Chapter Eighteen: Those Old Butterflies

So bitter

In my heart and in my mouth

She's a quitter

But I guess we're both quitting now

Oh, well

There's always a second time around

It was hard to breathe

She was holding me

Now she's gone and I can't get no air

Those old butterflies

Guess they haven't died

'Cause they're eating me alive in there

– John Paul White (formerly of The Civil Wars), "Black Leaf"

Heero arrived back in his apartment to a low, drawn-out whistle, followed by a one-man chorus of bow-chicka-wow-wow's. He glared at Duo, who was stretched out on the couch with his feet propped up one end. Duo shot Heero an indolent grin.

"Well…?"

Heero didn't answer, just strode over to the kitchen and opened the cabinet where he kept a box of instant coffee. It would pale in comparison to Relena's, but fixing a cup would give him something to do. He busied himself filling the kettle with water and setting it on the stovetop to boil.

Unfortunately, Duo either didn't pick up on social cues, or didn't care– knowing him, a combination of both. He followed Heero into the kitchen, still sporting that goofy, lopsided grin.

"So… I assume you and the missus kissed and made up?" He elbowed Heero's side. "And then some, eh?"

"None of your business," Heero said automatically. He kept his back to Duo, fixing his gaze on the kettle and willing it to boil already.

"Nice," Duo said with a chuckle. Heero remained impassive. Fine; let him think what he wanted.

"I'm going back to the house, so I figured I'd drop you at HQ." Heero glanced back at Duo.

"What?!" Duo squawked. "How 'bout I drop you off, and you give me your car for the day?"

Heero snorted. "How about… no."

Duo folded his arms over his chest and leaned back against the nearest counter. "Then what am I supposed to do for a vehicle, hmm?"

"Ever heard of a rental?"

"I mean for free. I'm not made of moola, ya know."

Heero shrugged one shoulder. "Take a car from work."

Duo's eyes bulged. "Aw, yeah, I keep forgettin' you're in charge now. Une would never in a million years let me–" He cut himself off with a nervous chuckle. "Ya know what? Forget I said anything."

Heero gave him a cutting look. "Why? What'd you do?" Duo just laughed again, reaching up to scratch the back of his head. Heero sighed. "Try not to total anything, all right?"

"I mean…" Duo spread his hands. "That's what insurance is for, right?"

Heero narrowed his eyes. "Don't make me fire you."

"Ooh, looks like the boss man's in a mood. He must be dyin' to get back to wifey and his warm be– oof!" Duo was silenced by a swift jab to the ribs.

"Talk about Relena again, and I'll pawn you off on Barton for the rest of your stay," Heero warned.

Duo bent forward, clutching his abdomen and sucking in a deep, shaky breath. Heero rolled his eyes at the dramatics– he hadn't hit the other man that hard.

"Please, anything but that," Duo groaned. "I won't last a second in Trowa's creepy-ass clown apartment!"

Heero chuckled darkly. Barton did have odd taste in decor. "Look," Heero said, "I'll just bring you to HQ and you can barnacle on to whoever you want, all right?"

Duo sighed. "Yeah, okay, swell. So when do you expect you'll be back, anyway?"

"No idea," Heero answered honestly. "I'll give you a key."

"A key, eh?" Duo let out a low whistle. "Really slummin' it these days, aintcha?" Heero grunted a nonverbal reply, to which Duo chuckled. "Ah, well. Not much longer though, right?"

"Guess not." Heero declined to go into further detail. Duo didn't know the real reason Heero and Relena were separated; he didn't need to know. No one did.

The kettle sang out as it finally reached the boiling point, so Heero set about making two cups of shitty instant coffee. Duo pulled a face as Heero handed him a mug of the soupy brown liquid, but didn't otherwise complain.

"Well..." Duo said after taking a tentative sip. "Must feel pretty good, going back home."

For the first time in their entire exchange, Heero allowed himself to smile. "Yeah. It does."

And yet he couldn't escape the feeling of dread that loomed like a stormcloud, threatening to burst overhead. He opened his mouth to say more, then clamped it shut. Part of him wanted to tell Duo – tell someone – everything that was plaguing him. The truth about what went wrong with Relena. The truth about Raquel. But talking about it out loud would make it all too real, and Heero was still hoping this was all some nightmare he could still wake up from, any moment.

Heero did his best to push his worries from his mind as he got ready for the rest of the day. He ignored Relena's request not to shower and ending up changing into one of his uniforms, which was slightly rumpled and therefore might meet his wife's approval– if they were going to try to convince their daughter that he had just landed from a mission. Which Heero still thought was an absurd idea, but if Relena insisted, he felt he had to go along with it. While he was at it, he threw what few possessions he'd brought to the apartment into his duffel bag – he hadn't had time to pack a suitcase the night Relena had thrown him out – and tossed it into the backseat of his car, earning an annoying little smirk from Duo.

It took maximum effort to continue to ignore Duo's constant innuendos throughout their breakfast together, and then their ride over to HQ. Heero found himself counting down the minutes to when he could return home and see his daughter again. Not to mention, his wife…

His mind roved over every possible scenario he could conjure. Today could either go smoothly or terribly wrong, he realized. There was no room for failure. No matter what, he had to try to keep Relena happy, even if that meant going along with her lie. At least for now. He could only pray Ellie wouldn't see right through her parents' deceit and call them out on it. Their kid was pretty sharp, after all, something that normally made Heero swell with pride. But here he was hoping they could fool her. He felt like an ass, a feeling he was experiencing far too frequently these days. All he could do now was hope that he would have a chance to put everything right.

Any hope he'd been harboring died the minute he and Duo entered the Preventers office, where he found Trowa leaning over a cubicle wall, his long bangs obscuring half his face, as he spoke to a woman sitting in the cube. A woman with an all too familiar dark, messy bun.

Heero halted his movements, his chest seizing up.

Duo paused beside him, shooting Heero a sideways glance. "Wassup?"

Trowa's head jerked up, and so did hers. Trowa greeted Heero and Duo with a tip of his chin, his expression blank as ever.

Heero willed his own face to stay neutral, but had a feeling he'd already lost that battle. Raquel, for her part, looked just as shocked to see him. Her cheeks reddened and her eyes widened before she lowered them to her lap.

Heero quickly recovered. This was his domain. And Raquel was not supposed to be there, under his explicit order.

"Barton." Heero slid his gaze to Trowa. "My office," Heero barked. "Now."

With a heavy sigh, Relena set down the book she had been trying to read for the past hour or so. All she'd managed to do so far was reread the same paragraph over and over until the page blurred. Her head was swimming, and nausea still roiled her stomach. She'd made another cup of tea – peppermint, this time – and nibbled on a few saltine crackers, but nothing seemed to make her feel any better.

Of course, she knew the real reason for her troubled thoughts and nervous stomach, and had to wonder if it was that, and not food poisoning, that had brought on this bout of sickness in the first place.

Giving up on the book entirely, Relena swung her legs over the side of the bed. Maybe a hot shower would help. At the very least, she wanted to freshen up before Ellie got home. Heero would be back soon, too, and then… Well, Relena didn't know what. She could only hope that they could remain civil with one another long enough to give their daughter a pleasant weekend, before they ruined her life with the truth.

Pushing that unbearable thought aside, Relena padded into the bathroom and over to the shower stall– another custom, state-of-the-art feature in the master bathroom that was nothing short of gorgeous. Heero had really outdone himself here; the beautiful, colorful mosaic of glass, stone and tile he'd installed rivaled the handiwork of any craftsman. Whenever Relena stepped into the shower, she felt as if she were in a luxury spa. And this was just one of many rooms in their home Heero had labored in until it was absolutely perfect. He'd done all of it, for her.

Relena let out a frustrated huff. Look where all of that perfection had gotten them.

She continued trying to bat negative thoughts away as she stepped into the shower, squeezed shampoo into her palm and began to work up a lather. The steamy air around her became clogged with a heady mix of neroli, lavender and jasmine. Heavenly, calming scents, doing nothing to calm her at all. Memories swirled in her mind, and even the happiest ones only served to taunt her.

Relena spent a moment struggling to hold back her tears before giving in and letting them roll down her face, mingling with the shower stream. Try as she might, she just couldn't see how they were going to make this work. There was too much hurt and anger between them. Too much between them, period. And yet, their lives were so intertwined, unraveling them was proving to be even more complicated…

"What are we going to do?" Relena sighed, out loud, to no one.

All she could do, for now, was vow not to let herself dissolve into a crying mess in front of Heero or Ellie. No matter what, she would not fall apart. She was stronger than that. Relena rinsed the shampoo out of her hair and finished up her shower, newly determined.

But as she stood at the bathroom mirror and combed the knots out of her wet hair, keeping her composure was becoming more and more difficult. Especially as her mind kept straying to the events of the night before. And what an eventful night it had been. For one thing, Relena never could have imagined pulling a gun on Heero, even though he had taken her by surprise. But then as they'd argued, her anger had mounted until she felt like she actually could kill him, or at least try to make him suffer as much as she had. Those kinds of thoughts terrified her; and yet they paled in comparison to the mere possibility of being pregnant right now.

In truth, she didn't know what she would have done if the hospital's test had come back positive. Heero had asked her if it would make a difference; but how could it? How could they possibly put everything behind them and come together to raise a baby?

And yet, crazy and complicated as it was… Relena couldn't deny the sharp pang of longing that struck her. She wanted to have a baby; wanted it more than anything. Finding out that she wasn't pregnant had only reaffirmed the desire in her heart. And she knew, then and there, despite everything that had happened between her and Heero… if she had actually been pregnant, she would have figured it out. Relena shook her head at her pale, miserable-looking reflection. Ruminating on all of this now was pointless. She wasn't pregnant, so… it was time to let those hopes and dreams go, once and for all.

Relena returned to her bedroom and went through the motions of getting dressed, selecting a soft, oversized blush-colored sweater and an equally cozy pair of leggings and knee-high socks before traipsing back to bed. She wasn't up for doing anything else at the moment, knowing she needed to rest and regain her strength. Maybe she'd just stay in bed and let Heero spend the day with Ellie alone. It wasn't a terrible idea, or so she tried to convince herself. Part of her wanted to be around to make sure Heero didn't tell Ellie anything potentially upsetting, but then why would he? He'd have to be stupid to risk their already-tenuous relationship, and Heero was anything but stupid. Although his recent course of actions had left Relena questioning that quite a bit…

And yet, as she laid in their king-sized bed, alone, as she'd been alone for the past two months, Relena became acutely aware of another pang of longing. It was probably just the baby thing, she told herself. Because there was no good reason that, tired and sick as she was, all she wanted right now was Heero. In bed with her. Holding her, kissing her, and…

No. She tried to force the thoughts away, but they kept invading her mind. Damn it.

With a groan, Relena rolled over to face her nightstand and reached for her phone, heart pounding. Before she could stop herself, she scrolled to the most recent name on her call list and dialed.

The first ring had barely sounded before Heero answered. "Hey," he murmured on the other end. "Everything all right?"

"Hi. Um." For some reason, Relena was suddenly tongue-tied. She screamed at herself inwardly, but forced herself to get the words out. "Where are you right now?"

"At work." Relena could hear another muffled voice in the background, possibly Trowa's.

"Oh." Relena's heart continued to thrash wildly in her chest, although she still couldn't fathom why. Stop being stupid, she chided herself. "Well, do you think you could get over here soon? I… was hoping we could talk for a bit before Ellie gets home." There. That sounded reasonable enough. Didn't it?

"I'll be right there." Heero's eagerness didn't surprise her in the least. It almost made her smile.

Ugh, you idiot, she scolded herself. Stop it.

Relena was going to have to try a lot harder than that to fight the useless desires that were welling up now that she had gone and foolishly invited Heero to come home earlier than they'd originally agreed to. And yet, she decided it was a good thing, overall; they really did need to talk.

"Okay… great," Relena squeaked out. She cleared her throat, trying to sound more assured, confident. Nonchalant. "See you soon, then."

"All right," Heero said. "I'll head out in a few. There's just… something I have to take care of first."

"Okay." Good; that should give her time to compose herself again. "Drive safe," she added softly. It was something she'd always said to him, which he was sure to notice.

"I will," Heero said, and Relena thought she detected a trace of emotion in his voice. "See you soon."

"Okay…" she murmured. "'Bye."

"Later."

Relena quickly disconnected the call and thrust the phone away from her like it was on fire. Eeeeep. What was she doing, exactly? Did she want a baby so badly that she was willing to just… overlook everything Heero had done and hop back into bed with him? No; no way. She sat up straight in bed, pulling her knees up to her chest, and tried to think of the best way to approach this whole situation. No way was she going to just forgive Heero and sweep everything under the rug. First, she was going to demand another explanation. He was going to have to walk her through that horrible night, all over again. Painful as reliving all of that would be, Relena knew there was no way around it; they had to talk about it.

But, then… maybe, just maybe, they could reach some sort of understanding. Maybe Relena should try to hear him out; maybe there was something she had missed the first time, when she was so blinded by hurt and anger. Heero had been hurt by her reaction, too. She recalled something he'd said to her, in the midst of her throwing him out of the house… that if the situation had been reversed, he would have believed her. And instead of blaming her for some guy just crawling into her bed, without her knowledge or consent… Heero would have been hunting that man down.

Relena let out a deep sigh. Perhaps that's what she should have been doing all this time– tracking down the girl who had apparently accosted her husband, and threatening to kill her. Because that seemed like a logical thing for a pacifist politician to do…

But then, maybe finding this girl wasn't such a bad idea. Then Relena could hear her side of the story, and decide for herself who was telling the truth. Better yet, maybe Relena could get the other woman and Heero to take a polygraph test.

The thought made Relena chuckle sadly. Of course, she wished she could just believe her husband unreservedly. If she made him take a test, he'd probably resent her. But for the third party… a lie detector test might just do the trick.

At last, Relena smiled. She liked this idea and planned to bring it up to Heero. Then perhaps they could move on from this nightmare, once and for all.

Relena's smile stayed put as she laid back against her pillows, feeling more rested already. Moments later, she was about to nod off when the alert for the front gate buzzed. Frowning, she rolled out of bed and wandered over to the large set of windows that overlooked the front yard and gate, peering around the lace curtains.

A Rolls Royce she didn't recognize was parked outside the gate. Her frown deepened as she made her way over to one of the sleek, nearly-invisible wall panels where Heero had installed a screen and intercom– there were panels in all of the main rooms in the house, including their bedroom. The screen showed the face of a driver she had never seen before, either. Relena drew in a breath, her hand hesitating over the intercom button. She knew Heero would prefer she not answer anyone when she was home alone, but she had been living alone for the past few months without trouble. And anyway, she didn't have to let anyone in; she just wanted to see who it was.

Mind made up, she pushed the button. "Hello?"

"Hello, Miss Relena?" the driver spoke into the intercom with a thick English accent. "I have a Dr. Paul Montgomery here to see you."

Paul?! Relena's mind raced, and her heartbeat quickened. What was he doing here? Relena pursed her lips before answering the driver.

"All right…" she said slowly, trying to decide what to do. Well, she should at least see what Paul wanted, shouldn't she? It was only polite. He probably just wanted to check on her. Relena pressed the intercom button again. "I'll buzz you in."

A/N: Dear friends, thank you for your patience while this story has been on hiatus. I stepped away to get a little Christmas-y, but we're back! Don't worry, if you're also following the Christmas story, I will be wrapping that one up soon; I just wrote more than I'd originally planned and wound up losing steam. That's why the goal was to finish it before the holidays ended, but oh well! :P You know how it goes... so many stories, so little time...

Speaking of sooo many stoires, that's another reason my current WIPs have been delayed... I've been cooking up a little something extra for next month: part of a special project that another FF writer friend is resurrecting and I'm sure will be announced soon, so I won't spoil anything, but do stay tuned!

I hope you are having a lovely January and enjoying a gentle, restful season as we embark on this new year and decade.

Cheers!

- RFP