I am back people! I'm sorry it took me so long to update but school's finally over so I can spend more time writing.

I want to thank you guys for your reviews on the last chapter. I love getting inside Vict's head and writing things from his PoV. Also, I'll try to pay attention to my writing a bit more and avoid using "gonna, wanna, etc" when not in dialogue. Thanks to the guest who pointed that out to me. I can't promise it'll never slip my proofreaading but I'll do my best.

A bit of a summary of the last couple of chapters: on one hand, Alex had a bit of mental breakdown after their rescue by MI6, Ben stood up to Ian and took Alex home to care for him during his adrenalin crash. On the other hand, Eagle took Vict home and stayed with him so he wouldn't have to deal with things alone while Alex recuperated. Our poor boy had a panic attack but Eagle helped him through it. He also helped him understand the reason behind Alex hiding his past from him and they bonded over their affection towards the blond.

Now, on with the new chapter!

WARNINGS: mentions of suicide, but nothing heavier than it's already been discussed in the fic.

IMPORTANT: make sure to read the author's note at the end of the chapter. It is IMPORTANT people.

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Chapter 18: I'll find my own way home if I have to

Alex opened his eyes grogilly and stared at the blank television until the fog cleared from his mind and the blurriness from his eyes.

His body felt heavy and stiff, as if he'd spent the last 48 hours running a non stop marathon. His mind, however, was incredibly clear.

He recognized his surroundings instantly, zeroing in on the fact it was still nighttime and wondering why Ben had let him nap on the couch instead of herding him towards his room. The man had probably been out of his mind with worry, not that he could blame him, and had preferred not to wake him.

Alex stretched his sore muscles and winced. The bruises from the recent fights blossoming rather quickly.

Then he sat up.

The world tilted on its axis and Alex closed his eyes for as long as the dissorientation lasted. Then he jumped when Ben's voice reached him.

"You're awake! Finally. You need to eat, and drink water. And you should probably move around for a while or you're gonna feel even more stiff. Can you stand up? Do you need help?"

Alex stared at his brother who had just walked into the living room and sighed. Some things would never change, and Ben's overreactions were one of them.

Feeling the call of nature asking him for a bathroom run, Alex got up from the couch and immediately fell down again.

"Wow, wow. Easy there. Try doing that more slowly. You haven't eaten anything in over a day"

Alex frowned when his vision finally cleared and glanced up at Ben who had taken a few steps his way but remained an uncharacteristic yet appreciated distance away.

His voice, when he spoke, was raspy with disuse. "I ate lunch with you" He reminded the older man.

"That was yesterday"

For how clear his mind had been a second ago, it took him some effort to grasp the meaning of those words. "How long was I asleep?"

Ben sat down next to him on the couch. "18 and a half hours"

"What!?"

Alex had enough foresight not to spring to his feet in outrage. I missed a whole day?

"Why the hell didn't you wake me?" Ben shrugged, face completely unapologetic.

"I called Dr. Gwen," great, now Alex's therapist was involved. "She said to let you sleep the events off no matter how long it took. Also called Snake, he agreed"

Alex's heart was hammering. "Awesome! So you told him too?" His voice was dripping with sarcasm and sounding clearer by the second. "I can imagine that conversation going well. Hi there Snake, just calling to say Cub tried to kill himself, should I let him sleep a few more hours?"

"It's not—"

"You figured out where you're gonna send me next? A mental institution? Got to keep me under watch, right? Well, it's not necessary because I wasn't really going to, you know?"

"Alex—"

"Why would I? I knew you had a plan, that Eagle was still somewhere. I knew that, alright? I knew!" Ben tried to get another word in, but the blond was on a tirade, rubbing anxious hands together on his lap and willing his body not to betray him with weakness again because he wanted to get on his feet and start pacing around. He didn't, though. "You didn't have to tell anyone. Now they'll think I'm mental, that I'll need constant vigilance. Well I don't, alright!? I wasn't going to do it. Not really"

"Al, listen…"

"It was a bluff Ben. You familiar with the concept? A bluff. It means a lie. I wasn't going to do it, I swear. I wasn't—"

"IT'S OKAY IF YOU WERE!"

Alex gasped and recoiled away from Ben's sudden yell. Blood was rushing in his ears to the rhythm of his frantically beating heart and he stared at his older brother with a mixture of fear and shock in his eyes. He thought Ben would leave it at that and storm out the room, but instead he grabbed into Alex's shirt and pulled the blond in for a crushing hug.

"It's okay if you thought about it. I don't love you any less for doing so and I don't blame you either"

Alex was hesitant to return the hug. He didn't think he deserved it. He didn't need it anyway, because he wasn't going to…

"I shoul've chosen to save you" he murmured against Ben's chest and the man tightened his hold.

"No, you shouldn't have"

"It was an easy choice. There was no comparison, you have to know that" his voice was urgent and when he finally made his arms circle the other man back, he clung to him like a lifeline. "You have to. I swear to you the choice was easy. Ben, the choice was easy, you have to believe me. But I- I couldn't do it. I don't know why I couldn't do it. In that moment I couldn't choose, that's why I almost—"

He wouldn't say it, not yet. He pulled out of the hug and turned his head away. "I'm sorry I couldn't choose"

Ben took his time to come up with a reply. Maybe his halted confession had rendered him speechless, or maybe he just didn't believe him. Either way, the man was silent for a long minute.

When he spoke though, he made Alex's eyes burn with a mixture of shame and affection.

"I really don't know how to make you understand that none of what happened was your fault, so I'm not going to. I just hope that one day you'll get to see that on your own" Alex squeezed his eyes shut and waited for Ben's weight to lift off the couch. "Instead, I'm going to state a few facts. It's up to you whether you accept them or not"

The words intrigued him enough to turn back around and stare into Ben's eyes. The man hadn't moved an inch from his position and it didn't look like he was going to any time soon. Alex was relieved about that.

"You love me" Ben stated and no matter how uncomfortable everything said after that was, Alex didn't look away. "And you love Ian. You love Victor. If anything, I believe that's the extent of your loving capability right now. You're closed off and you don't let yourself get attached. You don't trust people, you don't even like people" the blond swallowed, wondering where Ben was going with all of this and feeling every word like a painful stab to the heart. "You've been hurt too much by other people in the past and you've been left behind. Yet, still, you chose to be brave enough to let us in and to keep living no matter what. Last night you were threatened with someone taking away everything you love and you felt you had no other choice than to stop living yourself so the rest of us could live. If you ask me, that's the most admirable thing a person could ever do" Alex's heart was lodged in his throat trying to break free of it's painful knot. He couldn't even swallow the hurt away. "I understand what you did and why you did it. I don't think you don't love me enough for not choosing. I think you love all of us too much to choose. If anyone needs to forgive you Alex, it's you. So forgive yourself Alex, because the rest of us already have"

The blond had been obssessively driving a thumb into the palm of his hand but he stopped abruptly when Ben finished his speech.

He didn't know what to say. Part of him wanted to argue, to refute everything his brother had said and carry on feeling guilty and ashamed. That was easier, because it was how he already felt. But another part of him wanted desperately to accept it and be able to move on from it all. If he wasn't in the right state of mind to believe it himself, did he trust Ben enough to blindly accept his truths?

He decided to accept the ones he'd known for a while now. He loved Ben and he loved Victor. He also loved his uncle no matter how messed up their history was.

I love Victor.

He'd never said it out loud. He'd never even said it to himself, but he'd be damned if he didn't acknowledge it now.

He was grateful Ben knew how to interpret his silence, his need to think things over until his mind settled.

"Have you heard from Vict?" he also knew Ben didn't expect him to aknowledge his statements. God blessed the man and how well he knew him.

His brother leaned back against the couch, exhausted. "I talked to him this morning. He kept calling your phone"

"Is he okay? What did you tell him?"

"He sounds fine. I explained some things to him, things he needs to know"

Alex swallowed back a renewed wave of shame. It wasn't like Vict hadn't been there to witness his moment of weakness, but to have him know it was something Ben had been monitoring for years wasn't exactly encouraging.

He nodded in understanding.

"What time is it?"

"It's late, you could use another night of sleep"

"Don't you think I've slept enough?"

Ben turned narrowed eyes his way. "Just give it another night. I'll drive you there tomorrow"

"And what about MI—"

"Another night, Al. Just give it one more night"

The blond conceded defeat.

"Fine"

"So… food?" Alex thought about it for a second before sighing. He was hungry after all.

"Bathroom first, then food"

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Alex hadn't had time to check his phone that night. After dinner, he'd been so drowsy he almost fell asleep on the couch again as if the previous 18 hours hadn't happened at all. Thankfully Ben had forced him towards his room this time.

Now he was staring at the screen, the bright morning light filtering in through the unprotected window and eyes roaming over the call history before settling on his latest message.

*Don't ring the bell when you come over*

He thought it was an odd message for Eagle to send.

True to his promise, Ben explained over breakfast everything that happened during his weird check out from reality at the scene and the hours spent unconscious on the couch. Apparently Ian had also kept his word because MI6 hadn't bothered them at all. He couldn't help wondering how long that would last.

And then they were off to Vict's and Alex was positive his heart was mistaking their destination with a pig slaughter house.

The blond hadn't explicitly asked about it, but according to Ben's words last night, Vict wasn't mad at him. In fact he'd been worried about his well being and pestering Ben for information. Could it be that the other boy had indeed forgiven him?

But even if he had, could Alex let them get back together? If there was something he'd learned over the years it was that he was dangerous, that people around him got hurt in the best of cases and died in the worst.

He tried to keep those thoughts from poisoning his mind, but it's not like he hadn't thought about it since the day Victor got taken. Hell, he'd even thought about it before, in the beginning, when he was hurting Vict by not being able to be with him in every way.

Ben had been right. Alex loved Vict, more than life. So did he love him enough to set him free? To protect him from the dangerous aura that he never seemed to be able to shake off?

He didn't want to. But maybe he had to.

Imagining how life would go on without him, Alex was halfway through rehearsing the speech he would dump on the other boy's front step when a shake of his shoulder brought him back to reality.

"We're here" Alex nodded and reached for the handle. "Do I need to wait for you?" Alex didn't think the conversation with Vict would last long. There was no point in dragging it on, but he could do with some time alone after that.

"No. I'll find my own way home if I have to"

Oh how he wished he didn't have to.

"Good luck. Send the bird brain over here on your way in"

Alex couldn't even laugh at that.

If driving there had felt like going to the slaughter house, then walking up the stairs seemed like standing over a cliff with a foot dangling in the air.

It's the right thing to do, he kept saying himself so he wouldn't lose his nerve and run away from the edge. It's the right thing to do.

He stopped himself short of pressing the door bell button and knocked on the door instead. He noted uncomfortably how sweaty his palms were and the warm summer morning wasn't helping his nerves any.

Eagle opened the door.

"Cub!" The soldier blinded him with both his smile and broad chest when he stepped in for a hug. Alex let him have it for about three seconds before disengaging the man's arms from around himself. "So the prodigal boyfriend returns!"

The blond internally groaned. He was so not up for jokes at the moment. But he shrugged off the comment and gave the man a timid smile.

"Ben's waiting for you downstairs"

Out of the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of Vict stepping out of the bathroom and into his room. He looked like he'd just stepped out of the shower. The day was humid enough that Alex considered cutting his visit even shorter just so he could stand under a cold spray of water himself for the rest of the day.

"I'll just say goodbye to your boy over there and be on my way then"

Eagle dissapeared into Vict's room for a few minutes where Alex could hear small conversation and he waited uncomfortably a step inside the apartment, feeling very much like a stranger in a place that had become like a second home to him. Time to say goodbye, he thought.

Vict walked out to see Eagle through the door.

Alex's heart jumped when he saw the other boy and he ached to get closer and hold him for however long Vict allowed.

He loved that guy so damn much.

Vict greeted him while Eagle said his final goodbye but didn't fully turn to address him until the door was closed behind the soldier.

When there was finally the two of them left, Alex shifted his weight from foot to foot.

He was glad to notice the other boy looked well. He had expected a more tired or hurt looking Vict, but he seemed rested enough.

Neither of them ventured to start a conversation though, and they stared at each other awkwardly in the middle of the small living room for a while. Maybe Vict would punish him and make him wait in uncomfortable silence until he found the corage to start talking first. This was Alex's mess to fix after all.

"I'm—"

"Break up with me again and I swear I'll punch you"

Alex chocked on the rest of his words.

Vict ignored his dumbstruck expression and kept talking. "I mean, you saw me back there. I wasn't half bad. What do you say, a broken nose for a broken heart?"

Alex's mind was spinning, trying to come up with an answer. Of all the things he had imagined Vict saying, this was certainly not one of them.

And of all the things he could imagine himself responding, he went with the most eloquent one.

"Huh?"

"I'm your boyfriend, remember? I know you. That's what you came here to do, right? Break up with me" Vict added, seeing the disbelief on his face.

"Are you?"

"Well, I'm not breaking up with you and I'm not letting you break up with me. So yes"

Vict took a step towards him but Alex mirrored one back, making the playful smile on Vict's face waver a little. A frown replaced it soon after.

Alex closed his eyes briefly, gathering the corage to do what he came here to do, but there was one recent memory that wouldn't stop nagging at him. It was the moment Villanueva's men told him Vict was dead and locked him into a room with his dead body. The anger, the fear... the pain.

Alex opened his eyes. He didn't want any more pain.

"You're right" he said, voice surprisingly steady and calm "I came here to put an end to this, to all the suffering and pain I've caused you"

He could see what his words were doing to Vict. The older boy had sobered up the second he confessed his intentions, but Alex wouldn't leave that frown on his face for long.

"I had this whole speech planned. I was gonna tell you I would understand if you wanted to leave me, if you never wanted to see me again because I can't promise something like this won't ever happen again"

"But—"

"I was gonna say that" Alex continued, determined to get everything out in the open "And I was going to mean it. But then... then I realized that I want to be selfish for once. When it comes to you, I have to be selfish. I don't want to leave you and I don't want you to leave me. I don't think I could stand it if you did, because I love you more than anything and I won't stop trying to find a way for you to forgive me"

Alex finished pouring his heart out and waited anxiously for Vict to say something in return.

This wasn't the speech he had planned on giving once he arrived to the apartment, but he found that he meant every word the same, if not even more. Vict had said he didn't want to break up. Was there hope for them yet?

Vict's smile returned full wattage.

"You love me?" of course that was the part he would focus on the most. Alex sent him a small smile of his own. He was surprised his beating heart didn't make his voice break at any moment and he was also awed with how easy it was to confess that usually dreaded four letter word.

"Of course I do. I've loved you for a really long time now and I'm sorry I couldn't say it sooner. Love isn't... it isn't... it's not easy for me. I..." he breathed deeply for a moment to gather his composure once more "I tend to lose the people I love, and I think I would die—"

"Alex—"

"I would. I would die if I ever lost you" the blond was getting worked up now but if there was ever a chance to confess all he really felt, it was right then and there.

Vict ventured forward again but Alex raised his hands to stop him from advancing any further. "Al—"

"No, just wait. Wait" the blond pleaded "I also owe you an apology. Because I was never gonna tell you the truth about me. I never wanted you to be a part of that world because it's dangerous and cruel and I don't... I don't like the person I am when I'm involved with that so I couldn't expect you to like it either"

"Who said I don't?"

"Vict, you saw what I did. I'm dangerous. I can hurt people, I can kill people. And when I took the gun" Alex stopped for a second, a flicker of doubt finally making an appearance in his heart. But he'd vowed to be truthful with the other boy from now on. If he wanted Vict to be with him again, then the older boy needed to know everything "It wasn't the first time I thought about it. About ending it all. And I never wanted you to see that side of me because I'm not... I'm not sure I can ever get rid of it entirely. I've tried and I promise you I don't want to die, but you need to know because if you do want to leave me after that, you can. I just wanted you to understand why I never wanted you to see that"

Ignoring his still stiff posture, Vict finally closed the distance between them. Alex didn't back away this time. "Do you want to know what I saw?"

The older boy said craddling a hand to his neck and forcing him to hold his gaze. "What I saw was the bravest person I know being ready to take his own life because he was put into an impossible situation and he couldn't bear to see his loved ones die"

Alex's hands had found their way up Vict's chest and were fisting his t-shirt like it would take an earthquake to make him let go.

"What I saw" Vict continued "Was the hottest guy around kicking ass better than James Bond ever could. What I'm seeing now is the person I love being completely idiotic if he thinks I'm gonna leave him for being who he is. I've told you this before: I like you just the way you are, and I'm sorry I ever made you doubt that"

"But you were right to—"

"No, I wasn't and I promise I will never make you doubt my feelings again"

Alex's stomach did a flip flop. Was this really happening? Was their fight really over? "So you don't hate me?"

Vict's voice lowered, his eyes boring intensely into his. "I love you"

"Can I kiss you?" Alex asked, their bodies already leaning into each other.

"That's my line"

"Then ask it already"

But the other boy didn't ask. He merely removed his hand from Alex's neck and fisted the hair at the back of his head. Their lips crashed together in a searing kiss that made the world finally tilt back in its place for Alex.

He snaked his arms around Vict and brought his body even closer. He never wanted to know how it felt to live without hugging him for more than a day ever again.

Their kiss was turning desperate and with every pull of their lips and swipe of their tonges, they kissed away every harsh word between them, every lie and every secret. They kissed away their insecurities and their fears. They were together again and that was all that mattered.

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Wait for it… waaaaait for it… THIS CHAPTER ISN'T OVER. Surprise! I wrote a continuation of this scene (an M rated continuation) but decided to post it seperately because I didn't want to change the rating of this fic at this point.

You can find the scene posted as Chapter 2 of the fic A&V: The series. So make sure to head over there pronto and read the true ending of this chapter. See you there!