Chapter Seventeen: Tired of Being Broken

I don't want to hurt you

(Do you ever listen?)

I don't want to run

(You're not the only one)

I don't want to touch you

(I'm tired of being broken)

Look what we've become

(Look what we've become)

I don't even care

(I don't really need you)

I don't want to go

I don't want to go

(I don't want to stay)

I don't want to stay

(I don't want to go)

– The Civil Wars, "Go"

Heero was wired.

After he finished repairing the lock on the door he'd broken – which he tried to do as quietly as possible – he wandered around the house, looking for other projects to occupy his time. But other than a slightly leaky faucet in the downstairs bathroom, there wasn't much in the house that needed fixing.

Not structurally, at least.

So he wound up back in his study, where he absentmindedly sat at his computer and clicked through a few reports until his eyes began to glaze over… The next thing he knew, he was waking up with a stiff neck. He blinked his eyes open and sunlight flooded his vision.

Heero groaned and rubbed the back of his neck. It had been a long time since he'd fallen asleep in his office chair, but... it still beat sleeping on a crappy futon.

He breathed in and his nostrils were met with a warm, fragrant aroma. Heero stood, stretched, and followed the scent to the kitchen.

There, he was greeted with a sight for sore eyes: Relena, in her fuzzy pink bathrobe and slippers, making a fresh pot of coffee. Heero blinked, wondering if he was imagining things as he watched Relena pull a mug down from a nearby cabinet. She certainly wasn't getting coffee for herself.

"Hey," he said softly from the doorway, so that he wouldn't scare her. She'd scolded him many times over the years for sneaking up on her.

Relena glanced over her shoulder at him as she finished pouring coffee into the mug. "Hey," she returned. "I was just coming to revive you. I can't believe you fell asleep in your chair like that."

"Yeah… I wasn't planning on it." Heero moved toward the kitchen island and accepted the mug as Relena handed it to him. "Thanks," he said before taking a grateful sip. It tasted much better than the instant stuff he'd been making in his apartment, since he'd never bothered to buy his own coffee pot. He set the mug down but kept his hands wrapped around it. "How are you feeling?"

"Better." Relena reached for the teacup in front of her. Green– her usual morning tea. "How about you? Did you sleep all right?"

Heero shrugged. Relena gave him a knowing look.

"Well, I wanted to get you up and about, since Ellie will be home in a few hours."

Heero nodded, taking this in. "I see."

"So." Relena leaned forward, placing her elbows on the island, steepling her fingers in front of her. Her negotiating stance. Sure enough, her brow furrowed as she looked at him– all business. "I thought we could discuss how we want to approach this..."

Heero took another moment to sip his coffee before answering. Despite her power pose, Relena was acting surprisingly calm. It caught him off-guard, although he wanted to remain optimistic.

"I'll do whatever you want," he said after a beat. "I just want to see Ellie."

"You will," Relena said evenly. "I just think maybe… we should be careful what we tell her, at first."

"All right." Heero paused, the mug poised at his lips. "So what do you want to tell her?"

Relena drew in a deep, shaky breath. "That's just it. I think, for now…" She lowered her eyes to the island. Heero eased forward.

"Yeah?"

Slowly, Relena raised her eyes. "I think… like we talked about before. You could surprise her, like you just got back from your 'trip.'" Relena made quotation marks with her fingers. "And until we've figured this whole thing out, we just… act like everything is normal."

Heero frowned, considering her words. "I don't want to lie to our daughter…"

"I know," Relena sighed. "I… haven't been honest with her. And I hate that." She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "But… she hasn't seen you in so long… I don't want to crush her whole world."

Relena turned her face to the side, dropping her gaze again. She looked like she was blinking back tears. Heero fought the instinct to go around to her side of the island and take her in his arms, knowing she wouldn't want that. Especially since he'd already overstepped the bounds a few times. But it was hard to fight his natural instincts when it came to the woman he'd loved for half his life.

He kept his gaze on her, willing her to look back up at him. "We don't have to crush her world," he murmured. "We can still fix this."

Relena let out a staccato laugh and rolled her eyes. Not the reaction he was hoping for.

"We can," he added more adamantly. "We need to try, though."

Relena chewed her lower lip, which was starting to tremble. "I don't want to do this right now, Heero."

"Do what?"

"Talk about…" She gestured at the space between them. "Everything."

Heero nodded, gripping his mug. "We don't need to talk about it all now. But we do need to talk at some point."

And as he thought about everything he still needed to tell her, he clutched his mug so tightly, it was a wonder the thing didn't crack in half.

Relena seemed to be concentrating on dunking her tea bag up and down in her cup. "I think," she said slowly, "when we do have this talk, we should have a third party present."

"You mean like a counselor?" Heero could agree to that.

Relena pursed her lips. "I mean like counsel."

Heero's jaw tensed. "You want to go through an attorney?" Relena bit her lip again but didn't answer him. Heero rubbed a hand down his face. "Why don't we try a marriage counselor first?"

"I'm not sure that will work." Relena kept her eyes trained on her tea.

"We won't know until we try," Heero said gruffly. It was an effort to keep his temper from flaring, but this was his biggest issue with Relena: he wanted to fix things, but she didn't even want to make an attempt.

"I don't know if I can," she said emphatically, pressing a hand to her chest. "I'm doing my best right now, Heero, but it's difficult for me to be under the same roof as you, let alone in the same room."

Heero ran a hand through his hair. "We did all right last night…"

Relena looked at him askance. "You mean before or after I tried to kill you?"

"I wouldn't say you tried to kill me," Heero said wryly.

"Oh, but I wanted to," Relena said, tipping her head to the side. "You're lucky I have terrible aim."

"Your aim's fine. But my reflexes are better." Heero shot her a smile. To his relief, Relena gave him a faint one of her own.

"Well, just so you know, I'm not proud of my behavior last night." Her face darkened. "I'm just… really angry with you, still, and I don't know how to process that."

Heero hated knowing that she felt that way, knowing that it was his fault. He wanted to help her, but he wasn't always so good about processing his anger, either. He chanced a step toward her.

"Wanna hit me?"

Relena gaped up at him. "Seriously?"

He shrugged. "It might make you feel better."

Relena laughed derisively. "I wish it would. Sometimes I pretend the punching bag is your face, though." Her lips twitched. Heero chuckled.

"Yeah? Does it help?"

She shook her head, sighing. "Not really."

Heero's chest heaved. "We need to talk through this, Relena. Clear the air," he urged. "We don't need lawyers to do that; we're not negotiating terms here."

"Not yet," Relena murmured. Heero jammed his fingers through his hair.

"Please give me another chance to explain."

Relena sighed again, wrapping her arms around herself. "I will, for Ellie's sake. But not right now. I don't want to be a crying mess when she gets home."

"All right…"

Heero watched as Relena spun on her heel and deposited her tea cup into the sink, and started scrubbing vigorously with a dishwashing wand and soap. That task done, she marched right past Heero, out of the kitchen and into the dining room. Clearly, she was finished with this part of the discussion, and Heero didn't have the heart to try to argue with her anymore.

She paused in the doorway and glanced back at him. "So… what are you going to do now?"

"You mean this morning?" She nodded. Heero shrugged. He had plenty of work to do, but he figured he ought to check in with Duo at some point. He hadn't even bothered to text him last night.

"I need to stop by my apartment," Heero said, although it was the last place he wanted to go, now that he'd spent the night back in his house. "I have a house guest."

Relena blanched. "Oh?" Heero hid a satisfied smile. It was clear from her expression that she was immediately jealous, although she was also misinformed.

"Yeah," Heero continued, wanting to savor the look on Relena's face, but not wanting to torture her, either. "Duo's visiting for a couple weeks."

"Oh." Relena's features instantly relaxed. "Well, I'm sure he has some choice words for me, but do give my love to him and Hilde, anyway."

"Will do."

"So what's the plan?" Relena asked. "When will you be back?"

"As soon as you tell me to be here," he replied evenly. "I'll just pick Duo up and get some breakfast, then drop him at HQ for the day. He can catch up with whoever's around and get himself a car for the rest of his trip. Then…" He shrugged. "I guess I'll shower, change and head back over here."

Relena was already shaking her head. "No, no. Don't do that; you look rumpled, like you've been traveling." She tapped a finger to her chin. "You should come back here with a suitcase, too..."

Heero frowned. "Yeah? Should I bother filling it, or is it all for show?"

"Well…" Relena spread her hands. "I mean… you should probably bring whatever you'll need for the next few days or so. I imagine you'll be staying here until we figure something out?"

Heero cocked a brow. "That's up to you."

She sighed. "We've already decided we're not telling Ellie anything today. Right? So let's just try for one normal day, and see how that goes." Her gaze found his. "Does that… sound okay?"

It sounded way too good to be true. Heero swallowed around a lump forming in his throat. "Yeah," he choked out. "I'll… see you later, then."

Relena nodded briskly, echoing his parting words as she sauntered upstairs. Heero remained where he was, watching her go, not quite believing what was happening. She was putting off talking to him about their relationship, on purpose. And yet, she was also allowing him to come home for an indeterminate amount of time.

It wasn't a resolution, but… it wasn't an ending, either.

Eventually, Heero managed to get himself moving. He located his wallet and car keys, and decided to trade the leather jacket he'd worn the night before for his much warmer wool coat– yet another item he'd failed to grab the last time he was home, the night everything went to hell.

Heero shrugged on his coat and headed out to his car. He pulled out of the garage and into the driveway, glancing up at the pale morning sky as the winter sunshine warmed his face.

And he smiled.

A/N: Hi, everyone! I feel so far away from this story right now because NaNoWriMo is kicking my butt! I've got around 30,000 words written of my sci-fi fantasy story, and it's so wacky and fun to write but is basically taking up all my free time right now. Also, next week my husband and I are closing on a new house, so EEEEEE! Needless to say, my world feels a little topsy-turvy right now. But I will do my best to stay on top of this story! I hope you're enjoying it, still :D After this chapter it kinda feels like we're close to an ending, huh? But oh, yeah, there's still some stuff that needs to happen... mwuahaha... Thank you so much for following and reviewing!

Hugs & Heero (no seriously, someone give him biiiiiiig hugs)!

- RFP