Chapter Twenty-Two: If I Have To

I'm gonna break things

I'm gonna cross the line

And make you wake up

'Cause you won't

I'm gonna name names,

I'm gonna call us out

I'm gonna say it

If you won't

'Cause do I love you

Oh, I do

And I'm going to 'til I'm gone

But if you think that I can stay in this

Same old, same old

Well, I don't

Oh I don't wanna fight

But I'll fight with you

If I have to, If I have to...

Heero's thoughts and emotions were a jumbled mess as he followed Relena into their bedroom, after they'd both tucked Ellie in for the night. Something they hadn't done in quite a while, as their daughter had started insisting some time ago that she was too old for that. But tonight, after they finished watching her movie, Ellie had practically begged them to tuck her in together. Relena was all smiles as they left Ellie's room, extending her hand to Heero. He took it and returned the squeeze she gave him.

He knew what was coming, and if he could just silence his racing thoughts for the time being, he could just relax and enjoy the rest of the night with his wife. But Heero knew that wasn't going to happen. They needed to talk, and after they did, he'd be counting down the seconds to when Relena was going to throw him out again.

Part of Heero still held out hope, though, that Relena would be willing to hear his side and decide to forgive him. She had told him she loved him, after all; anything was possible.

At this point, things could go either way. Heero braced himself for whatever might lie ahead.

Relena was still smiling as she shut the bedroom door and leaned her back against it, facing Heero.

"So," she said, her eyes gleaming up at him. "I'd say today went exceptionally well. Wouldn't you?"

"So… you're happy, then?" Heero asked, keeping a respectable distance between them. Just in case his wife decided she wanted to start throwing things at him again.

Relena shrugged one shoulder. "Ellie's happy, so I'm happy." Her permanent smile suggested that she was happy enough all on her own, though.

And at that, she moved away from the door and sauntered over to Heero, placing both her hands on his chest. "Now how about that kiss you owe me?" Her eyes danced up at him. Heero brought his hands up to meet hers.

"What made you change your mind?" he asked, grasping her hands in his. Relena's smile softened.

"Well… I've had a lot of time to think, Heero."

"Since last night?" Between now and then, there had been a marked change. If Heero hadn't screwed up in a major way, he might have attributed Relena's rapidly-shifting emotional state to just mood swings, but in this case he did feel that he was responsible. Even if it was all just some massive misunderstanding. At least he still hoped that was all it was.

Relena bit her lower lip. "Last night, I… was a little high strung." She laughed lightly, lowering her eyes. "I really didn't mean to freak out at you. It was just like everything was so pent up, for so long…"

"I understand," Heero murmured, rubbing his thumbs over the back of her hands. Her skin was so soft and smooth, still, like it was when they were just teenagers. She looked back up at him, her eyes and lips moist. Heero's gaze immediately dropped to her tantalizing mouth… God, how he wanted to kiss her, and then some. It was difficult to think of little else.

But Relena dropped his hands and stepped out of their embrace. Heero followed after her like a lost dog, wondering if she wanted the same thing.

She sat down on the edge of the king-sized bed and looked up at Heero expectantly. He dropped down beside her, and Relena tucked her legs up underneath her. They sat on top of the patterned throw blanket at the end of the bed, and Relena began twisting the fringed edges between her fingers.

"Seeing you with Ellie today… I realized how wrong it was for me to keep you from her all this time," Relena murmured. She took in a deep breath, and turned to face him. Her eyes were still damp. "I'm really sorry, Heero."

He inched closer to her, taking her hands in his. "It's all right. You did what you thought you needed to at the time."

Relena shook her head fiercely. "No, it's not all right. I shouldn't have let my feelings toward you get in the way of your relationship with Ellie. I should have let you continue to parent her. It's just…" She dropped her gaze again. "I was afraid."

"Of what?" Heero prompted her.

"That we'd have to admit to Ellie that we were having problems. And then we might have really been on our way to divorce. I guess… I didn't want to admit that everything we'd worked so hard for could all come crashing down, just like that."

Heero frowned, processing all of this as he continued to hold her hands in his. "You seemed... like you wanted to proceed right to a divorce, without even trying to work on things."

Relena heaved a deep sigh. "I know. Because I was afraid. There was some part of me that thought it might be easier to just rip off the band-aid, I guess."

Heero sighed as well. "That wouldn't have solved the problem, though."

"No, it wouldn't have." Relena was silent for a moment before taking in another shuddering breath. "You do understand, Heero, why I was so upset with you in the first place?"

He felt a deep, burning sense of shame course through him. "Yeah." He kept his eyes glued on their joined hands. "You thought I cheated on you."

Relena bit her lip. "It's not just that… because of that one time," she added. Heero frowned as she plowed ahead. "I thought it had been happening for a while."

"What?" Heero's brow screwed up. "You thought… what? That I was having an affair?"

Relena nodded. "Uh-huh. I thought, that night you told me what happened… you were lying about it being accidental, because you were just trying to soften the blow. Or alleviate your guilt."

Heero released one of his hands from hers and rubbed it down his face. "I… don't understand. Why would you ever think that?"

"Lots of little things. Shortly after you hired her, you started being... less available." Relena began ticking off on her fingers. "You answered your phone less. Came home later than you'd said you would, smelling of booze… if you even bothered coming home at all."

Heero frowned. "That was because of the stress of my promotion. Nothing else."

Relena shrugged both shoulders. "Well, like I said, it was right around the same time you hired her, so…"

"I hired a bunch of people at the same time," Heero said, his chest tightening as indignation rose inside him. "And she wasn't even my original hire; she was Une's."

"I know," Relena said. "But I convinced myself there had to be something going on. She's just really pretty, and–"

"I hadn't noticed," Heero cut her off gruffly. Relena rolled her eyes.

"Please. You've had an up-close and personal view, at this point."

Heero shook his head, still frowning. "Not exactly. I didn't really have a good look, nor did I want to."

Relena groaned and covered her face with her hands. Heero edged closer and slipped his arm around her. "Sorry…" he started.

Relena lowered her hands to her lap and began twisting them together "No… it's all right. I'm still trying to understand. Why don't you… take me through what happened that night again." Her eyes flared, a determined look crossing her features. "I think I need to know."

Heero nodded slowly. "All right…" He paused to take in a steadying breath. This was the part he'd been dreading. But he needed to just rip off the band-aid, as Relena had said.

And so Heero talked. He told Relena, again, of the night he'd found out one of his newest recruits had passed away, and Heero felt personally responsible.

Heero knew for several weeks that Damian was struggling. The boy was young, in his early twenties, and while he had passed all of his tests with flying colors, it didn't take long for Heero to notice that something was off. Rather than allow Damian to accompany the new team to the Arabian base for more drills, Heero suggested the new Preventer take some time off. The boy had been outraged– more embarrassed than anything else, probably. Heero thought he understood how his trainee felt, but placed him on medical leave regardless, requiring a psychiatric evaluation. Damian had left Heero's office with some choice words, but Heero went back to preparing for the upcoming training mission.

Toward the end of the two-week trip, Heero received the call that Damian had killed himself. The news was a shocking blow. Heero spent several anxious hours wondering how he was going to break the news to the other new recruits, many of whom had been close to Damian.

So Heero found all the booze he could gather from the rec room on the training base campus, and brought several bottles of various hard liquors back to his room. From there, the details evaded him. He knew he drank himself into oblivion. But had he remembered to lock his door? Had he bothered undressing before he crashed into bed? Unfortunately, he couldn't remember any of that.

What he did remember was waking up with a splitting headache… and a woman in his bed. At first, Heero had done a double take when he first rolled over. Because, for a split second, he thought he'd woken up at home, in his own bed, with his wife. But the dark hair peeking over the covers… Heero had immediately launched himself out of bed. And looked down to realize he wasn't wearing his clothes.

His shouting woke Raquel up, and she'd acted mortified, jumping out of bed and gathering up her clothes from the floor– they were strewn about, along with his, much to Heero's horror. She quickly dressed and scurried from his room, leaving Heero to sit, with his head in hands, trying to piece everything together. But he came up empty.

He'd gone straight home from the mission and told Relena everything. And she had reacted much as she was reacting now. Just listening, in utter silence, as Heero unloaded the whole sordid story. He stopped talking for a moment to glance over at her and see how she was taking everything. At least, this time, she'd already heard it all once before.

Just like last time, Relena's expression was eerily calm. Her eyes were focused elsewhere in the room, and she appeared to be in deep thought.

"Okay…" she said slowly. "Well, it certainly sounds like you did something."

"I know," Heero murmured. "But I would think I'd remember… something. Anything. And if I'd been sober enough to do anything like that, I wouldn't have." He looked directly at her, willing her to meet his gaze. "You know I wouldn't, Relena. I would never cheat on you."

"I know," she breathed. "But you weren't in the right frame of mind. It's possible you were drunk enough to do something completely out of character… right?" She turned her face to look at him sidelong.

He shook his head rapidly. "No. I know I could never do that to you," he said emphatically. "You have to believe me."

Relena sighed, her eyes cold and distant. "I want to believe you, Heero. I really do. It's just… difficult."

"I know." He reached for her hands, and to his relief she didn't pull away. "I'm sorry for putting you through this."

"I wouldn't say it's entirely your fault." Relena squeezed his hands. "I mean, I wish you'd found some other coping mechanism besides getting yourself blackout drunk… you may have put yourself in a compromising position. But like you said to me before, if the situation were reversed… if I'd had a bad day on a business trip, got drunk in my hotel room by myself, and some guy just showed up and…" Relena's voice trailed off, her eyes glistening. "You would assume I'd been raped. You wouldn't have held me responsible." Relena took in a slow, shaky breath, and turned back to look at Heero fully. "So… I don't know if I can really blame you here, either. On the one hand, it sounds like you may have been taken advantage of, without your knowledge or consent." She squeezed his hands again, more tightly this time. "And I want to believe, in my heart, you would never have given your consent, even if you were that drunk. That you would always remain faithful to me." Her eyes flickered, and she frowned. "It's just… there's this part of me that's always going to doubt, now. I just can't help it."

Heero felt stunned. "What are you saying?"

"I don't know." Relena's shoulders sagged. "I guess… we have a lot to discuss in therapy." She laughed dryly.

Heero wished he could laugh along with her, but he knew the worst was yet to come.

"Relena…" he said slowly, hating himself more with every passing second. "There's... something else."

Her brow furrowed, and she pulled back from him slightly. "What is it?"

Heero ran a hand over his face, willing himself to keep it together. "Raquel just told me… that is… she thinks she's…"

Relena's hands started shaking. Heero tried to hold them steady, even as he felt his world tilting sideways.

Heero drew in a raspy breath. "She claims... that she's pregnant." He squeezed his eyes shut, terrified of seeing his wife's reaction. But he knew he needed to look at her. He forced his eyes back open and turned to face Relena again.

Her face was unreadable, but she blinked. Once. Then again. Then several times.

"What?"

A/N: Dear friends, I find myself in a rather somber mood as I return to this story. This year is not starting off the way we thought it would, is it? I hope and pray that wherever you are, you are staying safe and healthy, and staying home, if that's an option. And I hope you enjoy this update, even if it's not exactly bright and sunny... I'll try to bring the fluff back someday; I know we could all use it! In trying times like these, I remind myself that fear, anxiety... they're nothing more than passing clouds. This too shall pass. Love to you all.

- RFP