author's note: thanks for the feedbacks and the views, hope you enjoy this chapter. x
Tom, you can't just walk away. We have too much left to do.
Professionally and personally. They had too much to do, they still had to give each other another chance.
Whatever you think is broken we can fixe it.
Her voice was strangled, she struggled to keep it normal, only wanting to hug him tight so he would never leave. He would never leave her behind again. Not now they had been reunited again after fifteen years. It wasn't fair, war was unfair but they had to deal with it, that's why they'd signed for. To fight for peace and a better world, to protect their country even if it was including losses. He seemed deaf to her words, grabbing his duffel bag to make his way out. She tried to hold him back.
Put on your uniform.
He didn't answer, only looking at her. They stared at each other for long seconds, before he gave a quick glance to his uniform, the one he had been wearing for more than twenty years. Putting on his cap, he sniffled and turned back again to her. He had to leave, he wasn't able to continue his duties, war had changed him too much and he didn't like the way he was right now. But her, she looked lifeless.
"Please, don't make it more difficult than it already is…." he thought, looking at her. He didn't want to hurt her but he apparently had no choices. Tom slowly made his way back to her, gently rubbing his thumb on her cheek, kissing her good bye. It sent an electrical charge to both of their bodies. It was a desperate kiss and it did hurt them. Without a word, he then exited the cabin and never looked back.
She felt broken.
Like nothing mattered anymore, she felt a big ugly hole in her body, she felt unable to walk and follow him, run after him to beg him to stay because the crew needed him, because she needed him. It was above everything, she stayed few long minutes in his cabin, her eyes locked on the door, like if she was hoping he could change his mind and make his way back. But he didn't.
And she felt more broken.
During sixteen months, Sasha had to learn again how to trust anyone but her, how to handle herself. She had became weaker since the return of Tom in her life. Because love was making her soft, and she was desperately and obviously in love with this man, the one who was still in her mind no matters what he was doing or what he'd done. To preserve herself the recipe was simple, keep but not let. And that's how it worked for years, even before she joined the navy. Focusing on work, giving everything she had during the ground missions was her goal number one. This world needed help and she was doing everything in her power to provide some. Because she knew no one could provide herself some. So she tried to forget, keeping her busy enough all the time, forgetting - too often - to eat or sleep, neglecting her health. But she didn't care. Who would care anyways ? She wouldn't be missed if she died.
Nothing had sense anymore. At least until the day she saw him again in this area in Sardinia. Her whole world toppled in half a second.
For the second time, she felt lost, angry, confused and worst - betrayed. Another man, another story, another knife right in her heart. She definitely had terrible tastes in men. She was pacing back and forth in her cabin, chewing her lower lip, knowing she should have shot him while he was still in her visual field. She hadn't because of her feelings, one more time. Damn it. Sasha stopped, closing her eyes, unable to remove from her head the images of what just happened, why did she have to be such a weak sentimental ?
She threw a violent punch in the wall before her, and did not even feel the pain gushing. Another one and her phalanxes were bloody but she didn't care at all. She had to punish herself for trusting someone who got them, and the whole world, in so much troubles. Too focused on her own thoughts, she didn't hear the soft knock at the door, and didn't even turned around when Tom appeared on the door step.
He immediately understood what was going on, his eyes going from her fist to her face, making a step forward to her. "Sasha stop, what are you doing?" it was more a statement than a question. Tom took her hand, then dragged her to the sink to clean the wound, hating the fact she purposely hurt herself because of James. And because of him. He knew they had both hurt her and it was killing him, because he loved her and that was the least he wanted to do to her. She deserved so much more.
"Let go of me" she said in a raspy voice, trying to fight him back but unfortunately, he had more strength than her and in a better state if mind, she should have remembered that. She couldn't fight him, never succeeded. "Tom, i'm fine!" she tried again. "Stop touching me!"
He glanced her a look, daring her to continue to lie. Try me. He knew she was everything but fine. He wasn't a simple guy she could play dumb with. He knew her so well, and wanted to help, because he couldn't let her without help, she needed it more than she would never admit. "I don't need your help, i've done pretty well while you were out searching for peace. Keep your hard earn wisdom, i'm fine." she continued.
Her voice was so cold, just if she had been reading in his mind at this right moment. She knew if she was letting go to him, she would break down and she couldn't, she didn't cry for sixteen months, it would certainly not start now because James played dumb with her. But it was hell hard, she was fighting so much to hold back everything, she needed to be alone but she also knew he would never leave, even if she was yelling at him.
"I deserved that." he just said, cleaning her hand, imperturbable, steady like she hadn't even try to get rid of him. He had this peaceful attitude she usually loved, but today it was so annoying and she wanted to hit him, scream at him to leave her alone because she had to calm down by herself. But no sounds came out her throat, like if the words were crashing against her lips. "I understand, i did hurt you, you have all the rights to be mad at me but please Sash - she felt her heart clench when he called her that - stop hurting yourself."
She didn't answer, only wincing because she finally started to feel the pain, Wrapping her hand with bandages, he finally let her go but not entirely, he kept her close to him like if he needed her, just like she needed him. Locking his eyes into hers, he slowly raised a hand to tuck a piece of messy curly hair behind her ear. She looked everything but the normal Sasha, her look was totally extinct, and he noticed how much she had lost. He never noticed it before, but now he could see her fat reserve didn't exist anymore. And he didn't like it, that was one of her favourite thing: putting her health aside when she was sad, or angry, or confused. And it was because of him, he knew it, Mike had told him.
"That was for her" in the area this statement intrigued him but he only asked Mike few days ago, wondering what was the hidden meaning. His friend didn't try to play dumb, he told him the whole story, how Sasha almost got killed during of mission. He could have lost her without even knowing it.
He suddenly felt a pressure against his chest and realised Sasha was just hugging him tight, burying her face in the crock of his neck. He smelled like her Tom again, the smell of his aftershave was everything to her. Tom hugged her too and rubbed her back up and down, trying to comfort her as much as he could, feeling how desperate she was, even when she wasn't telling him.
"Don't leave." she whispered against his ear. She wasn't only taking about leaving her right now or the cabin, she was just asking him not to leave again the navy. As much as she wanted him out of this room, now she felt like she needed him like oxygen. Tom quickly understood her silent request, lifting her up with so much easiness so they could both lay on the small bed. It didn't mattered much, they just needed to be together.
"I'm not, i'm not leaving you here Sasha. And i want you to remember one thing, when i left you told me whatever is broken we can fix it." he said looking right into her eyes. "You were right then, and you're right now, just wanted to make sure you don't forget it." rubbing her cheek with his thumb, slowly kissing her forehead. She didn't make a move and he felt relieved, fearing she would back off. "May you please one day forgive me…" he whispered.
Sasha heard him and it broke her heart, because she knew how good was Tom, if he left it's because he had reached a non return point. She was mad at him because he had left her behind without asking her to join, but also mad at her for not understanding how much it was vital for him to have a break from everything. As he rolled on his back, facing the ceiling of the cabin, she rested her head on his torso to listen at his strong heartbeat, rocking her to sleep. The much, and important sleep she needed.
"You have no ideas how much i love you Sash." he muttered when he was sure she was asleep. He kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes, holding her close, never wanting to let her go again. "How I always loved you."
When Sasha woke up she immediately noticed she wasn't alone. She remembered what just happened, Tom coming to her cabin, the wall, and then the confession. They had to talk, and probably still needed to, some things were still blurry. She looked up and saw him sleeping, his breathing was soft, just like his snoring. He was like a purring cat, and it felt so relaxing she didn't wake him up, staying quiet. She had no ideas of the time but after what seemed to be twenty minutes, she slowly woke him up by stroking his short hair.
"Hey…" he mumbled, half sleepy, turning to look how beautiful she was, glad she didn't throw him out yet. She looked less sad and it made him relieved, he hated when she was everything but happy, Sasha didn't deserve sadness.
"Hi." she greeted him back, stretching in the bed like a cat. He took the opportunity and caught her in the move, cuddling her, wanting to be as close as he could. He wanted to be with her, to smell her sweet scent, showing her how much he loved her, how precious she was to him.
He ended on top of her, their gazes locked into each other, trying to communicate without words. Just like the good old times, when they were at the naval academy. They didn't need words to express their feelings to each other, they just knew they were loving each other, no matters what, no matters how long they'd been separated, it was still the same passion. And to confirm everything, she suddenly felt his hardness against her thigh through their clothes, looking at him, both confused and amused.
"Sorry.." he said with a guilty voice, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
She only kissed him as as respond. It was a loving, and passionate one, the one that could make them forget about everything, everyone and where they were, on a ship. It was forbidden but they didn't care, at this right moment, they just needed to show each other how glad they were happy to be reunited. And they had to be connected again, their first time after fifteen years.
And it ended up like a magical firework.