So, now we start to stray away from canon, and down a darker path...
She was in London when she felt her first suicidal impulse. They were at the train station, waiting for the train that was to bring them back to Downton. As the train entered the station, thoughts suddenly invaded her brain of how it would feel to let herself fall on the tracks in front of the train, and be free of all this suffering. Then she thought of the mess that would make. She would probably appear in the newspapers, and she didn't want to attract that kind of attention on the family and on John. If she had to do that, she would have to find a quiet mean and place. She was still lost in herself, her body frozen, when she heard Lady Mary's annoyed voice calling:
- Anna! Anna! What are you doing for God's sake! The train is about to leave! Hurry up!
- I… I'm sorry m'lady… she stuttered, shaking herself up and walking towards her car.
Mrs Hughes had advised her to "take a break from it" while she was in London, but it had proved impossible. She barely ate and slept, spending hours staring at the blank wall of her little room under the roofs, tears flowing freely. When she finally managed to fall asleep for a short time, she woke up sweating, screaming and thrashing in her bed, in the middle of a nightmare in which she relived invariably what the man had done to her. The fear of a pregnancy was occupying her every waking thought, even though she knew that her period was not due for another ten days at least. How would she survive that long without knowing… She kept turning that in her head, going over the days since her last cycle, and kept getting to the conclusion that if a child there was, it couldn't be John's. A large lump seemed to have moved in her throat as a permanent resident. She prayed fervently and desperately every morning and every evening, kneeling beside her bed, for it not to happen.
x x x x
Three weeks after the attack, after yet another sleepless night, Anna was preparing for her day in her little room in the Abbey's servant's quarter. She looked terrible, with dark patches under her eyes, and her face felt like it had forgotten how to smile. She had developed a washing compulsion, and her hands were red and raw from dozens of daily scrubbing. Her intimate parts were no better, as she sneaked out to the bathrooms three to four times a day to wash herself up, even if it did nothing to make that dirty feeling go away. She had lost weight from not eating, and she didn't really know how she managed to keep going every day. Every morning brought the same conclusion, getting worse day after day. She was late. She was usually never late. For a few days she had tried to reason herself, putting it on the lack of sleep or the anxiety, but it was more than a week now.
At the end of the stairs, like every morning, John was patiently waiting for her. It still broke her heart that he kept trying to reach out to her. How could she make him understand that she was worthless now, that he should just leave her alone…
- I don't know why you always wait for me. There's no need.
- Because I want to be the first to greet you every morning.
- Well as I said, there's no need, she repeated harshly.
"Better a broken heart than a broken neck", she kept repeating to herself as a mantra.
- There's every need. And I will keep it up until you explain to me what has gone wrong between us.
- Explain what?
- My life is perfect, and then in the space of one day, it is nothing. To me, that requires an explanation.
Fortunately for Anna, Ms Baxter, Lady Grantham's new lady's maid interrupted.
- Hello Mr Bates, Mrs Bates, I wondered if you'd help me.
- We will if we can, answered John kindly.
While they were chatting about Ms Baxter's sewing machine, Anna's gaze stayed unfocused. It took all her strength not to burst into tears and fall into John's arms at that very moment.
- What do you make of her? asked John, bringing her back to the here and now.
- She seems nice, she said, not really caring.
As she went searching for Mrs Hughes, as Bates had advised her, Ms Baxter couldn't help wondering at the tension she had felt between the two of them. Before she arrived at Downton, Thomas had written to her, describing the characters of all her future co-workers. He had called the Bateses "sickening lovebirds" and Anna "Little Miss Perfect", always smiling and kind. However it was not really the picture she had witnessed since she had arrived. Mrs Bates was nervous and subdued all the time, she looked awful, kept skipping meals and clearly the two of them were not on the best of terms. Anyway, she was still new here, trying to do her best to fit in, and she was not a nosy person despite the role that Thomas wanted her to endorse, so she walked away and went on with her day.
x x x x
Later on, as everyone was gathered in the Servants' Hall, chatting about the sewing machine, Anna had once more given John a cold shoulder. Mrs Hughes, frowning, tried to make an excuse to John, and followed Anna down the corridor.
- Anna!
Anna turned around as Mrs Hughes gestured her to enter her sitting-room. When she had closed the door after the two of them, the Housekeeper told her sternly:
- I don't know why you must be so hard on Mr Bates. At least you know now, there'll be… no baby.
Anna looked down and mumbled:
- No…
She didn't really know why she lied to Mrs Hughes at that very moment. Maybe telling it to someone else was making it too real. Maybe she was too ashamed to tell. Maybe she felt she would disappoint the woman who was like a mother to her.
- Then can't you start to get past it? And tell him something?
- He'd know if it wasn't the truth. He sees through me. He can read me like a book.
- I wish he could read you, and take you out of this vale of shadows. Don't you want to be honest with him?
- Of course I do. But I know him. I know what he'd do. I can't risk his future.
- Well it's your secret and not mine. But I think it's a mistake.
x x x x
- It's strange, standing here next to you in silence, said John to Anna as she was once more taking her nerves on a pair of Lady Mary's shoes. Because I love you. And I want to find out why you don't love me anymore. You'd think we could talk about it, but apparently not.
His words were like a blade going through her fragile heart. If only he knew that all she was doing was only because she loved him so much.
- But I don't…
She stopped in mid-sentence, not knowing what to say without giving herself away.
- I'm going into Ripon this afternoon, to get some things for Lady Mary. If they miss me, I'll be back before the gong.
Disappointed that once more his attempt to make her talk had failed, he sighed and answered:
- Well, at least I know you'll be back before the gong.
As she exited the boot room, she bumped into Ms Baxter.
- Oh, Mrs Bates, I heard you were going to Ripon this afternoon? Do you mind if I come with you? I have some errands to run for her Ladyship.
Anna hesitated for a moment. She was not very keen on having company these days, but then she didn't want to be rude, so she shrugged and answered:
- Yes, if you want to…
x x x x
The two women had taken the bus to Ripon in near silence. Ms Baxter's every attempt at conversation had fallen flat, earning only monosyllables from Anna, so she had let it go. When they were in town, they went through a few shops together, then separated as Ms Baxter wanted to go to a bookshop that Anna didn't need to visit. Left alone in the streets, Anna walked without a goal, until she found herself standing in front of the Cathedral. She entered the empty church, and knelt in a quiet bench in a secluded part. She bent over, her forehead touching her joined hands, and sent the most fervent prayer above. "Lord please, don't burden me with a child from that man. They say you don't send us any burden that we cannot bear, but I can't bear that. I'm not strong enough. I'm so sorry. I know I must have sinned badly for you to test me that way. I'll do better, I'll try. But please set me free. My husband, he doesn't deserve that. He's a righteous man. Please don't inflict that on us. Or let me die…"
Her face was wet with tears when she got up again. Usually, praying made her feel better, filled her with renewed strength and faith in the future. Today there was only emptiness. She felt the God she trusted had given up on her. She thought bitterly how this should have been the happiest moment of her life, and how that man had stolen her whole future from her, only for a few minutes of his own pleasure.
Outside the church, she started wandering again, until she was standing on the brink of the river Skell. She stopped on the edge of the bank, looking at the deep waters. There had been heavy rains on the day before, and the flow was strong. That would release her, she thought. She didn't know how to swim, so if she just let herself fall into the river, that'd be the end of it. No more fear and suffering. Only peace and freedom. Her heart raced as she spared a thought for her husband. She didn't want to hurt him, and killing herself would surely shatter him. But how on earth was she supposed to tell him that she was pregnant from another man, who had taken her against her will… "Better a broken heart than a broken neck", she thought once more in her distressed mind. Her feet came one step closer from the edge, despair taking her over. She closed her eyes and thought "Please forgive me my love…", when a firm hand closed around her wrist and pulled her back. She startled as Ms Baxter's voice reached her foggy brain:
- Mrs Bates! I've been looking for you everywhere! What on earth are you doing?!
She gasped as Anna turned her tears-stained face to her and whispered:
- Please… Help me…, as she collapsed into her arms, sobbing.
Ms Baxter had lead Anna to a nearby bench, and patiently waited for her to stop crying. It seemed a long time to her, until she finally calmed down a bit.
- So, Mrs Bates. Or should I call you Anna, when we're in private?
Anna nodded.
- Alright. And you can call me Phyllis. What is going on? Is your husband making trouble for you? she tried, hinting from what she had witnessed at the Abby.
Anna shook her head vigorously.
- No… He hasn't done anything wrong… It's me… I'm ruined… she said, sobbing harder than ever.
- Now, ssshhh, said Phyllis, squeezing her hand. It can't be as bad as that. Tell me.
- Oh yes, it is! replied Anna. I'm pregnant. Not from John.
- Oh…, Phyllis gasped.
- I was not willing! Anna cried. Please believe me, I did not cheat on my husband, I would never do that, he forced himself on me!
- I do believe you Anna, said Phyllis reassuringly.
She briefly closed her eyes, unwelcome memories invading her mind. She did know too well how Anna felt right now. She understood how falling into the river could have seemed appealing.
- I know, she only said.
Anna straightened up and looked at Phyllis's face.
- You do?
- Yes. I do. But let's talk about you right now, she added, putting her memories away. Does your husband know any of this?
- No… He doesn't know anything. And I don't want him to know. He would want to avenge me, he would kill the man. I don't want him to hang.
- Alright… But, how can you be so sure that the child is not his? she asked.
- I know, answered Anna. It can't be.
Phyllis sighed, and did not press for any more details.
- If you want, I can help you deal with this pregnancy. Get rid of it, she continued after a second's silence. I know someone here in Ripon who does that.
Anna shivered at that thought. Doing such a thing when she had dreamt of a child for so many years… How ironic… Besides, it was illegal, and dangerous. But what choice did she have? She nodded to Phyllis:
- Yes, please, she whispered, wiping her face.