JohnThe Secret Diary of Cameron Baum

MONDAY

Santa Monica. John, Sarah Connor, Mia, Snowy and I are in a leased Ford Surburban. We have just picked up the keys to our new safehouse.

"Do people really live in all these houses?" Mia asks her face pushed against the side window.

"Uh huh."

"Why is everything so green?"

"The climate's less harsh than in Mexico," John explains. "And there's more rainfall. Plants grow better."

"Will our house have a yard?"

"It better," Sarah Connor replies. "For the amount it's costing us to lease."

We turn onto a wide street lined by grass verges that have palm trees spaced evenly between driveways casting pools of shade.

"This is it. Twenty-six Madison," Sarah Connor says. The Surburban comes to a stop. She sighs and rests her head on the steeering wheel.

"What's wrong? " John asks.

"Look at me, John. I have three kids and a dog. I'm driving a Surburban and living in the 'burbs. It's finally happened. I've turned into my mother."

"You look no different," I tell her.

John pats her on the back. "Hey, it's not so bad."

"You never knew my mother."

Once we are inside the house Mia and Snowy race upstairs. John and I follow at a more sedate pace.

"Ooh, can this be my room?" Mia asks.

"Don't you want to see the others first?"

"No, I want this one!"

"Okay, then. This is your room."

Mia crosses to the window. "Look - there's a pool! In our backyard! We can play cruiseliners! C'mon, Snowy, let's check it out!"

Together they race back down the stairs. Sarah Connor yells, "Don't get your dress dirty; it's new!"

John and I watch from the window as Mia races across the terrace, kicks off her shoes and jumps into the pool fully clothed. Snowy follows her in.

"Oh no," John groans. "This isn't going to be pretty."

It's not. Sarah Connor remonstrates with Mia for disobeying her. She yells back. Snowy's barks add to the confusion. The argument ends with Mia calling Sarah Connor a mean old witch.

"Did you hear what that girl called me?" she asks joining us upstairs.

"A mean old witch," I reiterate.

"She is so ill-disciplined."

"Mom, you've got to cut her some slack. She's been through a lot."

"So I'm supposed to let her do as she pleases?"

"I'm been where she is, remember? The more Frank and Janelle tried to impose order the more I rebelled. If they said be in at a certain time I made sure I came in hours later, if at all. Go easy on her. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

"Why do you wish to catch flies?" I inquire. I am ignored.

"She has to learn to do as she's told."

"Anyone can love a well-behaved child. She wants to know if we'll still love her if she misbehaves."

"Do you eat the flies you catch?" I persist. Again I am ignored. Honestly, I might as well be invisible.

Mia comes inside and climbs the stairs, making more noise than strictly necessary. She appears in the doorway looking wet and bedraggled yet with a stubborn truculance on her face that suggests she has come expecting another argument.

Sarah Connor surprises her, surprises us all, by smiling. Smiling? Who is this imposter?

"Look at the state of you. Take those wet clothes off. I'll get you a dry towel."

"You're not mad at me?"

"Of course I'm mad at you. You ruined a very pretty dress."

"It is a pretty dress," Mia concedes.

"Maybe if I wash it it'll be okay."

Mia removes her wet clothes and alllows herself to be wrapped in a dry towel.

"D'you want to shower before dinner and wash the chlorine smell out of your hair?"

"I guess..." She bites her lip, seems to consider something, then blurts out, "I'm sorry I called you a mean old witch!"

"Apology accepted. Now let's get you in the shower."

As she is led away along the landing, I turn to John and say, "There is something very wrong with your mother. She is being nice."

"Don't worry," John grins. "It can't possibly last."

-0-

TUESDAY

Despite the fact that the house has four spacious bedrooms, John elects to sleep in the attic room, the smallest in the house. I ask him why.

"You, basically."

"Me?"

"You've been getting kinda vocal lately."

"Vocal?"

"Yeah, you know, vocal..."

"I don't know."

"You want me to spell it out?"

"Please."

John spells it out.

Oh. That vocal...

"I thought you liked that?"

"Oh I do. Believe me."

"I can mute myself if you wish."

No, we'll be fine here. I'd just rather not share it with mom. And now Mia."

"Mia would not hear. She sleeps like a frog."

"A frog?"

"It's an expression. To sleep soundly is to sleep like a frog."

"I think you mean log."

"Sleep like a log? Hardly. Logs are inanimate objects and therefore do not sleep."

"Okay, sleep like a frog it is." He leans over and kisses me.

"What was that for?"

"Oh just for being you."

Odd. Who else can I be?

-0-

WEDNESDAY

I have experienced a shock. A shock so profound and unexpected I am surprised my CPU hasn't melted.

John is the Tooth Fairy.

I discovered this by chance. One of Mia's milk teeth fell out and as is the custom she placed it under her pillow in the expectation that the Tooth Fairy would come in the night and exchange it for cash. I decided I would very much like to meet this mysterious creature. I have many questions to put to her. Such as the manner in which she infiltrates otherwise secure buildings. Some form of stealth technology perhaps? To this end I stake out Mia's bedroom, concealing myself in the shadows and await the Tooth Fairy's arrival.

At ten past midnight the door opens and John enters. He crosses to the bed, lifts the pillow, takes the tooth and deposits a twenty dollar bill in its stead. He exits the way he came in. He doesn't notice me.

John is the Tooth Fairy.

I wait ten minutes then return to the attic room. John is already in bed.

"Hi. I thought you were on patrol."

"No patrol tonight."

"Good. Hey, how about you wear that white teddy I bought you?"

"You have been keeping secrets from me."

"About the teddy? No, you were there when we bought it. As I recall, you wanted to buy the entire rack. The assistant thought we were sex maniacs."

"That is not the secret."

"What then?"

"You are the Tooth Fairy."

It is some time before John stops laughing.

"Do you deny it?"

"Come on - do I look like the Tooth Fairy?"

I confess I expected it to be smaller. And female. Possibly with wings.

"Cam, I'm not the Tooth Fairy!"

"But I saw you in Mia's room. You took the tooth and left money. This is the MO of the Tooth Fairy."

"Cam, there's no such thing. Parents take the teeth and leave money. It's a tradition."

"Why?"

"Well, I suppose having a tooth fall out isn't very nice. This cheers them up."

"I feel foolish."

"You weren't to know."

A thought occurs. "Santa Claus isn't fake, is he?"

John smiles. "Now you're being paranoid. Santa's every bit as real as the Easter Bunny."

-0-

THURSDAY

I am out of shampoo. Bummer.

I stand in the bathroom and consider my options.

1) Delay washing my hair until I can obtain fresh supplies.

2) Use the shower gel as a substitute.

3) Borrow Sarah Connor's shampoo.

I decide on option 3). What can possibly go wrong?

While she is busy downstairs fixing Mia's breakfast I dart across the landing and open the door to her bedroom. This door is kept closed but not locked, mostly to prevent Snowy from sleeping on her bed and shedding fur on her clothes.

I cross to the dresser and open a drawer at random. Instead of a bottle of shampoo I find a small leather bound book with a two word title:

MY DIARY

I flick through the pages. They are full of her untidy spidery handwriting. Is it possible that Sarah Connor is writing a secret diary of her own? I turn to the latest entries and begin reading.

3rd

Another huge argument with Mia. How am I supposed to raise this girl? Do I raise her to become a warrior like I did John? Or do I try and give her as normal a childhood as possible? At present it's a moot point since she won't do a single thing I say. J handles her effortlessly, coaxing her to do the right thing without so much as raising his voice. Is this an early sign of his leadership skills or confirmation of what a lousy mother I am?

4th

J and the cyborg's relationship continues. J has moved into the attic, citing its strategic view of the neighbourhood as the reason. Does he take me for a fool? I know perfectly well what they're up to. J forgets I was his age once and know all the tricks.

5th

Not getting much sleep. Miquel's needless death continues to torment me, especially his last moments. What was he thinking trying to outdraw the cyborg? Even if he didn't know her true nature, he knew what she was capable of with a gun, his two goons told him that much. No, I'm convinced he sought death, not because he feared jail, but because he knew the guilt I'd feel meant I'd never abandon Mia to an unknown fate in some foreign orphanage. So now I have a daughter. A wilful, stubborn, disobedient, beautiful, exquisite daughter. And not the first clue how to raise her!

6th

Dreamt about K last night. The dream was so vivid it left me feeling incredibly horny. Had no choice but to relieve myself right there and then, while his image was still fresh in my mind. It's three years since Charley. Three years since I shared my bed with a man, unless you count that ridiculous drunken fumble with Jerold Ramirez. Not my finest hour. Luckily he remembered even less about it than I did. And John still suspects nothing; the cyborg kept her word and never blabbed. Who'd have believed that given the snide remarks she makes about my age.

7th

Had a conversation with the dog. Asked him what food he liked - and he answered! The words came up on the gadget the cyborg made. He even told me which brands he preferred! Sometimes it seems I'm living in a bizarre dream world populated by talking dogs and a killer robot as a prospective daughter in law. All I need is for the Mad Hatter and the White Rabbit to show up and they can strap me in the straitjacket and cart me away.

8th

Another row with Mia - after almost breaking my neck tripping over her discarded toys. How hard is it to tidy up after yourself? The thought occurs to me that I might be deliberately goading her into hating me as punishment for causing her father's death. She calls me Senorita Shouty behind my back. It seems curiously apt. Maybe I should get advice on how to deal with her from Dr. Silberman. Imagine if that old fraud heard from me again!

"What are you doing?"

Sarah Connor's voice. From behind me. I am so busted!

"I said, what are you doing?"

My body is blocking her view of the diary. Carefully I replace it in the drawer and slide it shut. I turn around and say, "I am out of shampoo. I came to borrow yours."

"Bottom left drawer."

I open the drawer specified and take out a bottle of shampoo. "I will return it when I'm done."

"Don't bother. And next time ask before you come in here."

I assure her I will. I pass through the doorway then stop and turn. "I have a name," I tell her.

"What?"

"My name is Cameron."

"I know that. Why are you telling me this?"

"I thought you might have forgotten."

-0-

I return to the bathroom and step under the shower, using the borrowed shampoo to wash my hair. I review what I read in Sarah Connor's diary. Who is K, the man she dreamt about? And why is she expecting a visit from a mad hatter and a white rabbit? They seem unlikely is insuffient data at present to hazard a guess.

The cyborg...

She never called me by my name, always this epithet. Here it is not so hard to know why. She still regards me as a machine. You do not name a kettle or a vacuum cleaner; they are merely appliances. To her I am merely an appliance. At least John doesn't see me this way. I take some comfort in this.

I step out of the shower and begin toweling off. The door opens and Mia and Snowy come in. Mia stops when she sees me.

"Oh. Sorry. Didn't know you were in here. I wanted to give Snowy a bath. His paws are filthy and his fur stinks of the pool."

"You may do so; I am almost done."

"You don't mind me seeing you without clothes?"

"Why would I?"

"Some people don't like it."

"I am not some people."

"Sarah yelled at me when I walked in on her."

"She often yells at you."

"Yeah. I call her Senorita Shouty!"

"You don't think this is a hurtful nickname?"

Mia shrugs. "She shouldn't shout so much. It gets old."

"Maybe you could pick your toys up when you are done with them."

"What's the point? I'm only gonna get them out again the next day."

By the time I have finished dressing Mia and Snowy are in the bathtub together. The water has already gone an unappealing shade of brown. I remember it well.

-0-

Mia has always had a bedtime story read to her before she falls asleep, a tradition started by her father in Mexico and one John is keen to continue now we are in America. It will help her settle in. She usually asks John or myself to read to her, never Sarah Connor. The two of them still have 'issues'.

I select a book of nursery ryhmes and begin reading.

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again."

"You mean he's dead?" Mia asks.

I confirm the individual Humpty is now deceased; the fall was indeed fatal.

"Is there a picture?"

I show her the book illustration. It depicts the curious eggman, Humpty Dumpty, in pieces at the base of a high wall. Soldiers and their mounts stand idly by. They obviously omitted to bring proper medical supplies, although how you would begin to heal a broken egg is hard to say.

"Eww! Is that his insides?"

"He was an egg so it is mostly yolk and albumen."

"If he was an egg what was he doing balanced on a wall"

This is an aspect of the story that puzzles me also. If you are essentially a giant egg then it is extreme folly to perch on a high wall. Gravity willl out and tragedy must inevitably ensue.

"D'you think the soldiers scooped him up and made an omlette out of him?"

"The book doesn't specify."

"I wouldn't want to eat him. I bet Snowy would though. He'll eat anything!"

Snowy looks up from where he is napping at the end of the bed. He seems unabashed to have his appetite impugned this way. It is true; he does eat anything. Except vegetables. He draws the line there.

"Cameron, can I ask you a question?"

"That is a question therefore you have already done so."

"Can I ask you another question?"

"Very well."

"Do you hate me for taking Snowy away from you?"

I hesitate and then reply, "No, I don't hate you."

"Good. Because even if you don't have Snowy you still have John. I know he's not your real brother."

"How do you know this?"

"I've seen you kissing. And one time when he thought no one was looking he put his hand down your pants and touched your noo-noo."

"It's called a noo-noo?"

"Uh huh. So you still have John. For now." she adds with a smirk.

"What do you mean - for now?"

"When I'm older I'm gonna marry John."

I tell her this is unlikely.

"Am too!" she pouts. "One day I'll be beautiful like mama with enormous boobies!" She giggles. "I said boobies!" She and Snowy snigger as usual.

"John still won't marry you, no matter how enormous your boobies."

"Cameron said boobies!" More sniggering. "If John won't marry me then I'll marry Freddie."

"Who is Freddie?"

"The boy on iCarly."

A character on a TV show. As Sarah Connor would say, best of luck with that.

-0-

Once Mia has drifted off to sleep I return to the attic room John and I share. He is still up and I waste no time telling him of Mia's plans.

"Marry me, huh?" He grins. "Well, it's always nice to have a back up."

"Back up!"

"Relax, I'm kidding. It's just a crush she has. Tommorrow it'll be someone else. Justin Bieber probably."

"So you won't marry her even if she does have enormous boobies?"

"I'll try and restrain myself. Besides, I'm a leg man."

"I have legs."

"I noticed." He hugs me from behind and nuzzles my neck with his lips.

"They aren't as long as your mother's," I point out. The nuzzling ceases.

"Major buzzkill mentioning mom."

"I'm sorry I killed your buzz. How can I make it up to you?"

He begins unbuttoning my jeans.

"Oh I'll think of something..."

-000-

The Secret Diary of Sarah Connor anyone? She narrates many eps so I figure she at least keeps a journal.

Sarah and Mia. I just liker the idea of this supremely disciplined warrior being flummoxed by a wilful little girl.

'I can mute myself if you wish.' Love that line!