Once upon a time in a galxasxy far far way
The galaxy had bens aved by the awesome hero known as Luke Skywalker he ha defeated the evil epooer ain his super big space shit which was capable of blowhing enire planets.
Sadly, it hadb en many years ince this day. Because know Luke SKyewalker had gone missing! ANd now, his best friend in the world, Han Solo, had gone on suicdie mission to avenge Luke Syleaker.
"Where is here!?" Shouted Han Solo. "Where is the son of a bich WHO soitle my friend?"
Evil laugher erupted frim the space shit they were living on.
"Hahahah!" Said the evil voice. "You will never find Luke Syleaker. Han Solo! You a realready. Already doomed!"
"Hah/" Han Solo said. "That will the the day."
Han Solo fired the laister gun at the evil firued living in the dhadow. Then the shaeod fire time some back flips and he appeared and itw as hi SON! S Han Solo sonj...Kylo Ren.
"SON!?" Han Solo cried.
"Yes day. Said Kylo Ren. " I have turned to teh dark said ebeceua it s is much more coller than the gay jedi."
"Come on son," Han solo cired. "They're not THAT gay."
"No." And Kylo Ren used his ladr sowrd to sab his own FATEHR!
Han Solo wept. "My son…."
"What?" Said Kylo Ren.
"Not you!" Said Han Solo…."My other son!"
You can possibly lean...Kylo Ren pushed with anger but also fear.
Hanl Solo ided. "Yes...Drum!"
And so the lthe legena dha being.
Elsewere, in the big part of spayce that is near the galaxie strip bar, Drum solo had luthed with big lughing. He wad happy because it turnd out to be his birthda anf it was VERY imported tht he get his birthday lap dance. Now that he was 21 and not small boy that he used to was.
"Oh come on!" Drums saided. "You hav do better than!" Than she did. It was GREAT sex! Firs they had sext drinks whic was like normel sex but much betterer because they now had drunk. Then they did, on balcoknee, in janitour closesst even on table and bareneder not mind becaus he knew Drum [personally and was used to his antix.
"Keep the change!" Drum flipt him space coin, but it really like the coin you used to get at Chucker Cheez so it din't cont.
"Sorry, put on tab." He then get leave and it was cool. He left his signutrer motorcycllle outside. It actolly was the Speder Byke that Sykewalker once used in action film but forgot to film it so now he cold keep it.
But ont eh window of thie motor scule was a bill. "Wha tht eufkc is this?" Drum Solo pick up note and it read: Ilelgally Parked. Fine. 2000000 credits. Signed. THe First ORder.
"First ORder?" Drum Solo aiad. "Looks like my fist order is TO Kill the First ORder!"
So he whent real faset, almost like lite speed but not as cinematic but it was kinda like that moment in Breathe of the Will where Linkt ussed Motor bike. He get there but he forget to bring spaced babe wich was shame cuz he could use some great sext abut know. "Dam! Hope this placed got big biiddy broadz. That last chick dint know her head from mine."
The door whent boomed! It was juge explotion! First Order should up and axed him who he was.
Drum solo answered. "If you cant take the heat." He pintered laser pisotl he stoled from bartender in erlyr scene. "...Get out of the space ship!"
Ther ewas a vig fight. The First order tyr to shoot Drum Solo with their laser gns. But Drum Solo was faster and more aggressive in the battle so he killed all the FIrster ORder soliers but one because he picked up the last survor and said, "Tell your boss I aint talking nothing from ON ONE!" And ke kicke dthe solidr in the vacuum of space.
To celebrate his battle, Drum Solo went to have more booze and had ex with a new girl who ahd just showed up wither her friend. Htye had a thressome and Drum Slo asked the girl he ahd sex with eraleir f she wanted to make it a ofursome but she was tOO tired from the sex they had already had. So Drum Solo jsture drolled with it ana dsettled with a thressome which was still awesome.
Drom Solo sat in bed with two hot chicks bside him (thse were two knew chicsk) and then the dor kicked in. Drim Solo sat up and use his laser pistol to fire at the dop of the door.
"Woa! Take it easy there! It's me. " and it was Lnado Calrison. Drm Solo wasn't born until after Return of the Jedi. So Lnado had become much older and fatter since the vents of then.
"Waht you want?" "Cant you see I'mbsy here?"
Hte girls giggle.
"I can see that." Lnado siad with great sadness. "Yor addy's dead, Drum."
W'hat!?" Drum wasnt listen. He had space air pods in his space ears so he cant hurt wat Land said. "Say again."
He saidor "Umm, yer father was killerd by Kylo Rent." he say in Space Mega phon.
"OKAY! I HERE NOW. What you want me todo bout it?" Drum askt.
"Why dont you cme with me, Drum? Yo can avenge your daddy by joinin ghre Resistence." Lando said.
"Ehh, sound boring," said Rumo Solo." THr esigenance kind of girly, and the girls there not so good looking. Besides, my dad was nere there for me. He left me alot hate the space CHuckey Cheese on my sixteenth birthday," Drim Solo said kokingly but he wasn't sure Lando was smart enough get the joke, "it was a joke. Like the resistance which is too eak for me."
"Les go, kiddo1" he then gave Dram his favorite mega ultra space sowrd that was anakians but diffrent. "If yo want, you can coll us "The Star Wars Rebells", but that name of shoe."
Drum shrugged with indefreense. "Ok, as long as i get space bears outta tihs."
"Good, Drum. I am happy to hear this. But uahh, I was hop9ng you could help me with something else."
"Name it," said Drum really cooly as he fixed his space glasses which were a lot like the black guy from Star Treks.
"Well, you see part of the reason I came where wasn't to avenge your daddy. In fact, I kind of hated your daddy because he owed me sixty space redits. I was really hiping you could help me get laid with a few of these fine space floozies."
Drumo Solo said he did not want to share all the awesome ricking space babers but if they found a girl ugly and fate like Lando then he could have her. So Drum owent into the bathcoom to fix his hair. He had really awesome rocking hair that flowed when he threw his hand over his houdler. He was proud of his ricker hair and he used to be in a band and he was ven on the cover of the album he ahd wrote. Thos was ohte song they played as they got into the space rides.
"Wait?" Said Drum Solo. "Where ithe the milium falcone?"
"Oh sorry! I forget to bring space keese." Land luffed badly. "It funny sotry, I thogut it was in other space trouser."
Thins ANGERED Drim Sole. How DARe this guy who knowed his father wold forget to bring Miellnim Falcnor. Now he had to drive a dinky Naboo space fighter from the N64 game i donut play as kid. but on the way to the destination they were going. The First ORder pulled them over. They even had re dand blue flashing lights on.
"Hang on," said Lando. "I'l handle this. Just play it realy cool."
"Cool is middllul name." Drum solo gave thumbz up to Ladnor with cool like Fonzy. "Ayyy"
"What seem to be porblim, officcetit?" Drum saidor.
"Umm, you know your back lit not work? Also you been shooting all our sholdiers and rapping all our space women." He speak.
Than the officer notice Lad. "Hmm, you with him, Solo?"
Dram was confused. "Im confused, how do you know my name?" Drum forgot that he was wearing space name tag from his earliest shift at local space Home Depot on Dageba.
"Oh, meesa so sorry, officer First Orda! Well fix that right way, but were late to appointment." Said Lando with glad.
"Wait minute…" First order rememrbd that he came her to erest them for space ticket violation that we mention at beginning of story
As that was transring over there. A space rocket ship landed at eh strip bar where Drum Solo was. Out of the ship came a man in a full suit of armor. "Who are you?" Said one of the hot girls Drim Solo sexed.
The man did not ive his answer. He instead looked around smelled the air though hishelmt (the helmet was designed so he coils tills smell.)
The man was Gogo Fett, the son of Boba Fett. He had the small amor like Boba Fetta but itwa s black with red stripe and he had a red cape. Gogo Fett walked over to the space bike. He smell the air some more. Sex he thought. I tmsell like Drum Solo penis. He kenw he was here. He hcekc the bike and he knew. He made first of rage. Drim Solo didn't even pay his bill for his illegal parking. And so Gogo Fett kicked over the bike adntook a selfie he didn't talk bue cause heas cool like that. Talking for rofr loooers he thought to himself. Gogo Fett then road off in pursuit of his arch nemesis. Drum Solo.
But that was a tail for another chapeter.
Back at First Order, Drum was ready to say HIS order.
"How bout, NOT?" He yellowed and shot off preicsely 17 rounds into First order and he was cookt in know time.
"Holy SHIT!" Lando specked. "I think I just pooped myslelf!"
"No thime for crime, we ride to find my daddy and with quick speed!" Drum Solo yawn. "Im gettin tired of lack of weemen. I shure hop I can get new space weepons and missle lunchers on teh way!"
On the wya they stopped at a gun shop. It was on a planet like Tatoonie but it was called Notaoonie. There Drum Solo bought a plama launcher which was like a missile laucher for foplama. He got an eletircal cross bow. A lasser whip. Egg regrnadeds. And two laser knives.
"Good thing I didn't pay that stupid fine. Otherwise I couldn't biu all thes eweepons."
They stopped at brothel on nearby palent. Lando asked if he could share some of the girls with Drum Solo but Drum Solo was so good in bed none of them wanted to leave him. He had legend already about his use of his dong. He had trained with a wise wizard who taught him about sex adn stuff.
After this Drom was finally ready to meet the resistance. Lando said they were on Corasaunt in a back alley behind Dexter JExer' old diner. (It had now become an arcade which Drim Solo thought might be worth checking out.)
"Okay Drum." Lando said. "This is where the resistance is hiding."
"But I thought htis planet was owned by the Republic," Drum Solo said.
"Yes, but the republic know that the RFirst ORder don't know that." Which made sense to him so they went into a back froom of a bar and met with the leaders of the resident. Admiral Akbar was there and he ahd a scar over his eye. There was also an alien who look like Captain Crunch. Drum Solo try not to laugh at this.
"Im gonna try not to luff at this." He thinked and did not.
There were more in the broom, even fish man cousin who wasnt Admiral Backbar. It remind me of fish outta watre like Ruto from Zeldo.
"Okay, now that honorary space beer hav been handed out, can we pleaser cover problem 14 on quiz sheet #2b?" Ask fish guy but no one pay attenshun to him. This was not time or place for homework when there was sotry to be happening.
"We will have the meeting when the food shows up." Said an alien who looked like two bannaons for heads.
They waited and Drum Solo chile dand a couple beers while playing laser darts. He was a pro at the game and was able to get ten bullzeyes in a row which made teh game got on the fritz which eh thought was funny but he kept his cool and leaned back at the bar real cool.
"The food is here," said an alien who looked like tow bananas whose name was Buzz Creamer. He had two heads but each head only had one eyes.
A girl entered teh bar. Drum Solo instantly felt his dick flex like never before. The girl was super hot. More hotter than the Death Star on a day in the summer during a heat wave on Mustafar. Her boobs were huge and she had lots of cleave. She had thin body and wise hips with a big butt which Drum Solo was sercetly into. Her hair was tied backa and she put the Chinese food on the bar. Everyone began to eat bu Drom Solo was thinking: Dammmmm, what a fine fox.
"You must be Drom Solo," said the sexy girl with big boobs. "I'm sorry what happened to your father. I was with him when he died."
Suddenly Drum Solo was mor einterested in what happened to his father? "HUh? You don't say?"
"Yes, I had tried to stop hm but he was ver adamant on gon ginto the evil base," said the girl.
"Sounds like my old ,amn. Lots of balls," Drum Solo said with pride. "So. Who are you" Hand
how did you know my old man?"
"My name is Rey Skylawker. I was adopted by Luke Skywalekr and trained to be a smuggler by your dad," Said Rey. "I wanted to be a Jedib uthnow that Luke is gone andyour father is dead things arelooking really bad."
"Hold on. Dint I see you in movie somewhere?" He ask but she no reply. "I know you, your one Wookipedia! Why does girl have strong power moves like man?"
Rey winkered. "It is the forced. Did Han eever teller you about the Glaxy force?"
Come to think ovut, Rum couldn't remember anything his dad saided when he grown. "My dad was pretty busy, saving galaxy or whatevr. I was too occupied with the strong bads kinda girls. You know, Prince Leia and what not."
"Umm, yeah." Rey feigned being polite because Drum stammering made her VERY uncomfortable. "The force is a power that isn't exclusive to nay on man, Drum. It surrounds us and bines us."
"Eh, sounds petty lame if you ask me." Drum was impacent. "You can explain later, I got to savr my father!"
Admiral Akbar grew very big frun. "Well I guess we better get this over with" So he opened up Power Point on the big screen. "First. Let me inform anyone who might not know but Han Solo is dead. He was killed. IS there any questions about this peice of information?"
Drum slyly raised hand in audience. "Umm yay, me. So, what you mean about him being deaded?" Drim secrately new the real answer all around but he dint want to admit to self gtil he seer it himslef.
Ackbar pulled up autopsy photos of Han dead corpse that he always kept on him for such a question if ever asked by student. "See? We drew space chalk outline. He is no more, understood, Drim?"
Drom Roller his eyes but they could not see behind the clgasses. "Easily photoshopped," he said with irritation.
"Well. I was waiting for the funeral for this but I guess we better show him." Said Buzz Creamer who then pulled over a blanket in the back to reveal Han Solo corpse. There were people crying and rey as crying too.
Drom Solo knew he couldn't run from the truth now so he stood up and said, "Everyone leave. I need a moment." So the took the meeting outside.
Drum Solo stood next to the body that had been once his father. He asked Rey to gve him so piracy so she did. He stood there and for a long moment he stood there without moving a singel muscle. He remember his father from hsic childhood and felt sad but he refused to cry. He lifted his chin and stood in a stoic moment of deep thought. It was like a really heavy movie poster (A/N: if there are artists this is what I would like drawn from the cover)
Just then, Han body rosed but not actually his dead body. It more like the ghost you would have seen if you watched Episode IX where Luke luffed like bad and gave Rey back Lase Sowrd. I think Yoder there too.
It spoke. "Son, it is me. I came here from Space Force heaven to tell you that I am in fact dead."
"I don't believe it!" No seriously, Drum still didnt believe him. "My dad was too awesome and manly to die a LOSER death!"
Even Ghost Han was embarasd. "I know it hard to be, but it's true. Search yur feeling, you know it be truth."
"Grr, Ill avenge you, Dad!" Then Drum stoot up and poor out space drink that he saved for later but now was okay. "I wont stand by and let Solo name be besmirchted!"
Drum Solo stepped outside. There he saw the meeting. They were covering boring stuff like the budget. Drum Solo spat to indact his disatsfcationw ith this sort of planning.
"New plan, losers," Drum Solo said. "I'm going straight for the Leader of the First ORder and I'm going to kick there asses."
"You can't," said Admiral Akbar, "they are too powerful."
"I don't care. I have new plan. Everyone give me tehr money and I will make this plan magic."
Everyone was unsure but they decided they could just put there money back in there pickets if the plan was dumb. Then Drum Solo took the money and left.
Later he showed up having spent hte monkey on a hover sports car. It was red and looked like something from Futurama but more realist. "Get in, Rey. W'ere going to save the universe."
"You want me?" Rey asked, blushing.
"Yeah. You can keep me company."
But just then Lando stepped into teh back of the car and said, "Let's roll, kid!"
This made Drom Solo sigh. He would take the fat old man with because he mgiht ahave a fea uses. And he did.
First, Land used speed tactics like hyspace jump to skip all the annoying optional side quests that even someone like Rey thot it was dumb. There was tons of action and invention, there was even scene where they saw space tourist who tooked phot of their adventure and sold it too them but they didnt pay for it.
"Wow, that was even easier than I thogged!" Drum.
"Yeah, amost too eased…" Rey say with bad feeling about it.
"Count yer blkessings later, child!" Lando gave heroic pat on back for job well cooked. "We still have biig taks ahead, literally!"
It was right in front of them, HEad of thirst order.
"What is that?" Drum Solo asked.
"Thats no moon," said Lando.
It was the newest super weapon built by the bad guys to date. It was the Death Cube! It was in the shape of gaint rubpic cube and it was the seize of ten thousand Death Stars 2.
Meanwhile, on the Death Cube was Kyo Ren. Kyro Ren was stepping up to the throne room which was also in the shape of a cube. Turning around the square throne was Supreme Leader Snoke.
"Ren. You sniveling little bitch! Do you know who is here?" Said Snoke.
"I just got up," Kyo Ren complained, having just woken up.
"It is your brother!" Snoke said, "He is here and he is pissed off!"
Kylo Ren was abot to make up excuse but Snoke ran down the throne steps like a crab very fast. Snoke grab Kylo Ren and slapped him multiple times across Kyo face. "Once Drum Solo finishes his battle with our army, you must be the one to fight him, or else he will blow up the Death Cube and we will have to move out!"
WHoch would be bad, they dint have any more space tokenz which is why they fined Drum because they hopped he would have more money and then afford Rent.
"Actually, he is right there." Kyo pointed at Drum and friends.
A/N: The Spcae Cub previously belongid to the Space Trade Federation alien from Prequel movie 1 but i cant rember their names so ill just call them Space Money alien. They fall on hard times agter Anakian blewed up their Hubble Space Telescope in Phantom Menace, so they charge HUge rent to make up los profit.
Dram Solo pointed at Kyo Rain. "Do you KNOW ho I is?"
Klor Ren pretended to be dumn. "No, Really? I wonder who it cold be wearing that space name tag?"
"Maybe THIS refresh your mind, bro!" Drim took out corpse from space trunk and put dad on the floor tile. "See? YOU KILLERED HIM! NOw I am hear to finish what you started."
Kylo Ren began to scretech with super anger and he took out his laser sword over his head and he click the button and the first laser came out. Then the two side lasers. And then four more lasers. Then sixteen more laser. BY the time Ren was done screeching he had a lzer with 64 swords. He swatted down toward Drum Solo and destroyed the hover car.
"Oh not is personal," Drum Solo said and he took out laser whip to whip Kylo Dick. This made it equally persoanl so now Kylo Ren was also super pissed. They began to have fight with their sword and his whip but Drum Solo had range on his side so he did more damage until Kylo Ren helmet full off.
"You always did have DUMBO ears," Drum Solo taunt.
His taunt work and Kylo Ren get sloppy in his fight (he used to do this when they were kids and it always helped him win like right now)
"First Order," Kylo Re said from grown, holding his knee which was bleeding, "Kill him!"
"You' a lame cheater," Drum Solo drp lzaer whip and used very fast gunslinging technique to shoot all fifty First Order in their helmets. Even the lone ranger would be proud to see such fine shooting.
"Wait!I surrender!" Said Kylo Ren.
"And you always a quitter," Drum Solo laughed. "That why you quik wimpy Jedi order, hih?"
"They were weak but now I can do this!" And Kyp Lren shoot eletiracly bolts from his head. He laugh evily as he attack but he slowly realzied Drum Solo was useing his eletraical cross bow to safely abosve all the power.
"Nerf this!" Drum Solo said and shot mega lightening bolt with cross bow and knocked Kylo Ren into the wall. He had won.
Just then Snoke appear and said, "You might have beaten my boyfriend but you will have to fight me ow!" Snoke took out gatling laser gun and shot many rounds at Drum Solo but Drum Solo outrun him and kick him in his Supreme Snoke balls.
"DAMN YOU, SOLOOOOO!" She scremt. "I was SO close to paying off loan and take world I ever I guess."
Drum smile. "Yeah right, tell it to the Galcy Judge!" Even Lado didn't know what taht meant but he knet it ment that the day was savt.
"Good shootin', kid1!" Lando smriedk. "The fight against Evil Orser may be finnish, but ther always nnew battle on horizon."
"Yeah, asshole!" Kylo Ren shout back on his feet, "because I just hit the self destruct button! Now I'm going to use dark force powers to resurrect Darth Vader and then you will be totally fucked!"
"Go ahead," Drum Solo said, "I'll kick his ass too!"
"Fuck you, brother! I will form my own Empire. A Second ORder!" And Kylo Ren jumped onto pathetic hover scooter and flashed warped out Deat Cub was about to blow up.
And it would have, had Drum not taken that into bank account and used his Chucke token from early and used it to clog space port so the cube couldnt initiliaze blow up sequenz. "ANd that's all she wrote." He exclamed.
Then the heroes road off with great fastness in space! Back at the space pub, the Resistance committee were already planning Han funeral/Drum save the Universe homecoming party. They would have normally booked on separate days, but budget was short so it made cents to do at sane time.
They were having good tiem and Drum Solo was looking forward o banging Rey in her ass. But then Admiral Akbar said, "Hey, wait a minute! Where's Luke?"
"Oh shit," Drum Solo said, "I forgot him back on Death Cube!"
And on that note, Kylo Ren was on Oobogar, the Sith Homewrold, and he forced Luke Skywalekr who was like an older wizard with big beard, to dig up death vader. Kylo Ren see his grand father Darth Vader body and he laugh, knowing it was just beginning.
But thats a space sotry for another time. Drum went to bed with many weemon, knowing his father was proud.
The Be Contued.