Jamie's memories

Saturday, 1st of July 2000: Burlington, Vermont.

The mid-afternoon summer air was filled with excited chatter, its source quickly apparent as a long queue of people filled up the pavement in front of the City Hall of Burlington. The off-white building was surrounded by a tranquil park full of green, vibrant trees and beautiful flora, which now served as the temporary holding place for a celebration.

The crowd was filled with all sorts of interesting folk, many of which seemed to know each other or at least be very outwardly friendly with their queue neighbours. Conversation flowed freely, and if one listened in closely, not a single negative word could be heard.

Small rainbow flags were held in several hands, swaying somewhat in the wind. Some of the people present were wearing fancy clothes, befitting for a party.

Among them stood a small brunette, wearing a brown coat, a soft flowing blouse and sporting big worker boots. An envelope was clutched in her hands and she seemed to be holding onto it rather nervously, unclenching and clenching her fingers around it as she waited. Realizing once again, she wasn't a big fan of crowds, she looked around the park surrounding the Hall, pointing out some of the flowers and plants she recognised. This seemed to calm her down.

"Hey, you know this is supposed to be a day of celebration, right?" A man dressed in an expensive looking suit who was standing behind the woman interrupted her thoughts as he spoke up. He had half long black hair and sported an elegant looking moustache. "You seem nervous. Do you need help?"

Jamie turned around to face the man and noticed he was casually holding hands with another man, wearing similar fancy clothes, though he seemed a little less 'flamboyant'. The woman chuckled in response to his question.

"No, I'm fine. I just didn't expect so many people to show up. Crowds are not my favorite. Especially when I'm alone."

"Understandable. Well, you're not alone, we're here." The man smiled emphatically. His eyes went over the envelope with a curious look. "Are you here for the partnership, or something completely different?"

"No, yeah, the...civil union." Jamie smiled as she said it out loud, still feeling a little out of her mind that this was actually happening. She noticed both men seemed to be looking around for her 'partner' now, after she mentioned the union. "My wife stayed home. She was very tired today. But I didn't want to wait a day longer." She explained.

"I see. I felt the same. We've been together for 20 years, but today is finally the day we will be sharing the same last name. We didn't want to wait either." They laughed. "My name's David, by the way. And he's called Thomas." David held out his free hand for the woman to shake. Jamie grabbed it firmly with a smile and closed her eyes slightly as she looked into the sun. "Jamie. We've been together for 13. My partner's called Danielle, but she prefers Dani."

The men beamed at her as the woman seemed to light up a little as she mentioned her significant other. "Sounds delightful. We would have loved to meet her."

"Yeah, well, she's...sick. So, she gets tired a lot." Jamie wanted to get away from this subject as soon as she could, not really feeling like sharing Dani's struggles with strangers, and also not really knowing how to explain them either.

"Oh?" She immediately sensed David wanted to know more but didn't give in. Instead, she looked around at the crowd again, a little awkwardly. "This is taking so bloody long. There's a lot more people like us than I realised. Guess we're all making hay while the sun shines." A mixture of annoyance and pride were present in the woman's voice.

David and Thomas chuckled at her accent. "Where are you from? You don't sound American."

"Me? Oh, from London. Well, originally more northern, but we generally don't like to talk about that." The woman answered, laughing in return. She was glad she was able to derive the conversation away from her wife's illness.

"So, how did you end up here, then?" The other man, Thomas spoke up now, his voice much softer and calmer than his counterpart.

The woman made an explaining gesture. "Dani's from here. The US, I mean. We travelled here after we met in Britain in 1987. It took us a while to get to Vermont, we adventured around a bit, but when we arrived, we decided we didn't want to leave. Been here for 12 years now." Jamie smiled at the direct stream of happy memories that filled her mind. "Good decision, if you ask me. Who knew Vermont would be the first place we would be able to...you know? Sounds like destiny, almost."

David and Thomas looked at each other and then back at Jamie. "That is the most romantic thing I've ever heard." David whispered admiringly.

Jamie shrugged and chuckled somewhat embarrassedly. "I guess I love her. Quite a lot."

It felt kind of nice to share this moment with them, knowing she wouldn't be judged. She was looking forward to this being the new normal, maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday in the future. Surely, one day, all the obnoxious people would realise that it didn't really matter who you loved, that just the 'loving' part was enough? She hoped so. It did not seem like such a difficult thing to grasp, she thought.

Because of this feeling of non-judgement, she decided to be bold, something she rarely did. "Look, you two seem like nice guys. I know I may look a bit sour on the outside, my wife's more the people person, anyway. But, maybe, we could talk more about this over dinner or somethin'? We haven't met a lot of new people since we've been here. Especially people like us."

A very genuine smile appeared on both men's faces, recognising that she was obviously out of her comfort zone, but trying. "That would be lovely."

Relieved that she hadn't been weird, Jamie dug into her pocket and pulled out a business card. "We own the flower shop down the road. The Leafling." She handed the pink card to David, who put it in his wallet. The man laughed. "Lesbians that own a flower shop. Splendid."

The brunette chuckled at his wording. "You don't know the half of it."

They waited for a long time, but it was not such a bad thing for once. The company was good, not just the couple Jamie had met, but the other people too. Stories were shared and even though she stayed silent for the most part, the brunette felt a very strange sense of belonging, something she had never experienced before. Part of her wished Dani could have been here to share it with her, and she decided the least thing she could do was tell her wife everything about the day in detail, so she took it and all the people in to the best of her ability, enjoying every last bit. Eventually, the queue started to become shorter and the crowds began to thin, until, finally, when the sun was almost setting, it was Jamie's turn to make her way towards the front desk.

A tall woman with short blonde hair was sitting behind it, glasses, which had slightly slipped down, perched on her nose. She looked somewhat flushed, or tired, Jamie guessed, as she smiled at her next customer, which happened to be the short brunette.

"Good afternoon. How can I help you today?"

Jamie shuffled forward and put down the now somewhat ruffled envelope. She cursed herself for fiddling with it nervously all day and hoped the papers inside hadn't been damaged. "Uhm, well, my partner and I want to apply for a civil union. These are the papers we signed." She poked the envelope towards her slightly with her finger.

The woman grinned at her. "Alright, I'll take a look."

A bit impatient, Jamie watched as the blonde started rifling through the papers, which were scattered with her and Dani's handwriting and signatures. She seemed to be taking her time with it. Suddenly, the brunette felt a slight feeling of panic that maybe it would get declined and she would have to go home bearing bad news. Why else was it taking so long? She felt her palms grow sweaty and hurriedly wiped them on her pants, looking around nervously. The minutes seemed to tick away and the brunette wished the lady would just hurry up already, even if it did turn out to be declined.

"This seems to all be in order." The other woman's words set off fireworks in Jamie's chest and they exploded even further when she brought her pen down to sign their union, making it officially official. She clutched the now signed papers in her hands as she left the building, and she couldn't help but feel excited butterflies in her stomach, although the outside world would be none the wiser. The long wait had been worth it, for her last name was now Clayton and Dani Clayton was her wife.

Present

Wed, 5th of July 2000: Burlington, Vermont, Clayton Residence.

"Dani, you died on the 4th of July, 2000."

Dani searched Jamie's face frantically for a glimpse of a smile, a sign that she was joking, even though this whole situation was not funny at all, to convince herself that her wife couldn't be serious. When it didn't come, the blonde cleared her throat and shook her head, chuckling dryly.

"Must have been one hell of a nightmare."

The other woman sighed, slumping down on the bed, feeling defeated. "I know it sounds absolutely mental, but it's true. I just...I don't understand why I'm back here. And how is it not the same as the first time around?" She scratched her head, confused as she looked up at the white ceiling.

"Well, maybe you dreamt that I died and it seemed so realistic that you can't really tell the truth from the dream. " Dani offered carefully. "I've had dreams like that before."

"Have you ever heard of someone dreaming over the span of about... 7 years?" Jamie laughed sarcastically, the years of pain described evident in her voice. "No. I went to your funeral. And I closed down the shop. Moved out of Vermont. And then I….I was at Flora's wedding when…" She tried very hard to recall what had happened in the bathroom at said wedding, but it was a bit foggy. Weird.

"Flora got married? She's like 20! That's way too young." Dani muttered in jokingly, still feeling like her wife might eventually snap out of whatever this was, hopefully soon.

"Well, 27 actually." Jamie corrected absent-mindedly. She was thinking of a way to convince her significant other that she hadn't gone absolutely bonkers, all the while dealing with the fact that her wife was actually still alive, sitting in front of her and in the process, her whole brain had become mush. Had she gone insane? Possibly.

Dani looked at the other woman's pained and confused expression and made a decision. "Okay, well. Let's get you to eat something. Maybe that will clear it up." She slapped Jamie's knee bare to get her to stand up. "I'll make you some coffee."

The brunette hurriedly got up, still feeling extremely freaked out whenever Dani touched her. "No, please don't do that. I'll make it myself. You might have risen from the dead, but I bet your coffee is still shite."

Dani let out a genuine laugh and the other woman almost wanted to cry at how beautiful the sound was and how much she had missed it. She felt the immediate need to turn around to make sure she wouldn't, because that would be embarrassing.

"Maybe put some pants on." The blonde chirped up and Jamie could hear her getting off of the bed. Before she knew it, she felt arms wrap around her from behind and she staggered, wanting to melt into the embrace so badly but not risking getting hurt again when the dream, or whatever this was, would end. She couldn't give in, what if that was what made her wake up?

She could feel Dani's breath on the back of her neck as she chuckled. "Or don't. I like you better without pants."

Blushing slightly, the brunette managed to wiggle herself free and she rubbed her forehead awkwardly. "Coffee, you said?" Feeling extra aware now of her pants-less state, she looked around the room and found a pair of dungarees, lazily hung over a chair, so she quickly slipped into them.

Jamie stood at the kitchen counter, her back faced towards Dani who was sitting at the table, drumming her fingers on the surface somewhat absent mindedly. The noise of the coffee machine made the silence less heavy, but the brunette could still feel her wife's eyes burning in the back of her head, waiting for her to say something. It was quite strange to be back in their old apartment, surrounded by all the familiar, but now also foreign furniture. Bizarre to be making coffee in this kitchen again. A loud beep interrupted Jamie's thoughts as the machine announced that it was done and she shuffled towards it. She grabbed both cups and set one of them down in front of Dani, holding onto the other one with both hands, which were shaking a little bit, making the liquid ripple slightly.

They sat opposite each other and Jamie didn't understand why it was suddenly so awkward. They had been together for 13 years before Dani's death and every day since then she had wished for just another moment with her wife, but now she suddenly felt at loss for what to say.

Dani was watching her with two attentive blue eyes and something seemed off about that to Jamie, but she couldn't exactly point out what.

"So, how did I die? In your dream?" The blonde spoke up quite suddenly, catching Jamie somewhat off-guard with the question.

"Oh...you uh…you know..." Jamie tried, but she looked away, the memories too painful to even begin to explain them out loud. She swallowed hard.

Dani was smart enough to be able to fill in the blanks herself. "It was her, wasn't it? She killed me." The blonde woman spoke as if she wasn't at all fazed by this, laying it down more like it was fact. Like she knew that had always been her eventual fate. Her voice was soft and she looked very small. "I know she did. She shows me that kind of stuff sometimes, you know?"

The brunette carefully sipped her coffee, burning her tongue a little bit and cursing softly. Dani seemed to have shrunk in her seat at the direction the conversation was going, but she had brought it up herself, so Jamie figured it was okay to press on. "What kind of stuff?"

"Just, like visions, I guess?" The other woman thought for a bit, her tone vague. "It's like dreams but, when you're awake." The blonde had tried to mention the visions before, but never went into much detail, because they were really confusing most of the time, anyway. Now, she felt they were both coming clean about some stuff, so it seemed like the right time to mention them again.

"Is it bad?" Jamie asked, genuinely interested but also a bit disturbed.

The other woman sniffled. "Not really. Sometimes she shows me things I've never seen before and which seem really...faded, almost like they're someone else's memories. Those are actually pretty nice, I guess."

The brunette put her cup down on the table. "Maybe they're hers? She could have been a person once, before she….you know, lost her face and everything."

"Maybe..." Dani thought back to what happened a few days ago, when she had stared at the lady's featureless face for hours and how horrible and empty she had felt back then, surrounded by the cold water, especially compared to now. "Speaking of her…" She put down her cup as well. "I don't feel her at all, today."

Jamie furrowed her brow, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well, like I said…" Dani swallowed heavily, staring into her coffee cup. "Most of the time it feels like I'm fading. But..." She looked back up to face her wife. "Today it's like...like she's not even there? And I'm clearer than I have been in a long time."

"That's good?" The brunette's words sounded more like a question than an encouragement. She recalled what Dani's letter had said with a painful stab and wondered. "So, you're not feeling like she's controlling you?"

"Not at all. I feel like, completely normal?" The blonde didn't want to allow herself to sound too hopeful. "But, it's...nothing. Probably just having a good day, that's all."

Jamie nodded and they fell silent again, sipping their coffee. She was trying to make sense of everything, but her head felt like it was filled with cotton. It felt like the resolution, the answer to this sick joke was so close but she just couldn't grasp it yet.

On the other side of the table, Dani felt a strange combination of confusion and relaxation. She had bad days which were followed by better days, but they had been nothing compared to what she felt inside now. She vaguely wondered if she should see a doctor about this, but then realised that was absolutely ridiculous and she would probably be in an asylum before she could even say the word 'possession'. Deciding to just bask in what she got, she closed her eyes as the morning sun shone in her eyes, warming up her face comfortably.

"I'll make us some toast." Jamie cleared her throat awkwardly after realising she had been staring at Dani for a while, and she went on her way to do so. Her thoughts were running wild, like a highway street on which no one knew what direction they were supposed to drive in. It all seemed to be so vaguely connected somehow, her being back here, Dani being alive and not feeling Viola's presence…

She had turned around to ask Dani what she wanted on her toast when she accidentally dropped the butterknife she had been using on the floor, the loud clattering making both women jump. "Whoops. Sorry." Jamie chuckled breathlessly and kneeled down to pick it up. Just as her fingers closed around the slippery utensil, Jamie could feel something brush past her leg and another clattering was heard. "Everything is falling!" She exclaimed nervously and went to pick up the other unknown thing that she had dropped. With a shock she recognised the familiar form of her first generation iPhone, the screen slightly cracked now from it hitting the hard kitchen floor. It must have fallen out of her pocket. She hurriedly grabbed it and tried to unlock it, a picture of Dani's smiling face looking at her from the lockscreen. Then, she noticed something really weird. The numbers of the clock on screen were changing rapidly from one to another and back again, like a broken alarm clock.

Jamie got up with a confused face by grabbing the counter with her free hand, the phone grasped tightly in her other hand.

"Dani…" She started, catching the other woman's attention. "Come take a look at this."

With a chuckle, the blonde got up from her chair, still holding her coffee. "You need some help finding your butterknife?" She walked over to stand beside Jamie, their hips almost touching, and looked at what her wife held in her hand. Her forehead wrinkled up in confusion at the foreign object she was seeing. "Hey, what's that?"

"This is an iPhone." Jamie had to grin quietly at how ridiculous she must sound. "It's a mobile phone." She further explained.

"Where's the keyboard?" Dani asked, her hands moving forward to take the 'phone' from her wife. She felt the smooth surface of the back and tapped the one central button the device seemed to have, testing it out. The screen lit up with a picture of herself, and again, the weird, fluctuating numbers. "This is so weird. I've never seen a phone like this before. Where did you get this?"

Jamie ran her hands through her hair, once again stumped at finding a way to explain this without sounding crazy. "That's because it's not out yet. This phone was released in 2007. One day before Flora's wedding, in fact. It's brand new."

"Oh." Dani didn't really know what to do with that information. "What's happening to the clock?" She pointed at the rapidly changing numbers. "Is that a feature?"

"No. It hasn't done that before." The brunette muttered and scratched the back off her neck, thinking. "Maybe it has something to do with that fact that I travelled back 7 years in time?

Dani sighed, dropping the phone on the counter, frustrated. "Listen, if this is some elaborate prank, you really put some effort into it, I must say." She swallowed heavily and looked up to face her wife. "But if it isn't...this 'y-phone' must be a clue or something." The other woman had to chuckle slightly at the mispronunciation. "Maybe you could try calling someone?"

A small sprinkle of hope that maybe she hadn't gone insane and her significant other would actually believe her swelled up in Jamie's chest, and she nodded. "Sure. That's a great idea." She grabbed the phone and unlocked it hurriedly, her hands feeling jittery. The colorful app icons appeared on screen and Dani, who was leaning over brunette's shoulder, looked at them with interest. The other woman tapped the phone book icon and searched for Owen's name. "I'll try Owen. He's the last person I saw before…you know." Tapping it, she nervously brought the phone to her ear to listen. She was immediately met with a loud dial tone and breathed out, putting it down again. She then also noticed that she didn't have a signal. "Nope. Signal's bust."

"Damn." Dani simply commented, visibly disappointed.

The brunette sighed heavily, feeling discouraged as well, but then an idea popped into her head. "Hey, we took a picture at the wedding! Maybe it's still on here." She quickly opened the gallery and was immediately greeted with her older face, and Owen's, both of them smiling into the camera, as it was the last picture she had taken. "There!"

She handed the phone to the blonde, whose blue eyes studied the photo for a while, saying nothing. "That's you?" She eventually said, hovering her finger over older Jamie's face.

"Yep. My old mug." Jamie chuckled.

Dani smiled, though tears were starting to brim in her eyes. "She looks pretty. You look pretty, I mean." The brunette could see that her wife was really struggling to comprehend everything, which was understandable, giving the circumstances, but she could now see the truth was slowly setting in, painfully so. Carefully, she took the phone from her significant other's hands and zoomed in on her own hands in the picture. "Look. Still got your ring." The blonde chuckled tearily in response.

Both of them were silent for a bit.

"Okay, so. Say if I believe you." The blonde eventually spoke up, even though it seemed to take a lot of energy. "It's not the first strange thing we have been through. I mean, it sounds insane but...our lives have been kinda insane so far anyway."

Jamie looked up in surprise, not expecting her wife to actually believe her.

Dani continued. "Say you somehow travelled back in time...but that time is nothing like it was the first time. It's all different and weird. Right?" The brunette nodded to confirm. "That means you somehow changed something, maybe. Or you got a second chance? We did, I mean. I'm obviously not dead." She chuckled slightly at the ridiculousness of that statement. "So, what changed?" Her eyes connected with Jamie's in a question, who almost drowned in their beautiful blue, just like she had all those years ago in the garden house of Bly Manor. Wait, two blue eyes?

"Dani, your eyes!" The woman suddenly exclaimed, grabbing her wife's wrist in surprise.

The blonde blinked confusedly. "My eyes?"

"They're blue! Both of them!" Without another word, Jamie hurriedly pulled the blonde along towards the bathroom, which flooded her with nostalgia once again but she pushed the feeling away quickly as she placed her wife in front of the mirror, pointing. "Look!"

Dani was so used to seeing the faceless woman's expression as her reflection that she was almost startled to see her own face again. What was even more startling was that her tired, somewhat crazy looking eyes were both sparkling blue again. "Huh." She chuckled, bringing her hand up to touch her own cheek and watching her counterpart do the same.

"You just said it feels like Viola is not there, right?" Jamie's voice to her right was a few octaves higher from excitement. "What if she's gone?"

"Gone?" The blonde's voice audibly cracked and she shook her head, chuckling. "Well, that can't be. She has always been here. That can't suddenly change."

The other woman grabbed her wife's hands and squeezed them elatedly. "Well, I shouldn't be here either. I must have done something to get rid of her!" She excitedly rambled on. "Ugh, if only I could remem-" She was interrupted as she felt Dani's weight lean on her as her wife's knees had seemingly buckled. "Oh."

Together, they slid to the floor, Jamie making sure that the other woman didn't hurt herself as she wrapped her arms around her protectively. "Hey, you alright?"

The blonde's voice was super small. "She's g-gone?"

"I think so, Poppins." The brunette's eyes scrunched up a bit as she smiled widely. She brought her hand up to wipe some of Dani's hair out of her teary eyes. She couldn't imagine what that realisation must mean for her wife so she gave her a bit of time to process, making sure to rub her arm supportively.

"Gone." Dani chuckled dryly, honestly looking a bit unhinged now. Her hands were shaking. "What does that even mean?"

"I think it means you finally get to live, Dani." Jamie's eyes brimmed with tears as well and she hurriedly wiped them away, wanting to be strong and supportive instead of collapsing like she could feel herself slowly doing. "Like you were supposed to."

The blonde woman fiddled with her trembling hands, staring at them. "But why?"

"I don't know. Fate?" The brunette said lamely, chuckling. "I don't think the why is important. I just think...life's funny that way. I mean sure, it fucks you over most of the time. But maybe God, or whatever, decided that you deserved this. I sure do." She squeezed her significant other's hands. Her heart had broken a little, seeing her wife like this, but she reminded herself that this was a good thing. Heavy, unbelievable, but good.

Dani sniffled. "God, I don't even know what to do with that thought." She softly stroked Jamie's hand. Her watery blue eyes searched for her wife's as she cleared her nose noisily, which was slightly red.

The brunette smiled encouragingly. "I think you just need some time to...you know. Process."

Jamie slowly wiped the tears from the blonde's cheeks with her thumbs. "So do I, to be honest." She sighed audibly. "I barely even know where to begin. I mean, how would this work? I don't think there's a guide on time travelling out there, but if there was, I could really use it." Both women chuckled softly and were silent for a while, just holding each other, happy in the moment, but thinking hard at the same time.

"Wait, you know about stuff that's like going to happen in the future, right?" Dani spoke up after a bit, her voice still a little unsteady. "We could buy a lottery ticket and get rich!"

Jamie smiled at where her wife's mind had gone of all places. "I don't think it works like that. Also, I don't remember detailed stuff like that. But, I guess you're right." The brunette's eyes narrowed as she thought of things that would happen in the following years to come and suddenly felt a bit overwhelmed. "9/11, for example." She whispered, realization hitting her like a truck. "Am I supposed to warn people about stuff like that now?"

"What's 9/11?" Dani answered softly, looking understandably confused.

Jamie wanted to explain, but found herself absolutely unable to say it out loud. After trying several times, she gave up. "Huh." She said, chuckling. "Figures."

The other woman looked at her with an understanding frown. "You can't say it?"

"Nope. Guess God is cruel after all." The brunette felt frustrated, and definitely made a point to remember that this was something she should try again in the future, but for now, 9/11 was at least a year away, and what mattered was right in front of her. "Nevertheless. We should get up from this floor."

Dani nodded and they helped each other up, both feeling weird and giddy. "How about that toast?"