Things are not getting any better...
Baxter led Anna through Ripon to a discreet shop in a little street. The sign above the door said "Herbalist". Anna hesitated before entering.
- Er… How do you know about this person? she asked Baxter. Is it safe?
After a short silence, Baxter answered:
- I have used her services a few years ago. As for safety, you know as well as I do about the risks. For me it went well. It's your choice. We don't have to go if you're not sure.
Anna closed her eyes and sighed. From where she was, she didn't really care about the possible consequences. After all, she had been that close to taking her own life only half an hour before. How could it be worse? She shrugged:
- I have to do something. I can't go on like that, I am losing my mind. Alright, let's go.
As they went in, they found themselves face to face with an old man.
- Hello ladies, how can I help? asked the man.
Anna was unsure what to say, having expected to find a woman. She turned to Baxter, silently asking for her help. Baxter took the lead.
- Hello sir, we are looking for Mrs Owens.
The man made a knowing face.
- Oh. I see. Janet! he bellowed towards the back of the shop.
Anna felt her cheeks burn from shame. A short and plump middle-aged woman appeared in the back door frame.
- Those lasses want to see you, said the man, pointing to Anna and Phyllis.
The woman eyed them from head to toe, and made a head gesture for them to follow her to the back room. When the door was closed behind the three of them, she asked in a business-like tone:
- So, which one of you requires my services?
- Me… whispered Anna, looking down.
- And what's your name, Missie?
Anna hesitated a split-second before answering:
- … Ethel. Ethel Smith.
Mrs Owens looked at her in a way that told her she was not fooled about this being her real name. She looked down to Anna's hand and said:
- I see you're married, so what's the problem? Have too many already?
Anna shook her head. She had never felt so ashamed in her whole life.
- No… It's… It's not my husband's…
- I see, said the woman.
- I have been forced! said Anna in a desperate attempt to justify herself.
- Oh, I guess, sneered the woman. You girls have all been unwilling.
Anna could feel that the woman did not believe her. She opened her mouth to explain further, but Mrs Owens waved her hand dismissively.
- I don't care about your private life, girl. How far along are you?
- Not much. I'm only ten days late.
- Alright, so that should be quite easy.
She turned around and collected a potion on a shelf behind her.
- You'll take one spoonful of this morning and evening, until you start bleeding. Then go on for two days, and stop.
- And what if it doesn't work? asked Anna.
- You come back to me in a month. Then we'll have to resort to more radical means.
Anna shivered at what the woman was implying. She dearly hoped she wouldn't have to go through that.
- Alright, thank you.
She extended her hand to take the potion, but Mrs Owens took it away.
- That'll be two pounds, "Ethel".
Anna gasped. She didn't have enough money with her. Two pounds was a big amount of money for a Lady's maid, and she usually didn't go wander in town with that kind of sum. She turned to Baxter and whispered very low, since she didn't want the woman to hear her employer's name:
- Oh Lord, I only have Lady Mary's money, I can't spend it here!
- Wait, said Baxter looking through her purse.
She handed the woman two one-pound coins, and Mrs Owens finally gave the bottle to Anna. When they were back on the street, Anna said to Baxter:
- Thank you so much. I'll give them back to you as soon as we get back to the Abbey.
- Speaking of which, we should hurry or we'll be late for the gong, said Baxter.
- God, yes, replied Anna looking at her watch.
As they were quickly walking to the bus stop, Anna added:
- Thank you for today Phyllis. I think you just saved my life. I was going to jump into the river. Oh Lord, I never thought I'd have to do that… John and I, we wanted a child so much…
Her voice began to break at the thought. Her eyes were again welling up with tears as she continued:
- That man… he's stolen everything from me. From us…
Baxter looked up to her:
- And… couldn't you just tell your husband the child is his?
Anna made a frown and shook her head:
- Oh, no! I couldn't live all my life with this lie… I could never look him in the eyes. He'd know. And besides… I don't want this child! I want my husband's child! she cried. I just can't imagine looking into this child's face and seeing my attacker every single day. I can't do that. It's just too much.
- I understand, said Baxter, squeezing Anna's arm.
x x x x
They got back to the Abbey just in time for the gong, which was convenient to Anna because she avoided talking to John before heading up to help Lady Mary. During the servant's tea, John kept looking at her with worried and sad eyes, and she kept pointedly looking the other way.
During the upstairs dinner, when John was not around, she sneaked outside to make a quick trip to the cottage. She wanted to grab some money to pay Baxter back, and she had none in her room at the Abbey. When she entered the cottage, looking around at the place where she had spent so many happy nights with John, despair hit her hard. She had not been here since she had moved back into the Abbey after her London trip. She slumbered on the armchair, her head hidden in her hands, and sobbed harshly. She just wanted her life back. Her life, her home, her body, her husband. Everything she held dear had been stolen from her, and she felt it was so unfair, when the man just went on with his life undeterred. After a while, she straightened up, and went to the bathroom to wash her face. She couldn't be away from the Abbey too long, or they would start looking for her. She quickly went through the cabinet and took out the box where they kept their money. She took two pounds, hoping John wouldn't notice the missing sum, and hid them into her pocket.
Just as she was about to leave, her heart skipped a beat as she heard the outside door open and close. John was standing in the hallway. She sighed, knowing she was in for yet another painful moment.
- Anna… started John, hopefully.
- I have to go back, she cut. I just wanted to come fetch something I needed.
She started walking towards the door.
- Anna, please! What is wrong with you, tell me, I beg you!
She stopped, and turned halfway, not looking at him.
- There's nothing wrong with me, she answered stubbornly.
- Come on Anna, you're not fooling me. I'm not stupid nor blind! I can see you've just been crying. Look, he went on, reaching for her hand, which she immediately took away. I don't want to pester you, but I really wished you would talk to me. I'm your husband, I love you, you know you can tell me anything…
Oh no, she thought. There were things she couldn't tell. That, she couldn't tell. She turned away, whispering:
- I must get back. Lady Mary will be needing me shortly.
- Anna… pleaded John as she went out of the cottage.
Left alone in the cottage, it was his turn to crumble down into the armchair and let his tears fall.
x x x x
Anna started taking the potion twice daily as Mrs Owens had instructed. For several days, it earned her sharp belly aches, but nothing more. No blood was coming. She was getting more worried every day. That morning, she was helping Lady Mary dress when a particularly intense pain made her wince. Lady Mary noticed:
- Anna? Are you alright?
- I'm fine m'lady.
Lady Mary did not seem convinced, and after a few second's silence, she added:
- Anna, if you're in difficulties, I wish you'd tell me.
Facing away from her employer, Anna answered:
- I'm not m'lady. Honestly. Just women's stuff, you know.
- Maybe you should see Dr Clarkson, suggested the Lady.
- Oh no, don't worry, I'll be fine.
She took Lady Mary's nightgown and turned back to her:
- Will that be all m'lady?
Lady Mary sighed, and replied:
- Yes, Anna, thank you.
She looked at her maid as she silently went out of the room. Anna had been acting odd for several weeks now, and although she had meant to let her sort out whatever it was on her own at first, she was getting worried. She cared for Anna, and she saw her wasting away a little more every day. And what with her moving back into the house… There was definitely something going on there. She thought to herself that she might talk to Mrs Hughes about Anna, if things didn't get better soon.
x x x x
Later in the day, John was alone in the servant's Hall, reading a book, or at least trying, which was proving challenging, as his thoughts kept going back to his wife's inexplicable behavior. Anna entered the Hall and made it straight to the daily book to check something. She didn't spare a look for John. When she was done, she turned around and started going away, still not acknowledging his presence, when he said:
- What is it? Can't you even bear to be in the same room as me now?
She stopped in her tracks, and answered, her gaze still fixed on the ground:
- How many times must I say it? You've done nothing wrong.
- Well you've done something wrong, he replied, somewhat harshly.
Her eyes shot up to his, hurt written on her face:
- What do you mean?
- You're breaking my heart!
She thought she was going to crumble down, when Baxter came in and called out to her:
- Mrs Bates? I wondered if you would give me a hand with the Lady's maid iron, I just cannot seem to get the trick of it.
- Of course, she whispered, and left following Baxter, without looking back.
When the two women were alone in the laundry room, Baxter started explaining to Anna the problem she had encountered with the iron, when Anna suddenly burst into tears. Baxter stopped in mid-sentence and took Anna's hand into hers:
- Oh Anna, what's the matter?
Anna sniffed:
- It's John… He just said I was breaking his heart. And I know I am, and it breaks my heart too…
Baxter sighed.
- Are you really sure you could not talk to him?
- No! No! I have to protect him, I know he would go after the man and kill him. He would hang. You weren't there in those days, but he has a criminal record. No, I have to be strong, she said, her whole body shaking.
- Alright… And… has it worked? … You know? asked Baxter.
Anna shook her head as new tears fell down.
- No… not yet. I keep getting these pains, but nothing's coming.
Baxter briefly closed her eyes. She felt so bad for her friend, for whom nothing seemed to go right. In her own time, it had worked right away, and she had been freed rather quickly.
- Well, I guess you have to keep trying… she said passing her hand warmly an Anna's arm.
- Yes, I will, answered Anna. There's nothing else I can do.
x x x x
The "you're breaking my heart" scene is from a season 4 deleted scene I found on You Tube.
And she still won't talk to John... How long can she keep it up...