John learned from an early age the best way to get on in life was to keep his head down and pretend to the world that he was okay. He was born with an insatiable appetite for learning and could have happily moved into his local library away from his noisy brothers, and the insufferable anger of his father. He hears the screaming in his sleep, even though it has been 2 years since he spent more than 2 days in their company. One of his brothers would do something stupid and their father would deal with it the only way he knew how. Gordon's and Alan's pranks, Gordon's grades, Scott's drinking Virgil getting caught at the piano or with a paintbrush in his hand. They all got it, John would hide away from the world and focus on his future. One day he is going to escape from his fathers shadow, and be his own man.

Growing up, John managed to avoid the worst of his fathers' anger, choosing to spend his time alone studying. Studying is the only thing he is good at, putting in the effort that saw him graduate with Virgil, 2 years early and saw him getting admitted to Harvard. Harvard were so desperate for him to join that they offered him a full scholarship, which Jeff made him turn down, so he could pay for Johns College education himself. To the outside world it was an incredible, heartfelt, and generous gesture. Allowing Harvard to free up a scholarship to a student who wouldn't be able to afford to go otherwise. But John knew better, this was Jeffs way of controlling his children's lives, to make them grateful that he is willing to invest so heavily in their futures.

Jeff's confidence in Johns academic abilities was not misplaced, and he graduated his 4-year course in half of that time, and was offered a job with NASA and is currently doing his astronaut training with the intention of going up to the new space station on the next shuttle. Jeff doesn't understand Johns reasons for wanting to get off the planet so badly. But his mom does, she was the one who encouraged his dreams, the first time she found him in the bathroom with his blood dripping from his wrists, the blade from the razor lying on the floor abandoned. He was only 13 years old the first time he tried to take his own life and it all started with his first heartbreak.

John tried so hard to stay out of trouble, but Jenny was his downfall. Jenny was perfect in every way, the one person who believed in him and that he could be everything he wanted to be. The pair met at summer camp when they were 13. She had long auburn hair, down to her waist which she always just let hang loosely around her face, and a fringe which covered her eyes. Like John she was always finding ways to hide away from the world. But she was the one who opened his eyes to everything that he has missed out on.

Born in Connecticut, Jenny was his intellectual equal. He found himself sneaking from his cabin in the dark of the night and meeting up with her in the middle of the lake which separated the boys camp from the girl's camp. They would both take a rowboat over and spend hours lying side by side on the small island in the middle and just talk.

He told her about his fathers tyranny, and the fact he was only allowed to come to the camp because it was part of a deal his father made with his mother after he nearly killed Gordon, it was a summer of carefree fun for all 5 boys or a messy and costly divorce, and even then it was a difficult decision for his father to make! He tells her about his hopes and dreams for the future, that all he wants from life is a family. One who loves him for who he is and doesn't make him hide who he is from the world. Vowing to her that if he ever had children he would love and cherish them, and never subject them to his own fathers' brand of "discipline"

In turn Jenny tells him about the books he isn't allowed to read and the music he isn't allowed to listen too. She tells him about life outside of Kansas, of canals in Venice, the leaning tower of Pisa, the Colosseum in Rome all from her summer in Italy the previous year. Captivating him with tales of beauty and a culture that he has only ever seen on TV.

He loved her but getting caught sneaking back into the cabin at 4 in the morning broke so many rules he was sent home in disgrace. 13 years of exemplary behaviour ruined by one girl. He managed to keep her name out of it, convincing the camp director and his father that he had just been for a walk. It was his first experience of the belt, and he vowed to make it his last.

But getting her out of his mind was easier said than done, she was all he could think of, but he was too scared to contact her.

Until the package arrived. Slipping upstairs he tears it open. Revealing a book one that has been banned in Kansas for years following a campaign from a group who claimed it spread social discord and enmity amongst the population. It was one of the books he has always wanted to read, and he can't wait to get started but he has a full day of school instead. He sighed, deeply disappointed placing the book into his bag and sneaking it out the house.

Settling into his corner in the library during his lunch break, John pulls the book from his bag and runs his finger down its spine. Before opening up this latest treasure. "When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow."

He doesn't get far into the book before it is plucked from his grasp by the librarian. She screams at him about the dangers of reading filth before marching both him and his precious book to the principal's office. The pain of his fathers' belt was nothing to the burning sensation and the humiliation of the principal's paddle, and neither of them compared to the hell of watching his father burn the book in front of him.

Throwing himself on the bed, holding the package the book came in he cries harder than he has ever cried before. Harder than he cried when his maternal grandparents were killed in a car crash when he was 8. Or when he first visited Gordon after his life saving lung surgery and his little brother was attached to so many wires, he had no idea where he wires ended and his brother began. Or when his dad belted him for getting thrown out of camp. Or earlier this afternoon when he was given his first ever paddling. No losing the book was much worse, this was the final proof he needed that he was only ever going to be John Tracy. The third son of a billionaire tyrant and nothing he wanted out of life was ever going to be possible.

He lets the brown paper packaging fall to the floor before finally spotting the letter as it flutters slowly to the ground. his interest is piqued for the first time since he got home and was confined to his room and he grabs the letter from the floor and lying propped up on his elbows on his stomach he begins to read.

Dearest John,

I hope that this letter finds you well. I was heartbroken when I found out what happened to you. I must assume you never ratted me out, as I was never caught, and I can't even begin to thank you. You were the only guy I have ever met that has let me into their lives so unreservedly.

But I can't do this to you anymore, everything I ever told you was a lie. I do live in Connecticut, but my family could never afford to send me to camp, and I was there on a pity placement for under privileged youths. I live in a small house with my mom, my dad left us before I was even born, and I have never met him. He denies my existence and refuses to pay child support as a result my mom works 2 jobs just to keep a roof over our heads. The only thing I have ever seen of Italy is on the television and through books.

I remember our talks about books and reading, and how you have never been allowed to read To Kill a Mockingbird as it is banned in Kansas. I wanted you to have it to remember me by, again I am truly sorry for any pain that I caused you and I hope that one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

I love you so much,

Jenny.

John was wrong, there are more painful things in life than losing a book. The paper is stained with his tears as he rereads her words. She lied to him to make her life seem glamourous and happy so that he wouldn't feel sorry for her, but he does feel nothing but pity for her, and for himself as he experiences his first heart break and he cries once more for his lost love.

John never wrote back.

And he made sure he never put himself into a position like this again.

Now he is at Harvard studying Advanced Telecommunications. He loves Harvard, and he loves Boston. Getting away from life in Kansas with his father was the best decision John ever made, he wakes up every day with a smile on his face knowing he has another day of studying ahead of him. Learning gives John his purpose.

He is surprised during lunch when his father calls. It has been several weeks since they last spoke.

"Hello Father" He answers with a smile on his face.

"John, there was an incident at the house last night. Gordon set the barn on fire and Alan got hurt trying to put it out" Jeff tells him, getting straight to the point and not bothering with small talk.

John is shocked, Gordon was the family troublemaker, but even he didn't think he would go this far! "What happened? Are Alan and Gordon okay?"

"Alan has a broken leg and some burns on his arms and hands but he's going to be fine" Jeff replies.

"And Gordon?" John asks, almost afraid of the answer he is about to get.

"He is not your concern, that boy has embarrassed and disgraced this family for the last time, he is no longer your brother and no longer my son" Jeffs voice is bitter and resentful, and John can feel his heart breaking for Gordon.

"Do you need me to come home?" He asks.

"No, stay there and finish your research. I have let Virgil know and I will let Scott know now" Jeffs tone is authoritative and John knows better than to argue.

"Okay father just let me know if you need anything and ask Allie to call me if he needs a chat" John tells him.

"I will tell him you said hi, but you are not to contact him as he is being punished for his own stupidity" Jeff growls

"Whatever Father I am going back to work, tell mom I said hi" John tells him. Waiting for his father to hang up the phone, as he considers one of the boys hanging up on him as the height of disrespect.

WhatsApp:
John: WTAF Virg?!
Virgil: I know John, I don't know what to do.
John: all I know is there is no point arguing with him while he is like this, it will just make things worse.
Virgil: Yeah it will, colonel dictator has spoken!
John: I have class to get too, speak to you later Virg
Virgil: Call me if you want to talk
John: Thanks bro.

John messages the lecturer to advise he has a headache and is going back to the dormitory to sleep it off. For the first time in his life he doesn't feel guilty about telling a lie, he needs some time alone to process what he has just been told.

The dorm is mercifully empty, as John goes straight to his room. Lying on his bed and flipping through the photos on his phone. Photos of his brothers throughout their childhood stored into an album for convenience. Alan as a baby fast asleep on top of the laundry basket, Gordon on top of a dive board about to jump, Virgil sitting on the piano bench with their mom laughing delightedly as his fat 3 year old fists pound the keys, Scott fully dressed in his football uniform before his first game, next to him just after, completely filthy and grinning like he has just won the Super Bowl.

John misses these boys so much sometimes it hurts physically to think of them, and now he is about to lose Gordon forever. The little brat who danced about the kitchen chanting "Johnny got popped" for hours after the paddling until his mom banished him to his room for the night after he was dragged to their fathers office for a whipping for teasing his brother, but he was also the one who sneaked into his room after everyone was asleep to make sure he was okay. Gordons scream when he fell out the tree house and broke his wrist haunts his nightmares. Gordon was a pain in the butt, but he was his pain in the butt and there is no way he is letting his father tear him away.

John is only 20 years old, but he feels 80, his arms and legs are crisscrossed with scars from his self harming, the only relief he has been able to find, his one and only coping mechanism when everything becomes overwhelming and crying is no longer enough.

John never did read To Kill a Mockingbird fully.