I am so, so sorry for having taken so long with this chapter. I have to admit I didn't like the result but it was either posting it now or waiting who knows how much more before I was satisfied with it.

Thank you so much for your patience and your continuous support. I would still like to know what your thoughts are on this chapter and on the story in general. Your comments are like a compass to my writing.

Warnings!: I guess I could mention a tiny bit warning about panic attacks and some self loathing thoughts. I have to confess I also used this chapter to channel some of my inner thoughts this past few weeks but I'm handling them, much like Alex here is also trying to get ahead of his feelings in order to remain functional.

That being said, I hope you manage to enjoy the reading.

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Chapter 11: I guess the tether wasn't strong enough then

Of all the strange things Alex had seen in his life, watching Eagle greeting Ian with a handshake had to be on the top three, right there with seeing the earth from outer space and Blunt sporting a white teeth smile. It had happened, once.

"So you're the uncle"

"I'm the uncle"

Eagle hadn't phrased his words as a question, more like an accusing statement and his tone wasn't at all friendly like it usually was with almost anyone. Ian's wasn't any better, but he seemed to ignore Eagle's rudeness in favor of not creating any more drama or maybe just sensing he was way outnumbered in the caring-for-Alex department.

Another strange thing? Eagle greeted Ben with a fist bump before he hugged Alex, giving him a few pats on the back.

"You good?" he asked to which the blond nodded. If the soldier had a point to drive across, he was definitely succeeding. Alex had a quick amused thought about Eagle acting like an animal marking territory. He had to admit the thought was comforting.

They didn't waste any more time with formalities, Alex and Ben having already explained to Ian who Eagle was and the other man not really needing any more introduction.

They got right down to business pretty quickly after that.

Eagle's morning had been busier than theirs. He'd dedicated himself to scout out every possible location where the exchange with Carlos Villanueva could take place. The information on the fake flashdrive in exchange for Vict's life.

They were aware that trying to guess where exactly the man would want to meet was almost impossible, but based on a few deduced traits, Eagle had managed to narrow down the list from absolutely anywhere to at least half the town. He'd taken the time to explain to them everything he'd taken into consideration: the location of the first meeting between Alex and the man, the half hour mark he'd been given to arrive and a bunch of others indicators Alex just wasn't really paying attention to, his mind wandering every other second to either his uncle's presence or Vict's predicament.

"This building is under construction, so it might be used…"

"Yeah, but the one on the right isn't…"

"What about this street? It's well…"

Alex wasn't following.

Right then, he felt like a kid who'd been forced to sit at the adults' table.

The four of them were gathered around the dining table with Eagle's notes spread out and Ian's laptop showing a map of the city, much like the one he'd seen when they'd tried to trace the call from Vict's phone.

He wasn't participating on the discussion. It's not like he had much to say anyway. He wasn't an expert strategist like Eagle, or an experienced spy like his uncle. He felt like he was just pretending to be one, like all he'd ever done was pretend to know what he'd been doing when in reality, all the times he'd had to get out of a life threatening situation, he'd just been lucky or downright saved by someone else.

Every mission he undertook for MI6 lead him to all kinds of impossible situations that he'd only managed to survive by sheer dumb luck. He'd never actually accomplished anything. And as proof of that, the only other time he found himself in danger outside the world of MI6, he hadn't been able to save himself, not really, not by luck and certainly not by skill.

He was useless. All that training, all the fighting and survival lessons weren't enough to save himself or the people he loved when it mattered the most. He was useless.

"I should get started on the encryption of the fake drive"

"We can keep studying these notes"

It wasn't going to work, Alex thought. None of it was going to work because he wasn't good enough to pull it off. He had to deceive Carlos long enough for them to rescue Vict but what made him think he'd be able to do it? Knowing his luck, he was bound to have a panic attack right in the middle of the exchange. Someone would touch him again looking for wires or they'd point a gun to Vict's head.

If someone held a gun to his boyfriend's head then there'd be nothing he could do. He'd have to tell them the truth, that the flashdrive was fake and the meeting a trap. He'd surrender himself as well, pleading for Vict's life knowing full well any begging would just be in vain. Just like it had happened at the parking lot, Vict would be taken away again right under his nose, or maybe even killed. He was going to get his boyfriend killed because he just wasn't good enough to save him.

Alex's mind was spiraling and through all his inner turmoil, the others kept to their tasks.

The blond was standing next to Ben and Eagle, leaning his hands on the table as they studied Eagles's notes and by the time he realized he was actually having a panic attack, it was also the time he realized he wasn't breathing.

He tried to take a full breath but his lungs weren't working, refusing to expand under command. He tried once again but no air made its way in. His nostrils flared at the third try and his eyes went wide when the result was the same.

How long ago had he stopped breathing? This didn't feel like a normal panic attack. Usually he got dizzy with hyperventilation, not lack of it.

What's happening?!

He glanced up, sure someone had already noticed he was practically dying right there but everyone was busy and focused on something else. Ian was sitting in front of the computer typing furiously at it. Ben and Eagle were still talking, pointing at things written on the papers and sometimes writing new stuff down. They were all oblivious to his distress. Thinking, talking, breathing. Alex couldn't breathe!

He tried again to expand his lungs only to be met with the same result. Lack of air was starting to get to him and the strain made black dots appear on his vision. He felt like he was drowing and he couldn't even shout out to someone for help because when he opened his mouth to talk, no sound came out.

He had to do something though.

He managed to lift a trembling hand and reach for Ben's arm, glad he was the one inmediately next to him. His grip fumbled until he finally latched into a forearm with bruising force and felt his fingers digging into flesh.

"Alex?" Ben asked finally taking notice of his desperate state. He still wasn't breathing.

The blond tried to speak again but, just like his lungs, his voice failed him, his body apparently acting out against him. He locked desperate eyes on Ben and brought his free hand to his chest, pulling at his t-shirt and shaking his head in the hopes the older man would understand his meaning.

I can't breathe!

He stumbled back when Ben straightened away from the table to face him. His brother tried to catch him but Alex doubled over until he felt his body hit the floor, dragging Ben down with him.

He heard the other men scurrying over but Ben held up a hand to stop them before focusing back on him.

"Alex, listen to me. You're okay. You're safe"

The blond shook his head. This wasn't a normal panic attack so it wasn't even about him not being able to breathe, it was about Vict getting killed and him not being good enough to prevent it.

He managed a growl when the drowning sensation began to reach its peak and almost blacked out when Ben shook his shoulders hard enough to rattle his brain.

"Alex!"

Finally something clicked and Alex gasped sharply, excitedly feeling the rush that accompanied his first breath before his chest got stuck again on the next one. He coughed and gasped again. The oxygen that made it into his lungs just wasn't enough.

"Can't… I can't…" he continued to clutch at Ben's forearm, now banging on his upper arm because air just wasn't enough! He needed something else to breathe, he needed someone else to be able to breathe properly again but that wasn't going to happen any time soon because he was useless, completely and utterly useless!

"Yes, you can. You can breathe Alex, you just have to do it" the blond kept gasping and shaking his head.

"It won't work… It's not gonna work… None of it… Ben, I… I can't breathe!"

If he hadn't been panicking so hard, he might have been able to notice that he was talking because he was, in fact, breathing. But his brain had latched onto only a few thoughts that kept fueling his panicked state. I'm useless. I can't breathe. I'm useless. I can't breathe.

Ben put a hand on his cheek and held his face closer to his, forcing Alex to look into his eyes.

"Don't think about that. Think about something else. Remember your words?" the blond nodded. The words were etched into his memory, branded there through repetition after every single attack he'd had to endure for the past three years "Come on, say them with me. You're fine"

"I'm f-f-fine"

"You're fine" Alex screwed his eyes shut and wheezed in another breath.

"I'm fine"

"You have two arms and you have two legs" the words flowed out of his mouth almost automatically, repeating the statements Ben had also learned by heart "You can talk, you can walk. You're fine"

"I'm fine" he finished and was glad to notice he'd managed a deep full breath in the process.

His breathing wasn't completely back to normal yet but at least he didn't feel like he was drowing anymore. His heart rate was also beginning to slow down.

He opened his eyes and slumped forward into Ben with relief, taking as many deep breaths as he could. The other man held him somewhat upright and let out his own sigh of relief.

"Are you okay?" it was Ian who asked, having taken a few tentative steps closer to them. Alex glanced up and nodded curtly suddenly remembering they weren't alone. Embarrassed, he hurried to try and stand up. He didn't get far though.

Ben had to help him off the floor and into the couch where he at least managed to stay sitting upright. He kept his gaze away from the other occupants of the room and only met eyes with Ben for a moment after running a hand up and down his face.

"I'm sorry" he muttered. He felt guilty for interrupting their tasks when he was perfectly aware there was no time to lose

"It's okay" Ben reassured him, ruffling his hair in such an embarrasingly older brother manner that Alex had to spat his hand away just out of principle "I think we could all use a break" if they had been alone though, the gesture would've been comforting.

"We don't have time for a break" the blond argued.

"Alex, you've been awake for over 24 hours. I think some rest is in order"

"I don't-"

"You're not any good to Vict if you're exhausted"

"We don't have time!"

"You need-"

"Who's hungry?" Eagle chirped in, efectively difusing what would probably develope into a full blown argument "It's already past lunch time. You can rest some while we go out to buy something for all of us. Unless you're in the mood for cooking?" he finished adressing Ian with the last part. The other man shrugged.

"Fine by me"

Alex didn't have much choice but to accept.

Ian went back to work though while Ben and Eagle walked to the door, Alex following suit.

"Where are you going?" Ben asked coming to a halt.

"With you"

"No, you're not. You're staying here to rest" he was expecting as much but that didn't stop him from staring daggers at his brother after glancing at Ian as if silently asking Are you seriously gonna leave me alone with him?

Yes, it's about time you two talked.

Great.

Alex's inner conversation hadn't played out in his favor.

"We'll be back soon" Ben said before closing the door.

Alex was left to stand awkwardly in the middle of the living room listening to Ian's rapidly typing fingers. He looked so calm and collected, so focused on his work that Alex was transported back to all the times he'd found Ian working on some thing or another on the few ocasions the man wasn't locked in his study. It's just boring stuff from the Bank. Then, Alex had never had a reason not to believe him.

The blond only realized he was staring when the other man lifted his head to meet his eyes.

"I'll have this ready in a couple of hours. If you want to sleep some-"

"Do you have any coffee?" he interrupted, already making his way to the kitchen without waiting for a reply "I'm gonna make some coffee"

He was glad to have something to do away from his uncle, not sure he wanted to delve into any more serious matters for the time being, but it wasn't long before the sound of a chair dragging over the floor reached him.

Once in the kitchen he kept himself busy, searching cupboard after cupboard until he found what he needed.

"You've never liked coffee" his uncle said upon entering the room. Alex didn't need to be reminded of what he already knew, but he also didn't deny the statement. In fact, he didn't say anything back, keeping to his task until he found an already started pack of ground coffee. His hands still trembled slightly while he filled the coffee maker with water "Maybe you shouldn't be having caffeine right now"

Of course, Ian being Ian, he noticed.

"I need to stay awake" he replied evenly, dropping two spoonfuls of the brown powder into the machine. On some level, he understood he couldn't keep on going without sleep until they found Vict, but he also couldn't bring himself to do so comfortably knowing his boyfriend was out there probably freaked out of his mind and definitely not comfortable enough to rest. And even if he tried, he knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep, his mind just way too preoccupied to shut down. Last night had been proof of that, not managing even one decent hour of sleep before nightmares kept him mercilessly awake.

"Does that happen often?" his uncle's voice brought his attention back and he was puzzled for a moment before realizing what he'd meant. His panic attack.

"Whatever Ben told you, I'm sure he was exaggerating" probably not, he thought to himself. When Ian didn't reply inmediately, Alex took his eyes off the dripping in the coffee machine to see the man lift his eyebrows, calling him out on his dismissive answer. Alex sighed "Sometimes, yes. But not so much anymore"

"So this boy..."

"I don't want to hear it so save it. You don't get to be okay with it or not be okay with it. I couldn't care less" the blond snapped, completely disregarding the fact he shouldn't be antagonizing the person that would help him save Vict's life.

"... I was just wondering when it happened. I remember there was a girl at your school? I thought you two would end up together"

"Almost did. Then shit happened and... I'm just like this, okay?"

"Okay" was it too much to ask for him to just drop the matter? "How long have you two been together? You and… Victor, right?"

"Yes" he confirmed with an annoyed exhale "A year and a half, almost two" somehow discussing his personal life with his therapist was way less uncomfortable than doing it with his uncle. Before the man could ask any more details about his relationship, Alex changed the topic "So whose house is this?"

"Someone who's on vacation" so not a reantal place, he should've guessed. MI6 always found a way to make even the smallest of situations work in their favor.

"That's convinient" in the amount of time it took his uncle to answer, Alex had time to appreciate how slowly coffee brewed. He would focus on anything as long as it let him control his rising temper.

"You didn't have to move that far away, you know?"

"It's not like I had anything left in London" I must not hit the man, do not hit the man "You know what they did with our house? They sold it. Gave it to someone else. Or maybe it's another agent living there now, using it as part of an undercover operation"

"Al-"

"Was this what you wanted all along, us working together? That's why you trained me right?"

"I wanted you to be ready for life, but this was supposed to be your choice" Alex laughed bitterly. He began opening cupboards again until he found the one holding glasses and cups. He took one for himself.

"My choice… they never gave us a choice and Jack…" he trailed off, not really able to handle two heavily emotional matters at once.

"About what happened to her-"

"I don't want to hear it"

"She was supposed to be safe"

"Was she? You brought her into our lives and she died- no, she was killed because of it"

"I realize that must have been quite a trauma" the blond rolled his eyes.

"Again with the psychological talk. It doesn't suit you Ian. Just admit you didn't think of the consequences, or maybe you just didn't care. Do you have any idea what that life did to me? And don't say you've read about it" he added before Ian could actually use that as an answer.

"I admit things didn't go according to plan"

And that must have been the understatement of the century.

Silence followed Ian's last comment. Alex was too impatient to wait for the whole coffee pot to be ready, so he took it out, mindless of the dark dropplets continuing to fall and emptied whatever was on it into his cup.

After getting the pot back into place, he reached for the fridge, fussing silently because he'd forgotten to check if there actually was milk before making the coffee. Thankfully there was.

Now all he needed was sugar. Lots and lots of sugar.

"You could've just given me up" he said suddenly, his voice just slightly calmer than before "Put me up for adoption when my parents died and your prestigious spy life wouldn't have been affected. I could have been normal"

"You are normal Alex" Ian replied making Alex let out a bitter laugh. He supposed only an MI6 agent would consider being paranoid, distrusful, lonely and angsty by the time you're fourteen something normal. "And I could've never given you away like that"

"You had no problem doing it later"

"There's a reason-"

"I know your reason!" the blond interrupted with a yell, banging his coffee cup on the counter, barely managing to avoid the splashing liquid "You chose your fucking country over your family. Over me! You were the only one I had, you and Jack. And I tried to avenge your death and I tried to make you proud but I got myself so deep into it that I couldn't get out until she died! It's your fault I'm like this! Your fault!" he stopped to take in a hopefully calming breath. He was letting out things he'd buried deep inside for the past six years and to finally have someone to tell them to, it was making it hard to keep a lid on them. With a calmer voice though, he added "You haven't even apologized Ian"

"I was recruited into this life pretty early on too" his uncle said, completely disregarding his last words. Alex stared expectantly at him, waiting to hear what sounded like yet another excuse "All I've ever known how to do is this. It's my duty to serve the country and I can't turn away from that" and didn't that sound like something Crawley had already told him? Or like the time he and Ben had talked about duty and patriotism?

"Well fuck all that! Fuck the country, fuck duty and fuck you!" ignoring completely his so far untouched coffee, which was the reason he'd come into the kitchen in the first place, Alex stormed out of the place. Or at least he tried to, but Ian grabbed his upper arm to prevent him from leaving. Alex reacted on instinct, turning around and trying to pull his arm away but the look on his uncle's face stopped him from doing anything more physical than that, like send a fist flying his way.

What he saw was something he'd only seen genuinely a few times in his life, something that so far today hadn't been shown at all. Emotion.

"It's true. I could've given you up. I never planned on having any other responsabilities outside my job, but when John died... He was my brother, the only thing still connecting me to the normal world even though he was an agent too. He was just the kind of man who knew how to balance it all: love, family and work. This kind of work. So when you got thrusted into my arms, I couldn't even think about giving you away. You were the tether to my brother. My tether to real life"

It was a surprise for Alex to hear Ian talking about his father, a subject that was almost forbidden when they lived together. Still, as impressive as it was for his uncle to spurt out such a confession, Alex just wasn't ready to accept it or forgive him for how his life had turned out to be.

With an almost resigned step back, he pulled his arm free and locked eyes with his uncle once more before leaving.

"I guess the tether wasn't strong enough then"

Ian let him go and Alex went looking for a bedroom where he could wait until his brother and Eagle returned. He made sure to keep his phone on himself in case a call came through and set himself to try and organize again his priorities, which kept running around in his head like a hurracaine of thoughts.

Save Vict's like. Deal with Ian. Not panic. Keep breathing. Get Vict back. Don't hit Ian. Don't cry. Find his boyfriend. Save his relationship. Stay strong. Rest. Stay awake. Ignore Ian. Talk to Ben. Keep going.

Keep going.

He needed to keep going.

He couldn't afford to panic again. He wouldn't. Not until he got Vict back. His boyfriend needed him alert and focused, so he couldn't afford to fall for distractions. He'd deal with the Ian situation later. He'd already said what he needed to say. From now on, his uncle would just be a means to an end.

At least that's what Alex told himself so he'd be able to carry on with the mission without any more stress than necessary.

Right now the only and most important thing was Vict. Just Vict.

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There you have it, that was it. Like I said, I did not like this chapter at all but I just had to get it out or I would get stuck and the story would never go on.

What I'm actually excited about is that the reunion between our babies is getting near my friends, so stay tuned and bare with me for a few more chapters.

Thank you, as always, for all your support and make sure to check the new collection of one shots I started for scenes starring Alex and Vict. Remember to send your requests so I can come up with a one shot to comply.

Anyway, I'm going to work now… I hope I don't take so long posting the next chapter!