CHAPTER 37

For Ellana, life in Val Royeaux had been lackluster, if not awful. If there was one redeeming factor amidst all of the balderdash, codswallop, and moonshine of the previous four months, it was that the water pressure in her bathroom was fantastic. The bathroom's gold appliances were tarnished, but in perfect working condition. The oversized clawfoot tub, built for a human, could easily fit three of her with room to spare.

It was wasteful, but she couldn't help but sometimes allow the hot deluge to pass over her skin for what felt like hours at a time. Ellana would shut the door allowing any number of terrible incidents to disappear amidst the steam and fog.

She was in the shower now. The temperature was high enough that the small bathroom was completely filled with steam, the mirror fogged up completely with water vapor. Her face was turned upwards to the gushing spout. She clenched her eyes closed and allowed the heat to soak into her scalp and stream down over her shoulders.

It was the last day of the weekend. Ellana and Fenris had returned from a long walk along one of the stone boulevards, stopping at a cafe for her to drink a glass of red wine while Fenris smoked a cigarette, every huff of breath and smoke hung in the air around them. It would snow soon. Until then, Orlesians would not stop sitting outside, cocooned in the down of winter coats.

"This is such a strange place," Fenris had observed when a group of masked nobles tittered on one of the courtyards along a wall of taxidermied long-extinct beasts. "Are you sure you want to say here?"

"No, I'm not."

It would be difficult for Ellana to give up the achievement of a tenure track professorship at the University of Orlais, but the pastel flounces of Val Royeaux made her miss the monochrome and sleek crowds of Minrathous. Part of her was tempted to pack everything up at the end of the semester and follow Fenris back to the artist commune.

Moving back to the commune might be going backward in her career, but Ellana wasn't sure she cared for the ongoing games in the department. Although it sounded as if Rodderick would no longer be an obstacle, she had received little love from other faculty members, the school administration, or the city itself. It would be hard, emotionally, and logistically, but she could get an entry-level job at one of the big auction houses, appraising artifacts with fuzzy provenances. Or perhaps she could even adjunct at MIT?

It could be a better life. Was it even an option? It was a little strange at almost thirty to think of voluntarily living without plumbing in the middle of nowhere.

Things were awkward between Fenris and Ellana since she had returned from Val Royeaux late on Friday night. She suspected, not as a result of Solas driving her back, but at the prospect of her proximity to another situation with strange and undefinable magic. The night she had arrived home, they had a short conversation. She had summarized as much as she dared about the brazier and her experiences in the Fade, and sadly watched as Fenris' face twisted into a silent agony.

He hadn't touched her since the conversation.

Ellana's musings were interrupted when she heard the door creak open, and Fenris' steady step on the mosaic tile floor. Pulling the curtain open a bit, she peeked out at him.

"Are you planning on coming in?" She asked, in what she considered a seductive voice. It wasn't so uncommon for him to climb into the shower with her, and she was hopeful for a moment, that he had finally been able to put aside his fear and be with her. Why did such a thought make her have to suppress dreams of Professor Solas Fen'Harel?

He nodded, catching her glance with a mischievous smile as he pulled up his shirt over his head revealing his toned abs, silver lines of lyrium curved over his biceps, down below the waistband of his black pants. Shutting the shower curtain, Ellana stood directly under the water, waiting with anticipation for Fenris to climb over the edge of the porcelain tub and join her.

She didn't have to wait long to feel Fenris' arms wrapping around her shoulders. It was a bittersweet touch, loose and remorseful as if Fenris was letting her go rather than holding her close.

"I rented a truck tomorrow," Fenris announced. Ellana couldn't figure out what he might be hinting at. "I can pick you up on campus after you're done teaching."

"What for?"

"I want to take you couch shopping. I think I owe you some furniture after throwing a party in your apartment in Minrathous while you were out of town that one time. Besides, I live in a shitty cabin with no indoor plumbing and sell more work than I know what to do with."

Ellana began to calculate what might motivate Fenristo buy her a couch. It wasn't out of any sincere remorse for her long-gone second-hand pink velvet couch that had been ruined with multiple red wine spills. That had been years ago. She knew to listen carefully to his words, as whenever the usually taciturn Fenris strung together more than two sentences at a time, it was the result of careful planning.

A sudden realization of why she might need a couch made her stomach drop. All that wondering about moving back to Tevinter, or the artist commune, was not an option. At least not at this time.

"It's over, isn't it? Between us?" Ellana announced with sudden awareness. She wasn't often driven by strong emotions and was grateful for the water of the shower to hide the tears that began to stream down her face. "I-is it. Are you mad about Solas driving me home."

It was a little dishonest, but she hadn't told Fenris about the near kiss in the car.

"No, La," he responded in a painful voice "It's the magic. When you sleep at night, my head buzzes with the power. It hurts so badly on my markings and it's so hard for me to push away…"

"I understand," she replied quietly, careful not to allow the conversation to drift too close to the dark moments of his past. She twisted around to look at him, she was greeted by two remorseful gray eyes and a nostalgic smile.

"I care for you so much, La. The romance might be over, but the friendship is not."

"I know," she choked a bit, the tears falling in earnest now. "We were really something weren't we."

He nodded, cupping her face and using his thumbs to trace over the tattooed branches of her vallaslin. She wondered if Fenris was also remembering all their years together: the impulsive road trips, the late nights working on projects together, or the days spent on the beaches. She and Fenris had grown up together. In Ellana's mind, ending the relationship was not only about saying goodbye to him as an individual, but a time in her life that was freer, with endless possibilities.

As much as Val Royeaux had been hard, she knew that she was on a more concrete path now. One that would be harder to waiver from.

Of all the times they had this discussion, however, it was the most cordial. She could recall bitter arguments and uncertain boundaries. This time, a small part of her knew, the separation was forever.

"You really thought the shower was the place to have this conversation?" Ellana teased, as she saw what looked like a few stray tears falling along his cheeks.

"It's symbolic," Fenris replied in a sarcastic voice that was betrayed by a tender laugh. "Of new beginnings. I'm not leaving you...as a friend. I'll stay for a while longer if you'll have me-on the couch that we will purchase tomorrow."

"Thank you," she said, wrapping her arms around him, resting her cheek against Fenris' chest for what might be the last time. "I guess we are being very reasonable about things for once."

"I went to therapy," Fenris admitted with a chuckle. "As you suggested the last time we parted."

Ellana had shouted it at him after a particularly rowdy party where Fenris had too much to drink and had broken several wine bottles in the main stretch of the commune. He was slowly destroying himself. She hadn't stayed to watch it, instead, she took the bus back to her apartment in Minrathous, refusing to take any phone calls from Fenris until he got sober. By the time he did, she was elsewhere living her own life.

"I'm glad you took my advice,'' she said, the two were rocking a bit back and forth in the tub in a strange waltz. The seven years of love shared between them had transformed so quickly into something else entirely. Ellana had thought the feeling sad at first, but unexpectedly found a weight lifted from her.

"You just like being right," Fenris snorted, tightening his arms around her.

Ellana didn't respond, nor did Fenris speak again, as they stood together under the water until it grew cold thinking about the past.