Chapter Eighteen

Shadowheart stared outside the warriors' den, watching the camp as they went through their daily routines. It had been a few days since the attack by the rogues, and the Clan suffered two other casualties in the battle—Longwhisker and Jayeyes. Foxstar had announced Alderleaf as the Clan's new deputy just before moonhigh the day of Longwhisker's death, and had since been filling his new role to the best of his abilities.

He looked towards the apprentices' den, where Lynxkit, Leopardkit, and Tigerkit—made apprentices only yesterday—rushed out to meet their mentors. Time had steadily started to move forward, but Shadowheart felt trapped. Sagepelt's death haunted him every night since, and no matter how much he cleaned his paws he still felt the sticky feeling of blood between his claws. His mate, Hollycloud, had grieved heavily over his death. Their three remaining kits—Rainfall, Redfur, and Silverleaf—grieved just as well, but tried their best to move on.

Guilt prickled Shadowheart's paw pads. Was it really okay for him to grieve perhaps even worse than Sagepelt's actual kin? They had already lost Sleetwhisker to Hawk, and now so soon after his death, Sagepelt. He had put a break on Ravenpaw's training as well, hoping to give his apprentice some time to grieve over the death of her father, Longwhisker. Even then, his apprentice and her littermates had started to move on despite the loss of their father. So was it right for Shadowheart to feel so desolate and full of bitter regret? After all, it had been his fault Sagepelt was even dead. He left him to face Dune alone instead of fighting his own battle with the one-eyed rogue.

Movement from the nursery caught his attention; Ivyfrost and Yellowsky emerging outside with Yellowsky's three kits—Volekit, Batkit, and Mousekit. Ivyfrost had moved into the nursery earlier that day, expecting Snowfoot's kits, and the two sisters had since been inseparable. Resentment burned under his pelt as he thought of his own littermates, Cinder and Blackflame. Cinder had refused to leave the rogues, and Blackflame had barely spent any time with Shadowheart since the battle; instead spending his spare time with Sandpool instead. Shadowheart felt abandoned by his own kin, and with his own father in another Clan, he couldn't help but feel more alone than ever.

Feeling tired, Shadowheart slowly sulked over towards the medicine cat den. Perhaps Pinefrost could give him advice on his conflicting feelings. As he reached the hollow log, he nearly crashed into Ravenpaw; who was carrying a mouthful of wet moss. The small black she-cat smelled of different herbs, and her eyes were wide with surprised as she faced Shadowheart.

"What are you doing?" Shadowheart tipped his head curiously.

Ravenpaw dropped the wet moss and dipped her head in greeting. "I was helping Pinefrost with some of her duties," as if embarrassed, she quickly averted his gaze. "I-I should have told you sooner...we could have went on patrol or something..."

Shadowheart shook his head. "It's okay," What had gotten into his apprentice? He wondered. "We can do a patrol later or tomorrow."

Dipping her head, Ravenpaw quickly scooped up the moss and scampered off towards the elder's den. Putting his apprentice's weird behavior out of his mind a moment, he padded into the medicine cat den. Pinefrost was sitting near her nest, sorting out different herbs in the ledges along the wall.

"Hmm...this chamomile is getting pretty stale, maybe I can go out to get more later," she mumbled to herself.

Stepping a bit closer, he called out. "Pinefrost?"

"Hmm? Oh, Shadowheart!" she mewed, snapped out of her thoughts. "Sorry, I didn't see you there. What's wrong?"

Shadowheart sighed, sitting down. "I need advice."

Pinefrost had a knowing gaze in her eyes as she faced him. "Is this about Sagepelt? Or Ravenpaw?"

"Ravenpaw?" Shadowheart gave her a bemused look. "Why would I need advice on my apprentice?"

The medicine cat's eyes clouded. "So she hasn't told you?"

"Told me what?" Shadowheart demanded, his pelt prickled. What had he missed? Did it have something to do about her demeanor earlier?

Pinefrost blinked and shook her head. "Oh, it's nothing. That's something you should ask her yourself. What did you want advice on?" she added, quickly changing the conversation.

Making a note to speak to Ravenpaw later, Shadowheart just looked down at his paws. "I've been having a lot of nightmares about Sagepelt's death. I just feel so lost right now...like I don't really fit in here."

"His death has been hard on you," there was sympathy in Pinefrost's voice. "Every cat knows how much he meant to you. But why would you not feel welcome here in LeafClan?"

Shadowheart dug his claws into the ground. "Cinder is with Hawk back in the gorge. My father is in another Clan, while my mother is dead. Then Blackflame, he's barely been around since the battle. I feel...alone."

Pinefrost frowned. "Have you tried to talk to Blackflame? He may not realize-"

"Why should I?" Shadowheart grumbled, cutting her off. "If he's too busy with some she-cat what should I care?"

"Now that's not very fair," Pinefrost scolded him gently. "Blackflame is finding his place in this Clan just like you had to. Even if you don't know your place yourself, you are a LeafClan warrior. Blackflame still has yet to really prove himself."

Shadowheart stared down at his paws, frustrated. "But he didn't get a cat killed!" he snapped, lashing his tail. "Sagepelt is dead because of me! I shouldn't have left him alone with Dune! I should have stayed there with him!"

Pinefrost gently placed one paw on his. "That's not true, Shadowheart. Sagepelt died like any true warrior would. Don't take away from his sacrifice by saying these things. Dune may have been the one who killed him, but that doesn't make it your fault. Because of Sagepelt, you're here and alive. You were able to fight to protect your Clanmates. He will always be remembered by his Clanmates as a brave and noble warriors. Don't take that away from them, or yourself."

"I wish I could really believe that," Shadowheart trembled, looking up at his friend. "But no matter what anyone says, I still feel so guilty. And now, I just feel trapped here."

Pinefrost nodded in understanding. "Perhaps talking to Hollycloud could help ease your mind. She may have lost her mate, but she is a gentle she-cat. If you talk to her about this, she may be able to relieve some of your guilt."

"But talking to his kin?" Shadowheart asked, lowering his gaze. "How can I even face her?"

"She will understand," Pinefrost urged. "Of all cats, she will be the easiest to speak to about Sagepelt. Trust me."

Feeling uncertain, Shadowheart got to his paws. "Thank you Pinefrost. I...I'll try."

Leaving the medicine cat den, he searched out for his apprentice first. What Pinefrost had said troubled him, and he wanted to clear his mind of any more worries before approaching Hollycloud. Ravenpaw was leaving the elder's den, when she noticed him. Gesturing with his tail for her to come closer, he tipped his head to the side.

"Ravenpaw," he started, trying to find the right words. "If you're done with the elders, I'd like you to come with me."

Ravenpaw nodded, a flash of guilt in her eyes. "O-Okay."

Leading the way out of camp, Shadowheart padded through the snow with Ravenpaw trailing behind. The forest was quiet and the snow nearly blinded him as the sun danced along the banks. Finding a place to speak with his apprentice, Shadowheart guided her by an old oak tree. He settled down at the base of it, waiting for Ravenpaw to get comfortable.

"So," he began carefully. "Pinefrost told me there was something you needed to talk to me about?"

Ravenpaw nodded sullenly, staring at her paws. "I...I wanted to tell you sooner. But I was worried because you were so upset about Sagepelt's death. I didn't want to upset you more."

Shadowheart tipped his head, trying to keep his anxiety at bay. "Why would I be upset? Is something wrong?"

"I really appreciate everything you've taught me so far," she murmured, lifting her gaze to meet his. Guilt was clear on her expression as she continued. "You've been such a great mentor but I...I don't want to be a warrior."

"What?" Shadowheart stared at her surprised. "What else could you be but a warrior?"

Ravenpaw met his gaze certainly. "Shadowheart, I want to be a medicine cat. I mean," she looked down. "I always did. Before...I couldn't be because we already had two of them. But now, now I can be. Oh Shadowheart, I'm so sorry. I know I've let you down."

Despite the pain of losing his apprentice, Shadowheart forced himself to speak clearly. While it was true that he was disappointed at Ravenpaw never becoming a warrior, he couldn't bring himself to truly be upset. "You haven't let me down," he told her gently. "You found where your place truly is. I could never fault you for that. I'm your mentor, Ravenpaw; I just want you to be the best you can be. And if that's becoming a medicine cat, then I will always support you."

Visibly relaxing, Shadowheart could tell how heavily this must have weighed on the young cat's mind. Ravenpaw touched her nose to his. "Thank you Shadowheart. This means so much to hear you feel that way."

"Go and tell Pinefrost the news," he urged her. "I want to hear a full report when you get back from the Moonpuddle during half-moon!"

Purring Ravenpaw bounced on her paws. "I will! See you later then!"

Watching his apprentice run off, Shadowheart felt regret pierce his heart. What he told Ravenpaw was true; but it didn't hurt any less. Deciding to head back to camp, he made his way through the snow slowly. A flash of ginger caught his attention and he saw Firelight chasing a vole along the river bank. He watched her quietly as she managed to stun the small rodent before catching it. Shadowheart couldn't help but admire his friend's skills as a warrior, despite her smaller size.

"Nice catch!" he called, approaching her.

Firelight looked up from her catch. "Oh, there you are Shadowheart. I was looking for you just a bit ago, but I figured you left camp by yourself."

Shadowheart gave a nod. "I was speaking to Ravenpaw just now. She...She decided she wants to be a medicine cat."

"That's great!" Firelight's eyes flashed with surprise. "Although, I'm sure that's a pretty tough blow for you."

"I'm happy for her," Shadowheart told her, avoiding her gaze. "She'll make a great medicine cat some day."

Firelight playfully batted at his muzzle. "Cheer up! I know things have been rough lately, but it'll get better."

"How would you know?" Shadowheart growled, annoyed. "Your mentor is still alive. And your father is not only in the same Clan as you, but deputy now."

An irritated expression crossed her muzzle. "Don't get angry with me, Shadowheart. You aren't the only cat around here whose lost someone."

Shadowheart met her gaze, his frustration starting to bubble over. "I know that! But to just cheer up? Did you forget how much Sagepelt meant to me? Or what a toll this has taken on me?"

"How could I forget?" Firelight growled scathingly. "You've constantly complained about it the past few days! You forget that everyone else is doing what they can to move on, to do what is best for the Clan. You constantly mope around instead of really doing anything, and everyone has been nice enough to put up with it!" She lashed her tail. "But I'm done putting up with it! Maybe you should start thinking about what's more important, instead of whining about yourself for once!"

Shadowheart snarled as Firelight turned her back on him and stormed off into camp. Feeling even worse now, he sulkily stared out over the river. What would any cat understand about what he's going through? His parents selfishly caused all of this, Hawk just being the main catalyst. If they had not broken the warrior code, none of this would have happened. Shadowheart stared into the cold river, flattening his ears. Did he truly believe that? He didn't know anymore.

"Shadowheart?" a quiet voice mewed from behind him.

Turning to see Hollycloud, he struggled to meet her gaze. "Hello, Hollycloud."

"I thought I would find you here," she murmured, coming to sit beside him.

Shadowheart stared at the black she-cat in surprise. "You were looking for me?"

Hollycloud nodded, staring across the river. "When I saw Firelight storm into camp, I thought that I might find you nearby. You two argued, didn't you?"

Feeling uncomfortable sharing with her, Shadowheart just stared down at his paws. Hollycloud went on, "I thought so. You know, Sagepelt always enjoyed watching the river from here."

Grief for his mentor gripped his heart like claws. "He did?"

"Yes. We would come here often to watch the river together," Hollycloud murmured, her voice full of sadness.

"I'm so sorry," Shadowheart admitted quietly. "He shouldn't have died."

Hollycloud turned her soft green gaze on him. "No one should ever die in pointless battles," she agreed. "However Sagepelt died a brave warrior protecting his Clan. My kits and I will always remember him that way. Both as a kind and wise cat, but also as a loving mate and father."

Shadowheart met her gaze, feeling himself tremble. "But I left him to die. He would still be here if he hadn't had to save me."

"Nonsense," Hollycloud chided softly, wrapping her tail around him as if he was a small kit. "Sagepelt may have saved you, but the only cat responsible for his death is the rogue who killed him. He loved you, Shadowheart. He always wanted you to find your place within the Clan and be happy. So if he saw you blaming yourself like this...well, he would be very sad."

Leaning into the she-cat, Shadowheart stared into the river. "I just…wish he wasn't the one that died."

"I do too," Hollycloud admitted quietly. "After losing Sleetwhisker, it has been hard on myself and my kits. Despite that, we find comfort in knowing that they are together in StarClan. I will always love Sagepelt, and I know one day we will meet again. No matter how much I grieve, I can't bring him back; I can only move forward, as that is what he would have wanted."

"You're not angry with the cat who killed him?" Shadowheart asked, feeling his own anger towards Dune for Sagepelt's unjust murder.

Hollycloud shook her head, closing her eyes. "Of course not. What good would come of it? Sagepelt was killed defending his Clan and those who mattered most to him. Death shouldn't always lead to us feeling nothing but sadness or bitter regret. All it does it make us say or do foolish things, the exact opposite of what he would want. Instead, I want to live each day to it's fullest and making up for what he left behind. I want my kits and their kits to know just how great of a warrior he was. I don't want anyone to forget just how much he loved LeafClan, and the cats within it."

Admiration for the gentle queen's resilience despite all the pain she was in lit a small light of hope in Shadowheart's chest. If the cat who loved Sagepelt the most could put her own grief aside to do what she needed to do, couldn't he do the same? He lifted his head to look at her. For the first time in the past few days, he began to slowly feel at peace with his mentor's death.

"Thank you, Hollycloud," he mewed softly. "For everything."

Hollycloud purred and got to her paws. "You will always be welcome to come to me with your troubles, Shadowheart."

Touching his nose briefly to the black queen, Shadowheart watched her pad away into the forest. Staring up at the pale blue sky, Shadowheart thought for just a brief moment that Sagepelt was beside him; urging him to go on. I will never forget you, that I promise.