Mable just wants Dipper to be happy
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
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ANNOUNCEMENT!
I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!
SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!
The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.
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AN: This chapter is dedicated to ImperialStar, he and his family live in Venezuela and need all the support they can get! PM him now and give him a donation!
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"Through my investigations I have learned that the Gnome Queen is a highly respected and wise leader of the enchanted forest; among her many duties is playing mediator to various disputes between magical creatures, deciding who wins the miss dewdrop beauty pageant, deciding when her subjects will vomit rainbow during the summer solstice orchestra, and anointing her subjects with her queen 'jelly' to keep them from falling into madness and debauchery."
Wendy read the book out loud and sighed... "Am I seriously doing this? Following the words of a madmen into the deepest part of the forest to get a 'magical' item from a 'magical' creature?...am I nuts?" She gripped as she continued to walk.
Wendy knew it was nuts...but...well, what else could she do then? She felt completely powerless helping Dipper...she couldn't just stand around and do nothing, she needed to help him!
...and that's why she was walking this stupid trail, to the middle of nowhere, to find a most likely nonexistent creature to get a nonexistent 'jelly'...that might not even work at all!
Wendy stopped in her tracks, "Seriously what am I doing? Do I REALLY believe that if I keep walking I'll find an 'ENCHANTED' Forest abundant in fairy tale creatures? What am I, five?"
"Not with that attitude." Said a Kill Billy as it sipped it's morning cup of Joe- or BLOOD of a guy named Joe anyway -while walking past her to it's ancestral 'squatting' hole...
Wendy blinked, "Did I just see a- She shakes her head, "Frak it if I'm having a nervous breakdown it might as well be while at least making an effort to help Dipper..."
With that 'happy' thought she continues her walk through the woods...
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A gnome bathing in squirrels...this was the first scene Wendy found. Jeff the Gnome King looked at her startled, "Uh...what? This...this is normal...normal for gnomes! All gnomes do this!" He lied quickly.
Wendy was too busy suppressing her gag reflex to respond, so Jeff wrapped a towel around himself and jumped out. "You here for the position of Queen? Sorry babe, but we like em SMALL." He said with a lecherous grin.
Wendy was about to cold-cock the tiny perv when what he actually said occurred to her, "Wait, the position of Queen is open? What happened to her?" Asked Wendy confused.
Jeff sighed, "It was tragic...she got eaten by a badger." Said Jeff wiping a tear from his eye, "Which means I'm now a bachelor!" He says in a suddenly more upbeat tone. He then wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. "Hey, you may not be eligible to be Queen but if you want to make some quick money-
Suddenly he found himself lifted up by his windpipe as Wendy started to strangle him, "Look buddy I'm just here to get some of that Queen's 'jelly', it cures insanity, dementia, mental disorders and trauma right?"
Jeff gagged, "Supposedly...but honestly i think that's a bunch of traditionalist hooey! The queens been dead and hasn't been able to give us our daily anointing for weeks now! And were all just fine!"
Jeff then grabs a nearby butterfly, puts mustard on it, sets it on fire and then smokes it.
Wendy gives him a weird look, "Riiight...so if I get you a new queen I'll get some of that jelly for myself?"
Jeff shrugged, "I guess...but girl gnomes aren't born. They got to be MADE. There's a special ritual that transforms a human girl into the gnome queen, of course she has to be young enough where her body can handle the change, about 12 years old ought to do it..."
Wendy frowns, "12 years old? ...well, that puts me out of the running...but where dose that leave me ? I'm clearly onto something to cure at least some of Dipper's issues...I got to get that jelly...but who would be willing to do it? Let's see...she'd have to be 12...female...pretty enough for these perv's to accept her, but capable of protecting herself lest they get too grabby...who dose that leave me with? It's not like this is a big town...not too many 12 year old's that met that criteri-
Wendy paled as a realization hits her...
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Wendy takes a deep breath... "For Dipper!" She shouts to herself as she walks up to the Northwest Mansion...
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"I'm sorry, you want my daughter to what?" Asked Preston Northwest.
Wendy groaned, "Look, I know it sounds crazy- But I brought proof, see?" Hold up a gnome she'd been keeping in her backpack, "SCHMEBULOCK!"
Preston Northwest gave a dismissive wave of his hand, "Oh, no you misunderstand. It's not the supernatural bits that flummox me, simply what you ask my daughter to do."
This in turn flummoxed Wendy, "Wait, seriously? You know about all the weird supernatural stuff that goes on here?"
Preston shrugged, "A group of well-meaning...'civil servants' in town feel it's within everyone's best interest to keep the normal and the abnormal separate, my influence and resources made it difficult for me NOT to know about such things. But we eventually came to an...'understanding'." He says that last part with a smirk as he reminisces.
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Preston Northwest looks down at the members of the 'Blind Eye' society who'd tried to sneak into his mansion after he'd seen some weird little men stealing pie...and promptly got captured and beaten up by his private security force.
"Fortunately for you lot, I have a rather unsettling memory regarding a battered woman's shelter and a bed pan- (shudder) -perhaps we can make a deal?"
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Wendy frowns at that, "Wait, how do they- She shakes her head, "Never mind. Look, the point is that jelly could really help Dipper deal with his trauma-
"No, I got that but I'm afraid I missed the part where that's my problem." Said Preston snottily, the only real reason he'd allowed her into his presence was to watch the scion of their 'rival'- And he used that term loosely -family grovel.
Wendy resisted the urge to punch him, there were security guard everywhere with GUNS. She takes a deep breath and begins again... "Think of it this way...your daughter will be ruler of her own kingdom-
"What, a kingdom of them?" He points to Schembulock with a sneer.
"Schmebulock!" Shouts the gnome as he waves.
Wendy quickly backtracked, "Uh, I read up the Gnome Queen is actually one of the most respected and influential in the enchanted forest!"
Preston thought for a second... "Well that's a BIT better...but still kinda 'meh'. Why should I be excited over the prospect of my daughter gaining influence with savage monsters and abominations?"
Wendy started to sweat, "Uh...free labor?"
Preston gained a thoughtful look, "Hmmm, interesting...I'll have some of my HR people look into the feasibility of that later...but I'd rather have something concrete that I could use NOW. Especially considering your asking me to use one of my most important assets for such a frivolous thing."
"Did he seriously just refer to his daughter as an asset?" Thinks Wendy to herself before once more swallowing her pride and beginning again.
"Um...okay, well what about the jelly? If it can cure psychological issues in humans, that be a huge cash cow for you."
Preston again looks thoughtful, "Well, one can never have enough money...still, you don't know for certain it works on human... Sorry, my dear, your making it sound better and better...but I absolutely refuse to have any part of that wacky forest unless I get at least one immediate benefit as a down payment.
Wendy was getting desperate, "Uh...the good PR you'll get for helping a mentally/physically tortured boy in the center of a rather large scandal that's currently taking the national headlines by storm?"
Again Preston becomes thoughtful as he taps his chin, "Tempting...definitely tempting..." He says in a neutral tone of voice.
Wendy groaned, "Gah! I give up, what, what would it take for you to do this?"
Preston smirked, Looked her up and down... "Well...I have a bordello in the south seas that could always use a new young intern." He said perversely.
Wendy looks at him in disgust, she shuddered suddenly feeling VERY violated...then sigh's, the memory of Dipper's horrifically mutilated body ever present in her mind-
"Okay, fine I-
ENOUGH!
Both residents were shocked when flames erupted from the ground, forming a burly ghost with a flaming bear and an axe in his head!
"I'm Archibald Corduroy! The noble act of selflessness done by my blood has summoned me here! But I shall not allow my descendant to shame herself! Preston I wish to make a covenant with you! If thou agrees to my scions accord- minus the part of the bordello, seriously man what the blood? that's just messed up. She's fraking underage for crying out loud! - I shall sweeten the deal by casting aside my vow of vengeance! I shall simply walk the earth forever, never at peace, but never bothering you or your kin." He swore solemnly.
Preston looked surprised for a moment...then cackled evilly. "Well, certainly wasn't expecting this! I love it when crap like this lines up! In any case, love the offer...and I'll accept on the condition you ALSO become my family's guardian ghost AND my company's new mascot...were thinking of retiring Camel Cool, people just aren't into cigarettes anymore, especially the new generation...they'd rather stay home and watch porn."
Archibald gaped, "You would go so far as to add to my torment!?...DOSE YOUR DEPRAVITY KNOW NO BOUNDS NORTHWEST!?"
Preston shrugs, "If so, I haven't found it. Now enough talk, do we have a deal or not?"
Archibald sighed, gave his frightened and confused relative another look, then nodded and shook Preston's hand. and like that, the deal was struck...
"Uh...what the FRACK just happened here?" Asked a horrified Wendy baffled
…III...
TO BE CONTINUED?
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