damn about him or his whereabouts.

Most of the calls were from work; the office manager, undoubtedly wondering why the Preventers commander hadn't bothered showing up for most of the week. Probably assuming he was dead by now. Heero wondered idly if the police had been called, not that anyone would be all that shocked by his absence.

There were a few missed calls from Barton. Only mildly surprising; he was second in command, after all. Otherwise Heero doubted his old friend would bother these days.

A missed call from Duo, the one old friend who would bother. This was probably just his usual check-in call. Which Heero might actually return, after a shower and a few bites of three-day-old pizza, assuming any of it was still edible.

There were several voicemails along with the missed calls, but Heero didn't feel like listening to any. Especially as he scrolled through the list and saw that Raquel had called several times. Just seeing her name sent a jolt of pain to Heero's chest. He couldn't fathom what more the girl could want at this point; there was nothing Heero could do until she agreed to take a paternity test. And in that case, it was either go with a more invasive test while the baby was still in utero, or wait until after it was born…

Baby. The word was a boulder bearing down on Heero, an anchor to his leg at the bottom of the ocean. The mere possibility of this woman carrying his child was enough to make bile rise in the back of his throat.

He was retching before he could drag his sorry ass to the bathroom, just making it into the wastebasket beside his futon.

After a few more dry heaves to ensure he'd gotten the gunk all out of his system, Heero collapsed back onto his mattress. He clamped his eyes shut, even though it was pitch dark outside, with only moonlight seeping in through his blinds, casting pale striped shadows on the wall. Heero laid still for what felt like a small eternity, willing himself to fall back asleep, but sleep wouldn't come. He'd rested far too much, it seemed.

Wincing against the incessant pounding in his head, Heero slowly opened one eye, then the other. Then he squeezed both shut again. His phone was right next to his face, and the screen was too damn bright. But a name swirled before his eyes. A name he hadn't seen on his phone in a long, long time.

He had to be hallucinating.

Heero forced his eyes open, and there it was, in black type on the screen's stark white background.

Relena.

Heero rubbed his eyes to be sure he wasn't seeing things. Her name was still there. He picked his phone up in utter disbelief and brought it closer to his face.

He wasn't hallucinating. Relena had called him. Monday night, some time after he'd ended his call with Raquel.

His first instinct was to press his finger over her name and call her back that instant. But no- he didn't want to talk to her like this. He needed to be in a much better frame of mind, so he could come up with the perfect words to say…

The fact that she had called him at all was a miracle. Although Heero realized it could have been a mere well-being call, like the countless others he'd missed. Something told him it wasn't, though. Some damned fragment of hope, sparking among the embers.

He had to find out if she'd left a voicemail, at least; then he would have some idea of how to respond to her. He didn't want to go into any situation involving Relena unprepared.

Heero sat up and punched in the code for his voicemail, then proceeded to drum his fingers on his bedside table as he skipped through the first several messages. The office manager had left one for each day of Heero's absence, asking in a timid voice when he might be returning. In between those messages was one from Trowa, in his usual deadpan, proclaiming himself the new Preventers commander in Heero's stead. Heero rolled his eyes, deleting as he went. Duo had left a much-too-chipper message, checking to see if, in fact, Heero was dead.

Raquel hadn't left him any messages, even though she had called several times. Heero could only assume that whatever she wanted, it wasn't an emergency. Perhaps she wasn't actually pregnant, after all. Or perhaps decided she wasn't going to keep the baby. Either scenario would be preferable to the situation he currently found himself in, if in fact the child she was allegedly carrying was his.

But all of those thoughts flew from his mind when Relena's voice came through the phone line, strong and clear.

"Heero." She sounded annoyed with him, but even her sharp tone was music to his ears. At this point, he would take what he could get.

"I'm only calling because Ellie wants to talk to you. She keeps asking about you." Relena sighed, and Heero's heart pounded. "Apparently you're not available right now. But when you are… call or text me and we'll figure out a time for you and Ellie to speak. All right? Goodbye."

He could picture her hanging up in exasperation, and that was enough to put a smile on his face. She was yielding. It was enough, for now.

Enough for that spark of hope to flicker in the unending darkness.

A/N: What's this? A Thirsty Thursday update? You betcha! Not much else to say here except... the plot thickens. I hope you continue to enjoy! Thank you again for the wonderful reviews!

Big hugs!

- RFP