The Secret Diary of Cameron Baum

continued from previous chapter...

"What is the name of this plant?" I ask.

"I don't know. Rhododendron? Something like that."

"Rho-do-den-dron? It is interesting. See how the upper leaf is shiny and green while underneath it is soft and white, like felt. It displays one face to the world while concealing another."

"Ye-ah, how about that. And since when are you so interested in botany? Don't you have like a plant database?"

"No. Trees only. Trees can be used for shelter or manufactured into crude weapons, but plants are harmless."

"You've obviously never sat on poison ivy."

John and I are in the back garden of Louise's house, crouching among the shrubs and plants. It is 32 minutes since we encountered the roboraptor. The garden is large and bounded on two sides by high walls. The third side is hedge. If the roboraptor chooses to attack this is where it will do so. And we will be waiting.

John's cell phone rings. He puts down the baseball bat which is the only weapon we have with us. Our guns are in the jeep. John's orders. I am trigger-happy. Apparently.

"Hello? Oh hey..." John's voice softens. He turns his head away from me. He is speaking to Riley.

Riley...

I find I have inadvertedly crushed the rhododendren, soft felty leaves and all.

"No, I didn't forget. Something came up...No, no one's trying to shoot me. ..Yet...My sister's - uh - dog went missing. I'm helping her find it...Well, she does...I know you've never seen it...What's it like? Uh - small, white with sharp teeth and a vile temper...Yeah, her kind of dog...Name? Uh - Cuddles. The dog's name is Cuddles...Okay?...Yeah... I'll call you later. Maybe we can still hook up."

"You were going to meet Riley." It is a statement not a question.

"Yeah."

"You blew her off for me."

"No, I blew her off to prevent your science project chewing up an innocent girl."

"You named it Cuddles?"

John snorts. "Best I could come up with."

"Cuddles. I like that name."

"You would."

"What do I say?"

"Huh?"

"If Riley asks to meet Cuddles, what do I say?"

"Say Cuddles was run over in traffic. Nothing we could do."

"Run over in . That is plausible. Or I shot Cuddles by accident. Accidents do happen. With a double-gauge shotgun which has a large blast radius. Cuddles was totally obliterated, not a trace remains."

"Let's keep the lies simple, shall we. Run over in traffic. Riley thinks we're weird enough already without shotguns going off and obliterating dogs."

"The bigger the lie the more people believe it."

"Says who?"

"Adolf Hitler."

"Oh well, if that's your role model..."

"Am I sad?"

John sighs. "What?"

"Am I sad Cuddles is dead? Do I cry?"

"I don't know. Do you?"

"I don't know. I've never tried."

"It's not something you try; it's something you feel. An emotional response."

"Then I probably don't cry."

"I guess not."

"Do you cry?"

"Over a pretend dog? I think I can contain myself."

The door next to the sun terrace opens. We duck down. Louise walks out. She is wearing a red two-piece swimsuit known as a bikini. She places a towel on one of the loungers and lies on it, face down.

"She's thin," John whispers. "Does she ever eat?"

"She had a double bagel with cream cheese for lunch. But you know what they say, what goes down must come up."

John grunts. "So she's bulimic. That explains a few things."

"It explains why she's thin."

"And maybe why she's unpleasant. Being hungry all the time must make you cranky."

Louise reaches behind her back and unties the straps of her bikini top.

"Tanlines," I explain. "The sun's ultraviolet radiation causes discrepancies in the pigmentation of the outer dermal layer."

"I know what tanlines are."

"I don't suffer from tanlines."

"Because you don't tan."

"Correct. However I can alter my pigmentation level artificially. Would I look good with a tan?"

"Don't. Just...don't. The thought of you suddenly turning into Beyonce is just too weird."

There is movement on the sun terrace. A small human infant emerges from the house. He stands looking down at Louise. His voice is clear even from where we are hidden.

"Louey, I'm bored. Can you come inside and read to me?"

Louise twists round. "Now, Jake? I'm busy. Can't Clarita read to you?"

"Clarita left already. And you're not busy, you're just lying there."

"Daddy'll be home soon; he'll read to you."

"No, he won't! He's never home this early. You know that. Please, Louey..."

"Okay, okay. Just give me ten minutes to catch some sun then I'll read to you."

"Thanks, Louey!"

The boy reenters the house. John whispers, "Guess that's her brother. Clarita's probably the maid. Means it's just the two of them home. Father's working late - again, sounds like."

Ten minutes pass. Then fifteen. Louise makes no attempt to go inside. Humans are notoriously poor at timekeeping. Presently Jake, the human infant, returns and petulantly demands. "Louey, it's been ten minutes. Come on. You promised. I'll share my candy bar with you."

Louise reties her top then sits up. "I don't eat candy."

"You've got to eat, Louey. You promised Daddy you would. Or he'll send you away to that place again."

"Don't start, Jake. Okay? Look at me, I'm a big fat pig."

"No, you're not!"

"You're a boy, you wouldn't understand. I..." Louise's voice trails off. She stares back down the garden.

Coming towards her across the lawn is the roboraptor, snout lowered and titanium teeth bared in full predator mode.

John and I leap out of the shrub border. "Protect the boy!" John yells.

I run toward the terrace. Louise screams. The boy, Jake, turns and runs inside the house. I follow. Louise screams again. I do not stop. I have my orders. Protect the boy. Whether he likes it or not.

I chase Jake through the house, past large rooms filled with furniture both modern and antique. Paintings and plasma screens hang on the walls. There are many rooms; the boy knows them well, this knowledge keeps him just ahead of me. Finally he enters a small room with no windows and only one door, which closes behind us. He is trapped. He cowers down in a corner hugging his knees.

"Please remain calm, Jake. I am not here to harm you."

"W..W..Who are you?"

"My name is Cameron. I go to school with your sister."

Jake nods. "I've heard her mention you. She doesn't like you. What are you doing here? What was that thing outside?"

"It is an ACO," I explain. "Artificial Cybernetic Organism."

"It looked like a toy dinosaur."

"Appearances can be deceptive." I examine our surroundings. "Where are we?"

"It's the Panic Room. Daddy always told us if someone tried to break in we were to hide in here where it's safe."

I examine the door. It is locked. And made of steel several inches thick. As are the walls.

"Open the door," I demand.

"Can't. It's a combination lock." Jake points at a console on the wall. There are ten buttons individually numbered. A diode glows red.

"What is the combination?"

"Don't know."

"You are lying."

"No, I'm not! It's seven numbers and I think it begins with a three."

"That still leaves several billion possibilities. It will take too long to try them all."

"Ask my sister. She might know."

"Louise is outside a locked door too solid to facilitate speech transfer."

"Duh - use the intercom."

Jake reaches up to flip a switch halfway up the wall. Suddenly I can hear Louise's voice. And John's.

"--think I'm stupid? That's not a dog. And get your hands off me!"

"I'm trying to help you."

"Then get the hell out of my house!"

"John!" I exclaim. "Can you hear me?"

"Cameron? Where are you? Is the boy okay?"

"Yes. We are in a Panic Room. I ---" Louise's voice interupts.

"You better not hurt my brother, you psycho-freak bitch! I'll kill you, I swear!"

"No one's hurting anyone. Calm down, okay? Cam, can you get out without, uh, scaring anybody?"

"The boy does not know the combination."

"Okay, I'll ask Louise. What's the combination?"

"I don't know, I've never been in there. It's Daddy's big idea; I'm claustrophobic."

"You must have it written down somewhere."

"Oh sure, brainiac, write the combination down so the robbers can kill and rape us!"

"Cam, sit tight. I'll figure something out."

"John, where is Cuddles?"

"Cuddles is, uh, somewhere in the house. All the doors and windows are locked so it's only a matter of time. Louise, I'm gonna need you to go up to your room and lock the door."

"Why - so you and your sister can steal everything we own? Get real. I'm calling the police if you're not out of here in five minutes."

"My sister sounds pissed," Jake opines. "Your brother better do as he's told or she'll go nuclear."

"It is unlikely your sister has nuclear weapons. What are you doing?"

"Seeing what's going on."

Jake opens a wooden cabinet revealing nine small TV screens. He pushes a button and the screens flicker to life. Each shows a realtime black and white image of part of the house.

"Daddy had cameras installed in every , there's Louise!"

One of the screens shows Louise and John walking down a corridor. Louise's bikini pants have ridden down at the back revealing the upper third of her buttocks.

"Hey, Louie, I can see you!" Jake exclaims happily. "And I can totally see your butt!"

Louise turns and stares up at the camera. "You litttle perv!"

Jake laughs. "Bare butts are funny!"

"They are?"

"Yeah!"

John and Louise pass from one screen to another, heading upstairs. There is no sign of the roboraptor.

"This is my room."

"Okay, go inside lock the door and put some clothes on. I'll tell you when it's safe to come out."

Louise goes inside and closes the door. I can no longer see her on any screen.

"Where is Louise?"

"There's no camera in her room," Jake explains. "Sometimes she has boys over and doesn't want Daddy finding out. Once Daddy came home early and this boy had to climb out the window, down the wall and escape through the garden. And he had no clothes on! You could totally see his butt!"

"And bare butts are funny."

"Yeah, they are!"

Once he has stopped laughing Jake pulls out two stools from under the desk unit. He hops up on one and indicates that I sit on the other. From a drawer he extracts a bar of candy and carefully unwraps the foil. He breaks off a chunk and offers it to me.

"I don't eat."

"Not you too?" Jake rolls his eyes. "Why are girls so stupid? My sister never eats. Daddy gets so mad. Once she had to have a tube put in her arm because she wouldn't eat enough. Crazy. Girls are crazy."

"I am different from your sister."

"Yeah, right. You're almost as skinny as she is."

One of the screens shows Louise's bedroom door opening and her emerging bikini-less in jeans and top. She holds something in her hand, something familiar...

She has a gun.

"John! Louise is armed!"

On the screen Louise points the weapon and John slowly raises his hands.

"Louise, put the gun down. I'm only here to help you."

"We don't need your help. I want you and your psycho-freak sister out of my house. Now!"

"Put the gun away."

"I'll use it. I swear I will. I'll tell the police you broke in and...and tried to rape me. You were always looking at me funny at school. Pestering me for dates. You and your dyke sister."

"You know that's not true."

"I didn't know Louise had a gun," Jake says. "This is so cool. Hey - there's that dino thing again."

Another screen shows the roboraptor climbing the stairs, hopping from step to step, approaching the landing. The landing where John and Louise are.

"John! The roboraptor!"

The roboraptor clears the top step. John lunges for the gun. Louise screams. The gun fires.

"John!"

I hammer on the steel door. My fists make several deep indentations but the steel holds.

"Whoa!"

I turn my atttention back to the screen. Louise is crumpled on the floor weeping. John has the gun. There is no sign of the roboraptor.

"Cam, you seeing this? Where did it go?"

"It went the other way," Jake answers. "It's really fast. Gee, what kind of batteries do you use?"

"Jake, is it?"

"Yeah. Is my sister okay?"

"The gunfire spooked her. You've never fired a gun in your life, have you?"

Louise shakes her head, still weeping.

"Go in your room and lock the door. I'll come get you when it's safe to come out."

John helps Louise into her room then looks up at the camera.

"Is there another staircase?"

"Yeah, the backstairs. To your left."

John heads that way. Jake turns to me and asks, "You did that to the door?"

"John was in danger."

"Did you hurt your hands?"

I show him my hands. He runs his tiny fingers over my knuckles. "Wow, not a mark. Daddy once lost his temper with Louise and punched the wall. His hand was in a plaster cast for months."

"I am not like your father."

"You can say that again."

"I am not like your father."

Jake smiles. "You're funny."

I am about to ask why I am funny when a red light starts to flash near one of the screens.

"What is that?"

"Uh, I think someone's using a telephone to call out. You can listen and intercept calls from in here. Not that I do," Jake adds quickly. "Here, you press this button."

I press the button Jake indicates. Louise's voice fills the room.

"Hello? Hello? Is that the police? Please answer. This is an emergency."

I adopt a male voice and reply, "This is the police. Please state the nature of your emergency."

"Oh thank God! Listen, I've been kidnapped. No. Wait. I'm still at home so technically it's not kidnapping, I'm...a hostage. Yeah, I'm a hostage in my own house. How unfair is that?"

"Who is holding you hostage?"

"This boy from my school. And his freaky sister. He has a gun and she's like super strong or something. I think she might be on steroids but not like gross with muscles and stuff. And I think a bit gay. Not that I'm prejudiced, but it's kinda freaky- right?- and I'm only into boys. Can you send someone? Ooh - send a SWAT team. You can shoot them both for all I care. I'll even pay you. Not that I'm trying to bribe the police or anything. How's a thousand bucks sound? Two thousand? Hello? Are you still there?"

"Please remain calm, Louise."

"But you'll send a SWAT team? My address is --Hey, how d'you know my name?"

I hang up. The light blinks on again but I ignore it.

"Whoa, that was mega!" Jake exclaims. "She totally bought it. How'd you learn to change your voice like that?"

"It's a knack."

"Can you teach me?"

"Unlikely."

Jake pouts but drops the subject. "This is fun!" he exclaims, apropos nothing.

"You find the possibility of your sibling being attacked by a malfunctioning cybernetic organism fun?"

"Well, if you put it that way...But it's totally worth missing Transformers for."

"Transformers?"

"You don't watch it?" Jake reaches below the desktop and brings up a small model truck. He manipulates it with his small hands until it transforms into a...

"Scary robot."

"Uh huh. Cameron, meet Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, arch enemy of the Decepticons."

Optimus Prime doesn't speak; it is just a toy after all. I manipulate the segments until it becomes a semi-truck once more.

"Cool, huh? Robots in disguise. The Decepticons are trying to take over the world - can you imagine."

I tell him I can imagine.

"D'you think something like that could ever happen in real life - robots take over the world?"

I turn to stare directly at him. "No," I state simply. "Too far-fetched."

Jake's face creases with disappointment. "Yeah, Life's never that exciting, is it. My life's really dull. I hate being a kid. There's nothing to do."

"It will become more exciting soon," I assure him.

"You think?"

"Yes. How fast can you run?"

"Pretty fast, I guess. Why?"

"All will become clear in time."

"You're weird," Jake opines, staring up at me thoughtfully. "But in a nice way. D'you like - uh - have a boyfriend?"

"John is a boy. He is my friend."

"Ewww! He's your brother!"

"Brothers can't be boyfriends?"

"No! That'd be like me and Louise. Barf City!"

"Barf City?"

"Totally Barf City." Jakes grins. He has a tooth missing in his lower jaw but a fresh one is beginning to emerge and fill the gap. A reminder that humans are resourceful creatures capable of renewel.

And duplicity.

I look at the box of toys half hidden beneath the desk; at the discarded candybar wrappers; a stack of colouring books pushed to the side...

I reach across and grasp Jake by the throat, raising him off his stool.

"You lied to me."

"Wha--"

"You use this room as a regular play area. The evidence is all around. Probability suggests you know the combination to the door. You would not risk entombment. Therefore you lied."

"--didn't--"

"Another lie. What is the combination? Tell me."

Jake frantically nods his head. I slacken my grip.

"Okay...okay, I know the combo. Jeez, you nearly choked me. There's no need to play so rough."

"I wasn't playing. Tell me the combination."

"2051961."

I press the numbers in sequence. The door slides open. I am about to exit, but pause and turn. Jake is staring at me, rubbing his neck. "Why did you lie?" I ask, curious.

"I thought you were going to hurt my sister."

"To protect her. Yes, that makes sense. You love your sister?"

Jake squirms, grimaces, rolls his eyes, then nods curtly. "But you don't have to say it out loud! It just...happens."

"Barf City?"

"Yeah. Big time." Jake nods emphatically. "Hey would you really have choked me if I hadn't told you the combination?"

"No. I would have tortured you first."

Without waiting for Jake's reaction I leave and head up the stairs. I hear pounding bass music coming from Louise's room. John is on the landing holding the baseball bat poised above his head. He turns at my approach.

"How'd you get out?"

"I extracted the information required."

"Dare I ask how?"

"She tried to choke me!" Jake complains. He has followed me upstairs. "But it's okay. I forgive her. Daddy says it's wrong to hold a grudge."

"Your daddy sounds like a wise man," John informs him. "Why don't you go to your room and lock the door. Cameron and I will be done soon."

"No! I want to help."

John sighs. "Okay. But stay close to me or Cameron."

"Cool! Hey, how come you haven't found it yet?"

"Because that chop-shop Godzilla is twelve inches tall and this house has about a hundred rooms to hide in. Wanna do the math?"

"What about putting out bait? What does it like to eat?"

"People."

"We've got kibbles, will that do? Cameron? Hey, where are you going?"

I do not reply. I descend the stairs and re-enter the Safe Room. I find what I want where Jake left it. I return to the landing.

"What's that?" John asks.

"Optimus Prime," I inform him. "A robot in disguise."

"Yeah, I'm familiar with the concept. Any particular reason?"

"Bait."

I place the toy on the top step of the stairs and explain my plan. John nods thoughtfully, which I interpret as assent. Jake grins and says, "Coolio!" Which I also interpret as assent.

And we wait. And wait. Grouped at the base of the stairs half hidden by a large green palm in a terracotta pot. Above Optimus Prime stands sentinel on the landing, bright and shiny against the maroon carpet. A curious sight. And curiosity will be important.

After 23 minutes Jake begins to fidget. "I need to pee."

"No."

"But I do! I need to pee real bad."

"Fluid transference will have to wait."

"Huh?"

Humans do not handle waiting well. Patience is not a virtue but a skill they are unable or unwilling to learn. Time passing without activity to fill the void is difficult for them. Only when they are asleep do they succomb without fuss. I am tempted to render Jake unconcious, raising my arm to do so when John whispers, "There. It's taking the bait."

On the landing the roboraptor emerges from its hiding place. It has noticed the silvery form of Optimus Prime and is curious. The roboraptor unhinges its jaws and prepares to engage this unknown enemy just as I pull the rug out from under it.

Literally.

I yank the stair carpet. The brass rods that hold it fast against the stair risers are ripped out instantly. Optimus Prime and the roboraptor tumble down towards us. The roboraptor lands on its side, its claws scrabbling for purchase on the slippery parterre. John is on it in seconds, bringing the baseball bat down again and again until there is nothing left but pieces of plastic and cheap aluminum. The ruby laser eyes dull and finally extinguish.

"Whoa!" Jake exclaims. "I hope no one calls the NSPCA!"

Jake knocks on his sister's door. "Louey? It's me. Open up. John and Cameron are going now."

The music ceases. The door opens and Louise peers out. "Yeah? Well you better hurry. I called the cops. They're sending a SWAT team. They'll shoot you dead. You'll look pretty silly then."

"Sorry, miss," I tell her in my cop voice, "but there's been a breakdown in communication."

Louise's mouth makes a perfect O of surprise.

"She fooled you!" Jake giggles. "That was Cameron all along. She can do voices."

John and I turn to leave. "Bye, Cameron," Jake calls after us.

At the bottom of the stairs I turn and say, "Remember to run, Jake. When the time comes. Run fast and don't look back."

Jake frowns in puzzlement but still nods. "I will. Bye."

John and I are in the jeep heading home.

"You seemed to make quite an impression on the boy," John informs me.

"He demonstrated strong survival instincts in the face of an unknown threat."

"And that impressed you?"

"Yes."

"He's still just a child."

"During the Battle of Stalingrad, children Jake's age fought alongside Russian soldiers and prevented the Germans from crossing the Volga. In the Vietnam War, children Jake's age--"

"Okay, okay, enough with the history lesson. I get it. Kid's are resiliant. Too bad his sister's such a headcase."

"Louise was prepared to fight to protect her brother, though her efforts were ultimately futile."

"Don't tell me you admire Louise?"

"No, but it's a start."

John nods. "It's good they have each other to care for."

"Barf City."

John glances sharply across at me. "Uh - did you just say Barf City?"

"Yes."

"O-kay...just checking."

oOo

This was written before Riley's suicide attempt which has just aired in the UK. (Ha. I've seen more blood from a hangnail.)

Never quite got a handle on Jake's age, so I'll leave it open to interpretation. Young enough to find bare butts funny, I guess. My age, then. Lol.