Hi there! I would've liked to make this chapter longer but I didn't want to push it since I think it's heavy enough as it is.

As promised: Vict's in this one! Let's see how he's really dealing with the aftermath of his kidnapping considering Alex is sort of unavailable at the moment. By the way, fear not, things are gonna start looking up for Alex soon enough. We just have to get all the angst out of their systems first.

Happy reading!

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Chapter 17: I find it helps to talk

Victor was staring at the mirror over the bathroom sink.

His eyes, tired and red rimmed, were taking in every drop of blood that colored the entire right side of his face and ran all the way down his neck until they stained the collar of his shirt.

Without much effort, he could still feel the weight of Marcus' body dragging him down and if he closed his eyes, he could see the blank dead gaze staring straight back at him.

He shuddered and lifted the t-shirt over his head, gave it a sniff and threw it on the floor. The thing was beyond repair now, not that he'd want to wash it and hold on to it. He would burn it if he actually thought the fire would burn away the memories as well.

There had been so many dead bodies, and so much gunfire. Victor had to physically shake his head to keep the images at bay.

While he undressed, his body complained about the strain of the last couple of days. The tumble down the stairs had left him a fair share of bruises and an uncomfortable twinge on the knee.

He was also in desperate need of a shower. He hadn't taken one since the day he'd left the hospital and he longed for the hot spray to wash away both the dried blood on his face and the aches of his body.

He stood unmoving under the running water for the first ten or fifteen minutes, just enjoying the steamy atmosphere around him and he moved some time later to grab the bottle of shampoo out of sheer force of will. He would stay there forever if he could.

The knuckles of his right hand stung while he washed his hair and only too late did he remember he wasn't supposed to get the recently desinfected wound on his forehead wet. So much had happened since the car crash that his head had been the least of his worries.

Keep the wound dry. I'm pretty sure I've taken the stitches off out of time but one of them had popped anyway. It should be fine.

With a shrugg, Vict figured that getting it wet just this once wouldn't be the death of him.

One of the agents that had brought them home had offered to check him out and clean the cut but had ended up removing the stitches in a painful yet quick process. Victor hadn't thanked him.

In fact, he had barely said a word during his 'debriefing' beyond the answers he was forced to give concerning Alex and the whole mess with Carlos Villanueva. They mostly just asked about Alex. About how much he knew of his past.

I don't know anything.

You must know something by now.

Just that he was a spy. I really don't know anything else.

They swore him to secrecy anyway.

The agents had moved on to interrogating Eagle who had been made to wait inside his room while the agents talked to Victor to prevent a biased interrogation.

After that, Victor had locked himself in the bathroom for the duration of their stay and only considered showering when he heard the front door open and close behind the agents.

Now, almost an hour later, he was lamenting the loss of the comforting warm after turning the water off and stepping out of the slippery shower. He'd been meaning to buy a new anti-slip mat since the previous one had lost its grip but the task kept being put aside under the pretense of lack of time. In reality he was just too lazy to remember to buy one.

It took him another half hour to get dressed in a semi decent pair of sleep clothes before he felt ready to talk to someone again. He had an uninvited guest in the livingroom after all.

"Bathroom is yours if you want it" he indicated as he bypassed Eagle on his way to the open little kitchen on the corner. His open apartment was the epitome of privacy with its 60 square feet, if one lived alone. The place just wasn't meant to accomodate anyone else. Except for Alex, who had lately spent more nights there than at his own place, but he didn't want to think about that.

The man in question, Alex's and Ben's friend, had a sort of loud presence to him even when he was silent. It was impossible to miss his aura of self assuredness combined with the gentleness of his eyes. Victor thought his code name was fitting. You wouldn't miss the presence of an Eagle even if it stood in a corner silently analizing its surroundings.

Eagle, the man, not the animal, was certainly like that.

The soldier might have nodded but Victor hadn't spared him a glance, focusing on reaching safely for a glass in the high cupboard with a slightly trembling hand. They had started shaking hours ago but Victor figured there wasn't much he could about it.

What he could do was drink something. And eat, for God's sake, eat! By his calculation, it had been more than 24 hours since the last time his stomach had had anything other than bruises, a lot more, and he was famished. Weirdly sick too, but mostly just famished.

He figured he should make his guest something to eat as well. The man did help rescue him after all.

He wasn't surprised to not hear the shower running since Eagle had nothing else to change into and Victor's clothes would never fit the broad man, so it was only a few minutes later that Eagle came back to the livingroom and took to studying him while leaning over the breakfast counter.

Victor had the impression, according to Alex's stories, that Eagle was an annoying force to be reckoned with. A non stopping, never ending story teller that couldn't sit still for more than five minutes.

He was certainly breaking a record now.

Victor would've asked him what he felt like eating. He was sure there were enough ingredients in the fridge to make something out of the blue if he really put his mind to it, but as it was, he was still holding into the glass he'd just retrieved from the cupboard, his brain unable to give his body the comand to move and fill it with water because that would require to... well, to move and he was finding it hard with how heavy his body felt. He wasn't just physically tired, he was mentally exhausted and yet the very thought of sleep caused the heavy weight of dread to settle in his bones. When was the last time he'd slept? It hadn't been recently. So he was too tired to think, he was too tired to move, and he was even too tired to drink water. He was definitely not making dinner. What time was it anyway? Wasn't it too late for dinner? Was it already the next day? Was it-?

A door bell rang.

Victor inhaled sharply and the glass slipped out of his numb hands to shatter loudly on the floor.

He was falling, falling, falling until he found himself sitting on the floor huddling back until the oven pressed into his back and he wrapped his arms protectively around his knees.

He was forced to open his tightly shut eyes when a shadow fell upon him and a deep voice reached his ears. "It's okay. You're safe here"

Was he? He hadn't been safe before when a group of mercenaries had kidnaoped him from his own home.

"Door bell" he simply said, not caring if he made any sense. At least Eagle didn't look at him as if he'd lost his mind.

"It was the apartment next door. No one's here but us"

Victor nodded his head jerkily but didn't change his hunched position. Eagle didn't either.

He let his head rest between his knees and coached himself into widening and evening his breaths. He hadn't had many panic attaks in his life and the ones he'd had he'd managed to control on his own, for the most part. This was no different.

He'd helped Alex find his way out of plenty of them over the years and he'd always wondered how a person could live with the constant threat of an attack lurking behind every memory. He'd always considered the blond a strong and resilient person since he managed to live his life despite them. Victor didn't think he'd have it in him to be like Alex.

Movement at the corner of his eye had him lifting his head to see Eagle start to pick up the dangerously close glass shards but the man waved him away when he tried to help. "I've got it. Just relax for a minute there"

Victor was anything but relaxed. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that"

"Nonsense. You're the one who now has to buy a new glass so no need to apologize"

Victor could appreciate his attempt at taking the edge off the situation with humor, it's something he himself would've done if the cowering body on the floor wasn't his own.

"I can clean it" he wouldn't be deterred though. This was his kitchen, his glass, his mess, but Eagle gently pushed his hands away.

"Please, let me help"

"I don't need help"

"I think you do"

"It's just glass. I can sweep the shards and throw them away" he was already on his knees but Eagle's arm hovered over the broken glass as if he was protecting the jagged pieces.

"Maybe it's not that easy"

Victor didn't want to think the look on the other man's face was pity. "Why wouldn't it be? It's just glass" but he sat back down anyway, hugging his knees to his chest once more.

"It isn't just the glass"

Victor frowned. What were they talking about again?

"You" Eagle replied, which made Victor realize he'd spoken outloud.

"We are not talking about me"

"I think we should"

Did he now? "I'm fine"

"Then what do you call this?"

Victor thought he meant the broken glass on the floor. "An accident"

"I have another name for it" and when Victor remained silent, Eagle fired his shot "PTSD"

The syllables had such a dark and foreign ring to them that Victor couldn't suppress a laugh.

"I don't have PTSD"

Eagled looked like the denial wasn't unexpected "Do you even know what it is?"

"Post traumatic stress dissorder" Victor nodded, answering mechanically "I don't have PTSD. I can't"

"You think only soldiers who've been to war can have it?" Victor was about to ask just what did he know about it when he caught himself at the last second by remembering Eagle was a soldier and would, in fact, know what he was talking about. Feeling slightly ashamed, Victor dismissed the unsensitive question and opted to divert his gaze while Eagle continued to talk and clean away the broken glass. "PTSD is nothing to feel ashamed of. You've had a rough few days so nobody's expecting you to bounce back from it right away. Being abducted isn't something to take lightly, and these?" he asked, signaling Victor's torn knuckles, "These mean you fought and that's all anyone could have asked of you in a situation like that. You were brave and that's all that matters. You should be proud"

Victor wanted to protest that he didn't feel brave, or proud, but he remained silent, tucking his hand into his chest as if hiding the evidence would make it go away.

Eagle completed his task in silence after that and Victor was thankful the man didn't insist on making him move into the couch or his room. He didn't ask if he still wanted water or if he wanted to do anything other than just sit silently on the kitchen floor where the man took to sit as well. But the silence couldn't last forever and after a while Eagle made a seemingly innocuous comment.

"I find it helps to talk"

Victor let the back of his head rest against the oven, the handle just short of brushing his forehead, and contemplated to notion.

Talk about what?

Getting kidnapped wasn't something that was supposed to happen to him. That was something that happened to unsuspecting little kids that got snatched from the streets, or to new born babies who got taken from the hospital. People got kidnapped in big cities or walking home in the middle of the night after too many drinks at the bar.

People got kidnapped in the movies. Not in real life. At least not him anyway.

Victor hadn't been supposed to get taken away from the safety of his own home in broad daylight. He guessed he could talk about the hard time he was having reconciling with the fact he didn't feel safe in his apartment anymore, the place that was meant to be his refuge against the hardships of his life: losing his mother, living with his uncle, being abused by that uncle.

But instead of accepting Eagle's offer to talk about all of that, he said to the other man, "They made me sign the Official Secrets Act"

"Doesn't mean you can't talk to anyone"

"I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it means"

"There are always exceptions" Eagle said signaling himself.

Victor raised an eyebrow, "You mean you" he stated.

"Or Fox. Cub. Anyone of us is cleared"

"They made you sign too?"

"Pfff! They made us sign that thing years ago. Everyone has to when it comes to Cub"

Victor went silent for a few minutes, deliberating the benefits of laying out all his fears in the open. He couldn't find any.

Instead, he steered the conversation towards something Eagle was sure to talk about for hours. "Why do you call him that?"

If the man noticed the evasion, he didn't call him out on it. "Cub? I mean, look at him. He's like a puppy"

Victor gritted his teeth because he used to think that too.

"I'm not sure he's so harmless" he replied with a note of resentment in his voice.

"Please," Eagle answered with a snort "He wouldn't hurt a fly. Unless the fly was trying to hurt him... or the ones he loves"

"Right... then he becomes a spy"

Victor had to frown at his own pettiness. He thought he'd gotten over the lie the moment Alex had walked into that room with the promise of a rescue, the relief of seeing him outshining the fact he'd been there in the first place because of the blond. Now, still feeling the remnants of his panic attack, he wasn't so sure.

But Alex...

Victor dug his fingers into the skin of his arms. He wanted to go back to how things were a week ago. He wanted the person he fell in love with back. He wanted his Alex back.

"I don't know him anymore" he said with a defeated sigh because, after all, Eagle had managed to engross him into the conversation.

"I wouldn't say that. I think you're the one that knows him better out of the rest of us"

Victor made a disbelieving sound in lieu of denying that statement, which prompted Eagle to keep going.

"The thing is, people think they want the kind of life Cub's had. I mean, what part of 'teenage spy' doesn't sound exciting as hell?" Victor's eyes were glued to the man, desperately hoping to find an answer in his words "And yes, Cub is amazing when it comes down to it. But I've also seen how that life broke him, how much it hurt him. And we weren't even close at the time.

"You have no idea how much he's changed since he met you. The way he used to flinch away from everyone, the brooding silence. Now he's got that spark back. I mean, I knew Cub was funny but I didn't know he could laugh so hard. I didn't know he was into relationships, or guys for that matter. You know a side of him none of us ever saw until you showed up" Victor shifted uncomfortably on the floor, Eagle's words tugging at something inside his chest, "I guessed, underneath his armor, that he was sensitive, but I didn't know he could feel so deeply. Not like the way he feels about you. You're more important to him than you realize and he wouldn't have put himself back on MI6's radar if he didn't love you as much as he does. If anything, don't punish him for loving you enough to keep you away from that life. To protect you from it"

Victor was speechless, his heart logged painfully in his throat.

In the midst of all the guns, blood, secret service agents and official documents, Victor had never thought about it like that.

That Alex lied to him because he loved him?

Now, somehow, Victor could see it. He could see his boyfriend throwing himself into the bullets' path to protect him, the way he'd come to the ransom meeting no questions asked, how he'd put himself in danger by getting kidnapped as well just so he could free him. The way he'd fought to keep him alive.

"How do we get back from this?"

Could they? Go back to the way things were? He wasn't sure.

Eagle tilted his head as if in deep thought before a smile broke in his so far serious face. "Think about it like this: you get to meet him all over again"

But Victor's doubts still lingered in his mind. "I don't want to lose the Alex I know"

"You don't have to. Maybe you'll just gain the one we know"

At the lack of answer, Eagle hoisted himself off the floor. Maybe his body ached from the hard surface or maybe he'd deemed the conversation over, but Victor was quick to snatch one of his arms before he could walk away. "Thanks, Eagle"

Somehow the man hadn't just managed to bring him out of his panic attack, he'd also managed to teach him a life lesson in the process. Eagle smiled kindly back at him.

"It's Stan" he said with a shrug, "Short for Stanley"

"I thought you guys didn't let anyone know your names"

"You're Cub's boyfriend, that makes you almost family in my book"

Victor let him go after that.

He waited all but two minutes before following him into the livingroom where the man had made himself comfortable on the couch. Victor was glad to notice his breathing had gone back to normal and his body didn't feel as weak as before.

He sat on the arm of the couch.

"Have you heard from him?"

"I called Fox while you showered" Eagle said with a nod.

Victor rubbed his hands together anxiously. "How is he? He seemed... out of it, before we left"

The memories of Alex desperately lashing out before going eerily still wasn't something he would forget anytime soon. That type of agitation, the sudden change. It was something he'd never seen from the other boy before.

The other man let out a defeated sigh, which couldn't mean anything good. "Fox didn't say much. He's resting. What Alex did... you know, with the gun" Victor didn't miss the fact he'd called Alex by name and his heart could only thud heavily in response, "Well, it's kind of a touchy subject for them"

It didn't take much for the understanding to turn into a shocked gasp. "Has he-?"

Eagle shook his head. "To my understanding he hasn't. He swears he hasn't but... you saw him today"

"But, that was- It was a ruse, right? He wouldn't have- He was stalling for time, wasn't he? He wasn't going to- He wouldn't!"

"Calm down" Eagle brought his hands up in a placating manner, "He didn't do it. He's alright"

But Victor sprung to his feet. "Is he? I should... I should talk to him. Is he gonna come here? Can I go to Ben's?"

"Easy there. Fox's got him. He knows how to handle him when he gets like this. We should give them some space and they'll work things out. Which reminds me... you don't mind me staying here for the night, do you?"

Victor ran a hand through his mostly dry hair swallowing the urge to make his way to his boyfriend's side. He was gonna have to trust that Alex's brother could deal with the implications of what Eagle had just revealed.

Victor told the soldier he could stay as long as he didn't mind sleeping on the couch and the other man happily accepted. He also clapped his hands together before rubbing them in an excited way.

"So... dinner?"

Victor signaled the kitchen. "Help yourself out" and he made his way into his room.

He flopped himself into the bed, content to eat whatever Eagle could come up with and stared at the ceiling for a while. Then, out of habit, he fumbled a hand over the bedside table. If he couldn't go to Ben's yet, then at least he'd send a message to the other boy telling him he was there if... Victor frowned and propped himself up to search for his elusive cellphone before he remembered the phone had also been kidnapped alongside him and it was probably still somewhere inside that building or inside an evidence bag. He cursed.

He didn't think he was getting it back any time soon.

Awesome, he thought sarcastically and buried his head on the pillows once more, resigned to waiting who knew how long before he could talk to his boyfriend again.

He hoped he didn't have to wait long.

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A few comments:

I don't know if K-unit'snames were ever revealed in the original books. I honestly can't remember, so I came up with the name Stanley for Eagle.

Also, I have no idea how the Official Secrets Act work, so I just had Eagle telling Vict he was allowed to talk about Alex and everything that happened with the people who already knew about Alex's life.

I think that's it. I hope the chapter at least made some sense and was good enough for you to like it. I'm getting more and more comfortable writing from Vict's PoV and I hope the chapter helped us understand a bit more about his character. Vict isn't perfect (as much as Alex and all of us would like him to be), but he's learning and who said relatioships were easy? Dating Alex is sure to be a handful.

I apologize for the long note but sometimes I love my boys so much I just can't help it!

Anyway, next chapter: back to Alex!