Between all things is terrifying space. He is not terrified of her warm breath on his cheek or the insistent tickle of her nipples against his chest. He is scared of what lies between them, what always remains unsaid.
In the morning there was soft light filtering through the precinct windows,somehow hopeful in the early spring. The sun felt warm and welcome and all around there was the hope first flowers bring.
Then came two little girls, two little broken hearts found in a trash dump, still wearing their pink nighties and clutching tattered security blankets. They could have been sleeping.
Now things swung around. Maybe he knew it was inevitable - how long can you hold on? Things like seasons change. The pendulum tipped in their direction.
Elliot's only prayer is a quiet one of supplication; searching for the strength not to hurt her.
A bead of sweat forms on Olivia's forehead. Her eyes are screwed shut. Part of him wishes she'd open them, just because he wants to remember her eyes.
He's scared soon there will be nothing between them at all.
When Elliot closes his, all he could see is those little girls. All their innocence gone. He'd wiped the dirt from their faces. Then he turned to look at Olivia.
Her eyes were black like coal. At first it seemed a fluke of the light but they seemed to stay that way for the rest of the day. It made a cold finger touch his heart - a bolt like blue, deep sorrow. The light was dying around them but still her eyes stayed dark.
He came around the corner and found her crying at his locker. Olivia didn't hear him. Instead, she had her forehead against the cool steel, tears intermingling with the dried blood his fists had embedded into the paint. Elliot turned and left quietly. He didn't want to know why she'd broken down. Deep inside he was a coward. She made him a coward.
Now Olivia shifts slightly beneath him and puts a warm hand on his bare side. It will take years for him to get used to the different breath on his shoulder.
It was raining when she showed up at his door. Olivia was soaked. He couldn't tell if she was still crying.
Neither of them said a word. The lightning and thunder echoed in his head. The porch light gave Olivia a strange luminescence. She started to say something but stopped. Something stopped her, but she looked into his eyes. Oh God, Elliot thought. It's time.
For years he wondered when the moment would happen. That spark they shared would combust. Maybe they were never ready at the right time. Elliot feared the day she'd bring another man in, that she'd fall in love with someone else after all. It would tear his fragile heart to pieces.
Coward.
But this night, on this porch, Elliot wasn't a coward. He turned toward her and put his palm on her damp cheek. Olivia didn't back up. She was shivering in the warm air. The space between them turned electric - all their fear and lust shimmered like the heat lightning erupting across the sky.
He brushed a tear from her cheek.
His lips touched hers softly.
His eyes closed when she moaned and her back arched.
Now they are poised at the very edge, knowing what lies next but not able to put their fears into words.
A crack of thunder brings Elliot back to the present. Olivia's hand is soft on his stubbly cheek. "Elliot", she whispers. Her eyes are open now. The strain comes back and he shivers, feeling goosebumps rise.
He thrusts forward and finally closes the void.