(14)
Well, they tried to avoid it as long as they could but it could no longer be ignored. Not if Jay wanted to return to normalcy at work without Voight glowering and scowling at him in the bullpen every time Jay brought his head up. So that was why Erin suggested that she and Jay should go over to Voight's house for dinner.
Plus it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world for her to work on her own relationship with Hank.
Her relationship with Jay's wasn't the only relationship to suffer with her move to New York. While she was ashamed to admit that she hadn't worked all that hard on maintaining her relationship with Hank, distance was what she needed to gain perspective on Voight's role in her life. While Erin would always be more grateful than she can put into words for Voight rescuing her and basically saving her life, Erin realized that perhaps her relationship with her father figure wasn't all that healthy.
Hank had stepped so easily into the role of her father when she was 15 and almost overnight, he became the biggest influence in her life. Camille was the best mom she could've asked for but Hank was the one that she truly looked to for guidance. He inspired her to join law enforcement, he motivated her to take the detective exam and Erin worked tooth and nail every single day so Hank would be proud of her. The proud look on his face when he recruited her to Intelligence was one that Erin would never forget. But that urge to make him proud had seeped into other parts of her life and soon enough, Voight had the biggest voice in her own life.
Erin knew that Hank had her best interests at heart— unlike her own biological mom— but he wasn't without his own flaws. The biggest would be his bullish belief that he was always right. Even when he was wrong. He was certainly wrong when it came to Jay. Hank and Jay were never the biggest fans of each other and while Hank had learned to keep his mouth shut when it came to her relationship with Jay, Erin knew that deep down there was still a part of Hank that begrudged the fact that Jay had proven himself. And that resentment of being wrong about Jay had always prevented Hank from completely approving her and Jay being together. That was why he had so easily broken up their partnership as soon as he had a chance and while he'd never admit it, Erin knew that getting her away from Jay played a part in Hank pushing her to leave for New York.
Not having Hank in her ears daily and with the pressure of trying to impress him off her shoulders, Erin truly felt free for the first time in a long time. She loved Hank and truly regarded him as her family but she learnt that it was nice to just live for herself for once and only listen to her own instincts and not what Hank Voight would do. Then after everything that happened with Al just made it that much easier for her to put some distance with her and Hank. Her guilt over bringing Al into the situation with the Bingham's body in the first place, of her not being there when the ugly reared its head, of her having missed Al's funeral was a lot for her to get over and it only reinforced the fact that perhaps her willingness to literally dig up a body and hide it for Hank was a sign that their relationship had gotten too complicated and convoluted and they needed some space from each other.
When Erin moved back to Chicago, Hank was more than supportive— his closest family moving back near him— but it quickly became clear to them both that they weren't as close as they once had been. To be honest, Erin didn't even want to stay at his house while she searched for her own place. She wanted to get a quick temporary place but Hank insisted and Erin had given in. Her time back in the house that she spent her teenage years in was awkward and stifling and it pushed her to find a place as quickly as possible. Even if the place that she decided on had her ex-boyfriend living next door.
Erin never meant to keep her reconciliation with Jay a secret from anyone. It wasn't a dirty secret and she wasn't ashamed of Jay. But it was almost unspoken between her and Jay that their new relationship was precious and they both wanted to protect it at all costs. Like a seedling to be watered, nurtured and protected until it grew into a plant. So when Hank— and everyone else— unexpectedly found out about them, Erin knew it would be a short time before she needed to face Hank and talk to him.
"So just to be clear, Voight no longer has his shotgun right? I mean, not because I'm scared or anything. I just like to know what I'm walking into here."
Erin rolled her eyes at her boyfriend's poor attempt at a joke and even a poorer attempt to hide his nerves. She knew that Jay had been nervous for the dinner with Voight but had been convinced by her that it was better to just get over it with one awkward dinner than weeks of tension. Besides, she didn't want it to affect Jay's work and while she knew that he and Voight can be professional, she'd rather Jay not have any distractions while he was on the job. They had a lot of plans— her and him— and she planned on spending the rest of her life with him, thank you very much.
"Yeah, the shotgun is retired. I think he upgraded it for an automatic," Erin quipped, earning an eye roll of her own from Jay.
"That's not funny."
Erin scrunched her nose as she walked over to where Jay stood in front of the mirror, buttoning his shirt. "I thought it was funny." Jay still looked unamused and Erin chuckled, twirling her finger around to tell Jay to turn around. She helped him with the last remaining buttons on his shirt before smoothing the fabric over. She gripped his shoulder and took in the image of Jay dressed up. "Handsome."
"Yeah? Do you think Voight will think I'm trying too hard?" Jay asked, pulling away from Erin to go over to his bed and he picked up the two ties he had lying on it. "Which one?"
Erin held back the smile that threatened to appear on her face at just how much effort Jay was putting into this. He was dressed in his best slacks and the button down shirt he was wearing was pressed fresh without a wrinkle in sight. He even had options for a tie. Really, he was just one step short of putting on his suit for a casual dinner at Voight's house. They weren't even going to a restaurant.
"What?" he asked when he noticed the look on her face. "Yeah, I'm trying too hard. He's gonna see right through it."
"Babe," Erin called him gently and placed her hand on his shoulder lightly. "You're fine. It's gonna be fine. It's just going to be a quick dinner at his house, we'll just go sit down and have a nice meal. Whatever horrible scenario that you have going on in your head right now isn't going to happen."
Jay brought his arms around Erin's hips and loosely intertwined his hand around her back. "So you're not going to dump me if Voight doesn't approve?"
Erin frowned. "Is that why you're so nervous? Because you think I'm going to go running because of Voight?"
Jay didn't give her a verbal answer but the look in his eyes was answer enough for Erin. She felt her heart tugged at the fear that Jay had brewing within himself. She couldn't even blame him entirely. It was a fact that she did have a history of choosing Voight's opinion over her relationship with Jay and had used Voight as a reason to not be with Jay before. But that was before and this was now. It felt like a lifetime and an entirely different person ago. This new Erin would never let anyone stand in her way. She wanted to be with Jay and it was all that matters.
"Jay, that is never going to happen again," she reassured him, bending her head down to catch his eyes that were set on the floor. Jay looked at her and she gave him a smile. "I'm not going anywhere, no matter what Voight says. You don't have to be worried."
"I'm being ridiculous," Jay mumbled, feeling embarrassed. Erin shook her head as she wrapped her arms around his neck and got on her tippy toes to meet him in a soft kiss.
"Jay Halstead? Ridiculous? No, never!" Erin teased. "Well, except maybe what you're wearing?"
"The tie's too much huh?" Erin nodded, her eyes glancing over the rest of his body. "And the shirt and pants too huh?"
"As sweet as I think it is that you're trying to impress Voight, you don't have to. He knows you, he knows us. If that's not good enough for him then screw it."
"Screw it!" Jay agreed. With one more kiss on her lips, they pulled apart so Jay could change into something that was more him.
With a henley and a pair of dark washed jeans, Jay was looking more like himself and they were finally ready to leave.
"Let's go. The sooner that we're finished with dinner, the sooner we can come back home and we can screw." Jay said with a light smack on her butt.
Erin gasped at Jay's lame joke. "I can't believe you just said that. I dare you to make that joke in front of Voight."
"No thanks. I'd like to live to see another day."
Laughing, they headed off to Voight.
Dinner was as awkward as Erin had imagined it'd be. No one really spoke as Voight passed around the plate of steaks that he grilled and the mashed potatoes. She chewed on her food, the piece of meat feeling more like rubber in her mouth, and she waited for the first person brave enough to break the silence.
"Mmm, good steak," Jay commented, deciding to be the brave one. Voight just grunted in reply then forcefully cut into his own steak. "Good potatoes too," Jay added, trying his best to liven up the atmosphere. All he got in response was Voight smacking his lips in return.
Erin met Jay's eyes over the table, seeing the S.O.S written in them. "So Hank," she decided to try next. "How's work?" That seemed like a safe enough topic. Voight loved what he did and it was something Erin could talk to him about.
"Why don't you ask your boyfriend there?" was Voight's cold reply.
Erin paused mid-bite and gave Voight an unimpressed look. One that Voight returned, raising his eyebrows like he was waiting to see what Erin had to say.
"Work's great!" Jay interjected, trying to diffuse the stare down between Erin and Hank. "Not too many crazy cases lately and we're actually caught up on paperworks for once. They finally replaced the A.C in the bullpen so it was actually okay during the summer. Who knows? Maybe this winter, we might actually get heat up there too. What do you think, Serge?"
"I don't know Halstead. That's up to the Ivory Tower and they don't usually tell me these things. I guess that's just a common theme in my life lately. No one really ever tells me anything anymore."
Erin and Jay exchanged a look at Voight's snide remark.
"Hank," Erin began but Voight cut her off.
"What? Did I say something wrong? I certainly don't think so. Ivory Tower doesn't tell me about fundings for the department just like the girl I raised doesn't tell me about her own life."
"We never meant to keep it a secret from you, Hank."
"Yet you never mentioned you two getting back together or the fact that you two lived next door to each other."
"We didn't plan on living next door to each other. It just happened," Erin tried to explain. "And as for me and Jay being together, it really hadn't been that long before you found out."
"How long?"
"About six months," Jay answered. "We were going to tell you, Serge."
Voight pointedly ignored Jay and turned his attention onto Erin. "Six months and you never thought to mention to me the mistake you're making."
"A mistake?" Erin barely got the word out of her mouth.
Voight dropped his knife and fork back on his plate, the metal utensils making loud clinking noise in the otherwise silent and tension-filled room. "What else would you call this? Erin, you and Halstead getting back together is a bad idea and you know it. I turned a blind eye on the two of you being together once before and look at what happened. I worked hard to get you out and away from him. I worked to get you into the FBI in New York because I knew you were hurt by Halstead walking out on you and you needed to leave. I support you coming back to Chicago but my support doesn't extend to you reconciling with someone that broke your heart."
"You know what I keep hearing over and over just now? 'I did this.' 'I did that', 'I' 'I' 'I'. You've somehow turned our entire relationship about you instead," Erin argued. "Hank, I love you but the only two people in this relationship are me and Jay. Not you."
"I'm only looking out for you, Erin."
"I know that and I appreciate that but really, it's not necessary. Not anymore." Erin wanted to get through to Hank that she no longer needed his protection. "I may be the girl that you raised but guess what Hank? I'm grown now. I'm a woman now, not that little girl that you saved off the streets anymore."
Voight's jaw twitched, unhappy with what Erin was saying. "You're grown but it doesn't mean I'm going to keep quiet and standby as I watch you make a mistake."
"What mistake am I making?" Erin shot back. "Because Jay is not a mistake. Being with him was never a mistake."
"He hurt you. He kept things from you. He walked out on you!"
"Yeah he did," Erin agreed, her eyes shifting over to her boyfriend to see him drop his head in shame over what he did. She didn't want Jay to feel guilty but she'd have to wait to talk to Jay. "But I hurt him too. A lot. But at the end of the day, we love each other and we want to be together."
"I just don't want you to rush into things, especially into something that can get you really hurt. I saw what the breakup with Halstead did to you, Erin. Even though you didn't say it out loud, I saw the effect it had on you. You retreated into yourself, you weren't happy. It took you leaving to put you back on your feet. I just want you to think carefully about this and don't rush into yet another heartbreak."
"We're not rushing into anything," Erin replied. She took a chance and placed her palm over Hank's hand that was resting on the table. "Hank, believe me when I say that me and Jay didn't rush into anything here. This isn't a secret hormone-fueled hookup. We didn't just jump back into a relationship right away. It took us nearly a year to get to a place where we can even think about being together again. It took us a long time to get here and it wasn't easy. We talked a lot and about things that weren't easy for us to talk about. Things we would've kept to ourselves in the past. And we learned that no matter what, we still wanted to be together."
Jay decided it was time for him to speak up and cleared his throat. "Serge, I love Erin. I've always loved Erin even when you didn't want me to be. Even when I walked out, I've never stopped loving her. I thought I was protecting her by leaving, by keeping her away from my troubles and demons. I didn't want to bring her down with me. It was stupid of me to do that. I get it now and it's something that I would always regret because we lost years because of my mistake. Years that we could've been together and happy. But I'm getting a second chance now. One that I'd never thought I'd get again and this time, I'm not letting go." Jay glanced over at Erin in midst of his speech and she smiled softly at him, touched by his words. "I understand that you're trying to protect Erin. You don't want her to get hurt, neither do I. No matter how many disagreements you and me might have, Erin's happiness and protecting her is one thing that we'll always have in common. I'm in love with Erin, Serge and I want to love and protect her for the rest of my life, if she'll let me."
Erin's eyes softened and she sniffled, trying to hold her tears back. She felt Jay reach for her hand under the table and they laced their hands together, holding onto each other under the table.
"That better not be a marriage proposal, Halstead," Voight's comment broke the tender moment between the two and both of their heads snapped up, eyes widened.
"Um…" Jay began to stammer and Erin was equally as speechless as Jay, not knowing what to say. She loved Jay and she knew she wanted to spend however long her life was with him but it was way too soon for the marriage talk. They wanted to take things slow and didn't want to rush into anything.
"No!" Erin finally found her voice and shook her head at Voight. "I mean, Hank!"
Voight looked nonchalant at their reaction and shrugged. "I just wanted to make sure. I'm barely wrapping my mind around being okay with the two of you back together, I don't need you to get on your knees just yet, Halstead."
Jay released a chuckle. "One day sir. One day."
"Just as long as it's not today," Voight added.
Erin laughed awkwardly, wanting to get them away from the topic as quickly as possible. "So you are okay with me and Jay?"
Voight crossed his arms and set his eyes on her. "If I say I wasn't, what are you going to do?"
Erin looked over to Jay before turning back over to Voight. "Nothing different than what I'm doing now. I'm staying with Jay," Erin replied with not an ounce of doubt in her tone. "We'd like your support Hank but we don't need it."
They waited quietly as Voight seemed to be in his own thoughts, Jay still holding onto Erin's hand even tighter under the table. Then they heard Voight sigh and look at Jay.
"I don't like being kept in the dark about things even if it wasn't your intention. And we may not always see things eye to eye but I respect you, Halstead and that's not something I can say about a lot of other people. I know you both don't need my support but I just want you both to know that you have it all the same."
Erin smiled widely at what Voight said. "Thank you, Hank."
"Thank you, Serge," Jay said, standing up to shake Voight's hand.
"Erin doesn't need my protection anymore and she's more than capable of taking care of herself but it makes me feel better to know that I have you to watch out for her. Take care of her, Halstead."
Jay nodded, taking what Voight said seriously and promising to follow through. "I will."
Erin stood up too and walked over to Voight, bending down to give him a hug. "Thanks, Hank."
He squeezed her arms and patted it a couple of times. "Alright, that's enough. My steak is getting cold."
That was a very Voight's way of saying that it was all the emotions and tenderness he could handle for the night.
After hashing it out with Voight and all of them making their feelings known, the rest of the dinner went more smoothly. Voight and Jay even managed to get into a civil conversation, keeping to safe topics while Erin watched on with a smile on her face at seeing the two most important people in her life getting along. But no matter how good the dinner went, they were both eager to get back home.
"Do you mind if I get in the shower first?" Jay asked as soon as they got back to her place. Even though they literally lived next door to each other, they found it easier and more convenient to leave some things in each other's places.
"Yeah, sure." Erin stepped to the side so Jay could go first. He placed a kiss on her head and headed to the bathroom, Erin watching him go. For some reason, Jay had gotten real quiet in the car on the way home, deep in his own thoughts. Erin wondered what had gotten into him from the time dinner with Voight ended to the thirty minute drive home but she just hoped that the shower would help him feel better.
She got undressed and waited for Jay to be done. He came out half an hour later, taking longer than normal for his shower. He looked a bit better than before but still look like there was something weighing on his mind.
"You can go," Jay said, drying his hair off with a towel. Erin nodded, deciding that maybe it was better to give Jay some time before she could get to the bottom of what was bothering him.
After letting the hot water soothe her, Erin got out of the shower and wrapped herself in her robe. She headed back in her room, expecting to find Jay there, but found it empty. She headed out of her bedroom and looked for him, finding him standing out on the balcony. He was still shirtless even though the weather was getting colder and not as forgiving as a summer night. Even with the small amount of light she had on her balcony, she could still see the tense muscles of his back and he stood rigid, unmoving, as he stared out to the black void that was the fall Chicago night.
She approached him slowly, not wanting to startle him, and she stood behind his back. From here, she could see all the freckles that ran up and down his back as well as the few scars he had. She knew Jay's body very well, having it be hers to explore, touch and kiss for a long time, but tonight, as she studied his scars, she noticed a few new ones. Ones that she hadn't seen before.
Seeing the new and unfamiliar scars that Jay had gotten over the past few years had her thinking back to what Jay had said at dinner. That they had lost years they could've had together. Years that she should've been at his side and been with him when he had sustained the marks. Gingerly, she reached out to touch one of the blemishes that she was unfamiliar with and her lips followed, placing the lightest of kisses on them. Like those scars were new and she was trying to heal them. She repeated the action with all the ones that were foreign to her before she dropped her hand to where his hand hung by his side, lacing their fingers together. She rested her head on his back and her other hand went around him, her fingers automatically going to where she knew the bullet that he took to his shoulder left its mark. The only thing on her mind was that she should've been here for him and she wasn't. He had gotten shot twice and had gotten hurt so many times and she wasn't here. She should've been. She should've been by his side, holding his hand and kissing his pain away.
Jay brought his free hand up to where her hand was on his upper body and he then brought it down to his waist so she was holding him instead. She pressed her forehead into his skin more, just wanting to be closer to him.
Erin knew she couldn't think like that. She couldn't keep dwelling in the past and keep thinking about the should'ves, could'ves and would'ves. What mattered was what was happening now and now, she was here. She was with Jay and that was the only important thing.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked him, wanting to know what was going on in his head.
She felt his body tense at her question and she pressed her lips on his back, hoping that he could relax. She squeezed his hand that she was holding and repeated her question, waiting for him to open up to her.
"I'm just thinking about what Voight said earlier," Jay finally answered her. Erin frowned, her mind going over everything that was said at dinner.
"What is it?"
Jay sighed and he shifted so he could turn around. She let the hold she had around his waist go and waited for him to turn his body around so she could see his face. She saw the storm brewing in his eyes and Erin grew worried.
"Hey, you okay?"
Jay nodded even though he seemed to be anything but okay. He tried to give her a small smile to reassure her but his eyes gave him away. They always did. Jay's blue-green eyes always told the whole story of what he was feeling. When he was in a good mood, his eyes were like a lake. Calm, clear and they shimmered like the lake water did when the sun beamed down on it. But whenever he was troubled, his eyes would darken like an angry ocean storm, turbulent and cold. Like he was unreachable.
"Jay," Erin tried again, waiting for Jay to elaborate what he meant. She held his face and brought it up so she could look him in the eyes. "You can tell me."
"I was just thinking about what Voight said. About me hurting you when I walked out," Jay finally revealed, dropping his head like he couldn't look at Erin. "I hurt you a lot with what I did and that's something I'd always hate myself for. Hearing Voight bring that up, it just makes me think that I don't deserve you."
"Jay," Erin began, ready to dispel any ridiculous notion Jay had in his mind about Erin deserving someone better.
"No, I'm serious Erin," Jay cut in, bringing his head up and meeting Erin's eyes. "I know I thought I was doing the right thing then by leaving and wanting to protect you but I still hurt you so badly that you felt like you needed to leave the state to get away from me. I never want to hurt you like that again and I can make all the promises I want and swear up and down that you'll never get hurt by me again but…."
"But what?"
"But what if it happens again? What if…..I get another stupid idea or my PTSD comes back and I hurt you again?" Jay asked, the turmoil on his face and in his eyes hurting Erin because all she wanted to do was to reach out to Jay and just take away the pain he was feeling and stop him from beating himself up.
"Jay," Erin spoke, cupping his face in the palms of her hands. "Neither of us know what's going to happen in the future. Everything you've been through and what you carry from your experiences are what makes you who you are. And that's something that'll always be with you just like what I went through with my childhood would always be with me. Yeah, sometimes things won't be so easy and sometimes we'll feel like drowning from all the darkness in our lives. But I don't want easy. I don't expect our lives to be perfect. I don't expect not to get hurt for the rest of my life. That's not realistic and that's not what I need from you. What I do want from you is to know that you'll stay through the tough times and we'll work through things together and I promise to do the same for you."
Jay closed his eyes and rested his forehead against her. "I promise," Jay whispered.
Erin smiled. "I know that you want to protect me and you've always done that but Jay, I can protect myself too. I don't want to be coodled. I don't want you to keep things to yourself because you're afraid of hurting me. I want to be there for you when you need me, hold your hands when you go through a hard time. You've always done that for me and I want to do the same for you."
"You already do, Erin" Jay said.
"That's all that matters then," Erin finished. "We can't control the future and we can't keep living in the past, Jay. All we have is the present and right now, I'm so in love with you and I know you love me. That's all I care about. I just want to be with you just like this because that's when I'm the happiest."
Jay kissed her forehead, keeping his lips pressed into her skin for a while. Finally, he pulled away and looked down at her, his hand coming to brush her face tenderly.
"I love you," he whispered, earning a smile from Erin. "You're right, no more living the past or worrying about things we can't control in the future. Only focus on the now and how happy you make me too."
Erin nodded and brushed her lips against his. "Only now." She agreed before Jay met her for a breathtaking kiss.