I was totally not expecting to finish this today. I don't know what came over me but I managed to write this in one single afternoon. I guess I couldn't live with you guys hanging from a cliff.
I hope things make sense in this chapter because I wrote it in some sort of emotional high. I used it to vent some of my on pent up emotions and I can only hope it turned out fine.
You have no idea the amount of angst in this chapter, like, this might be the angstiest thing I've ever written (and this is the Alex from my stories we're talking about… he tends to be rather angsty). So, I guess if you guys need a warning for that, then this is it.
WARNINGS: this chapter contains mentions of self harm and a lot (A LOT) of swearing. And the angst. Hope you don't mind.
Thanks for your response to the previous chapter. I hope to hear from your guys again after this one!
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Chapter 15: A fleeting thought?
"I told my brother this isn't going to work"
The woman in front of him didn't seem to take offense at his words, merely nodding her understanding and playing with the pencil in her hand. "Why do you think that?"
"Because I don't know how to talk"
"You're talking fine just now"
"I meant express myself. I'm rather bad at it"
"There's no right or wrong way to express yourself. Even not saying anything at all is an expression of sorts" why had he ever agreed to see a therapist? Lately, voicing his thoughts often meant an emotional breakdown of some kind and he didn't feel like having one in front of a stranger.
"If that's true and I don't really have an expression problem then there's no reason for me being here"
"Your brother doesn't seem to think so"
Of course. "My brother tends to overreact sometimes"
"So the incident a couple of weeks ago was an overreaction on his part?"
"I don't want to talk about that"
"I had the impression that was the whole point of you coming here today. Mind to walk me through what happened? In your own words, however many or few" the blond sighed with annoyance and shifted uncomfortably on the chair. He could play this two different ways: dragging the minutes like he'd been doing so far during the session or spitting out what the woman wanted to know so he could get it over with and appease Ben's overprotective tendencies. He went with the latter.
"I ran away for a little bit, not even a full day. Like I said, Ben tends to overreact" the woman remained quiet as if she knew there was more to the story than just that. Her silence screamed at him to go on. "I lost track of time. Stayed out too late. The night was cold and I was underdressed. For a moment I thought it'd be a good idea if a froze to death and somehow my brother thinks I want to kill myself because of that" there, he'd said it: precise and to the point. It wasn't that big of a deal anyway.
"What would you say upsets you the most about that?"
Alex surprised himself with his answer. It wasn't even the thought of dying, it was what happened after, what continued to be happening every day since that night. "The constant vigilance? He doesn't take his eyes off me all day"
"Have you told him that?"
"No"
Alex didn't need to be a psychologist to know what she would ask then. "Why not?"
He merely shrugged his shoulders. Maybe because it was embarrassing as hell to talk about something like that? Maybe because he was tired of breaking down in front of the older man?
"Could it be that you're silently relieved that someone's watching over you so you don't get those urges again? Or to intervene in case that you do?"
He shook his head. "But it wasn't an urge"
"How would you describe it then?"
"A fleeting thought?"
"And since those days-"
"One day. It was one day"
"...have you had any more fleeting thoughts?"
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The present came rushing back to Alex in a mixture of colors and noise. The people around him moving as if in slow motion and the buzzing in his ears taking forever to clear out.
The weight of the weapon pressing into his temple felt oppressive and inminent. His finger on the trigger twitching dangerously with fear.
What the hell was he doing?
Eventually his mind was able to focus on all the shouting going on around him and he lifted his gaze from the floor to stare at Villanueva.
"Alex what the hell are you doing!?" his thoughts exactly. The blond was mildly surprised by Vict's yell. The other boy had been quiet for so long that Alex could almost pretend he wasn't there to witness such a dark moment. But he couldn't fool himself, Vict had seen everything. Now Vict knew everything and he'd be lucky if the other boy ever forgave him enough to not hate him, let alone speak to him again.
Alex kept his eyes on the man. He hoped his gaze came out as defiant but he probably looked terrified by his own actions. But terrified or not, he forced himself to talk. "Kill one and the others walk away" he quoted though he was painfully aware those hadn't been Villanueva's exact words. The man tilded his head in puzzlement.
"Not exactly what a nobody would do..."
"Alex listen to me. Listen!" Ben was fighting now against two people holding him down, unaware or uncaring about the weapons trained his way. "Put the gun down. This isn't the way"
He was completely ignored. "You said someone had to die today and that I had to choose. This is what I choose" he gave the gun a little shake as if to emphasize his point.
"The numbers don't add up for me" Alex had feared the man wouldn't accept the turn of events, but he wouldn't give up until everyone else was out of harm's way.
"I was the one who tried to play you. You wanted to punish me so let me be the one to die and let everyone else go"
But Ben didn't stay quiet and he shouted insult after insult towards Villanueva probably in an attempt to bring the punishment away from Alex and into himself. "Ben, stop"
His brother turned his attention back on him.
"Alex. Alex. Cub! You can't do this. Choose one of us. Choose me if you have to but drop the fucking gun! Alex!"
The blond snapped. "Stop! Stop it. Stop talking!" His hand wasn't just trembling now, it was full on shaking.
"Alexander, listen to him" oh he did not just go there. Alex glared at Ian and at his completely calm demeanor. "This isn't the way"
"It's the only fucking way!"
Somewhere at the back of his mind it registered that his five minutes had already expired but, for some reason, Villanueva was letting this new development play out. Whether he was amused or intrigued by it, he didn't know.
But Alex was waiting for the man, was waiting for him to either approve or deny his request. The moment he said yes, Alex would pull the trigger and it would all come to an end.
It would all end.
Alex's breath hitched.
It was all gonna end. This was it. He wouldn't live past his 20 years. He was gonna die today and he'd never get to know if the boy who'd rocked his world would ever forgive him or even remember him. He was gonna die and his brother was gonna be left alone to deal with the loss on his own.
This was the end. All he'd managed to survive, all he'd managed to heal. It would all be for nothing because he had a finger on the trigger and his own death warrant hanging over his head.
He couldn't breathe.
Just say yes damn it!
In the midst if his panic he must have mumbled something because Villanueva leaned closer. "Come again?"
"Say yes" the blond whispered just a tiny bit louder, the air in his lungs not enough to produce any other sound, "Say yes and let's end this. You get... you get your drive... and... and I... I die. My punishment... I die"
"Let me go! Let me go to him damn it!" Ben was fighting tooth and nails now to get free. He was probably the only one who could've grasped exactly how extreme his panic was right now. The blond was trying to keep it from showing, to keep his eyes from widening too much or his breathing to come out too fast. But in trying to stop his chest from heaving he was failing to even take a single breath. He wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer. As it was, he wasn't even sure he'd have the necessary strength to pull on the trigger.
By some miracle, Ben managed to break free and reached him in only two strides. Villanueva motioned for his men to stay put and so Ben was allowed to stand next to him, his hands held up as if he was approaching a spooked animal.
Alex flinched when his brother went to touch him and so he quickly withdrew his hand.
"Cub"
"Don't- don't call me that" he was trying so hard not to wheeze.
"Give me the gun"
But Alex shook his head and took a step back. "I can't"
"Yes, you can. And you will. Look at me Alex. You will give me the gun. Let me take care of this"
"What will... you do?"
"I'll take care of it. That's what I do, I take care of you"
"No time. I won't choose. He can't die"
"You don't have to do it. I'll choose"
Alex startled at the words and lost control of his tightly restrained breathing. He gasped once and couldn't stop gasping ever since. "You can't. Can't. Not you. Ben. Please. I can't. I'm done. I'm done! I don't... my choice... I want... I..."
Ben was finally able to put a hand on his shoulder if only because Alex was so out of it at this point that he hadn't even noticed until the hand squeezed his shoulder tightly.
"Trust me. Give me the gun. Trust me"
Something in Ben's tone made him stop enough to actually think and take in a full breath. Trusting Ben was so ingrained in his being that he began to unconsciously lower the gun, his eyes locked on his brother's intense gaze. Then the older man whispered and suddenly everything made sense. "Remember Plan A?"
Eagle!
Alex could breathe again.
Villanueva's men raised their weapons towards them when Alex placed the gun in Ben outstretched hand, his own hand almost cramping by the time he forced his fingers to let go of the weapon.
"I'll do it for him" Ben announced letting Villanueva know in no uncertain terms that Alex was to be left out of that choice.
For a moment there Alex feared he'd missunderstood Ben or that the other man had just been running his mouth in hopes to get Alex to let go of the gun and that the next thing he'd see would be Ben training the gun on himself to finish the job Alex couldn't. But the gun stayed pointed downwards and Alex recognized the beginnings of a fighting posture in his brother's body.
Villanueva shrugged.
"As long as someone dies today"
"Good to know" and then he brought his free hand up curled into a fist seconds before a shot rang out and all hell broke loose.
Alex barely had a second to register that the man holding Vict, BlackJacket, fell back as if pushed by an invisible force before he felt himself crashing hard into the ground as well.
Ben had pushed him out of the way and used his single bullet to clip Villanueva on the leg. The man went down with a pained growl.
Ian had also sprung into action, silently and efficiently, coming up from his kneeling position swinging and kicking. It wasn't long before he got his hands into a weapon as well.
Ben dropped down next to him. "Go get Victor. Alex! Take Vict and go!"
Apparently the blond took too long to respond because Ben roughly manhandled him into a crouch and pushed him in the right direction. Alex found his own footing after that.
He found Vict crawling away from BalckJacket's dead body, his own breathing fast and hard. A splatter of thick red blood staining the right side of his face and neck.
Alex didn't even slow down. "Let's go!"
He took his boyfriend's hand and janked him to his feet, putting himself between him and the renewed battle around them. They made their way hurriedly to what would surely be a desk in the future and crouched behind it long enough to catch their breaths before continuing to move forward.
Alex didn't waste time with words. Mainly because he didn't think he could spare any breath to produce them, so he settled for doing a quick visual check up, making sure Vict didn't have any incapacitating wounds. Once he was sure, he got them running once more.
The door was closer now and Alex could appreciate the cover fire Ian was providing for them somewhere to his left but he didn't spare a single second focusing on anything other than getting. Vict. Out. Now. That thought the only thing driving him forward at this point.
Then a shadow fell upon him and he couldn't avoid crashing into the wall before landing on the floor under the man's weight, his meaty hands going around his throat for the kill. But Alex's body was weak, whether from exhaustion, residual panic or shock from what he'd been about to do, and he couldn't for the life of him find a good grip to dislodge the man away.
He didn't have to.
With a raged cry Vict brough both hands interlocked in a single fist down into the man's back with enough strenght to make the man let go of Alex and stagger back to his feet. But he did manage to stand up and turn around, a fist raised and poised to attack.
"Duck!"
Vict did.
"Upper jab!"
He connected under the jaw.
"Right hook!"
The man went down and stayed down.
Vict jumped away from him. "Holy shit! Did you see that? Did you?"
"Let's go"
Alex took his hand again once he was back on his feet and they were finally , fucking finally!, out the door.
Alex came to a sudden halt when the light of a flashlight shone directly into his eyes and he reacted instictively, shoving Vict behind him and blindinly going for this new attacker's weapon. The light was removed from his face but dots still clouded his vision against the darkness of the night. He was forced back into the side wall of the building even though he kept struggling to keep the man away from Vict.
"Calm down! We're here with agent Rider" a harsh voice spat on his face and when Alex's vision finally cleared, he saw the man, in fact several men, wearing tactical uniforms. The man holding both him and Vict secure against the wall silently signaled his men to continue on their way and breach the building.
Alex and Vict were led away.
"Cub!" Eagle came out then from the shadows of the building holding a long distance sniper rifle in his hands "It's okay. They just showed up. I think they work with your uncle"
But that couldn't have been possible because his uncle only worked in one place and if these people were here with his uncle, then that meant-
"Rider"
A voice seemed to come out of the shadows somewhere ahead of them and that's when Alex noticed the SUV parked behind the assault team's vehicle.
Crawley.
Fucking Crawley!?
Rage filled him then.
"What the hell are you doing here!?"
The man's passive expression didn't even twitch once. "Settle down Rider. The mission's not over yet"
"What mission!"
Crawley eyed him for a moment before his eyes went back to guarding the entrance of the building where Alex could hear shouting and the explotion of one or maybe two stun grenades. "You'll be debriefed once the device is recovered"
"Don't talk to me like I was one of your agents" the blond spat, his brain refusing to cooperate and give some kind of meaning to Crawley's words. But the man ignored his comment, though he finally turned enough to meet his eyes.
"You did well Rider"
Arrggh!
With a sudden bout of energy and a yell of frustration, Alex lunged forward and threw himself at the other man.
"Woah!" Eagle let his riffle hang from the shoulder strap and raised his hands in surrender when a gun was pointed at him after he'd tried to intercept the soldier keeping Alex from reaching the MI6 agent.
The blond had to be held back by two people now because he was intent on causing some harm.
The soldiers surrounding Crawley had been too fast and Alex was dissappointed that he couldn't so much a scratch the bastard.
"I'm not your agent! This wasn't my mission! There was no mission!"
"Hey, there's no need for that" Alex didn't need to wait long to know the meaning behind Eagle's comment because rather roughly his hands were forced behind his back and a zip tie fastened around his wrists.
"What the hell is this? Get off me!"
"Until you calm the fuck down kid, stay down" the soldier pushed him until he was sitting on the ground with his back against the vehicle.
Alex twisted his hands, testing the restraints around his wrists and gasping when the material bit into his skin sharply enough to break it. He didn't stop struggling though, finding some sort of grounding in the painful action.
Sometime during all this, Eagle had taken Vict and guided him some steps away from the commotion.
Good. He didn't think he'd be able to stand the look on the other boy's face right now.
Instead, Alex kept his murderous gaze turned on Crawley who had his back to him now, the man's focus entirely on the building.
Since the moment Ian had handed the real flash drive to Villanueva, Alex had suspected. The tiniest bit of understanding crawling its way into his brain.
This had all been indeed a mission. He didn't know how and he didn't know exactly when but Alex had managed to let himself be tricked into yet another mission for them. MI6. The bastards who just wouldn't quit.
While he pondered on that fact, the blond began to obsessively drive the heel of his left foot nervously into the ground.
He'd failed. He'd failed to keep MI6 out of his life. He'd been stupid enough to believe that that could ever happen, that they would finally let him go.
You're too good Alex.
You have a unique skillset Alex.
You're a spy Alex.
You're an agent, Rider.
Alex gasped when a particularly hard twist of his hands sent a sharp pain shooting up his arm but he wouldn't stop now.
His thoughts were spiraling and his heart was beating wildly and his head was hitting the car behind him again and again and again and damn it he was panicking again!
And then he made the mistake of glancing Vict's way. The other boy was staring at him while Eagle talked to him, his expression openly readable.
Alex was sure the other boy was looking at him with hate in his eyes. With distrust for the lying prick that he'd been. With fear for the things he'd seen him do tonight. With disgust for the panicking mess he was right now.
The blond dropped his head and looked away, a wave of embarrassment, of shame, making his skin feel feverish and driving his body to a slumped stop. All the nervous movement drained out of him.
Vict would never forgive him.
It was all over.
He'd managed to lose him in the end.
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There you have it. Boy was this heavy to right!
Was it at all what you were expecting? I'd love to read your thoughts on the chapter.
I have to admit I'm a fan of Eagle's dramatic entrances. He was the ultimate Plan: an overwatch to have their back on the field.
Now we'll get to see the consequences of what went down inside that building. Alex dealing with what he almost did… Vict dealing with everything he'd gone through in the past few chapters… Ben dealing with Alex.
Stay tuned! And healthy! See you next time!