Chapter Nineteen: The Trouble with Wanting
Wandering soul
Wandering mind
Wondering what's gone wrong with me
And try not to try
Swayed by the wind
Swayed by desire
Can't reach the moon up above
And I can't touch the fire
'Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
And I want you all the time
Always on my mind
Always alone
You could be miles and miles away
But somehow you're close
If I can't have my cake
And I can't eat it, too
Well I guess the sound of your voice
And the aching will just have to do
'Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
And I want you all the time
– Joy Williams (formerly of The Civil Wars), "The Trouble with Wanting"
Heero pocketed his mobile and turned back to face Trowa, who was leaning against Heero's office door. The other agent tipped his chin toward Heero.
"Everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," Heero said, hoping that was the case, for a change. Relena had sounded odd over the phone. Not upset or angry, just… odd. Heero was eager to get back to their house and see what she wanted. Frankly, he was relieved that she wanted to talk to him at all; that was progress, at least. At the moment, nothing else mattered.
Except for the annoying matter at hand.
Heero fought back a sigh and did his best to temper his aggravation. "Look. About Agent Morena… you do realize she's currently under suspension."
Trowa shrugged one shoulder. "Yeah. I fail to recall your mentioning why, though."
"Doesn't matter," Heero said tersely. "She's banned from the premises. I trust you'll escort her out?"
Trowa's lips quirked into a bemused smile. "That an order?"
Heero's eyes narrowed. "Affirmative. One I expect you to follow, unless you want to get your ass suspended as well."
Trowa's smile flattened. "You're in a mood. Not that it surprises me, though."
Heero crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't appreciate or tolerate disobedience, Agent Gamma. My authority should not be questioned."
Trowa balked at the use of his codename and mirrored Heero's aggressive stance. "And I believe in checks and balances, of which there have been disturbingly few since you took the helm of this organization."
Heero's muscles tensed as his temper flared. He took a few steps closer to Trowa. "Bullshit," he said through clenched teeth. "You just enjoy overriding me. You want to sit in the command seat so badly? Why don't you try your best to get rid of me, then?"
Trowa scoffed and rolled his one visible eye. "Calm down. Just because I question some of your decisions doesn't mean I want to overthrow you. I don't give a shit if you're in charge. However, it's pretty obvious to me that you've been out of line lately, and I doubt I'm the only one who's noticed."
He took a step toward Heero, too, bearing down on the commander with his superior height. The other Preventer towered over Heero by a few inches, something that normally didn't bother Heero, but at the moment made his nostrils flare. Trowa, for his part, remained cool and collected.
"You need to get a grip, Heero," he said calmly. "I'm saying that as your friend."
"Right." Heero had to work to keep from rolling his own eyes. "Then as my friend and my second, I'd appreciate it if you just did what I ask. You're more than welcome to question anything that violates protocol. But in this case–"
"What'd she do?" Trowa cut in, frowning. "You should tell me that, at least."
Heero clenched and unclenched his jaw, then focused on remaining perfectly still. Trowa was an expert at reading body language, which made him a master interrogator. Indeed, the green-eyed Preventer was watching Heero closely. A little too closely.
"It's a long story," Heero said at last. "I don't have time to get into it now." Relena was waiting for him, he didn't need to add. Trowa held his gaze for a tense moment, then nodded.
"Fine. We'll talk first thing Monday, then."
"Fine," Heero echoed. "In the meantime, see that Agent Morena vacates the campus, and understands that she is not to return for the duration of her suspension." He tipped his chin upward. "Copy?"
"I copy," Trowa said evenly. "Just so you're aware, she only came here to gather her things. Apparently she'd been trying to get a hold of you while you were… out of the office. She contacted me and I tried to call you first, to no avail. So I figured it would be all right if she stopped by." He gave a nonchalant shrug. "Guess I figured wrong."
Heero frowned. He hadn't noticed Raquel gathering anything when he came into the office; she'd just been sitting at her workstation, chatting with Trowa like she had all the time in the world. "What things?"
"Just some files on her computer," Trowa said, impassive. "Pay stubs, personal photos, that sort of thing."
"No one should have personal files on their work computers," Heero grunted.
Trowa shrugged. "People do, though. And before you ask, yes, I made sure she wasn't taking anything sensitive, and I'll check everything over again before she leaves."
"Fine," Heero said again, hoping that would be the end of this matter, all the while knowing better. "Before that... please ask Agent Morena to see me."
Much as he dreaded having another conversation with Raquel, Heero knew it needed to happen. He needed to make sure he'd covered all his bases before he faced Relena again.
Trowa's one visible brow arched, but he didn't argue. "Roger," Trowa said, and swept out of the room.
Heero could only guess what the other man was thinking, knowing he could easily draw some dark conclusions. Then again, Heero would have been surprised if the other Preventer hadn't already put two and two together; few things got past Trowa. Heero would have to worry about that later, though. For now, he just braced his palms on his desk and took in a deep, steadying breath before Raquel stepped into his office...
Relena paused before the front door, drawing in a deep, steadying breath. By now Paul would be waiting on the other side. And here she was, hesitating before undoing the many latches that kept her safely locked inside her veritable fortress.
Heero would be livid.
And yet, if Relena managed to keep her visit with Paul short and sweet, like she planned to, there would be no need for Heero to know. Not that she planned on keeping it a secret from him, but she doubted there would be anything to tell him.
Paul was just worried about her; that was all. He'd called and texted a few times in the night to check on Relena after her sudden illness had cut their evening short. Relena had finally texted him back in the morning, filling him in on what happened. She'd mentioned going to the hospital, but left out the fact that Heero had taken her. She didn't think it mattered, though; nor did she think Paul would press the issue.
She pulled the heavy oak door open, revealing Paul in an oversized gray wool peacoat. His hazel eyes twinkled at her from behind his tortoiseshell glasses. He was holding a brown paper bag that looked like takeout. Indeed, a savory smell wafted toward Relena.
"Paul!" she exclaimed, hoping she looked and sounded more welcoming than she felt at the moment, standing there in her comfy 'round-the-house clothes. "Please, come in. You must be freezing."
Paul flashed her a grin as he stepped over the threshold. "You know, you have some nerve," he scolded her in his posh accent.
"Oh?" Relena's brows lifted. "How so?"
Paul's lips twitched. "You're supposed to be sick, but you look absolutely stunning." His eyes roved over her sweater-and-legging clad form appreciatively. Relena immediately flushed.
"Goodness." She waved a hand. "I appreciate the compliment, but I'm hardly feeling my best at the moment."
"Could've fooled me, or anyone else with eyes," Paul said with a laugh. "But then I'm sure you look this beautiful at all times of day."
Relena's face continued to flame. "You're too kind," she demurred. Then she glanced around the foyer, knowing the polite thing to do would be to invite Paul to hang his coat and take a seat. But she'd already asked Heero to hurry back home, and he could be there any minute...
Her furtive glances didn't escape Paul's notice. "I'm sorry," he said, sidling up next to her. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"
"No, it's just… my daughter will be coming home soon, and I'd prefer that she not meet any… gentlemen friends, for the time being."
Paul's eyes widened behind his glasses. "Ah… I'm sorry. I should have known. I won't keep you long, then. I just wanted to drop this off for you." He held the bag out to Relena. "Chicken soup. If I'd had more time, I would've made you some myself, but the épicerie near my flat had some on special today, and it smelled simply divine."
"That's very kind of you." Relena smiled at Paul reassuringly as she accepted the bag. "I really appreciate it."
"It was no trouble at all. And please, if you need anything, I hope you won't hesitate to call me." His smile faltered as he clasped a hand to his chest. "I feel absolutely wretched about last night…"
Relena lifted her shoulders in a shrug. "These things happen. And anyway, I'm feeling much better now." Which was mostly true. She was doing the best she'd done in hours, at least, but wondered how long she could stay vertical before she'd start heaving again. Her nose crinkled at the thought, but she did her best to keep a smile plastered on her face.
"Well, I'm relieved to know that you're feeling better." Paul's smile returned as he took a step toward her. Relena found herself taking one step back.
"Thank you; I really appreciate it." If she kept going, she'd bump into the bannister. Relena was thinking of a polite way to ask Paul to leave before Heero could come home and murder him when Paul's gaze landed on something behind her.
"It appears you have company." His lips pressed into a firm line.
"Hmm?" Relena turned to see where he was looking. Her eyes fell upon Heero's leather jacket, which was draped over the bannister, on top of her own coat.
Her mouth dropped open. She could easily come up with some excuse – it was hers, she liked oversized things; it was Heero's and she had just taken it out to have it cleaned – but decided that she had nothing to hide here. "It's Heero's," she said, adding a nonchalant shrug. "He must have left it."
Paul frowned. "He was here? I thought you two were separated…"
"We are…" Relena started. "But yes, he was here last night. He took me to the hospital." She saw no harm in telling Paul that. She wasn't sure what impression he was under, but she didn't feel she owed him any explanation.
"Oh." Paul's brow furrowed. "Well, you might have mentioned that…"
"I'm sorry." Relena frowned, too, annoyed at herself for apologizing, when she didn't even owe him an apology. "I didn't think it was worth mentioning," she added.
"So you and Heero are still seeing one another, then?" Paul's tone was cool and crisp. It took Relena aback.
"I mean…we're married," she said simply.
Paul's expression turned to ice.
Heero glanced up from his desk as a timid knock sounded on his office door. Raquel stood in the doorway with those doe eyes of hers wide and glossy, looking every bit the proverbial deer in headlights. Heero sighed inwardly and motioned her in.
"Close the door, please," he said through gritted teeth. "Please" was not his favorite word, but he was attempting to curb his asshole tendencies.
Raquel obeyed and took a few tentative steps toward his desk. "You… wanted to see me?"
Heero gestured for her to have a seat. She did so silently. Gathering every bit of composure he could muster, he looked her squarely in the eyes. "How are you feeling?"
Raquel's face appeared to drain of all its color. "Um… fine, mostly."
"Have you seen a doctor?" To his dismay, Raquel shook her head.
"Not yet."
Heero's eyes tightened. "How come?"
"I have an appointment, but it's not for another week." Heero's agitation must have spilled onto his features, because Raquel looked even more frightened than she had been when she'd first walked in.
"It's the soonest I could get in," she said, shrinking back in her seat.
Heero nodded, his mind whirring. "I see. Did you schedule an ultrasound?"
Raquel nodded briskly. "Yes."
"Text me the appointment details," Heero said gruffly.
Raquel's eyes widened even more, somehow. "You mean you want to be there?"
"Want" was not the word. Heero struggled again to keep his rage in check as he shifted in his seat. "Not especially, but I should."
Raquel's surprised expression gave way to indignation. "You want to make sure I'm not faking, is that it?"
"Something like that," Heero admitted. "Can you blame me? I'd be a fool to just take you at your word."
Raquel gaped at him. "Why on earth do you think I would make something like this up? You think I want to be pregnant right now? I'm only twenty-three!"
Heero huffed. "Call me crazy, but you sounded happy about it over the phone."
"Well, I wasn't," she shot back. "Although despite these circumstances, I do want the baby." She rested her hands on her belly. Heero quickly looked away.
"I understand," he grumbled, although he was still far from understanding this bizarre situation he'd found himself in. "Just… keep me in the loop. Got it? For now, you should go home and get some rest."
Raquel nodded, her face taking on a dazed expression. "All right." She made as if to stand, but instead leaned forward and peered closely at Heero. "And how are you doing with… all of this?"
Heero blinked once. "How do you think I'm doing?"
"Not great?" Raquel winced and shrunk back in her seat again.
"Nope," Heero said flatly. "I'll feel a lot better after you get that paternity test, though."
Raquel pursed her lips. "Well, prepare yourself. I haven't been with anyone else in a long time, so… this baby could only be yours."
Heero felt a shudder crawl down his back. "I'll believe it when I see it."
"We'll see, soon enough." Raquel gave him a half-smile. Heero had to fight the bile that arose in his throat.
Relena was perplexed over the unexpected drama playing out in her foyer.
Paul was downright peeved over the fact that Heero had been in the house. Relena, meanwhile, was confused over where all of this was coming from. She hadn't expected Paul to grow so attached, so soon.
"I'm sorry," she said for what felt like too many times already, "but I really didn't mean to give you the wrong impression…"
Paul didn't answer her at first. He had taken to pacing across the marble floor. Relena let out a deep sigh.
"Paul…"
A muscle feathered in his jaw. "You know, when I took you out last night, I believed that I was wining and dining a separated, soon-to-be divorced woman. Not a woman who still sees herself as married."
"But I am still married." Relena winced. "Technically."
"Technically?!" Paul boomed. Relena flinched and stepped backward, her back brushing up against the bannister, and Heero's leather jacket. She sighed as Paul continued to pace.
"I believe you're overreacting," she said as calmly as she could. "You had said you wanted to get together to discuss your project. If I gave you any other impression, then I sincerely apologize…"
Paul ceased his pacing with a heavy sigh of his own. "You're right, Relena, of course. I'm sorry for overreacting. And I did want to discuss my project with you, but I got… carried away, I suppose." He gave her a sad smile and shrugged his shoulders. "And the way you talked about your husband… I assumed your marriage was over, and that I might actually have a chance. But you know what they say about assumptions."
Relena groaned inwardly. She should have known something like this would happen.
"Look, Paul… I think you're very kind, and sweet, but…" She splayed both her hands, still holding the takeout bag in one of them. "This is just really bad timing. Heero and I have a lot of issues to sort through and we haven't made any decisions yet." Her eyes strayed to the grandfather clock on the opposite wall. "And he will probably be home any minute, so…"
Paul followed her gaze. "He's coming back?"
Relena nodded. "He's spending the day with Ellie…"
Paul sighed again and dropped his gaze. "Right. I'm terribly sorry for intruding."
"It's all right." Relena gave an easy shrug, belying the uneasy feeling that roiled her gut. "I do appreciate your stopping by." She managed a tentative smile. "And thank you for the soup."
"You're welcome." Paul returned her smile, although the light seemed to have gone out of his eyes. "I hope it helps."
"I'm sure it will." Relena moved away from the bannister, toward the front door, still clutching the takeout bag in her hands. Paul followed alongside her.
"Well, do keep me posted," he said jovially. "And, when you are feeling better… I don't suppose you'd be willing to pick up where we left off, regarding the project?" His eyes were newly hopeful.
"Ah… sure," Relena said slowly. "Why don't we chat on Monday?" Part of her was leery of Paul's true motives; the other part of her wanted to believe that he was a reasonable man who would be able to put this misunderstanding aside so that they could continue to work together. They were both professionals, after all, and her interest in his project was sincere.
"Monday sounds lovely," Paul said, his smile reaching his eyes. Relena smiled back, and reached for the door handle.
But the door was already being pushed by someone on the other side. Relena's chest clenched.
The door swung open to reveal Heero, his black winter coat covering his Preventer's uniform, with a duffle bag slung over one shoulder, and two massive bouquets of pink roses tucked into his other arm.
Their eyes met and locked for a beat before Heero slid his gaze to Paul. Relena had to give Heero credit; his expression didn't even falter.
Relena opened her mouth to say something, but Heero beat her to the punch.
"I don't believe we've been introduced," he said in an even tone, his sharp gaze still fixed on Paul. "My name is Heero Yuy."
A/N: Dun dun dun...
Happy nearly end of January, friends, and welcome back to this story! I have to say, it's good to be back in this one. I hope you're having as much fun reading it as I am writing it!
On a musical note, I really love the song that this chapter is named for, and Joy Williams was just nominated for a Grammy for the album this track is on– and it was her first Grammy nomination as a solo artist. Alas, she didn't win, but it really is a beautiful album, so I highly recommend checking it out, and listening while you read! I've mentioned before that I have a playlist on Spotify for this story; if you find me (Erin Dale Darling) on Spotify, the playlist is titled "Poison & Wine" (obviously).
Stay "tuned" for more, and have a wonderful week!
Love love love,
- RFP