Ben Gilmore:
Height: 176 cm
Weapon: Switch Axe
Monster: Plessy (Plesioth)
Age: 25
Place of origin: Loc Lac
Hair colour: Brown
Eye colour: Blue
Trivia: Still really likes listening to Queen.
"New Year's Resolutions!" Joseph randomly yelled.
No one knew how to respond until Lyra replied "What."
"They suck!"
"...what."
"When the year starts, everyone always tries to do new things so they can feel good. But it never sticks, the feeling ya got then is always gone after a day or two. Seriously, it can be anythin'! Spendin' less, gettin' in shape, quittin' smokin', updatin' regularly, seekin' revenge! So I'm sick of it, my new year's resolution is to not make anymore of these!"
"Ya broke every single one before this a few hours after though." Ben pointed out.
"Exactly! The cycle's gonna be broken right here!"
"Well, now that's out of the way, anyone else?" Zach asked, cutting off Joseph.
"Wait ya can't just do somethin' I disagree with, I'm the self-insert here."
"If ya don't want in, we're continuin' without ya. At this point, ya've had so little screentime no one even knows you're the self-insert until ya point it out. Bear the burden of the path you've chosen for this chapter."
Joseph then retreated into the darkness, feeling betrayed.
The rest of the group remained silent, not really having thought of any, since it didn't matter that much to them.
But, there were still two who remained silent, yet felt determined.
Introversion, the state of being shy and reticent.
While in real life this would be fine, it's terrible for getting screentime. Now that their introduction arcs were over, both Terrence and Natalie knew that they would end up like the others unless they did something about it.
Using their psychic connection they decided to study those who were like them, to see how they could escape this.
First, they observed Lyra.
However, she did nothing, embracing the true nature of the deadpan and remaining perfectly stationary. It was quite difficult to tell if she was even breathing.
She then spoke, without looking over at them. "My trick is to become so deadpan it becomes a joke in itself. I can be used to make observations that everyone else has the emotional intelligence not to. Such as pointing out how we're having a new year's chapter a six weeks after new year's."
Since this role was already taken, there wasn't much they could do here, so they turned to Shoot.
"I'm a melynx, nya know? So this kind of dialogue is annoying to write, nya. That's why I never get to say anything, nya."
They had no means to respond to this and simply moved onto the next target.
The delusional one, Ed.
"No, it's Edward." He corrected the narration.
One who deals with his complete inability to interact with anyone by pretending to be someone of great power.
"No seriously, it's nothing like that." Ed continued "I'm just super powerful, I keep saying it because none of you can understand it."
"Well, anyways, so any advice you'd give for talking for people?" Natalie tried to steer the conversation away from Ed's insecurities, while he muttered "I heard that" at the narration.
"Well," Ed continued onwards "Just be really loud. Then they won't be able to tell that you're not saying anything."
"Then, guess we'll try that." Terrence replied.
However, they both realised they were physically incapable of raising their voices at all, so this plan failed. The chuunibyou was completely useless to them.
"Seriously, do you think that just because you're a force outside of the world's limitations I won't fight you? I'm always doing that." Ed responded to the narration once again.
They checked Riko and Anthony, who after the events of the last two chapters had shrunk into a corner, unmoving. It was difficult to tell if they were even still alive. They had also mastered the state of deadpan, unintentionally. Both Terrence and Natalie silently agreed to not deal with this.
Next, they found Vert, who immediately denied it.
"I am perfectly good at talking to people. I talk to a lot of people. Every day. And we are friends. Who talk with each other. And are friendly. Because we talk with each other. Regularly."
Terrence then, unaware of the damage he could cause, replied "But I've never seen you get along with anyone other than Vrai."
He then heard the sound of something shattering, followed by the impact of a tonfa to the face and the sounds of footsteps running away.
"Maybe that was a bad idea…" Natalie thought aloud.
"Yeah… good point." He said back.
Next, they approached Callum.
As the first character without much dialogue to appear, he was truly a master in the art of not doing anything compared to the two of them. Even when he was in the first four, he has still received absolutely no character development whatsoever.
Callum felt somewhat awkward as this was described, before finally asking the two. "What was the point of any of this anyways? I don't think ya can learn anything by doing this."
Callum was of no use, though he would probably surely get to do something someday.
They wrote up their observations.
Don't be deadpan as it'd be pointless
Don't speak weirdly or you never will
Don't be dramatic or the universe hates you
Don't be violent
Don't give into despair
Don't exist without some character development going on
"This seems kinda… negative." Terrence noted.
"Then we'll just do the negative of this." Natalie replied.
"What does that even mean?"
"Just ask the ones with screentime what they do."
First they walked up to Ben.
"I don't give a shit about screentime. I just hit things until they die. That's really it."
Neither of them were violent enough for this, being built up specifically to be the harmless members of the cast.
When asked, Zach just aimlessly shrugged, having no idea himself how he managed to get a role as one of the main characters. Luck was a very powerful factor.
"So yer worried about screentime, huh?" Joseph asked "Well, no need ta worry. As the main character and the one with the most lines of dialogue by a lead of a few hundred probably, I know a thing or two about this."
"Ok, so how do we get there?" Terrence asked back.
Joseph had no idea had to answer this. After being defeated in an argument a few hours ago, he had given into despair for this chapter. To be approached like this was a great chance for him, the chance to get to do his first cool thing in this arc. In his excitement, he'd said a cool line with nothing to follow it up, unable to explain how he was the main character outside of his self-insert status and power that he didn't know how he got.
"If yer resolution is ta get more screentime," He began, not knowing where he was going "Then I guess mine's ta help out."
In this situation of having shot himself in the foot while trying to look cool, the answer he settled upon was to shoot himself in the other foot as well. An accidental mistake is stupid, but if it looks like it was on purpose then no one can find any problems, as they were all planed for. He had decided to help with no clue as to how, but by doubling down and making it seem like it would be over a period of time, he could maybe work something out.
"But didn't you just say you weren't making any resolutions this year?" Terrence pointed out.
As his world shattered, Joseph realised the problem that had been sneaking up on him from the start. It crashed upon him, breaking down the cool image he was trying to build. As his image broke, so did Joseph. He slowly turned to dust and was blown away by the wind.
"I guess he won't help out." Natalie noted.
After watching the last of his body drift away, they found Alexandra.
"I don't care that much for screentime." She informed them "I just hit things until they die."
"Didn't we just hear this?" Both thought in unison.
Next the gunner trio appeared.
"I'll tell ya how, for 90000 zeni." Sean told them "A day. For the rest of your lives."
"Hey, don't scam 'em on somethin' like this." Protested Alicia "In a situation like this, it's nice ta help em out."
"If ya join in on the scheme then I'll go on a date with you." Sean replied.
Alicia quickly spun around and told the pair "But it's not like ya can expect everything in life for free, so pay up, guys."
Matt then spoke up to attempt to put a stop to this "I get that we get screentime, but this trio consists of a dude who would kill for money, an extremely powerful stalker and me, so yer prolly not gonna learn much here."
Finally, they approached Natasha, who just asked them "Why do you care? You're fine the way you are now. What even is screentime?"
A great revelation occurred within the pair.
While the entire time they had been focused on this sole thing, when it was brought up like that they realised they had no reason to care at all in the slightest about any of this. Their lives before had probably existed, so even if they faded into the background of the story, nothing would actually change. In fact, things might get easier, they'd be at less risk of being harmed for comedy.
Joseph than partially reformed from scattered dust to laugh at them for falling into his predictions for the start, but it was meaningless due to his impatience from earlier, so he was scattered by the winds once more.
"Well that was entirely pointless, I guess." Terrence thought aloud, looking over the notes they had taken for the second section.
Be violent
Be lucky
Remember to exist
See point 1
Sell your soul to money
Sell your soul to Sean
Be part of a trio
"Well, it was probably fun, right?" Natalie asked back, unsure herself what had just happened.
"I guess so? It's not like we could do much other than watch. Just learnt a, others don't really matter, be yourself, type moral thing."
As they walked off, Natalie suddenly remembered something.
Riko and Anthony remained in their despair corner, unmoving.
Natalie stepped forward, finally ready to deal with them.
"Whether you get screentime doesn't matter at all." She said, having the same great effect her sister's words had on her earlier.
They were finally saved from their recurring joke of jealousy towards popular people, followed by Riko letting out a small "Oh." As he realised this left him without any purpose again.
TO BE CONTINUED
I have no idea why any of this was written but it just sorta kept going until it became this.
Maybe one day this series will go back to monster hunting.