Author's Note: If you're the kind of reader who hates it when two idiots are idiots about their obvious feelings for many, many chapters on end, this fic is probably starting to make you throw things at the screen by now. But since that's what you guys signed up for, you're just gonna have to deal with it. :D I have no remorse.
And thank you to the people who listened to me ponder my direction for this chapter on the internets - I can't even remember if it was Tumblr, Discord or WhatsApp now, but anyway, you guys know who you are. Thank you again!
The hotel room in Chicago was more spacious than the motel room—large enough to contain a small table as well as a bed. Why did that disappoint Jane? She could sketch at the table tonight, which was way more practical.
You know why. You wanted to spend the evening close enough to reach out and touch Kurt—even if there'd be no reason to actually touch him.
Jane shook the thought out of her head and pulled her workout gear from the bottom of her go bag.
"Earlier, you said we could go for a run in Grant Park. You still want to come along?" she asked.
Kurt looked over from where he was stashing his toiletries in the bathroom. "Thought about it…but nope."
Unsure whether she was relieved or disappointed, she frowned across at him. "How come?"
He returned to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. "Well, unlike some people, I treat being out of state for a few days as an excuse to skip my usual exercise routine. I didn't bring anything to work out in."
"What about the sweatpants you were wearing last night?" Jane suggested, without thinking it through first.
Amused, he raised an eyebrow. "And after I've sweated through them trying to keep up with you, what would I wear to sleep in tonight?"
"Ah." Flustered, Jane looked down at the clothing in her hands. "Good point."
"I still have a book to finish, so you can run for as long as you need." He kicked off his shoes and began to get settled on the bed.
Jane shut herself into the bathroom to get changed, taking a quick look in the mirror to make sure she wasn't visibly blushing.
The idea of Kurt sleeping naked next to her wouldn't disappear from her head, even as she left the hotel room with a brief farewell over her shoulder. Beginning a warm-up jog in the direction of the lakeshore, she assessed her surroundings, trying to focus on reality and not the fantasy in her head.
Even so, as she reached the wide open space of Grant Park and began some stretches, her mind lingered on Kurt. The way he'd addressed the moments when they'd lain spooned together that morning had thrown her off guard, but also given her the wild hope that it would happen again tomorrow morning.
And that the alarm wouldn't interrupt them this time.
And that innocent snuggling would lead to less chaste activities.
She straightened from stretching her hamstrings, sighing. Time to outrun that idea, Doe.
Why couldn't she shake this stupid crush? Was it just because Kurt had been the first person to give her reassurance, back when she'd first arrived at the FBI? The first person she remembered hugging her? Had she imprinted on him like baby birds did to the farmers who hand-reared them?
It felt like more than that, but how could she know? A few hazy memories of her life with Oscar, back when she'd been Remi, didn't give her enough of the picture to remember what it had been like to be in love. And their relationship after he'd rescued her from Carter's clutches had been hollow, unequal—him holding tidbits of information just out of her reach, expecting her to jump through his hoops to get to the truth. She'd grown to rely on him nonetheless, even to panic at the prospect of him being replaced with a different handler—but she'd always felt there was something missing, something besides the respect he'd clearly never had for her as Jane Doe.
With Kurt, the only thing she felt was missing was his touch, his body against hers, his lips on her skin…
And that was a thought she definitely had to outrun, or she'd wind up jumping him the moment she got back to the hotel room.
She started at a brisk jog, then increased her pace to an all-out run as the endorphins kicked in. Exercise seemed to be a chore for most people, but she didn't know who she'd be without it—the repetitive impact of her feet against the ground, the breeze in her hair, the burn of lactic acid in her muscles when she reached her limit. Unless she was injured in some way, she fitted in at least a small workout every day, taking comfort in the way her body rarely let her down the way her mind did.
Maybe Remi had been an exercise addict, and that physical dependency on endorphins had transferred over to her, post-ZIP. The way Kurt had been able to tell she was suffering without her morning run—quit thinking about Kurt—seemed to imply she was a little too reliant on exercise, but until they'd dealt with Shepherd, Jane needed every edge her body could give her.
Until Sandstorm were no longer a threat, Kurt could tease her about her love of exercise all he wanted.
Her brain supplied an image of him sliding his fingertips under the hem of her shirt, kissing the back of her neck, and Jane swallowed hard. Not that kind of teasing, Doe.
The shower she took when she got back to the hotel would have to be very, very cold.
Concentrating on his book was impossible.
Kurt threw his phone aside and scowled at the wall, shaking his head. Should have flown back to New York with Zapata.
The moment he registered the thought, he was already laughing at himself. He already knew he was exactly where he wanted to be, even if it was driving him crazy. He could never get enough of each soft, shy smile Jane sent his way, or the lightness in his heart when he could make her laugh.
Spending this time with her, alone, away from work, was a gift and a curse at the same time. It was making him realise how effortless their friendship had become over the past few months, despite all the odds. But it was also shaking his resolve to remain at a distance until her case was concluded.
Earlier, when they'd discussed sharing a hotel room again, the awkwardness between them had been tangible, and he'd sensed that if he didn't address the issue they'd both been pretending to ignore, things would only get worse. So he'd turned it into a joke, teasing that if she wanted to snuggle up to him again tomorrow morning, she should try not to wake him. She'd been startled, but the anxiety she'd been radiating had diminished rapidly after that, as she'd taken the chance to make sure he knew she hadn't cosied up to him on purpose.
At least, not before she'd woken up with his arm around her. Whether she wanted him to know it or not, she'd definitely been happy to stay there, once she'd realised her predicament.
He was torn about how to handle things from here. Part of him wanted to end the pretence that he could ever see her as just a friend, take her out to dinner somewhere nice, give her the kind of romantic evening she deserved, then let her decide where she wanted to go from there.
But the problems with that scenario jumped out at him the moment he considered it. For one thing, they were both living out of their go bags this weekend, and he was willing to bet Jane's didn't contain anything she could wear for a date, any more than his did.
The biggest problem, though, was that if they agreed to change the rules of their relationship at this point, the bed they'd be sharing tonight would go from a suggestive inconvenience to an expectation. At home, a date that ended with a kiss could be ended with a 'see you tomorrow' and a retreat into their own separate spaces, if they wanted to keep things slow. Here in Chicago, they couldn't even rent a separate room for one of them to sleep in if they wanted to—everything was booked solid tonight.
The last thing Kurt wanted was for Jane to feel pressured to sleep with him, if she needed time to figure things out.
That left only one course of action, which should have made everything easier, but really did nothing but keep them in this holding pattern. He was going to have to ignore his feelings for Jane for a little longer, despite how impossible that was becoming. Once they got back to New York and fell back into their usual working routine, he would reassess where they stood, and whether it would be easier to stay friends when they weren't spending their nights in the same bed.
He suspected there was no going back for him—not now he'd gazed into Jane's sleeping face and admitted to himself that he was hopelessly in love with her.
But at least he could spend a night or two more in denial.
Glancing at his watch, Kurt decided to shower and trim back his stubble while he was failing to concentrate on anything else. His thoughts stayed on Jane as he freshened up—and if he lingered in the shower for a few minutes longer than usual, that was between him and his hand.
Once he was finished taming his stubble, he returned his attention to the book he'd been failing to read earlier. Now he was a little more relaxed, he actually managed to absorb a couple of pages before Jane returned to the hotel room.
As she opened the door, he heard her speaking, obviously not to him. "Are you sure you don't want me to fly back tonight? I can probably be home by ten or eleven, if—"
She walked into view with her phone pressed to her ear, sending a quick smile in his direction before becoming distracted again. "Okay, but call me if you need to. Don't suffer alone. I bet Dr. Sun would say the same thing."
Roman. Kurt had already suspected—her brother was the only one Jane would drop everything for when there were several states between them—but he relaxed a little nonetheless. Come on, Weller. Were you actually worried Oliver Kind had changed his mind about leaving her?
Apparently, he was—even if he hadn't realised it until now.
A minute of quiet conversation later, Jane hung up and turned to Kurt with an apologetic sigh. "Sorry. Roman had a tough therapy session today. A couple more memories came back, from when we were kids. Nothing we can use against Shepherd, but…he's struggling."
Concerned, Kurt sat up straighter. "Does Dr. Sun know how bad things are?"
Jane gave a helpless shrug. "I think so, but…he's not her biggest fan, so he could have played it down, even though she is his therapist." She shifted her weight, indecisive. "I know how much I would hate it if I said I was fine and everyone ignored me, but…I'm worried, Kurt. He still looks so fragile sometimes."
"Hey." He caught her wrist as she paced up between his side of the bed and the bathroom door, drawing her gently closer and bringing her to a stop between his knees. It was far too intimate a position for a couple of friends, but he'd acted before he could stop himself, and Jane was probably too distracted to notice. "He's gonna be fine. But if it'll make you feel better, we could see if Patterson's free to go check on him."
She bit her lip for a moment, gazing down at him with a conflicted look in her eyes. "From what I've seen of them in the lab together, they do seem to get on. He doesn't remember anything about what the tattoos mean, but they were trying to figure one of them out together last week, in the lab. It was nice to see him connect with someone new." She nodded slowly. "Do you think Patterson would mind?"
"Between you and me, since the whole Borden mess, she's been working way too hard. I bet she'd be pulling overtime in the lab again tonight—against my orders, I should add—so I think it'd be good for her to have something else to do." He shrugged. "If she has other plans, she can say no. But she won't mind us asking."
"Okay." Jane relaxed a little, and he rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand, hoping to reassure her. "Thank you. I was freaking out a little."
He resisted the urge to cup her waist in his hands, squeezing her hand before releasing it. "I'll send her a text."
"And I'll take a quick shower." Jane stepped back, looking slightly self-conscious now. "Then maybe we can go for a walk, find somewhere to grab some food?"
"Sounds good." Anything that will distract me from doing something stupid, like nearly pulling you into my lap again.
While Jane located her toiletries and a change of clothing, Kurt busied himself with his phone, not daring to look up in case she saw how close his control had been to slipping. It hadn't even been a conscious decision to pull her that close; it had just been instinct, as though his body already knew he was waiting for the right moment to change things between them, and had taken a step further towards intimacy without his volition.
Now he couldn't stop wondering what might have happened if he'd laid a trail of kisses below her sports bra, across her bare stomach.
Wonder when you get home. Focus on texting Patterson.
By the time Jane emerged from the bathroom, their friend had agreed to stop by Jane and Roman's safehouse later that evening. Relieved, Jane called Patterson to thank her, then turned to Kurt.
"Now, do I call Roman and tell him Patterson's gonna be dropping by, or do I just let her surprise him?"
He reached for his shoes, amused by her indecision. "I don't know. Do you outright want to tell him Big Sis arranged a babysitter, or just have him put that together on his own when Patterson shows up?"
She sighed, looking rueful. "Either way is pretty controlling, huh?"
Kurt pulled on his shoes, then got to his feet. "Honestly? I'd have done the same thing if Sarah was in his position. Things aren't easy for him at the moment, and it's better to be a little too cautious than to regret it later."
Jane nodded, taking a step closer and gazing up at him with gratitude, and an intensity that felt so damn familiar that his breath caught. "Thank you. For…" She shook her head a little shyly. "For being here. For not making me feel like I'm overreacting."
"You're welcome." Before the moment could grow into something deeper than either of them could handle, Kurt nodded towards the door. "Come on, let's move."
She shot him an amused look over her shoulder, halfway to the door. "'Let's move'? That was very Special Agent Weller. Is this an important mission?"
"It's a food-finding mission. The most important kind."
Jane laughed under her breath. "Sounds dangerous. Maybe I should bring my sidearm with me."
"Nah. We can improvise if we have to."
It wasn't until they were almost out on the street that he realised why the intense moment when she'd thanked him had seemed so familiar.
You're my starting point.
It didn't change anything, he told himself, as they began a relaxed walk down towards Lake Michigan. No matter how charged things got between them tonight, acting on his desires was out of the question. Not while Jane had no choice but to share his bed.
Author's Note: If anyone is getting the impression that Jane might have decided to change course a little while she was in the shower, you might be right... Even with worrying about her brother factored in, she just can't stay completely oblivious to Kurt's heart-eyes. But since Kurt has already drawn a line under tonight as Not Going to Happen...things will likely get even more frustrating before bedtime. ;D